oh oh uh oh..it looks like someone has been messing with my 80s Big Bird Magic Slate board that I use or my show notes. I know. I know. it’s risky to keep something so important on something designed to be reused over and over again. But I do love the sound of peeling back the acetate sheet from the slate as the words are ripped from the page and the comfort in knowing that everything I write about Scott can easily be erased from existence with a simple flick of the wrist. Scott is a poopy head…rip! Scott smells like a poop…! BTW most of my Scott insults are poop related…But he will never know…RIP!
Anywho, Perhaps my Magic Slate board is trying to tell me something. Aca-Kuto-Alla-Eta…hmmm…that’s just nonsense. Rip! Alright, I guess I’m winging my intro this week.
This week on Filmsack we are opening “the gate” to pure 80s horror in this low budget film by Hungarian director Tibor Taka…Whaaaaat in the fresh hell is that..
Hey little demon minion..may I assist you on your travels? Oh I see. Yes…I believe you are looking for the Johnson residence. oooh ooh ooh ok. Yes…Utah…right…Here, I’ll just write down the address on my backup Magic Slate featuring Kermit the Frog…..I know…you minion guys love these things..now hold still.. Oh…just let me clear this first slate real quick..Scott eats poop. Rip!
Good hunting my tiny demon assistant friend.
The Gate (1987) – “Demons aren’t going to ring the doorbell Glenn…Well apparently they do Al. Now throw that bible into the hole like some kind of holy hand grenade. Somebody get this dog a beer.
- Who sponsored this kids jacket…everyone!
- Typical 80s suburbia
- Kid home alone…nothing scarier
- No Pleasure…It stinks…no pleasure MTV video
- That is a big hunk of red meat.
- Momma doll…up in the tree house. I had a tree house.
- From dusk to dark in the matter of minutes.
- Chainsaws are the worst to be awaken by.
- It was just a nightmare. or was it.
- That tree laid an egg. Geode..
- How much can you get for a big one…geode.
- Like worst fear as a kid while digging.
- The size of that splinter! Don’t bleed in the old gods demon hole!
- Look at the size of the geode
- Alexandra..don’t call me Al. Al is all grown up…no time for little brother.
- Ever since I burn a hole in the roof…dad won’t let me shoot any rockets.
- Demon Moths!
- dammit Glenn..this hole is getting worse
- 3 whole days.
- If Terry jumped off a bridge…sure…Terry has great jumping skills
- Grounded for digging holes!
- Dad made Glenn cover the hole and then is grounded.
- Terry’s Mom died last year and is weird now.
- There is a construction guy possibly buried in the walls
- Why did I bring these demon moths into my room! That’s cruel…and now they are dead.
- Give the dog his pills…and no parties…PARTY!
- “Somebody get this dog a beer.”
- No one has ever had a house party while their parents leave for the weekend.
- This dang Geode will not split.
- Glenn Power this geode.
- The dog is 97
- Don’t read the words ! What the hell is wrong with you kids
- This Ghostbusters sounding scary music during the scary
- “I believe it girl…” We made up stories to explain the extraordinary…I BELIEVE IT.
- Time to levitate
- Let’s see if we can levitate Glenn…c’mon Brad.
- One Asian Guy…One Black Guy…a collection of white kids from the 80s
- Dad is going to be so mad at me….first the roof.
- I believe girl is a witch…burn the witch!
- Stubblefield pants me too. I barfed on Steve Slavick.
- We are scared…we levitated Glenn.
- Do these pajamas make me look fat?
- No Terry! That ain’t your mom!
- Dammit…You killed Angus! Why Terry! You hugged to the death.
- He was 97…they don’t live much beyond that.
- Killer Dwarfs …thanks Terry.
- Are we eating Angus…don’t worry about Angus…you just eat your bowl of meat Glenn.
- So he loves rockets…is his name really Glenn? or is he named after the restaurant
- Heavy Metal dialogue….lip sync The Dark Book album.
- Convenient …Terry has the one album that explains it all.
- Who keeps a bag of garlic hanging in the kitchen.
- Woo…dropped the F bomb.
- Stupid Al…I’ll just launch this rocket I was going to give you.
- “Sorry Glenn…you got Demons ” – Terry
- The old gods…those are the demons.
- Terry is insane anyways…he doesn’t even have sheets on his bed.
- The hole. The Geode. The Levitation. THE SACRIFICE! …and straight into the hole you go Angus.
- The Gate is just cracked open
- This album has it all…even back masking to close the gate.
- We accidentally summoned demons..but don’t worry…we got it…we used the album.
