and welcome to Filmsack Labs where we straddle the line of what is possible and what is unquestionably going to end in a symphony of screams.
This week we have been working on bringing Virtual Reality based AI into the real world by inserting their programming carts into a pile of silicone nanobots. Essentially creating life! We here at the labs foresee great humanitarian possibilities as a result of this new technology.
Oh hands are going up, alright we have questions. Yes sir, what is your query. “Can we make real world animals like realistic snakes and such with our technology.” Good news! We already have! Would you like to hold her? You would! Excellent. Here ya go I! I expect you will be screaming by the end of this intro.
Ok, next question. Can our technology give Russel Crowe a better singing voice? No…..his voice is already perfect.
Last question! Can we create the perfect woman? Well, why would you want do that…Wait, do you mean like in Weird Science? So you don’t mean “The perfect woman” you mean “the perfect woman.” Oh hell yeah. Reach in that cabinet and hand me that crowd pleaser. No not that one. The one labeled Sheila 6.9.
Hey, anybody hungry? Grab that Sushi Chef 1.2 while you are back there. We are about to get this party started!
Oh no! sensory overload….intro crashed…would you like to reopen? cancel. rebooting Randy.
This week on Filmsack we are mining the very depths of Canadian Horror Entertainment … (exasperated breath) …. SAH-ree guys. I don’t know if I can do an intro this week. I’ve just been pretty bummed ever since I found out they canceled the Valentine’s Day Dance. I was really looking forward to you guys finally meeting my Canadian girlfriend.
Anywho, said “totally real Canadian girlfriend” left me a heart shaped box of what I can only assume is chocolates and a note that I am now going to read for the first time right here on the show:
“To whom it may concern, (always a good start) You are invited to a Saturday night at you-know-who’s house where we will be celebrating the holy holiday of the horny… aka Valentines Day.”
“All Filmsack miners are welcome.” (that is miners with an ‘er’…not ‘or’…just to be clear.)
“The party will commence at sun down and will include all the Moosehead you can stomach and all the miners you can kiss.” (once again; that is miners with an ‘er’)
It continues, “We will be playing all of your beloved Canadian party games like Twister…. Pin the Axe in the miner…SAH-Ree the board game, Pranks that End in Death, Uno and everyone’s favorite Canadian game Bobbing for Weiners.” That’s Jokes!
“Looking forward to seeing you there. Yours truly. The one armed man.”
ok, turns out that was not from my actual Canadian Girlfriend… but this guy seems nice. So hey, would anybody like a piece of chocolate from my totally not a human heart in a heart shaped box that I am not going to even look at before offering you some. No? ok. and now for someone who has been to Canada and lived to sing a ballad about it..Randy.
Ok Mr. Cole I’m going to ask you to relax while I attach these alligator clips to your “face fat” and then we’re just going to shove your “3-times-naked Bruce Willis Ass…ok…Will-Ass….” yep going to show you right into our Woody Woodpecker, cartoon inspired, “time tube.” Woo hoo.
Like a big ole naked wiener…covered in a condom… to insure your travels are safe. What’s that? You say you are good at remembering things…best not to remember this Mr. Cole. But don’t worry, it’s safe….like an MRI machine but it’s not an MRI machine in a basement and all of this is not just in your head in some sort of divergent reality on planet Ogo.
Alright, one more alligator clip. I think this one goes to your right nipple…nope nope… already got one there….this is your classic left nipple alligator clip situation…nom nom nom…and there..ok enough Monkey Business. Alright, hold onto your butts I’m firing up the time tube. Clear!
is he gone? ok, let’s go shopping! Randy, Colonics For Everyone!
Twelve Monkeys (1995) – asking the tough questions. What did you do with you time? Did you waste it on drugs? Women? This movie? Are you also divergent, friend?
SHOW NOTES
how many monkees?
“…5 Billion People Will Die From A Deadly Virus in 1997… …The Survivors Will Abandon The Surface of the Planet… …Once Again the Animals Will Rule The World…”
Excerpts from interview with clinically diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, April 12, 1990 – Baltimore County Hospital.
