Welcome to hell Carrie, we’ve been expecting you. Hopefully, you took notice of all the graffiti signs we have been leaving around town for the last couple of weeks to prepare you. Now come on in and burn a while. haha…I’m kidding. This is hell…you burn forever.
Ok…so let’s see…here is your first “turd in hell” ration. Just go ahead and eat that one up and get a taste of what to expect…oh don’t worry…we call it a ration…but really there is just an endless supply of shit down here.
Up next is the sign up sheet for the Devil’s Dance…you may know it back on earth as “The Prom.” This year’s theme is “Bring your Mom to Prom.” and speak of the devil, there’s your mom now trying to save Tommy from eternal damnation. You’re too late Margret! Now get back in your Prayer Pantry and Pray to Scary Jesus until the Devil’s Dance.
Oh hell…I see Billy is over at the lake of fire smashing hogs with a sledge hammer. Well, Carrie we will just have to finish up your orientation later. Hey Billy! Stop it! Stop enjoying yourself! This is hell for Pete’s sake. At least act like your are miserable!
You can’t hide from me Billy I can see your stupid Silhouette!
Carrie (1976) – I can see your dirty pillows and really way too much more than I care for. De Palma was weak…De Palma was weak…say it.
- 1976! What…that’s pre-Star Wars!
- Eat Shit Carrie
- A little friendly game of Volleyball and then a wild sexy romp in the ladies locker room.
- Can’t get enough of naked ladies rubbing themselves??…how about some slow mo for that Body Washing.
- Plug it up…plug it up…plug it up…that’s shit only King would write.
- This Gym teacher is kind of aggressive.
- Carrie White…not no more.
- The principal is not comfortable with all this women stuff.
- We can call you a cab
- Dismissed from gym for a week!
- “Crazy Carrie… Crazy Carrie..” Bike crash.
- These are godless times…I’ll drink to that.
- Here lady…here is a book of the lord for your heathen daughter.
- The first sin was intercourse! The first sin was intercourse.
- Momma…why didn’t you tell me.
- Eve was weak…Eve was weak…say it!
- You didn’t tell me momma! The curse of blood.
- Here Carrie…get into the praying pantry.
- That praying pantry Jesus is a little too real for me.
- “Thank you momma for my prayer time with scary Jesus in the prayer pantry.”
- Carrie White says it’s beautiful.
- It is bad enough to write Eat Shit…it’s worse to draw it.
- Stretch Norma Stretch
- The coach is just making them girls all super strong…they gonna beat up Carrie
- and now…run in a herd. Shut up Chris.
- This is over…this isn’t over by a long shot.
- Carrie knows she has the mind powers
- Come on Travolta…Drinking and Driving!
- Is Travolta in the slow lane…
- She is always getting slapped…the coach…her boyfriend.
- James Garner in the Gun Something
- Don’t call Travolta a Dumb Shit…or you will get the slap down.
- The library can teach you hot to use your telekinesis…aka witch powers
- If you ask Carrie to the prom she will run away.
- Having a moment with the gym teacher in the courtyard.
- This was the original Mean Girls
- You can’t go to Prom without a date!! What!
- “We don’t care how we look…do we William Katt?” Well…hair toss…maybe.
- Look at all these pigs! It’s a good joke right…kill a pig and take it’s blood.
- Travolta is the nightmare pigs have. Hammer time…get’er done.
- “You’ve been invited to the prom? You mean the Devil’s Dance? Now get in the Prayer Pantry and pray to scary Jesus.”
- After the blood comes the boys.
- Tell that boy you ain’t going to prom or we are moving away from here.
- Psycho music
- The devil took your daddy out of here…kicking and screaming.
- How did those loser get all that pig blood in that gas can.
- Keep your tits on and I will let you pull the rope when the time comes.
- Does Freddy have mind powers? Is he going to be there to count the ballots for king and queen at 6…he will be there at 8.
- Bates high school. Like Norman Bates?
- Uh…Ma’am are you going to buy those lipsticks?
- $10 bucks to rent a tux?
- I don’t have a Tuxedo body.
- It’s Pink Momma…are you colorblind or something?
- I can see your dirty pillows….breasts..they are called breasts.
- He’s going to laugh at you…they are all going to laugh at you.
