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INTRO
Oh hi,
and now the final thoughts of a deer crossing a snowy road on Christmas Eve.
You know what…I think I could totally be a reindeer. Those guys have it made. Oh Man…I wish…I mean working only one day a year and then just hanging out with short pointy eared humans the rest of the time and eating cookies and…. hey…what’s that! It’s so bright…is that the sun? I thought it was like almost midnight. Well you know what? I think I will just stop right here in the middle of the road and enjoy this unexpected miracle sunrise….oh shit! What’s happening! I’m in the air! Did my Christmas Wish come true! Am I reindeer!? Look at me momma deer! I’m flying! Odd…why does flying hurt so much!? Perhaps if I flail and kick about really hard I can gain some altitude…nope…here comes the ground. ouch. Life is pain.
Well this is unfortunate. Perhaps the dream of being a reindeer was oversold by the deer media. Merry Freaking Christmas to me. Oh deer, I am pretty sure I broke every bone in my body. Hey, a human angel with flashing earlobes approaches. Perhaps she will heal me with her magical heal-y powers…nope…neck broken. Merry Christmas to all and to all a long kiss my ass goodnight.
No animals were harmed in the making of this intro. However, Earl dead.
LINKS
The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996) – Like an intense episode of Who’s the Father on Maury. Timothy…you …are…TOTALLY THE FATHER….look at them eyes…you’ll die screaming.
SHOW NOTES
- Mystery opening montage with flashing clues…girl name? Locations
- Elvis! Christmas time parade
- Mrs Clause is hot! and Santa is drunk
- Samantha King (kane or king)
- A key on her charm bracelet
- 8 years ago…2 months pregnant
- Focal Retrograde Amnesia
- We named the teddy bear Mr. Perkins
- She’s got amnesia..too weird.
- Genna Davis has a great smile.
- Ugly Sweater Contest
- May the best of your past be the worst of your future.
- I used to hire the expensive detectives
- ahhh “She Kissed her goodnight” the woman she was. A long kiss
- you make an ass out of “u” and umption? ass out of u and me? what does that mean anyways?
- I can see from your choice here you are not a wealthy man.
- A detective scam artist on the side
- Why is Santa Earl so drunk.
- Man…she can’t catch a break…Amnesia and now runs into a dear and kills Earl
- snap that deer neck and take a dead deer nap
- Santa really got what he wanted.
- That is one angry inmate
- Hell-raiser nightmare
- My name is Charlie and I smoke and I got slicked back blonde hair.
- She is dangerous with that knife. Fire up the saxophone..and chop up some stuff. and…nope…Chef’s do that.
- One Eye’d Jack is out.
- Life is pain…now skate you little shit…get used to that fractured wrist
- That is some terrible caroling…ahh…by gunpoint!
- Ha! Home alone fall..
- holy hell…what kind of gun is that. Blowing holes in the wall.
- I want my eye back bitch?
- so One-Eye Jack picked up his name after Genna poked it out…how the crap did he recognize her in that tv prison in a prison TV with one good eye?
- What the hell was in that pie?
- Chef’s do that?
- Throw the kid out of the house.
- Hubby didn’t stand a chance
- Trained in counter assassination.
- Can you say healthcare? You spent our funding on healthcare!!
- ahh..tit talk with Geena and Samuel
- The long kiss goodnight is about the dog licking his ass
- I sing the things I do so I don’t forget them. Dun dun dun dun dun
- Oh Phoey I burned the muffins…what up with that
- Put that gun together gump
- Take your money…I’m out…now give me my money
- dun dun dun dun…put my keys in my left pocket….put my gun in the right.
- a million one liners
- Your father was Royal Ranger. It’s a lot of info.
- haha…you thinking what I’m thinking…I hope not…I’m thinking my balls are hurting.
- Your daughter Cat-Head?
- That’s a duck not a dick.
- Who are you William Shatner?