- awww…Al..you’re back…No beach…just good quality family time.
- 2 human sacrifices!
- “Demons aren’t going to ring the doorbell.”
- Suck my nose until my head caves in…foreshadowing.
- But if Terry is behind us…then who is in the bed? eek
- Scariest part of this movie is the 80s hair
- Everything catches fire
- what now…THE BIBLE
- They need 2 human sacrifices
- Relax…I’m gonna read the last verse.
- Terry just threw the bible in there like some kind of holy hand grenade
- Don’t jump on the gate! are you insane
- She put the boom in boom box
- They keep reconstituting into some kind of demon Voltron
- If it requires 2 D cell batteries we are all dead
- Happy Birthday Al
- That may be the best flipping I have ever seen in a movie
- and nobody else in town even noticed.
- Al will never be allowed to babysit again
- Wait. Angus is alive!?
and now the final thoughts of a fat guy in a trailer park as he reflects on his life:
“Well Fat Stuff…this is it. It’s Miller time for the last time. But no need to get broke up about it…I mean just look around you Fatso Gribbens…what a beautiful life you have lived… albeit too short and perhaps a little too fat.
So, Goodbye topless Mermaid statuette I won at the county fair popping balloons in 84. See ya, Iron Madden mini poster I won at the county fair tossing rings in 86. I’ll catch you on the flippy floppy prize winning miniature fatso cow I kissed at the county fair in 87. I’ll miss your face the most but I will carry our love into the afterlife like a burning torch to light my way”
Locooooo….Loocoooo… Hey, Bury me in the backyard with my Bullshit hat or don’t bury me at all.
Creepshow 2 (1987) – Like a War Chief without paint on a dry day. That’s a scalping. or I fought the lake but the blob won. Thanks for the ride lady.
- I mean…what is it
- One more step and BLAM
- oh nowhere…just a sleepy town in Maine
- Comet news agency driven by The Creep.
- This feels like King so far
- Oh Billy…you are such a junkie
- Hot off the presses
- It turned into a toon!
- I loved horror comics when I was a kid.
- What is up with Horror Hosts and puns
- Drinking Jimmy’s Cracked Corn
- A warchief without war paint is like…
- more than 30 years of standing
- what do you want me to do Martha
- This store has….
- Meanwhile, down at the town of Dead River…Ray…everything has moved away
- This is the saddest TV music you will ever hear
- Do you need to wear an apron over your overhauls?
- haha…could you pull us around to the next store…sputter sputter clutch sputter
- Chief say Ya-Ta-Hey
- Do you guys always check the time when there is a wall clock in a scene? 3:13PM
- “I am ashamed to stand inside this place when my people are so much in your debt, Ray Spruce owner of the General Store in Dead River and keeper of the Wooden War Chief.”
- The Jachimba…
- Dude…this is a general store…not a pawn shop
- Eilene is your forever after 2 autumns
- It is a bad thing to borrow…it is a worse thing to beg
- Good Afternoon Martha Spruce
- Chief Woodenhead has been waiting for this moment
- and now it is dark inside and 4:30…that was a long talk
- …no shove this in his mouth…he big…
- Native American Sam in a photo booth dreaming about being a hollywood star and the millions of women who want to run his hair through their legs.
- Took him 9 years to grow this hair…what you think I’m not serious…9 years…I’m not just goofing around here.
- Do you know that movie…where the guy…
- one more step and Blam
- Oh shit…you done shot Martha in the side
- cool…throwing up
- “Let’s go fat stuff…we got some money that needs spending.”
- “we’re going to Hollywood, Fats.”
- I am Native American Groot
- Abs of wood
- hell..it’s Miller time…it’s always Miller time down at the Trailer Park
- fat stuff and his prize winning cow.
- Oh no…my life is flashing before my eyes and all I see is a my shitty trailer memorabilia
- Iron Maiden Artwork…check
- Leather Chic on a bike…check
- Mermaid boobies…check
- Black and white Hustler Pin Up…check
- Miller cans…check and check
- Prize winning cow pic…check
- and this bullshit cap..check a roo and guitar riff
- Geez how long is he going to call Loco
- Everybody is wanting Poncho
- haha…yes Poncho…Loco has more sense than you have
- Cisco is everywhere!
- Ironical…got him by his hair-sticals
- Oh..that’s a scalping
- So did uncle set up the old folks…cleared the debt….killed his slacker nephew and recovered the tribes treasure…How indeed.
- Creepshow is not a Funny Paper!