- Look what you did mamma…you messed up my dirty pillows!
- Well the prom is going well. I love the prom band.
- What is Mrs Collin’s deal with Carrie…she is really focused in.
- Tommy is a pretty good pretender.
- This movie does a good job at lulling your into a false sense of trust…even though you know something bad is going to happen.
- You liked my poem!
- Love in the stars (prom theme)…feeling like I’m on Mars.
- To the Devil with false modesty…to the Devil. Momma was right!!
- Time to chop vegetables. They are all going to laugh at you. Chop Chop Chop
- Norma is always wearing that hat…even at prom.
- Drop them ballots and just start kicking.
- Travolta under the prom stage is enough to give you nightmares.
- That bucket is supposed to be full of glitter and star dust not pig blood.
- Sissy Spacek was 25 or 26 here.
- That blood bucket is all giggly.
- Follow the rope to the silhouette hands under the stage.
- William Katt is like…My girlfriend so crazy…got me taking other chics to the prom…now she is getting thrown out of the prom.
- They’re all gonna laugh at you…Mom had powers of future sight. Trust me Carrie…you can Trust me. Sorry…
- You know what this prom needs…water and electricity and a lot of fire.
- Now we gotta move.
- Mom is at home having candle light church.
- Now your dress is red. I guess your mom saw that as well. Foreshadow…they are all going to laugh at you.
- Momma is creepy hiding behind the door like that.
- I should have killed myself the first time he put it in me. The sin never dies.
- Whiskey Sex and I liked it
- The Devil has come home…you are the devil in this scenario Carrie
- Gonna stab you in the back with my floor knife.
- and now I am the scary the Jesus.
- Head to the Prayer Pantry with Scary Jesus as the house falls down.
- For Sale…one pile of rubble…
- Jump Scare!
oh oh uh oh..it looks like someone has been messing with my 80s Big Bird Magic Slate board that I use or my show notes. I know. I know. it’s risky to keep something so important on something designed to be reused over and over again. But I do love the sound of peeling back the acetate sheet from the slate as the words are ripped from the page and the comfort in knowing that everything I write about Scott can easily be erased from existence with a simple flick of the wrist. Scott is a poopy head…rip! Scott smells like a poop…! BTW most of my Scott insults are poop related…But he will never know…RIP!
Anywho, Perhaps my Magic Slate board is trying to tell me something. Aca-Kuto-Alla-Eta…hmmm…that’s just nonsense. Rip! Alright, I guess I’m winging my intro this week.
This week on Filmsack we are opening “the gate” to pure 80s horror in this low budget film by Hungarian director Tibor Taka…Whaaaaat in the fresh hell is that..
Hey little demon minion..may I assist you on your travels? Oh I see. Yes…I believe you are looking for the Johnson residence. oooh ooh ooh ok. Yes…Utah…right…Here, I’ll just write down the address on my backup Magic Slate featuring Kermit the Frog…..I know…you minion guys love these things..now hold still.. Oh…just let me clear this first slate real quick..Scott eats poop. Rip!
Good hunting my tiny demon assistant friend.
The Gate (1987) – “Demons aren’t going to ring the doorbell Glenn…Well apparently they do Al. Now throw that bible into the hole like some kind of holy hand grenade. Somebody get this dog a beer.
- Who sponsored this kids jacket…everyone!
- Typical 80s suburbia
- Kid home alone…nothing scarier
- No Pleasure…It stinks…no pleasure MTV video
- That is a big hunk of red meat.
- Momma doll…up in the tree house. I had a tree house.
- From dusk to dark in the matter of minutes.
- Chainsaws are the worst to be awaken by.
- It was just a nightmare. or was it.
- That tree laid an egg. Geode..
- How much can you get for a big one…geode.
- Like worst fear as a kid while digging.
- The size of that splinter! Don’t bleed in the old gods demon hole!
- Look at the size of the geode
- Alexandra..don’t call me Al. Al is all grown up…no time for little brother.
- Ever since I burn a hole in the roof…dad won’t let me shoot any rockets.
- Demon Moths!
- dammit Glenn..this hole is getting worse
- 3 whole days.
- If Terry jumped off a bridge…sure…Terry has great jumping skills
- Grounded for digging holes!
