and Good Morning Southwestern Sheriff’s Office Staff. As you ma have heard. Last night Sheriff Peck was killed by a large black sedan. Yes, the same dark car that has been terrorizing our small desert town in recent days. As you may know, I will be stepping into the role of acting Sheriff. My name is Wade Parent and I am the son of Sheriff Parent, Any questions? Yes…yes Sheriff Parent was my Dad which makes him my Parent Parent…look…let’s not get caught up in a whole thing here…we got a killer out there and we have to find a way to stop them and quick.
What’s that Officer Token-Southwestern-Native-American Type…you have something to say? No? Odd…I would have thought for sure you would have had something to suggest this was a car possessed by an evil spirit or something. Well good for you. It’s 1977 and it is a weird time for Native Americans in America.
Say what? You do have one working theory though? ok…I’m all mustache and ears..go…uh huh…right…ok….so you think maybe This car could possibly be possessed by my dad’s spirit? Hmmm….well he did hate Sheriff Peckerhead, Hitchhikers and “Bikers Not Biking in the Bike Lane.” But our movie is only an hour and a half long so let’s put a “pin” in that and just spring the wife beater from his cell and blow up the car with some dangerous explosives…Honk Honk…Boom…Mushroom Satan Cloud! We all go home and kiss our kids. The end…or is it? Yeah…it’s the end.
The Car (1977) – Liking this movie is like trying not to wiggle your ass while brushing your teeth..it’s impossible. oh deep cut. “Send an ambulance…tell them there is no rush.”
- Beep Beep
- So far…music good….atmosphere good….is this Shining music? Nice establishing shot…fat from blue (cool) to brown (warm)
- You are a little slow this morning Peter…you are getting old!
- Race you through the tunnel!!
- Uh oh…this sepia tone car interior can’t be good.
- Road Runner Tunnel…flat black on the inside..
- A little bike ride in the mountains….no problem.
- Jaws type music…
- It is 35..Speed limit
- Who puts a train horn on a car…
- Look at that blood trail that car left behind.
- C’mon…we have dismiss the idea that these bikers won’t just stop biking and get off the road.
- I’m watching you sleep…and eating your face….Dragon Breath.
- “Did you know it is impossible brush your teeth without wiggling your ass.”
- Lauren wants his 2 kids to like her…
- 2 kids listening to their dad and his lady friend.
- She grabbed him by the balls…literally.
- She has to go to school.
- Cop jokes…cause he is the cop.
- These kids have native american portraits of themselves over their beds.
- Santa Ynez
- Some guy with a french horn.
- Even my little friend in my treestump is singing.
- Farting music for a year.
- I’m moving as fast as my thumb will take it.
- 34 year old nympho and head to amazon basin and water ski. – Johnny Norris
- Johnny Norris said “up yours” and shot the car a bird…bye bird….honk hooooooonk…
- Mrs. Humphers. (Lauren)
- Mom is separated/divorced.
- As long as I don’t have to eat Brussels sprouts.
- A lot of impressions and a lot joking around.
- 4 times….all together…
- No Plate…Domestic?…lowered.
- They must be deep in the reservation.
- The Obligatory School Marching band that is slightly out of tune.
- Tommy Ness 13 imagine his teacher naked.
- This small town has a lot of cops.
- Beat up Bertha
- Uh oh…Deputy Drunk Duke is back on the sauce. He is next….
- I went to high school with Bertha…she was the first…now she is hooked up with Drunk Punch Husband.
- Putting pins in my topiary.
- Don’t be a bully…I hate bullys…
- Uh oh…who is hating the sinners in this town
- Don’t covenant your neighbor’s wife.
- Are you the car?
- Big and Black.
- Bad Things are coming with the wind. Says the little old native American Lady.
- Your the Chief now buddy.
- This while movie plays like an episode of Twilight Zone meets Perry Mason?
- “She said…there was no driver in the car….! Why you lying other guy!”