Break out the accordion.
Witness, the death of the man…into the eyes of old man Bruce Willis.
Volunteers come back to the 7th Floor…or they get pardoned.
Volunteer Duty!
Let me put on my body condom.
oh no. Christopher Plummer!
We need a volunteer to head to the surface….don’t let the suit become compromised or you are not coming back.
Hissing roach collection…and now there is a bear.
That bear don’t seem hungry.
So the end came during Christmas….
…also collected…spider.
Doves are good and it sounds like other birds as well. Owls.
and lions…oh my.
“We did it” – Red Monkey!
I could do with 100% less Bruce Will-Ass
87645 (astrophysicists)
25 to life…you are going to hurt us…are you mister cole.
Why don’t you sit down in the metal chair that is wired.
TV Ball…can you see us?
Yet among the myriad microwaves / the infrared messages / the gigabytes of ones and zeros / we find words, byte-sized now / tinier even than science / lurking in some vague electricity. / But if we but listen / we hear the solitary voice of that poet telling us / Yesterday this day’s madness did prepare / tomorrow’s silent; triumph or despair / Drink, for you know not whence you came, nor why. / Drink, for you know not why you go, nor where.
Meanwhile, 1990
See through lady’s raincoats
He put 2 police officers in the hospital.
Cole does not like to be asked about his ID. He gets agitated
He was volunteered because he was a good observer. Got a tough mind.
Need to go. Drooling.
He thought it was Oct. It is April. He thought it was 1996. It is 1990. Oops
South of France? I can’t go to South of France. I just need to make a telephone call.
More scrubbing…everyone is always scrubbing Bruce Will-Ass
They are always playing loud TV in the Asylum.
Jones is doing the turtle…
5 thousand dollars….
Don’t play the games…you are volunteering.
plague of madness. Can’t let them call. Doctors discretion
Anti-capitalist Pitt.
He kept asking for shows that have already played….but the nurse change time.
L.J. Washington. He doesn’t really come from outer space. Ogo. I am mentality divergent….when I stop going there…I will be well.
“I don’t really come from outer space.” ….’Oh. L.J. Washington. He doesn’t really come from outer space.’….. “Don’t mock me my friend”
“It’s a condition of mental divergence.” “I find myself on the planet Ogo.” “Part of an intellectual elite…preparing to subjugate the barbarian hordes on Pluto.” “But even though this is a totally convincing reality for me in every way, nevertheless, Ogo is actually a construct of my psyche.” “I am mentally divergent…in that I am escaping certain unnamed realities…that plague my life here.” “When I stop going there, I will be well. Are you also divergent, friend?”
A board of intellects. Always a board of 6. With 2 enforcers.
Dr. Cassandra (complex) Railly (french to mock/jest)
Reoccurring nightmare of the death of who we assume are his parents when he was a child. His father is shot in an airport.
oh!! I found a spider! He is my spider now!
Crazy is Majority Rules.
Why did he eat the spider?
I’ve managed to contact certain underlings, evil spirits, secretaries of secretaries, and other assorted minions who will contact my father. And when my father finds out I’m in this kind of place, he’ll have them transfer me to one of those classy joints!
Colonics For Everyone!
My father is god. I worship my father. – Jeffery
Monkey Business (Marx brothers)
No more monkey business…let’s take it down.
The real problem is polluting the timeline. We already destroyed everything else.
haha…The My Pillow Guy wants him to go to the Keys. Foreshadowing of his final demise.
You are the most bootiful woman I have ever seen….
It is always a party of 5 against him. Party of 5.
4 year she has worked with the others.
The guy who shot him in the airport is the guy from the asylum.
Not a prob Bob.
Haha…alligator clips are one way to make a connection to your face.
Oculus symbol! Into the tube
6 Scientists.
You failed again…this is not the 3rd quarter of 1996 dummies.