- I feel the need…the need for weed…now…pass the joint..pass the joint
- The Raft…it will be there
- a lot of Poncho references that I don’t get in this movie
- Z28…yellow…he like yellow
- Horlicks University
- Deke has a speedo and a coin purse?
- The water was actually cold enough to almost give the actor who played Randy, hypothermia
- “Too damn cold to get laid..”
- Zeke is a singer of things
- Laverne is not a strong swimmer
- I don’t believe in Oil Slicks
- have you ever seen an oil slick…well..have you.
- Damnit Rachel…you don’t make no sense…first you are annoyed with everyone and won’t smoke…then you go looking for a smoke…and then you rub the “oil slick” and now you are dead
- a puke per segment.
- Come on your read all the science books…brainball
- pretty sure Deke don’t bend that way….
- That must be a DieHard Battery in Dead Deke’s car…radio is still playing
- haha…oh Randy…you are such a Creep
- You really put the Randy in Randy
- You are such a dumbass Randy
- Well Swimmers…that’s a lawsuit
- Hitchiker…bed frame IT copy
- You charge by the orgasm? $160
- selling your body for a Mercedes
- Annie is a bit of a hot mess
- I was headed to Dover…now I’m dead
- Run Annie…Run
- Was this before or after Stephen King got hit? Happens all the time
- Think rationally Annie…can you live with this?
- “You’re seeing things bitch…you can’t live with it”
- This Mercedes has too many points of entry!
- Thanks for the ride lady!
- She’s trying to swipe him off like some kind of thicket car wash
- low bridge
- Why does she keep stopping..
- He’s like some kind of immortal hitchhiker
- Annie used the ole shoot and kick
- I beat you…I got you…
- Jesus…take the wheel…I am not doing my best driving
- She’s willing to give the hitchhiker $50…is that $25 per orgasm?
- They eat meat! Billy and his FlyTraps
Sorry guys. I’m a bit under the weather. It seems I left my window open all night and I have caught a cold.
Now if you could hold on a second. I can’t seem to locate my show notes for today and I know I filed them somewhere between Con Air and National Treasure but I can’t seem to locate then. Hmmm..if only I had a 30 something secretary with sexy ankles and shoulder pads who still lives at home with her mom and middle aged brute of a bother I’m sure I could find it.
Uh oh…it seems a bat has flow in the window..shoo shoo.
I’ll just take care of that later….great…now I’m frustrated, drunk and horny. What? You guys aren’t still drunk from Saturday night at Ibbott’s house? (Shutup, I know you are Randy)… but c’mon how did you get through this week’s movie without having someone drive a pallet stake trough your heart? Fine, How about Horny then? Just me? alright..whatever you got to tell yourself to crawl under your leather couch at night.
Ahh there it is…it was under Movies that became Memes. You don’t say! Now if you will excuse me…I have a bat to fondle.
Vampire’s Kiss (1988) – Like storming out of the greasy spoon and your vampire bite suddenly starts hurting…but it’s ok..cause there are dancing mimes outside your high rise apartment complex spitting and slapping each other. Were you not entertained!
- Is this a movie or a meme?
- The meme that made a movie
- I like this music!
- I just wanted her to get the hell of of there….says the yuppie to his therapist.
- He has commitment issues. Wants them badly and then rejects them
- Now he is at the funk-soul-jazz bar?
- What is this Fantastic 4 talk? the rubber man, fireball and the one made of big brown stones?
- He can’t go home with the girl from the telephone company.
- Eric D geist solv-smykker
- He is into Literature
- The things that poor stairs kid has seen.
- Randomly placed art and culture around his apartment
- Did I mention I love this music….love this music.
- Trying to make the sex attracts the bats.
- Shoo! Shoo!
- Well…I guess the bat lives there now.
- Alva…she does not like the no socks look.
- He’s into feet and ankles
- Street vendor is like…take your pepsi! Stop kissing and take your Pepsi!
- You were aroused..by the bat?
- Is he doing his Keanu…
- MORTAL KOMBAT WITH A BAT
- I will see you on Tuesday ya nut.
- Jennifer Beals gonna bite you…
- How can you see yourself to shave! You been bit by a vampire
- Diggy diggy diggy…bum bum bum…diggy diggy diggy…bum bum bum
- Do you like it? I got to take a piss.
- I am so out of here…See ya Museum of modern crap
- Hello, you have reached Peter…
- I was a little drunk..you know..plus I was horny…yeah that is it
- Leaving the grease hole and your vampire bite starts hurting…but it’s ok..cause there were dancing mimes outside your high rise apartment complex spitting and slapping each other
- Alva’s got a gun
- Do not leave notes for Peter.