- Luke….small town sheriff…should we cancel our event? YES! too late.
- Time to get my sun on! Take a nap on the hood of my police car.
- “Send an ambulance…tell them there is no rush.”
- Marching Band…that is The Car Fodder.
- This car hates horns….I am the horn blower. Did the Chief have a horn?
- Jenny you are too Slow…and Bobby you are too…bunch of slow marchers.
- The wind is blowing
- Those horses are out!
- Get to the walls…fuck the horses.
- Terror is The Cars greatest strength.
- Why is that old lady slowing down her kid…oh…my arm…I fell…my arm…
- Into Hallowed Ground they go….where the hell are they practicing that they can run to a graveyard…an old graveyard?
- Hey You, Why don’t you get out of your big ugly car…I’d like to see what a creep like you looks like. Let us all see what a big lunatic. I got your story…in your car you are big and bad…Are you back again…what can we do for you sweet thing.
- This is Margie Johnson…The Car is locked in on the police frequency.
- What is Tadpole? as an insult?
- Now the teacher is in tight with the girls.
- He can’t take on both of us…Do a Barrel roll
- This is the most sensitive police force I have seen. Especially motorcycle cop too big for his bike.
- The wind just blew your paper into the road…get the hell out of the road fool.
- I love the painting that she has been working on for Wade…and now she is gone and so is Wade’s portrait with the cocked eyebrow. You failed me Wolf…oh…the painting survived!
- She cursed him…he crushed her.
- Get the other guys…we are creating a posse
- Everybody in this town is a cop.
- Copland…100 cops…3 citizens and some kids. Nobody else.
- Here is your box of Dangerous…easy now.
- I hope I make you proud daddy.
- 4 foot off the ground the car can bust through a house…is that the max height.
- Maggie now owns some kids.
- The Wife Beater and his Explosives…we need you.
- Oh shit…The Car is in his garage….
- Dude…care….why you in my garage? Are you my daddy?
- If this car is this guys Daddy…there is going to be a Not Luke…I am your Carther.
- This car does not want you to open the garage door…
- Gonna Carbon Monoxide you to death.
- Weakest point of the film is the speed up scenes.
- Going north across Jelly’s field.
- This thing can ram a cliff and you think you can bury him?
- Oh Damnation!
- Fatboy Slim running up a hill is humorous.
- Thelma and Louise this shit…honk honk!
- A pile of white men and one native american watching a demon emerge in the night sky after blowing up a canyon. Roar
- Well whoever he was…he ain’t no more. But in the fire….it’s over Luke…but the first…over! It ain’t over.
and Join us…..no not you Cheryl,..not you…you stay in the cellar and decompose quietly….I mean, why did you even come on our “College Couples Going To A Creepy Cabin To Hook Up In The Woods Trip Anyways?”
I brought a date. Scotty brought a date…but not you Cheryl… nope…not you….YOU brought a Sketch Book and a number 2 pencil. and you know what…you can’t date a Sketch Book and a number 2 pencil Cheryl?…well maybe YOU can…but not me… I have a girlfriend. A girlfriend who probably has lead poison in her ankle thanks to you and now she is most definitely not “in the mood.”
But you know what Cheryl…I’m going to make the best of it ..because that is what we do. Now who’s turn was it to read from the book inked in human blood and covered in human skin? Oh yeah…it’s me again.. Cheryl! Hey, Did you notice this book has a face? Maybe IT can be your date…
Cheryl and Skin Book,
Sexing in a Tree
No I I know that’s not how you spell rape Cheryl! Now Shutup…No…I’m telling mom…and that is how a real weekend with your little sister in the woods would go. There…I fixed your horror movie. Love ya sis.
First comes rape….
Then comes miscarriage
Then comes Cheryl
With an empty baby carriage.
The Evil Dead (1981) – This kind of looks like your old girlfriend sister you locked in the cellar of the cabin in the woods called Evil Dead 2? Hey is that creamed corn coming out of your sleeve. 1981 what time to be a deadite
- It’s water! What does it mean?!