- Take a deep breath…we are going to do the torture thing.
- Davis plays both the damsel and hero
- You can’t drown Charlie.
- Gross…don’t depants dead dude for a crotch gun.
- Poor naked Jackson in a hole.
- Blondie Davis
- Deflowering virgins…distract from the pain
- Daniel pee’ing himself…gross?
- The Kitty Cat – Bad Hair Day.
- Do you have any idea how long it takes to put on ice skates.
- He’s got the kid!
- Time to use the phone company
- Niagara Falls…Operation Honeymoon.
- I am not a complete Ogre! Here is a stupid doll this kid is too old for.
- Should have called it operation Elf Drop
- This is the last time I will be pretty
- Candle in the window…
- What the crap was that for?
- Molotov Doll
- Budget Cuts…I had to recruit the bad guys.
- Oh shit. They are my eyes!
- We are going to take a nap together…a really cold nap.
- You are going to die screamng…called it.
- Geez…classic henchman mistake….leave someone to die in an elaborate way….we ain’t got time to watch you die.
- Good thing Macgyver had a plan. Gas Baby Pee Pee Pants.
- Gimmie that spark!
- Mommy…do you need a match?
- Genna be snapping necks.
- Kids do the stupidest things
- Dangit Mitch..
- Not the best plan.
- He has a gun. He has a knife. Gun…Knife
- He has to die screaming.
- He died…nope…he did scream though
- Caitlin is running….
- Life is pain…get used to it….get to moving. You ain’t dead.
- So dramatic
- This is the most walking dead heroes shit I have seen. All of these people should be dead…and they look dead too
- Burning man
- Geez…how much did that guy weigh
- They are headed for the border!
- ha…this has turned into a disaster movie
- Thelma and Louis.
INTRO
Oh hi,
International Double Crossing, Murder and Mayhem hotline, how may we help you heap cold dishes of revenge upon your enemies sometime in the distant future after some elaborate possibly unnecessary scheming that involves plastic surgery, betrayal and ninjas….today? oh man…we really need to shorter our corporate phone greeting. Hello, are you there?
Right. Uh huh. Sure, we just happen to have a guy that specializes in heisting horse dolls made of gold. Oh sorry, horsey action figures. How much? Well, in addition to the base cost of your eternal soul and happiness we will be needing payment in the form of briefcases full of cash with whatever weird ass twist of a tip of your choosing.
What do I suggest as a good tip? Well, tell me what you have in mind and I’ll give you some feedback. Right…uh huh…sure…sure…I see what you are going for there. But in addition to having it delivered by a lady in a black dress…how about she says “Here’s your money honey” drops the briefcase and then strips down to her itty bitty bottoms, turns and walks away never to be seen or heard from again. Oh yeah..I like that…it sounds totally unnecessary and we love that shit around here. Ok, I think I have everything we need here. Talk to you in 3 years. Bye
Oh man…what an exciting phone call. phew…time to address my oral fixation..Smoke ’em if you got ’em!
LINKS
War (2007) – Like
SHOW NOTES
- Bloody Violence!
- That was fast…Does Jenny know? Cigarettes!
- It is your oral fixation…
- shot gun credits
- 462 days of no lost time?
- Oh..they are in a serious situation…not just a couple of guys at a bus stop.
- Quick cuts are us.
- I am Jason Stathom…and I see things.
- FBI…nooo…back up is on the way Tom
- Geez is this a Woo film? woooo
- Man in the shadows is ninja gunman.
- Even in the light he is in the shadows
- Took one to the face…I got him.
- Triads…Yakuza…and so forth…bullshit story…Rogue is a phantom…
- Foreshadowing…you never know who is working for whom…
- Drinking and driving?
- Game day…don’t forget the steaks. He forgot the steaks…it happened that one time again. He forgot the stakes of working for the FBI as well
- Oh man…the Rogue really took that face shooting personal. Shot him in the face..and then made him watch him kill his wife and kids first and then burnt the house down. Geez Rogue Phantom
- The rogue is roguish except for the titanium bullet shells…that he just leaves like a calling card.
