INTRO

Oh hi,

And thank you for agreeing to meet me in the woods of Transylvania to execute the worst plan ever. Ok, so here is the deal, we are going to tie my brother up to that stake over there in the clearing to lure out the Lycan…that’s a werewolf or “wolfman” for you basic village folk. By the way, I learned that word on the set of Underworld…oh and this….I learned this too…look at my bottom…look at it…ok…stop…Where did you guys get guns? I thought you were pitchfork and sickle people.

Well it doesn’t really matter, because I only brought the one silver bullet. So don’t shoot your guns. I repeat. Do not shoot your guns. as a matter of fact just give me the guns. give them to me. The only real harm you can create with those guns is if you shoot my brother or the elaborate pulley system we have set up. So don’t do it.

Alright, speaking of Pulleys…The pulley system is the hottest tech going in Transylvania today. In fact we will be showcasing it a lot in our movie…err…everyday tragic lives. So get used to these overly complex and often broken Pulley systems and by the end of this movie you will beg the Devil to never see another Pulley stunt again.

“In the name of God. Stop this movie!”

LINKS

Van Helsing (2004)

Directed by Stephen Sommers. With Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, Richard Roxburgh, Shuler Hensley. The notorious monster hunter is sent to Transylvania to stop Count Dracula who is using Dr. Frankenstein’s research and a werewolf for some sinister purpose.

Van Helsing (film) – Wikipedia

Van Helsing is a 2004 American action adventure horror film written and directed by Stephen Sommers. It stars Hugh Jackman as vigilante monster hunter Van Helsing, and Kate Beckinsale as Anna Valerious.

 

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Van Helsing (2004) – Monsters Running from angry villagers with torches should probably avoid wooden windmills that are shaped like penises. El Pepe Del Fuego

SHOW NOTES

Universal of Old. The Monsters!

Kill the beast!

Nice Matte Painting.

It’s alive…but it shouldn’t be.

Uh oh…Malfoy’s Dad has riled up the villagers

I am going to have to turn on Closed Captions for Dracula. That is a serious accent.

Dracula funded Victor’s Prometheus Kickstarter Project and now has some expectations.

Ha! Igor has a price. How much Igor?

Frankensteins Monster has a steampunk leg. I like it.

This movie can’t kill my spirit…it’s already dead.

His wives? He has more than one?

Monsters Running from angry villagers with torches should probably avoid wooden windmills.

Did Frankenstein’s monster ever get a name?

This movie stays black and white until a house lands on the witch.

Got to love Dracula’s hysterical wives. Nooo!

Mort Ou Vif

Tha Rippa!?

That is one nasty cigar. Thing that grossed out Scott?

That Hyde is larger than I supposed.

He stills look pretty dang cool for 2004. Do lets.

What nationality was Hyde?

How unfortunate to become Dr. Jekyll when you need Mr. Hyde.

Van Helsing…the hero we need…not the hero we deserve..you murderer!

Van Helsing owes The Order. When he showed up on the steps.

The Order is the last defense…and is multicultural.

on the far side of Iceberg Lettuce…Romain-ya

450 Years ago..Volaris… descendent’s. King of the Gypsies. These Volaris are in the large intestines of the afterlife…they want to be delivered.

“In the name of God. Open this door.” – Scroll

No real devils in this movie…only humans transformed or trained for evil.

Glycerin 48…boom. So this uses the James Bond formula of weapons specialist  Friar who has to occasionally head into the field simpering. Did this trope proceed James Bond?

Dracula set up Frankenstein and released the Wolf Man. So he is the mastermind of evil as well as the son of Satan?

Look at my Booty! – Kate

This was a piss poor plan. What was supposed to happen? That Pulley was never going any further….and why didn’t they inform their cohorts to not shoot…or even bring guns that did not have silver bullets in them?

She is a holy woman. God help us.

Van Helsing has his own music…it uses the guitar thing with the fast picking and the tribal drum beats.

Van Helsing has amnesia.

This is one talky Friar.

Rules…I mean besides that….I mean besides that.

and…let’s put Kate’s butt at camera height for best viewing.

The Laws of men mean little to me.

Cool…automatic crossbow. I wonder if he supports tough crossbow laws in real life?

Crotch to face.

No one likes a stranger in this town.

haha…poor cow…

Van Helsing…not helping with his arrows of doom.

The sun never shines in Transylvania…but when it does…it puts the action on hold. There goes the sun!! Run!

These Drac wives or more like Harpies…is that accurate?

Hello Anna. They have history?

“Too bad…so sad…” Geez..

Of course you can feel fresh blood running through he veins…otherwise she would already be dead.