- Does Peter cry wolf?
- Stop singing and shaking your change cup at me Subway singer
- Misfiled! Don’t even say that…who…who did this misfile? I can’t not accept that!
- A,B,C,D,E,F,G…Alphabetic order
- I’ve never misfiled anything…not once!
- …and you call yourself a psychiatrist
- The problem with crazy people is…they don’t act crazy most of the time.
- Mescaline…what is that?
- Lowest on the totem Pole Alva
- Don’t you want to use your gun Alva?
- So he is basically pleasing himself everyday
- The Friday morning rant of an office worker. Talking to no-one
- oh no..he got Alva’s address
- Alva has a lot of those dresses.
- …it never just goes away.
- Poor Alva …no one believes her.
- I hate when I am having a freak out in the bathroom and someone is trying to take a dump
- Can’t afford the $20 dollar teeth…but paid $50 for a taxi
- That is a lot of pigeons
- Makeshift Leather Couch Coffin
- Meanwhile down at the warehouse rave…dancing bra straps
- Cage doing his best dime store Nosferatu
- why are you acting so Cagey
- I am like you. you are with me.
- Spitting…so the mime’s reflect the violence in his head
- Who the hell is Donald? the therapists husband?
- You breaking up with me….after I sucked that broad bone dry
- We all feel like a vampire when we see the sun after a night of partying
- More Loews than a New York phone book
- My girlfriend broke up with me. I’m a Vampire. Kill me
- Disco Death? no…Ravage Rave
- So is the Therapist real?
- Holy shit I will be happy
- Sharon in the waiting room
- Dr. Love
- rape…no… id release
- this is my plank
- Plank me, oh plank you
Dmitri! Answer the phone. ok….I’ll get it then..ya lazy Russian bum. Uh oh. It’s an out of area call…but I should still probably answer it…it could be our manly leader on vacation and he may lost another shirt. But just to be safe…I am going to use phone answering protocol number 2.
Hello, Taco Bell of Moscow…how may we perforate your colon today? (pause) Oh hi Harry, oh yes this is FSB…my accent? I dropped it…I’m working the spy game now…gotta sound American. So what can I do for you Harry?
Qasim’s wife? yeah she is here. Can we return her to you? You mean like…today? Because today is no good..and I’m pretty busy next week…in fact my whole month is booked up. (Right…uh huh uh huh) So today then? OK. Say, just a hypothetical question…does she need to be alive? Right…Right…no…I totally understand…no…she is fine…just like when you dropped her off…totally fine. Not a scratch on her.
Listen…I got to go…Dmitri is choking on a chicken bone. Alright, See you then Harry. Say hi to Hagrid for me…alright bye.
Dmitri!…get a shovel…we got some digging to do. Hmm…that’s odd…I don’t remember writing Pull on my hand.
Spooks: The Greater Good aka MI-5 (2015) – but what about Vass’ cat in room 58….I watched all the way through the credits…nothing…. but what about the cat.
- Is this Mission Impossible knock off? Nope…TV series…MI-5 is the American Marketing machine
- What we hoped it would be….Knockoff of Mission Impossible w/ Tom Cruise but with Kit Harington….what we got…a TV series sized movie based on Spooks.
- Saban Films as in…PowerRangers? Why you bring this international trash to our shores!
- Meanwhile, London.
- This very much reminds me of X-Files movie…TV gone big
- I spy with my little eye…something wet…rain?
- Meanwhile down London Control…Traffic Control is not doing their jorb!
- I feel like I should know what is going on…but I am not
- The local cops pulled our chopper!!
- Harry…it’s hard for me to not hear Harry Potter when a Londoner says Harry
- Beginning with…Motor bikes
- I am not talking to you …I am talking to the CCTV
- Ohhh…the American’s are going to be so mad
- You do not negotiate with Terrorist…but we do!
- Crazy Eyes!…I’m looking at your CCTV!
- He will not let June (Jude) use her gun…no June
- I can run as fast as you can motorbike
- Ed should have waited…CIA is shot…
- Finally…she got to shoot…2 shots…and she’s out
- Hey…the American’s like Kit Harington..let’s put him in this film adaptation of the TV series
- Harry is pulling out flowers and she is putting down flowers
- uh oh…haha…c’mon Harry…that bridge is not high enough to kill you. Maybe high enough to make you sorry you jumped.
- Oh…Harry will be back
- Running from the Russians.