Chicken little is sane and “Let’s go shopping is crazy.”
Jose! They sent Jose back as well….More Bruce Will_ass.
ok…so was there just a short hop into the 1st world war?
So the scientist have failed a lot sending people back in time.
Now the radio is telling him to go to the Florida Keys.
He went underground when he was 8.
Little 9 year old Ricky Nueman boy cried wolf.
The time tunnel is a cartoon idea…Woody Woodpecker.
I love this air. I love this music.
The Army of the Twelve Monkeys
She had a chance to run….
No sir old bob…is he here…is he there…does he exist in time.
It’s in the tooth…I fooled ’em…I got no teeth!
He beats him up like a monkey. We all just a bunch of monkeys..
haha…All I see are dead people! He said the thing!
Do you recognize Pig Face. Pig Face!! FAA…
Jeffery Goines is a Judas! You Judas!
She is a doctor…of the head! not the leg.
He loves seeing the sun.
Maybe he is Jeffery Newman.
They lowered a monkey down the hole. The monkey had a roast beef sandwich.
You dropped your gun!
Maybe she is the crazy one
Goines thinks she knows everything he is going to do
cracked up whore and crazy dentist
she left the message
She doesn’t know the future…but she thinks she does.
Vertigo is always changing to the viewer.
…and now he is confusing “The Birds” It was a Hitchcock double feature!
Well it’s too late now. He released them all!
She mentioned she had seen him before. Was it in the picture she was researching for her book?
It is always the same movie. It always happens the same. But each time we see it different?
Reincarnated. She can still save us all. She can tell him when he is a boy and fix it.
Jones is my name….she is in insurance. She insures the future always ends.
This film has a lot of nods to the french
Numbers, 5 (goodness) number of deaths/amount Jeffery asks for, 6 (incomplete) 6 in the past/6 in the future, 7(complete) floor of the travelers (heaven?), 12(double incomplete!)
Goines is introduces as just playing around. Games.
Hey, thanks guys for meeting me here at Rusty’s early morning bar and grill. Ibbott, go ahead and order another drink. it’s 9AM Mountain time and you got Saturday night at your house to do. Randy, would you like some wings? Scott, stop it…that’s gross.
Anywho, It’s been 11 years and 500 hundred episodes…. and you know, it’s very hard for me to say this, but at one time, you guys were the best. Maybe still are. But nothing lasts forever. Hard as it is to hear. We aren’t the future anymore. Unfortunately for us, we’re part of the past.
As I see it, if we keep this life up, the only way this thing ends, for all of us, is in a sack, in a hole, in the ground and no one giving a shit. Now, if that is the way I am supposed to go out, I can live with that. For me. But what I can’t live with, and won’t live with, is taking you with me.
So, it was a good run, Ibbott go ahead and order another drink. Randy, that is an unhealthy amount of wings. Scott, stop it….that’s gross.
Alright, well I just saw Harrison Ford slip into the backseat of my Ford Pickup Truck outside. I’m not sure if he has some new intel on an upcoming Indiana Jones movie he wants me to sack with my new twitch stream team or if he is just confused because he thinks its his truck. Because you know, Ford in a Ford.
Seriously Randy, no more wings! Do you want me to open up your meat shirt and show you your heart, cause you will be sad, oh so sad!
Happy 500 sacks everybody! Booby slave! Booby slave. Grab me my Mingo phone…I want to call Flash Gor-don to tell him all about it!
The Expendables 3 (2014) – In the movie’s own words “I hear this movie killed more people than the plague.” also “How much we getting paid for this?” “Not Enough For Bruce Willis” #500
SHOW NOTES
It’s a train! Choo Choo!
Armored Prison Transport
Put on the lucky ring
Hannibal Lectured his ass.
Wesley “Grady” Snipes
Snipes hates that portrait!
“Your Dude’s Tripping.”
Ramming Speed.
Who sets up their prison fort at the end of the prison transport.
You put the ending of your movie at the beginning.
A guy named Church.