- 3 years later…San Fran..
- Black Light Boobies and Butt…hey hey hey hey…uh huh huh.
- Killed them guards with his creadit card…platinum
- Sure are a lot of skinny butt ladies in this movie
- send in the dobermans. ohno!!
- Tattoos for shirts.
- Rogue is merciless…killed that poor doge with a bomb
- Do you know what Shiro does to traitors…that’s right…bang to the head.
- Yakuza…rings are kills.
- The old thumb in the bullet hole wound.
- Cop is my day job…doctor is my other job.
- Rogue cost him his marriage…that is a good thing.
- D.U. bullets
- The Rogue cuts his face every 6 months…that is a lot of plastic surgery. What is the average recovery time for that…geez.
- Shiro (Yakuza) killed Chang’s Family (Triads) and sold all of his shit except 2 statuettes that he is trying to sell currently. The Rogue was working for the Yakuza…maybe no so much now.
- He doesn’t care about ancient feuds…
- Closet full of black
- 7412…terrible code.
- That’s my wife Maria…she is not a horse
- These two are the Ti brothers…
- Careful…don’t leave your ear unguarded
- So did he get his ear reattached? or will that guy be our chick in the bucket
- Don’t fail me daughter
- Meanwhile, in Chinatown
- No Benny’s here…wrong answer.
- Interpol is down in ChinaTown.
- Plastic surgeons dropping like loose skin off an old person
- The horses are not real horses…they are cars? ohhh…that is all a ruse
- This music is pretty generic…sound machine.
- Never pay your extortion money up front.
- Oh…they are horses…DON’T TOUCH THE HORSES Ti!
- Ok…I want your to take the guy his money…and then take off your tiny black dress and walk away. You did great!
- Sniper gun down the ventilation shaft…out of sight out of mind.
- Agent Wick says “Hold on Motherf’er”…this mofo is out
- Which way down is faster…this way!
- Your stupidity insults my father
- 14 hour flight…need me a salad…chef salad…no blue cheese punk
- Pain, Rage Loneliness.
- Warehouse 16…you know the one
- The eyes…the one thing the surgeons can’t change…but a pair of color contacts and some make up could.
- “You will find only pain living in the past.”
- What a 2007 looking hone.
- I am still having trouble trying to figure out if the horses are an alliteration or not and if so…for what.
- “Chasing Ghosts” that would have been a better movie title.
- I don’t think you should be angry shooting at paper targets
- Rogue has a thing for Maria?
- Now you see my gun…now you don’t
- What! I just realized that is Catalina from My Name is Earl
- Triads hanging out at the local pizza and beer joint being angry.
- Sure…I could hit you with a stick…but a burning stick!! Yeah!
- Rogue just stirring up shit…so he can chase down the younger Joey Ti brother.
- Tube fight! Tubes!
- Uh oh…the Rookie is so dead.
- Chang can not be shook. That is how he survives
- Some strong smoking message here?
- Spyker vroom.
- “Now that is some spicy tuna…” hahaha jokes!
- Stathom muscle car. All beef. Rogue is all class
- oh no…not the muscle car!
- Goi is right there! He ain’t the shooter!
- This take down is going bad
- Things I learned…don’t kill Stathom’s partners…he don’t like it.
- “In Japan…you would be dead”
- Jet Li’s “Eat Shit While Driving” is a lot of fun.
- Stathom is all beef and anger
- his name is Wu Ti – WOOOOTEEE
- Rogue is still working for Shiro
- That’s the order…there is no why
- “I have no master”
- He just ghost knifed ya…his other job is street magician.
- he used to work for the CIA commissions to do surgery
- Fate…choices…
- If Rogue is in here…then who is the ninja outside!