- 4:3 Swampy Pond Bubble Bubble Toll and Trouble
- Nice Bowl cut
- This must be some 1981 kind of car singing.
- Tennessee Border..
- Lazy Mary Truck!!!
- Which puts us right…here…dead.
- Haha…Bruce Campbell …that car has a very inconsistent rolling up and down.
- I wasn’t honking at you!
- Why is the car owner in the back seat?
- Dangerous Bridge indeed.
- What are they riding in to get these car in the woods shots? Cause that is awesome!
- No one even has seen this cabin in the woods.
- Every disturbing camera angle you can imagine.
- “We’ll wait here by the car.”
- Oh man…I would not step into a smokey cabin like that.
- All of these shots are eye level or above. nope…down below.
- Room full of rusty metal tools…check.
- Draw the clock…it broke.
- I draw real good! Also, windy prompted book of the dead.
- Perhaps it is in the basement
- Party Down. I Nis mis Tu Tu Tu Tarim
- A fine dinner party of mac and cheese, moonshine and salad.
- Sure…let us go into the basement
- Hey Scott…Scotty…Linda!
- 2 dudes…3 girls…
- The only way to watch this is on a 13″ to 19″ Tube TV.
- This Basement has a closed door…never go into the room in a basement behind a closed door.
- Boom Stick. The Hills Have Eyes
- Scotty is a real shit…pointing guns at people
- Bruce is a good sport…a little too good of a sport.
- The book has a drawing of itself?
- Ruins of Candar…Candarian Ruins.
- Naturan Demanto. Book of the dead…Bound in human flesh and inked in human blood. Deals with Demons and Demon Resurrections.
- Don’t recite this book. License to inhabit the human body.
- Samerian chants. Don’t do that.
- “Shut it off!” – Cheryl
- Scott doesn’t know when to stop.
- Hey baby…let’s listen to the thunder
- Join Us Cheryl Art Hands…you lonely single lady in a couples cabin.
- All the single ladies…all the single ladies. Scream
- Attacked by the roots!
- Raped by the roots
- I want to leave right now Ashley…Ash
- Bridge is out
- Wife is possessed by Candarian Demon…only dismemberment
- Demon Cheryl issues a dire warning…1 by 1 we will take you.
- Pencil to the ankle. Lead poison
- and into the hole you go Cheryl
- Shelly is out!
- For God’s Sake…what happened to her eyes!
- These demons are always retreating and entreating.
- Stay away from the durn windows!
- Join us! Such pretty skin!!
- The demon in the basement is really jazzed up.
- While Bruce Stands By….with axe….
- She’s dead…we got to bury her. now!
- She’s your girlfriend…you take care of her
- Linda done gone bad.
- Scotty got bit!
- No bridge…The Trail…the Tree…it knows
- I think Linda and Cheryl are having more fun than you.
- Come on ash…don’t punch your girl…shoot her. Choot her.
- not another peep. time to go to sleep
- Ash done lost it
- Oh hi….join us
- that is a back stabbing dagger
- No. Remember Linda and the necklace…you can’t just chainsaw her! Of course you can.
- OMG…that calve digging was painful as fook
- Beat her with a railroad tie
- Grody, next spurts right into the ole mouth hole.
- Look at all the Fake Shemps
- “Where did I see those box of shells?” oh yeah..
- This cabin is full of blood.
- Shut up Linda!
- “c’mon why you torturing me like this.” – Ash
- Hope is in the necklace…or Linda is regret? or love is hope?
- haha…the futility of blocking a door 4 foot away from a giant window
- Scott ain’t dead…but he does have eye goo!
- Ow….poker to the back!!!
- use the necklace as a hook!
- Nooooo…he burnt the book of the dead! That is all it took?
- Every Tool Music Video!!
- is that creamed corn or oatmeal?
- Giant monster hands!!! This is way worse!!