Guys…where are our guys…Hammer…Butchman…gone…damn.
Why did he blow up the copter?
“I hear you killed more people than the plague.”
Tax Evasion.
Dolph is a sore loser
5 to 22.
That jingling time…your tags up there…jingling…jingle ling
1 mistake. 8 Years. Place called Swaziland. Failed Assassination. – Doc
49 Pontiac…
Why does the inside of this plane look like Twitch Studio
Meanwhile, Mogadishu
He’s good..shutup.
They give Wesley Snipes the best jump stunts.
Shipping Container Ride! Weee get in.
/me screams “Stonebanks!”
Told ya Crews…10 seconds…time to mow the lawn.
“How much we getting paid for this?” “Not Enough” Obviously..the operation cost is through the roof.
Down at the Port. What kind of firepit facility are they driving through?
Yes…we do weapons and firepits.
Make Room for Caesar! Huge black guy in a boat.
What pistol is Stathum shooting…the whole scream is bouncing.
Why did he shoot Crews in the ass…but then the chest.
You dropped the bomb on me.
Did Stallone have a stroke?
Meanwhile in Moscow.
Time to put together a new team.
It all ends “In a hole in the ground.”
Wesley Snipoes
“We’ve been (in) the mud, the Shit and the blood.” – Jason
Gibson bought the painting because he could.
Meanwhile, Vegas.
Is that the big dipper? We got to turn around.
Close quarter combat.
Rhonda Rhow-zee
I need a Job. All I know how to do is kill people…and I do that very well.
Sponsored by Ford…parked in an empty parking lot. With Harrison Ford in the back seat. How on the nose. Ford in the back seat of a Ford.
Put a Ford in your Ford.
Snipes eats all the screen.
Standard issue single seater motorcycles for all the Expendables.
Drinking…shooting…stabbing…
you better be right…ba-bam
This ain’t 1985…you can’t just go in shooting.
A squad is like a family…you know what I mean…and my brother betrayed me…in case you didn’t get the subtle drop.
A mark on Cain…like tattoo…not to mark him…but to protect him.
haha! “Hurry up, it’s boring” – Arnold.
now they are the Deletables.
“I’ll open up your meat shirt and show you your heart.”
The Hauge…
You didn’t check him for watches.
How did he get his email address? “theexpendables@gmail.com”
Do you know who he is working for? and who he is working for?
Time to get the crew back together.
I don’t have any friends. But other than the friends issue.
gogo…no galgo…
Christmas is coming…but it is July.
Morons Need Friends.
The tall one doesn’t like me.
Walking the river of rocks.
“Sally don’t like it.” – Snipes
PipBoy come on…jam it.
You didn’t charge it! It’s down to 9%.
Why aren’t they killing that Nanny Cam that Gibson has setup.
Get to the ground floor….get to the roof…do it yourself….Get to the choppa.
Yeah…that is fair…Stallone has been running around for about an hour…he just shows up…wanting to fight.
For sure is going to have to impale him..that is how this works.
This Sunday… it’s Thunderdome Live. Where you don’t want to miss when 2 men enter. 1 man leaves.
Hey, is this going to be like that one time when one of the men who enters is not really a man at all but some kind of grinning boy’s head sitting atop a man-body and then when he starts losing… his little person manager hops into the dome in the middle of the fight and starts yammering in some broken English he learned from Vinyl Records in his Circus train car…. only to be interrupted by yet a fourth individual who enters the dome of thunder to further the discussion on who runs the place…. all the while no “man leaves?” Cause that was some real partisan based pig shit right there.
Anywho, This Sunday, it’s Thunderdome Live!… Where apparently no rules apply….. Even though everyone is chanting the one damn rule.
Tickets available at the box office… if you can convince post modern Alfred Hitcock to sell ’em to ya. God I hate this job. Maybe I will see if I can get a job as an elevator operator. I can do that….Pushing a few buttons all day….ooooohh…Conan Style?…no thanks, I don’t do the cranks. That is just jerking time, Randy