- Wu Ti doesn’t know about the gun under the desk.
- Haha…poor Wu Ti…he took a lot of bullets
- Never a good sign when a ninja is running away
- You never leave the children to live after you kill their dad! That is classic for a revenge story 20 years later.
- Rogue is a myth…a rumor.
- Rogue does all the smooth things but forgets about FBI surveillance?
- I got this one bullet that I worship…
- Now it is time for your reward…that’s right…
- See he gets it…remove all future threats.
- “Angry face” and ” who gives a shit face”
- You just knew them horses were going to be fake.
- Too slow Rogue
- You ordered the hit
- I ordered many hits. I ordered the greatest hits.
- You always leave the wife and daughter alone.
- Ha! …Double Ha! Great ending
- Tom Lone. Changing your face…Your voice…
- Pain can be a weapon if you choose.
- Crawford is the bad guy!
- What what what! Unpossible
- What’s in the box? Whats in the boooox?
- Why wouldn’t he recognize his partners eyes?
- Jet Li talks funny when he is being choked.
- Twisty Twist Twist…is he dead! oh come on.
INTRO
oh hi,
and oh yeah it’s true…the great splicer spliced me with bad movies so I could find joy in even the crappiest of films..films where people with more sense might just toss their popcorn and leave. I know, I know time is the most precious commodity in the universe but here I am every week sucking on rotten tomatoes for hours at a time and proclaiming them to be the best the universe has to offer. Maybe it’s in my genes.
Take this week’s movie for instance…it has a flying jet-booted test-tube dog-man from space skyjacking spindly occasionally-visible always-naked roswell grays from the skies over Chicago for close to 10 minutes straight…well you may think…nah…I’d rather be cleaning the toilet…well I thought…woah! who’s got time to clean the toilet…pass me the popcorn…but hey wash your hands first ya
Also, who in their right mind would ever splice an elephant to make a starship pilot…he would be trumpeting all over the place…I don’t need that kind of drama on my bridge or in the non-existent starship toilet room… Phhhhttlll … Congratulations and my deepest condolences on your bowel movement Mr. Elephant Man.
LINKS
Jupiter Ascending (2015) – Please make Sean Bean a Bee so he can fly far far away from this movie. Sean Bee! Dangit Scott…You know what…I am just going to give it to Gleb’s crew.
SHOW NOTES
- Is this that alien movie
- Part Nudity…oh no..Magic Mikes
- Technically Speaking…I’m an alien
- That is a lot of baby belly…Vasoline!
- Over my dead body…name her Jupiter…she dead
- Jupiter is THE planet
- That was a pretty fast home invasion
- Born in the House of Leo
- gross she pushed me out too…on a container…in the ocean.
- Born in the house of Leo
- Stalin’s Frozen Balls!
- The problem with Astrology…total bullshit
- She cleaning for a living. and it’s always toilets.
- Have you ever seen a harvest? Quite humane..
- Planetary Marbles…earth worth the most..trade ya
- U-Pah-Tur
- Uh oh..she hates her life…that means the Planet gods are going to come and make it better by Harvesting her.
- Lyncancant…Skyjacker…the boots.
- Bounty Hunters…with cloaking tech
- Let me sniff this legal paper…yep…I can see the past.
- Jet boots….time to fire ’em up.
- Hover board boots…speeder bikes…all the cool future tech
- “Do you trust me?” no
- Jupiter’s Storm is a city.
- Valem likes to fly naked.
- It’s the rat people.