- One last Join Us
Hello, is this the Dinohattan Police Department? Well this is Big Bertha down at the “Evolved Dino Dance Club” located in the alternate earth dimension where dinosaurs evolved into people… and I would like to report a theft. Yes, a plumber stole my necklace like he stole my heart. Additionally he took my jumping rocket boots. Well I sort of gave them to him and his cute little Leguizamo brother. But I’m pretty sure they are not bringing those back either.
Hello? Are you even listening? What am I hearing right now? It sounds like you are getting a back rub by some dino-prostitute in high heels using their stinky dino feet.
Sounds accurate, because it is accurate?
Listen, get in your Road Warrior Hybrid Police Vehicle and/or Walk the Dinosaur down here and get my necklace back before I de-evolve your dino-bits.
Oh wait…the police cars in this alternate dino reality all run on electricity because they don’t have fossil fuels. In fact the whole reason for their lagging behind earth one is because there was no industrial revolution fueled by the oil industry! Could this movie perhaps be more than what I thought?
Nah…Dino Mario…Swing your arms from side to side
Come on, it’s time to go. Dino Mario!
Super Mario Bros. (1993) – I think Luigi Mario said it best when he proposed the question “It was a pleasure to meet me. Do you eat?” Trust the fungus.
Dino Mario…Swing your arms from side to side
Come on, it’s time to go. Dino Mario!
- A long time ago…ruled by the dinosaurs.
- Parallel dimension Intelligent Fish and Dinosaurs…wiped out by meteor found their way back
- Brooklyn 20 year ago…dropping off the baby at the church
- and back to the sewers you go mom. Oh…it’s an egg…she left an egg.
- Kuppa wants the rock…which is an egg…with a baby in it. and a rock…baby girl
- 3 plungers of varying sizes!
- Mario Brothers…no leak too small
- On a Miraculous World.
- University is digging for dino bones…keep your construction away Scapelli
- Sniffing dogs….
- Found her. …2 Arms…1 Head…2 Legs
- “It was a pleasure to meet me. Do you eat?” -Luigi
- Everybody’s got tap water…3 dollars for a bottle of ater?
- Free Tans!! Thanks Mario’s Brother!
- She is the baby!!!
- Luigi is not Mario’s brother? He was adopted?
- Wake up Spike!!
- No I bag her and you grab her…no I grab her and you bag her.
- Weird is working at a bone pit.
- They are both low self esteem people.
- Mario is batting way out of his league.
- No security at the bone pit
- She feels comfortable in the pit
- 0 for 5
- Luigi always has a feeling..shortcuts…and phasing rocks.
- From Brooklyn to Koopa Dinohattan
- Princess Daisy and the Rock
- 2000 Koopa Coins for the plumbers.
- Moon boots took the stone …meteorite.
- Mario Mario and Luigi Mario.
- Check in Cop and his foot to shoulder massage.
- This is like living in Beetle Juice world for far too long.
- The Old king was de-evolved into the goo.
- Egg Sucking Son of a Snake
- T-Rex is Koopa
- Toad to Goomba
- Vote Koopa
- Evolve the dummies
- Yoshi is a pet
- Dino Descendants
- Plumbers – Disgusted Voice
- I am with you cousin!
- 65 Million Years ago.
- K – Koopa Towels
- Yoshi is a throwback
- Big Bertha with the boots
- Uh oh…he stole Bertha’s heart and then her necklace…this will end badly.
- Time to walk the dinosaur.
- Koop Pizza.
- These pipes haven’t been serviced for years.
- Take care of your tools Luigi
- Trust the Fungus
Mario : [trying to get a dance with Big Bertha] Hey, the name’s Mario. I’m your main man, your ram-a-dame, your can of spam…
Bertha : [punches him and laughs]
Mario : [second try] Excuse me. Will you hit me again? I’ve never seen such fluidity. The way your knuckles crunched as you smashed ’em into my face.
