Look, I’m just going to vamp out loud for a minute…vamp out loud…vamp’ing… alright, let’s see If I can understand this film..warning. I’m gonna use some air quotes.
“Eternal Vampire Teen;” LeStat is awakened from his “Sad Nap” when the suburban kids next door start a nu-metal band to piss off their parents. LeStat “tries out” for the band and lands “lead vocals.” Ow. Finger cramps.
LeStat finds some success as a rocker and “Taylor Swifts” (ow) his Vampire Family. (Now that’s a shaming!)
Meanwhile, “Grown ass” teenager, Jesse rebels against her strict orthodox parents by pursuing Bad Boy LeStat after she reads LeStat’s personal diary outlining his failures in love including a cringe worthy moment with his Egyptian Grandma and his subsequent loneliness. Jesse is all like… “I’m lonely too! You get me LeStat! Let’s run away together and live happily ever after!”
At this point I took my own “Sad Nap” and when I woke up Great Great Grandma Vampire was turning to dust which is what happens when you sleep with your Grandkids.
So I thought the movie was over…but apparently, LeStat still had to confront his girlfriend’s father figure to confess he gave Jesse VD. “Vampire Disease.”
But even that wasn’t the end because Lestat still wanted to make up for his misdeeds by delivering Jesse’s dad a Vampire “Life Partner”… who David had apparently been stalking through “Instagram” like painting which weren’t even a thing in 2002 so this whole theory is kind of falling apart at this point. Randy!
Queen of the Damned (2002) – Like a vampire with garlic breath. It’s a good start. Now give me my crown. Vampires and personal space.
Rated R for Vampire Sex and Violence
That is a serious 2002 credits font
This vampire narration is very emo….poor me…I got nobody…I think I will go into a deep depressive sleep.
Hey…is that angry NuMetal music? Time to get up and be dark and broody.
Time to get up and be a part of the new Rock Gods.
Ohh…a bayside snack
100 years of sleep. So the early 1900s were sad times for Vampires
Oh hi guys…I’m here for the vocal try outs…is this “Making the band?”
I’m a Vampire…you guys down with that? Hilarious right?
LeStat thinks these early 2000s anorexic band members are beautiful
Is this Static X or Korn? Sounds Kornish but also Static Xey
Looks like a smashing pumpkins video.
Not buying the LeStat Lipsync.
Is his band name The Vampire LeStat? That is a little on the nose.
Sex Blood and Rock and Roll…would have been a better name.
This band Manager…he is so Band Manager.
LeStat has a bit of a Brandon Lee vibe.
We need a TV with LeStat on a giant TV.
That reporter…did she take up LeStats offer?
Giving away all the Vampire Secrets…what Vampire Secrets are there?
Come Out, Come Out, whereever you are. Wait…he just said he doesn’t like to repeat himself.
Food Cable and Weed…for a little suck
This is LeStat’s house this weekend.
Why would the band manager not be able to see LeStat?
Mesh see through shirts.
Someone is really into Cheetah print. The first kill LeStat has is a guy wearing leather and Cheetah print. His House in England is Cheetah print.
We are so cold so cold.
Follow me ladies? Up the wall…onto the ceiling. and right on top of you!
LeStat misses his vampire buddies.
Jesse is an orphan…at a really cool orphanage! or scary.
Aunt Marrow is a Vampire! So is she staying at a Vampire orphanage? or was she given up? Is she a vampire spawn like Blade?
MTV NEWS! Were we still watching MTV News in 2002?
18th Century French Nobleman.
Redeemer is the song…let’s see if we can hear Vampire Secrets.
Jesse is reading “People Of Faith.”
Is there a Center For Paranormal Research? It’s a popular idea in movies.
The Admiral’s Arms….what will the Admiral do?
Warehouse, Meat Packing Plants…and wait for it….A Dance Club!
Jesse you are an apprentice! 12 Centuries…we observe and record….but then you come in…What will David say! DAVID!?
A Vampire Coven? is that what we call them? I know we say Witch Coven.
David has a medical skeleton dressed up in some old fancy garb.
In movies…Paintings are the same as photographs. See…her he is again…same guy..in different styles.
David has LeStat’s Journal!? Also, LeStat has a master!
It have been my experience that Vampires like to keep journals. Also, LeStat is an attention whore. Interview with a Vampire…Rock out with a Vampire.
Journal flashback! Marcus is a nobleman. A very Noble Man.
This is the vampire suck pose! It’s like catching a damsel who has fainted…or is it like a baptism.
Even if I thought I were dying….I doubt I would suck a dudes blood hole.
LeStat likey! Nom nom nom. am I doing it right. Oh…Vampire Cramps! Ow ow ow.
“Don’t be afraid. It’s only your body that dies.” – Marrius or Marcus
Feed me some more….
LeStat’s maker was impressed with his “thirst.”
Vampire Lore! Never drink the last bit of blood when your victim dies. That will suck you into the abyss.
That violin the girl is playing is the violin LeStat has when he goes to join the band. Which he doesn’t actually take in. No wait…it was the spare one the beach musicians’ had.
Oh he is doing the Devil Went Down to Georgia bit.