- Dad made Glenn cover the hole and then is grounded.
- Terry’s Mom died last year and is weird now.
- There is a construction guy possibly buried in the walls
- Why did I bring these demon moths into my room! That’s cruel…and now they are dead.
- Give the dog his pills…and no parties…PARTY!
- “Somebody get this dog a beer.”
- No one has ever had a house party while their parents leave for the weekend.
- This dang Geode will not split.
- Glenn Power this geode.
- The dog is 97
- Don’t read the words ! What the hell is wrong with you kids
- This Ghostbusters sounding scary music during the scary
- “I believe it girl…” We made up stories to explain the extraordinary…I BELIEVE IT.
- Time to levitate
- Let’s see if we can levitate Glenn…c’mon Brad.
- One Asian Guy…One Black Guy…a collection of white kids from the 80s
- Dad is going to be so mad at me….first the roof.
- I believe girl is a witch…burn the witch!
- Stubblefield pants me too. I barfed on Steve Slavick.
- We are scared…we levitated Glenn.
- Do these pajamas make me look fat?
- No Terry! That ain’t your mom!
- Dammit…You killed Angus! Why Terry! You hugged to the death.
- He was 97…they don’t live much beyond that.
- Killer Dwarfs …thanks Terry.
- Are we eating Angus…don’t worry about Angus…you just eat your bowl of meat Glenn.
- So he loves rockets…is his name really Glenn? or is he named after the restaurant
- Heavy Metal dialogue….lip sync The Dark Book album.
- Convenient …Terry has the one album that explains it all.
- Who keeps a bag of garlic hanging in the kitchen.
- Woo…dropped the F bomb.
- Stupid Al…I’ll just launch this rocket I was going to give you.
- “Sorry Glenn…you got Demons ” – Terry
- The old gods…those are the demons.
- Terry is insane anyways…he doesn’t even have sheets on his bed.
- The hole. The Geode. The Levitation. THE SACRIFICE! …and straight into the hole you go Angus.
- The Gate is just cracked open
- This album has it all…even back masking to close the gate.
- We accidentally summoned demons..but don’t worry…we got it…we used the album.
- awww…Al..you’re back…No beach…just good quality family time.
- 2 human sacrifices!
- “Demons aren’t going to ring the doorbell.”
- Suck my nose until my head caves in…foreshadowing.
- But if Terry is behind us…then who is in the bed? eek
- Scariest part of this movie is the 80s hair
- Everything catches fire
- what now…THE BIBLE
- They need 2 human sacrifices
- Relax…I’m gonna read the last verse.
- Terry just threw the bible in there like some kind of holy hand grenade
- Don’t jump on the gate! are you insane
- She put the boom in boom box
- They keep reconstituting into some kind of demon Voltron
- If it requires 2 D cell batteries we are all dead
- Happy Birthday Al
- That may be the best flipping I have ever seen in a movie
- and nobody else in town even noticed.
- Al will never be allowed to babysit again
- Wait. Angus is alive!?
and now the final thoughts of a fat guy in a trailer park as he reflects on his life:
“Well Fat Stuff…this is it. It’s Miller time for the last time. But no need to get broke up about it…I mean just look around you Fatso Gribbens…what a beautiful life you have lived… albeit too short and perhaps a little too fat.
So, Goodbye topless Mermaid statuette I won at the county fair popping balloons in 84. See ya, Iron Madden mini poster I won at the county fair tossing rings in 86. I’ll catch you on the flippy floppy prize winning miniature fatso cow I kissed at the county fair in 87. I’ll miss your face the most but I will carry our love into the afterlife like a burning torch to light my way”
Locooooo….Loocoooo… Hey, Bury me in the backyard with my Bullshit hat or don’t bury me at all.
Creepshow 2 (1987) – Like a War Chief without paint on a dry day. That’s a scalping. or I fought the lake but the blob won. Thanks for the ride lady.
- I mean…what is it
- One more step and BLAM
- oh nowhere…just a sleepy town in Maine
- Comet news agency driven by The Creep.
- This feels like King so far
- Oh Billy…you are such a junkie
- Hot off the presses
- It turned into a toon!
- I loved horror comics when I was a kid.