- We have a name…the universe works just like investigation on earth
- Them some scary aliens
- I will give it to Gleb’s crew
- Harvesting Eggs..People on planets…queen eating eggs
- She is pretending to be someone else
- Spider monkey Aliens
- Only good news in here where I float around with the laughing ladies
- Wolf and Human made
- Keepers are scary
- Terrsies
- Flying jet booted test tube wolf man from space skyjacking naked spider monkey gray aliens
- His name is Caine Wise…like Canine…uh hu hu hu
- That is the biggest pad I have ever seen
- She is someone special..Jupiter
- Sean …he is already dead
- Is he spliced with bees
- I need some heal spray
- ha…Bees can detect royalty
- Trying to get Sean Bean his Wings
- She is a recurrence
- Vladie – Cousin bought a ton of electronics with his egg money
- He was born a runt and he has no pack…he is a lone wolf
- The splicer (creator) loved bees…that is why he is part bee
- Ouch Concussion gun
- Mr. Knight…the rat splice
- Abraxis is people
- Entering into the Genetic Age
- are you a vampire race?
- 14 thousand years old.
- Just a roller bladding shirtless spaceman.
- Time is the most precious community in the universe
- “In case I am reincarnated…I leave all my shit to me.”
- All you have to do is close your eyes to all the horror and you can have everything royal girl.
- Please call me Jupe…oh hi Stinger…what the hell am I talking about!
- Portaling can be rough on the royal bowels
- Headed to the hall of titles
- genomegineering
- Maybe it’s my genes.
- They already said Mom had terrible luck in love…still in the recurrence
- Clownfish ship
- Intergalactic Advocate Bob here to assist you to the ascension process.
- This is Revenue Request…not Revenue Review
- A hodgepodge of all the SciFi you can imagine
- Congratulations and my deepest condolences
- Nectar…they are like bees…space bees pollinating the galaxy and then harvesting
- 100 human beings per container
- OMG…that is a vile of 100 people you dropped!
- What! Will you marry me! But you are my child!
- Weird ass short armed T-Rex Soldiers with their weird arms.
- You better chase down those compressed space suits
- You don’t treat your cousin like chicken.
- A fairy tale in space!
- The classic…does anyone have anything to say before we wed these chumps.
- Jupiter Jones keeps making poor choices
- Having an elephant splice as a pilot is probably a bad idea if flying requires great effort…BLAAT
- Human Society is a pyramid scheme
- This guy is the Crispin Glover of space
- 2 royals falling…falling…royals don’t plummet to their death
- You told me you hated your life. I am not your mother!!
- U-Pit-Tur…get up and make the coffee
- Half Wolf-Half Man-Half Winged Beast
INTRO
Oh hi,
oh oh uh oh..it looks like someone has been messing with my 80s Big Bird Magic Slate board that I use or my show notes. I know. I know. it’s risky to keep something so important on something designed to be reused over and over again. But I do love the sound of peeling back the acetate sheet from the slate as the words are ripped from the page and the comfort in knowing that everything I write about Scott can easily be erased from existence with a simple flick of the wrist. Scott is a poopy head…rip! Scott smells like a poop…! BTW most of my Scott insults are poop related…But he will never know…RIP!
Anywho, Perhaps my Magic Slate board is trying to tell me something. Aca-Kuto-Alla-Eta…hmmm…that’s just nonsense. Rip! Alright, I guess I’m winging my intro this week.
oh hi,
This week on Filmsack we are opening “the gate” to pure 80s horror in this low budget film by Hungarian director Tibor Taka…Whaaaaat in the fresh hell is that..
Hey little demon minion..may I assist you on your travels? Oh I see. Yes…I believe you are looking for the Johnson residence. oooh ooh ooh ok. Yes…Utah…right…Here, I’ll just write down the address on my backup Magic Slate featuring Kermit the Frog…..I know…you minion guys love these things..now hold still.. Oh…just let me clear this first slate real quick..Scott eats poop. Rip!
Good hunting my tiny demon assistant friend.
LINKS
The Gate (1987) – “Demons aren’t going to ring the doorbell Glenn…Well apparently they do Al. Now throw that bible into the hole like some kind of holy hand grenade. Somebody get this dog a beer.
SHOW NOTES
- Who sponsored this kids jacket…everyone!