See LeStat…you kill everything you love.
That bow shot across the room like it was force pulled. It was.
The breathy voice said “My Son.” So is she the original vampire queen?
So does that make Marius the gatekeeper?
That LeStat will suck any arm put in front of him.
Marius is like…”I feel a great disturbance in the force.”
We are implying the origin of Vampires came about in Egyptian reign?
You drank the “Purest Blood From The Most Ancient Of Things.”
Nerd Data : https://vampirechronicles.wikia.com/wiki/Akasha
Enkil and Akasha sitting in a tomb. S – U – C – K -I – N – G First comes lust then comes blood
I’m with them! You can’t just sneak into a vampire club!
Vampires have flash eyes.
Vampire singing voices are weird.
Who invited Billy Corgan to be a Vampire? Well…I guess we always suspected.
“Well that makes you a very clever librarian…” – LeStat
Vampires really need to learn about personal space.
Meanwhile in Hollywood. Wolves and Vampires
LA has sucked all the blood from the young. What is a Vampire to do.
Who me? Nothing…let’s chillin in my coffin and listening some NuMetal.
Marius is still wearing his old fashion. or is he drinking old fashion?
The 50s and Red Velvet.
It’s been 200 years Marius!
Most gauche (goshe?) house
Let’s set up shop in front of my BillBoard crotch.
LeStat has a black little heart.
So did Akasha kill Enkil!?
Tower Records. Dead just like these Vampires.
Is LeStat a teenager in Vampire years? Marius is having to deal with his teenage Vampire son. That’s essentially what we are selling here right? and Akasha is Grandma? “I made all you bitches!” Also, she wants to marry her grandson.
Akasha is squirmy wormy. I like it…cause they could have easily went with a stripper thing…but they went with scary snake lady WHO IS GONNA EAT YOUR HEART!
This movie is 2000s but it feels like late 90s
Wow…so she has the ability to just spontaneously combusted your ass.
The bar destruction scene was kind of cool…with the music and all that.
LeStat…Vampires do not like lights shined on them.
“Better dead than alone.” – LeStat
Haha…Korn Cameo…Ticket Scalpers…Jonathan Davis
Talamasca…what did you call me?
Sure…return his journal. I wonder if he knows about Kinkos?
Jesse wants to be a vampire! She is the original Kristen Stewart.
Or did she know he could Spirit Walk her without having to turn her? Is that painful? when you are attached to your skin?
Superman moment. Let me be your hero!
awww…Vampires think we are beautiful because we are fragile.
Where did she hide that pin? Girl be trying to convince LeStat she is not Fragile…Boob slice!
LeStat shows up at the park and takes your human snack. What you gonna do? Run!
Death Valley…more like Mad Max’ville
Is this burning man?
I do like LeStat hungers more for attention than blood. But I do worry he has an eating disorder.
Vampire Staring Match! Go!
Who invited the Murlocks to the party?
I need a Vampire Hoody. They are like Sith
Jesse aint’ the brightest. She is scream the Bands name at the stage…like that is going to get his attention.
Haha…love Marius’ golfer clap on stage.
If the music stopped and a bunch of theatrics were going on on the stage…I would be pissed.
Oh…the crowd thought it was all a show until Vampire Ash Bags are flying overhead.
The secondary groups like The Paranormal Hunters and The Vampire Orphanage are way under represented.
Akasha likes Nu-Metal
uh oh…Akasha just gave LeStat the “Ain’t that cute.” Speech.
Oh man. I love this Deftone’s Song in the tub scene.
Careful. She’s a biter.
Shouldn’t she be purplish. Wouldn’t that be the equivalent of the really “white” bloodless European vampire. Or is she different because she is the Queen?
She came prepared with her nightgown.
So did the Aunt find Jesse after killing Jesse’s mom? oh…wait…she is really her great great great grandma? I don’t understand this relationship?
oooh…So she’s a daywalker! Now LeStat can be a day walker too? Is his color returning?
Akasha has been busy!
So…this movie is about a moody Teenage Vampire who starts his own band and gets into a toxic relationship with an older woman who gives him an ultimatum about his ex girlfriend.
Is that one kid LeStats son?
Humans are merely food!
Join me or die.
LeStat has just enough nipple hair to prove to me he has went through puberty.
This place cries blood and whispers.
I wonder what happened to LeStats shirt? Is that the Chick in a bucket?
“Now give me my crown” Suck my blood…gives me a crown.
No means No LeStat!
Vampires…do they fly? or just lunge?
I will burn you all!
I like that Caleb is getting the shoulder meat.
I wonder how Aaliyah felt about having all those people sucking on her. That would be really gross.
Auntie Vamp had to stop LeStat because LeStat has no sucking restraint. Maybe he is like an alcoholic.
Wait. I thought they were all supposed to die if she died.
Ohh…she took the last drop. Oops. Now she sleeps.
LeStat concert…Drugs in the water? Probably.
Haha….Now the story has turned into LeStat returning Jesse home pregnant to Daddy David.
David is too old to live forever. That’s a young man’s game. True love is a young man’s game?
Vampires move at a different speed. Sometimes Faster. Sometimes Slower.