- What is up with Horror Hosts and puns
- Drinking Jimmy’s Cracked Corn
- A warchief without war paint is like…
- more than 30 years of standing
- what do you want me to do Martha
- This store has….
- Meanwhile, down at the town of Dead River…Ray…everything has moved away
- This is the saddest TV music you will ever hear
- Do you need to wear an apron over your overhauls?
- haha…could you pull us around to the next store…sputter sputter clutch sputter
- Chief say Ya-Ta-Hey
- Do you guys always check the time when there is a wall clock in a scene? 3:13PM
- “I am ashamed to stand inside this place when my people are so much in your debt, Ray Spruce owner of the General Store in Dead River and keeper of the Wooden War Chief.”
- The Jachimba…
- Dude…this is a general store…not a pawn shop
- Eilene is your forever after 2 autumns
- It is a bad thing to borrow…it is a worse thing to beg
- Good Afternoon Martha Spruce
- Chief Woodenhead has been waiting for this moment
- and now it is dark inside and 4:30…that was a long talk
- …no shove this in his mouth…he big…
- Native American Sam in a photo booth dreaming about being a hollywood star and the millions of women who want to run his hair through their legs.
- Took him 9 years to grow this hair…what you think I’m not serious…9 years…I’m not just goofing around here.
- Do you know that movie…where the guy…
- one more step and Blam
- Oh shit…you done shot Martha in the side
- cool…throwing up
- “Let’s go fat stuff…we got some money that needs spending.”
- “we’re going to Hollywood, Fats.”
- I am Native American Groot
- Abs of wood
- hell..it’s Miller time…it’s always Miller time down at the Trailer Park
- fat stuff and his prize winning cow.
- Oh no…my life is flashing before my eyes and all I see is a my shitty trailer memorabilia
- Iron Maiden Artwork…check
- Leather Chic on a bike…check
- Mermaid boobies…check
- Black and white Hustler Pin Up…check
- Miller cans…check and check
- Prize winning cow pic…check
- and this bullshit cap..check a roo and guitar riff
- Geez how long is he going to call Loco
- Everybody is wanting Poncho
- haha…yes Poncho…Loco has more sense than you have
- Cisco is everywhere!
- Ironical…got him by his hair-sticals
- Oh..that’s a scalping
- So did uncle set up the old folks…cleared the debt….killed his slacker nephew and recovered the tribes treasure…How indeed.
- Creepshow is not a Funny Paper!
- I feel the need…the need for weed…now…pass the joint..pass the joint
- The Raft…it will be there
- a lot of Poncho references that I don’t get in this movie
- Z28…yellow…he like yellow
- Horlicks University
- Deke has a speedo and a coin purse?
- The water was actually cold enough to almost give the actor who played Randy, hypothermia
- “Too damn cold to get laid..”
- Zeke is a singer of things
- Laverne is not a strong swimmer
- I don’t believe in Oil Slicks
- have you ever seen an oil slick…well..have you.
- Damnit Rachel…you don’t make no sense…first you are annoyed with everyone and won’t smoke…then you go looking for a smoke…and then you rub the “oil slick” and now you are dead
- a puke per segment.
- Come on your read all the science books…brainball
- pretty sure Deke don’t bend that way….
- That must be a DieHard Battery in Dead Deke’s car…radio is still playing
- haha…oh Randy…you are such a Creep
- You really put the Randy in Randy
- You are such a dumbass Randy
- Well Swimmers…that’s a lawsuit
- Hitchiker…bed frame IT copy
- You charge by the orgasm? $160
- selling your body for a Mercedes
- Annie is a bit of a hot mess
- I was headed to Dover…now I’m dead
- Run Annie…Run
- Was this before or after Stephen King got hit? Happens all the time
- Think rationally Annie…can you live with this?
- “You’re seeing things bitch…you can’t live with it”
- This Mercedes has too many points of entry!
- Thanks for the ride lady!
- She’s trying to swipe him off like some kind of thicket car wash
- low bridge
- Why does she keep stopping..
- He’s like some kind of immortal hitchhiker
- Annie used the ole shoot and kick
- I beat you…I got you…
- Jesus…take the wheel…I am not doing my best driving
- She’s willing to give the hitchhiker $50…is that $25 per orgasm?
- They eat meat! Billy and his FlyTraps