- Typical 80s suburbia
- Kid home alone…nothing scarier
- No Pleasure…It stinks…no pleasure MTV video
- That is a big hunk of red meat.
- Momma doll…up in the tree house. I had a tree house.
- From dusk to dark in the matter of minutes.
- Chainsaws are the worst to be awaken by.
- It was just a nightmare. or was it.
- That tree laid an egg. Geode..
- How much can you get for a big one…geode.
- Like worst fear as a kid while digging.
- The size of that splinter! Don’t bleed in the old gods demon hole!
- Look at the size of the geode
- Alexandra..don’t call me Al. Al is all grown up…no time for little brother.
- Ever since I burn a hole in the roof…dad won’t let me shoot any rockets.
- Demon Moths!
- dammit Glenn..this hole is getting worse
- 3 whole days.
- If Terry jumped off a bridge…sure…Terry has great jumping skills
- Grounded for digging holes!
- Dad made Glenn cover the hole and then is grounded.
- Terry’s Mom died last year and is weird now.
- There is a construction guy possibly buried in the walls
- Why did I bring these demon moths into my room! That’s cruel…and now they are dead.
- Give the dog his pills…and no parties…PARTY!
- “Somebody get this dog a beer.”
- No one has ever had a house party while their parents leave for the weekend.
- This dang Geode will not split.
- Glenn Power this geode.
- The dog is 97
- Don’t read the words ! What the hell is wrong with you kids
- This Ghostbusters sounding scary music during the scary
- “I believe it girl…” We made up stories to explain the extraordinary…I BELIEVE IT.
- Time to levitate
- Let’s see if we can levitate Glenn…c’mon Brad.
- One Asian Guy…One Black Guy…a collection of white kids from the 80s
- Dad is going to be so mad at me….first the roof.
- I believe girl is a witch…burn the witch!
- Stubblefield pants me too. I barfed on Steve Slavick.
- We are scared…we levitated Glenn.
- Do these pajamas make me look fat?
- No Terry! That ain’t your mom!
- Dammit…You killed Angus! Why Terry! You hugged to the death.
- He was 97…they don’t live much beyond that.
- Killer Dwarfs …thanks Terry.
- Are we eating Angus…don’t worry about Angus…you just eat your bowl of meat Glenn.
- So he loves rockets…is his name really Glenn? or is he named after the restaurant
- Heavy Metal dialogue….lip sync The Dark Book album.
- Convenient …Terry has the one album that explains it all.
- Who keeps a bag of garlic hanging in the kitchen.
- Woo…dropped the F bomb.
- Stupid Al…I’ll just launch this rocket I was going to give you.
- “Sorry Glenn…you got Demons ” – Terry
- Sacrifix!
- The old gods…those are the demons.
- Terry is insane anyways…he doesn’t even have sheets on his bed.
- The hole. The Geode. The Levitation. THE SACRIFICE! …and straight into the hole you go Angus.
- The Gate is just cracked open
- This album has it all…even back masking to close the gate.
- We accidentally summoned demons..but don’t worry…we got it…we used the album.
- awww…Al..you’re back…No beach…just good quality family time.
- 2 human sacrifices!
- “Demons aren’t going to ring the doorbell.”
- Suck my nose until my head caves in…foreshadowing.
- But if Terry is behind us…then who is in the bed? eek
- Scariest part of this movie is the 80s hair
- Everything catches fire
- what now…THE BIBLE
- They need 2 human sacrifices
- Relax…I’m gonna read the last verse.
- Terry just threw the bible in there like some kind of holy hand grenade
- Don’t jump on the gate! are you insane
- She put the boom in boom box
- They keep reconstituting into some kind of demon Voltron
- If it requires 2 D cell batteries we are all dead
- Happy Birthday Al
- That may be the best flipping I have ever seen in a movie
- and nobody else in town even noticed.
- Al will never be allowed to babysit again
- Wait. Angus is alive!?