Bertha : [grabs him by the jacket] Dance with me. I’ll hit you all you like.
Alright guys, suck wall, you all are under arrest for watching an illegal amount of buddy cop movies and then discussing those buddy cop movies at length for 10+ years.
You have the right to shut your filthy mouths.
Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of public opinion.
You have the right to a social media account.
If you cannot create an account, one will be provided for you by Google and then taken away from you 1 year later. because hey, it’s Google .
Do you understand the rights I have just read to you? Yeah me either.
With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me? No? Fine then I will just pop a cop squat and fire off a couple of shot. so we can get on with this love fest.
Running Scared (1986) – Do you think we all wear uniforms and drive cars that say “Filmsack” on them? Well we do. Hey what size is that love you have there?
- Buddy buddy cop
- Street ball with Joey Pants
- 50K dollars!
- You mugging us?
- Let us keep the driver’s license and the snapshots
- Miranda rights
- What is wrong with that one guys gun…is it wooden?
- These muggers have a pretty nice car but shitting guns.
- The mean alleys of Chicago
- 6 shot. You always aim low anyways.
- Bill Crystal does an old jewish guy.
- A line up of 4 cops and Snake number 5
- Joey no Pants…what am I stupid?
- First Spanish GodFather of Chicago
- Meeting down at the docks.
- Gonzales – Drugs from Columbia. Broke up the DEA bust.
- Time to take a break.
- A very bad sign when a cop thinks Chicago will fall apart without them
- Vacation in Key West. Far south as they can go without learning a new language
- Key West is full of woman who are ok with riding around guys on motoscooters and lying around in hammocks and buying bars with dead aunt money.
- High we sell tupperware…we sold him jello molds…is that kid shooting birds? Do you need a lettuce crisper…Yeeeees! When fired upon…return fire.
- Undercover Cop Car.
- Crystal has never been shot…but his partner hasn’t.
- Throw me the pants and I’ll throw you the whip. It’s ok. I have long johns…they are long and the leanest and rhymes with enis or meanis
- You have the miranda warning/rights and their variations for you.
- “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you? With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me?”
- Hines does not want to give up his pants. Hope them Johns are clean.
- Hey that is Julios car…you’re not Julio!
- Cell phone call humor. Tell him I said hello
- Pop a Cop Squat
- You’ve never called for backup before
- Taxi Cab Cop.
- Can you
This week I sold my first screenplay to Troma Films. Yep! I’m rich! Well, I have pizza money. Now according to the Troma Film Script Naming App, that was recently banned by the US Govt, they are going to title the film “The Many Exploits of Cowboy Chop-Suey Through The Multiverse: There And Back Again 9 Times.” Bravo Troma App. Bravo
Anywho, here is the pitch I gave them:
Cowboy Chop-Suey, born to a Chinese American mother and a bowl of Pinto Beans, thus began life as she was destined to suffer it….going in no direction all at once. A mediocre neurosurgeon, this lawsuit waiting to happen, was tossed to the curb after less than stellar performance at her job.
On the streets, she loitered around China Town learning useful skills such as: finding food by digging through the garbage behind various eateries. Where she discovers a discarded notebook filled with Multiverse theories which she shows to a gathering group of curious raccoons, those disease-ridden back-alley mammals The China Town Trash Pandas.
And now, with her stolen rickshaw covered in bottle rockets lifted from a fireworks stand and ready for an escape to another reality, Cowboy Chop-Suey faces the greatest improbability of her downward spiraling life…
…while below the streets, in the sewer, a group of clowns, mounted on discarded pet alligators, peers from storm drains keeping a gleeful eye on Team Suey’s every move…
There…I made your movie worse. You are welcome!
The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984) – You have exceeded the character limit. Oh…the deuce you say.
- Which dimension is this?
- B backwards B
- 8 dimensions!!