- Bland movie is bland
- Liver and Onions
- Meat Pie
- Ruth Evershed…that sounds like a reference to someone in the TV show that I have no clue about
- The bird gave it away
- 3 encrypted phone calls
- You and Harry ever talk about Berlin…when your father died…I bet that was in the TV show as well
- Mace is a dick head
- Find Harry….and you can ask him about Berlin yourself
- ohhh…Southern England
- Harry is promising more than he can deliver..
- She doesn’t need a hospital…she needs mercy.
- No Harry…don’t shoot her there!
- Hey Erin is a major character from the TV Series…they just going to kill her
- This postcard has 2 levels! nope…just messed up my postcard
- Hannah always go with a gun. You go with gun too
- Wear this white hoodie and carry this envelope….220.127.116.11
- It’s 12:34!
- Run…Run…Sprint…Drama Drama…Sprint…Glasgow…
- Can you run like Tom Cruise? no? you run like a man…ok ok…you are hired
- Holloway…do not go dark
- The drunk, the mad and the dead…off the table? no way man
- There is a mole!
- What happened in Berlin?
- If he went dark…why does he have a phone?
- Harry used to stop by twice a year for a lecture and a diddling
- Pop my collar…no one will find me now
- Everyone gets mad about “You let him get away!!”
- That van is an uncomfortable pink
- I’m just going to walk this way a bit and…RUN AS FAST AS I CAN AND PARKOUR OVER MY CAR and into this house…GUN!
- June thinks Rob Vass (partner) may be dirty.
- Room 58 has a kitty…Rob likes his fuzzy kitty…he also has a lot of files and neat trash.
- W78 Account prefix…that is Panama City!!
- Souvenir…a loaded gun
- Thames house…who is Thame? I kid…I kid.
- Stupid June…why you get sucker punched.
- Duuude…Rob has a big punch…put Kit through the plaster
- He’s Dead…we can check his pulse.
- June was all hot to shoot someone…till she shot Rob…and then she is all like…maybe he is ok.
- oh man…Francis met a bad end
- See my pin of my explosive vest…
- bladder punch Harry?
- Kit and his Man Bun
- Harry has to protect the MI-5
- Hey…a low security PC at a high security Facility. Let’s hack it!
- Meanwhile, down at the Internet Cafe…look at the neon!! Harry has a old guy in a hat.
- This machine is pre-millennial. in 2015!
- You can do good…or you can do well.
- Sorry Will…yeah…that’s an angle…you going to have to punch Harry real hard in the penis
- Will’s mom has not done well since Will’s dad’s death.
- Finally, can I drink the water? uh oh…it’s spiked!
- Poor ole Will…Harry is a jerk face
- Let’s make phone bombs! Let’s have a whole warehouse of phone bombs!
- Will is a prisoner…
- “Hey, why did I write pull on my hand? I don’t remember doing that…ooooh”
- Will not good enough…but good enough to escape custody. Thanks June! He kept quiet about Vass…so June helped him out
- Meanwhile in Russia…uh oh…
- There ain’t nothing on that drive…Harry is playing you for a chump…chump
- Harry is better than all of them…playing them against each other
- June is a traitor? Nooo…Dangit Vass…
- They didn’t promise anything…she just killed Rob cause they told her…even though she knew he wasn’t dirty
- haha…Harry is convincing
- Harry set all of this up to spend some quality training time with Will…he promised Will’s dad/mom he would keep him safe.
- haha…Hasim’s wife is dead…for how long? They dig her up and brought here in the trunk.
- When someone asks you to return their stuff…but you done broke it weeks earlier…you don’t bring that broke ass shit and show it to them and go…sorry. and then you put someone elses clothes on it…take some pictures and say it’s fine…it’s fine.
- I’ll tell your whore you said goodbye
- was it quick? 2 to the heart One for each of you…your mom and you
- “anything?” “not a sausage.” is that a saying?
- What a crappy sniper…you don’t shoot her in the chest…the head…always the head…also, don’t get me started on the velocity of the bullet
- Qasim…My wife is dead…and so is my brother.
- Nice…somebody left Harry a suicide pill?
- Oh Harry…what would Ruth think of what you have done.
- Man these people are master manipulators
- Good thing Harry set a mind bomb in Will’s head…set to go off exactly when it was needed…oooh…Southwest Corner!
- How did you make a choice like that? It’s my job
- one week later…posioned
- Who can tell the best lie…longest
- So his plan is to leave her there with her niece while she bleeds out her arse!
- Is that what got his dad killed? Wearing his wedding ring…because of Will
- Will was not even born yet when his father died.