That is some scary unhinged mouth action.

Drac is gonna be mad…that is his favorite wife….I guess…hell I don’t know.

phew…good…the cow is ok. That 30 year old guy is dead…but the cow is cool. Moo.

I like their burning stake.

1 or 2 people a month is the Vampire diet.

1 to kill a vampire in over a 100 years.

There there…I can get another wife…

Drac has no heart..and is hollow…and will live for forever!

Who are these guys in the dead sea diver masks.

Van Helsing only asks two questions….

Is Van Helsing Batman? He has knock out spray?

Good job Van Helsing…knock her out to save her and then abandon her.

I know Dracula’s secret…but I ain’t gonna have time to tell you…but I do have time to talk first. Ahhh…doing the backstroke on the wall. Who needs this flesh…not me!

Do love the score with the old Universal monster music mix.

It’s cheaper to kill Vampires than Werewolves. A wood stake vs a silver bullet.

Trope…creepy undertaker.

You knew he was my brother!

I need a hand bike.

Dwergi…called him a punta?

Castle Frankenstein!

I have never been to the sea…that is some setup…She is so gonna die. She never got to see the sea.

Pretty good body transformations this movie.

“Don’t be boring…everyone who says that dies.” – Victor

Those Dwergi are freaky strong.

You speak Dwergi?

So what is the point behind electrifying a living being.

How do they lay those pods? I don’t want to know. That’s a lot of pods.

Dr. Acula’s Monster.

ahhh…he is trying to bring the undead babies to life…

grote…they used all the Nickelodeon slime fore this movie.

Those baby Vamps are more Bad than anything. Almost Gargoyle like.

“..and beg the Devil!…that this time they stay alive!” -Drac

Baby Vampires are easy to kill…and made of green ooze. I guess he shot them in the soft spot.

Friar…must warn…somebody.

yes Igor…I know that feeling. The Human is insufficient.

There is a lot of Pulley work in this movie. Pulley tech was strong.

Drac is Cross Resistant. Born 1422…murder 1462.

These babies are exploding like Jiffy Pop.

Dangit…this rope is not rated for Wolfman.

Dangit Friar…you broke the…hey!

Wolfbane Blooms. They gonna Harry Potter this painting. ahhh…Wolfman vs Vampire.

hehe…the Standing right behind you gag…how do you know all those things?

All the monster wants is to exist…

If I can get him to Rome…with nothing faster than Transylvania horses!

Time for a hijacking. CTF

This requires a leap of Speed proportions. No worries…these are Transylvanian horses.

The old Transylvanian switcharoo

These Carriages are explosive

SloMo Wolf attack!

Apparently…right before a werewolf dies he will bite you.

Now…who has the ball? Oh yeah…now Anna is the ball…cause Frankenstein is too heavy?

Somewhere public…lots of people….like Walmart.

Cool…let’s meet on Halloween. Convenient.

You can fight until the final stroke of midnight…gee I wonder if it will come down to the wire?

Who me? Just playing my violin on my ball. baby steps…baby steps…explosion.

Well that could have ended better.

Bye Bye monster.

The special effects in this film are pretty solid for 2004

We got this…we figured it out in 10 minutes.

Did everyone have a castle?

Stargate!

Oh man…his wives must do nothing but lay egg pods.

“Igor do this…Igor do that…” – Igor.

They froze the monster!

Cure before the final stroke…gonna be the final stroke then.

He can’t do it…Friar can’t kill you…the stakes are too high!…

How is there a thunderstorm in this frigid land? Does Dracula control the lightening?

“You try to get Igor…Igor get you” -Igor

Ahhh…time to fight someone your own size. Igor vs Friar, Anna vs Wive Number 2?, Helsing vs Dracula…but who will the monster fight? Mankind? Monster vs flying vamps? Took out Igor. Took out Wife Number 2.

You have 1 minute to figure out your werewolf fighting style and use it to kill the vampire.

Throw it to me Carl! Carl! Carl. Friar Carl!

This movie is all about Friends. Monster wants a friend. Dracula wants Helsing to be his friend. Wife Number 2 wants Anna to be her friend.

Story reveals…Helsing is the Left Hand…and he killed Dracula and took his ring.

That was quick. and it’s over.

oooohh…right to the abs.

and…just like that….what we guessed…she is dead.

At least you killed Drac first…now her people can get out of the small intestine of death.

We live in the clouds now!

ahhh yeah…we ended that nicely…yep…we are totally going to do a sequel.

9 minutes of credits!

 


Brian Dunaway

Hey everybody! It's me. Brian-O! I hope you are enjoying the website. SNARF!