- Hand me my Casio…time to make some text scroll music
- Buckaroo Banzai, born to an American mother and a Japanese father, thus began life as he was destined to live it…going in several directions at once. A brilliant neurosurgeon, this restless young man grew quickly dissatisfied with a life devoted solely to medicine. He roamed the planet studying martial arts and particle physics, collecting around him a most eccentric group of friends, those hard-rocking scientists The Hong Kong Cavaliers.
- And now, with his astounding Jet Car ready for a bold assault on the dimension barrier, Buckaroo Banzai faces the greatest challenge of his turbulent life…
- …while high above Earth, an alien spacecraft keeps a nervous watch on Team Banzai’s every move…
- Interesting launch area dialogue. Sounds somewhat authentic without sounding like jabber
- Part stuntman..part explorer.
- It’s it hot in this bunker.
- Brain surgery
- Can you sing? A little. I can dance. Says Goldblum
- 500 miles an hour Jalopy…you are gullible General…or is he
- Ha! His “Remember Them” photo on his dashboard is of himself.
- Rokit 88
- Abort Phase 2! No can do!
- Uhh…Buckaroo…I think you hit a naked inter-dimensional being with your heavily modified Chevy.
- Oscillation over-thruster
- Time to brush those teeth!
- Sound Barrier and then the Dimensional Barrier…just like B backwards B said it would be.
- We got a crazy person.
- Hikita saw in 1938.
- Some shock therapy to remember 1938
- Lithgow is always entertaining to stare at.
- His remember them is a woman and child.
- Lithgow was not going fast enough….Now his head is full of crazy panting and anger.
- When asked Where he went…. “Vast chasms of hissing swamp, spurts of flame, huge thunderclaps and gurgling rock formations.” – BB
- Lithium no longer available on credit
- Surgeon, Test Pilot, Dimensional Traveler, Rock Star
- Excuse me…is someone out there not having a good time…somebody out there crying in the darkness…can we point it out.
- Who cares…my name is Penny Pretty.
- Hey don’t mean…cause remember….no matter where you go…there you are.
- I’m going to sing this song for you Peggy….Penny.
- Everybody got a gun.
- Moon…no Planet 10
- Mr. John Bigboote…Operator
- Hot off the World Watch Wire.
- Criminally Insane Asylums. Prison for womens.
- Queen of the Netherlands.
- 30 years ago…his parents died.
- Pure evil from the 8th Dimesion! Lectroids! Alien bestowed Sight
- Christopher Lloyd? The next year…Back to the Future
- Oh…the deuce you say.
- Yo Yo Dyne
- Its your hand!
- Unraveling the world/dimension building in this movie is difficut.
- Mrs. Johnson. Gear up!
- Destroy yourself Gaunt! John Valuk is dead…he fell on his head.
- What’s in the big pink box.
- Blue Blazer Irregular.
- 46 Jersey SS requests. Yo You
- John Smallberries…all Johns
- War of the World Connection
- Killer Loogie!
- Bubble Mask Viewer
- 8th Dimension is a formless void
- Stop John Wharfin by sunset or Nuclear War.
- Why is there a watermelon there?
- nooo…not Rawhide!
- The president is in traction.
- Truncheon Bomber…You You.
- This situation is explosive over Jersey.
- Black Letroid.
- Talking to Brain Cells.
- User more honey!
- Nothing personal John Parker.
- I am scared…I am barely holding my fudge here.
- Bigbootie…activate your probes
- Did this movie inspire They Live, Alien Nation? X-Files, Back to the Future…and more.
- There are MonkeyBoys in the facility
- John Emdall must die…Lord Whorfin must live…work work work
- Bukaroo Zaps everyone.
- The Greatest Joy
- Slow slug of death
- John Parker take this wheel.
- It flys like a truck…god…what is a truck?
- Some ugly Dune Planet looking ships.
- John Wharfin…destroyed.
- Scooter saved the day! Ride in the Jet Car.
- She ded. She charged.
- So What. Big Deal.
- Buckaroo Banzai against the World Crime League