Look, I’m just going to vamp out loud for a minute…vamp out loud…vamp’ing… alright, let’s see If I can understand this film..warning. I’m gonna use some air quotes.
“Eternal Vampire Teen;” LeStat is awakened from his “Sad Nap” when the suburban kids next door start a nu-metal band to piss off their parents. LeStat “tries out” for the band and lands “lead vocals.” Ow. Finger cramps.
LeStat finds some success as a rocker and “Taylor Swifts” (ow) his Vampire Family. (Now that’s a shaming!)
Meanwhile, “Grown ass” teenager, Jesse rebels against her strict orthodox parents by pursuing Bad Boy LeStat after she reads LeStat’s personal diary outlining his failures in love including a cringe worthy moment with his Egyptian Grandma and his subsequent loneliness. Jesse is all like… “I’m lonely too! You get me LeStat! Let’s run away together and live happily ever after!”
At this point I took my own “Sad Nap” and when I woke up Great Great Grandma Vampire was turning to dust which is what happens when you sleep with your Grandkids.
So I thought the movie was over…but apparently, LeStat still had to confront his girlfriend’s father figure to confess he gave Jesse VD. “Vampire Disease.”
But even that wasn’t the end because Lestat still wanted to make up for his misdeeds by delivering Jesse’s dad a Vampire “Life Partner”… who David had apparently been stalking through “Instagram” like painting which weren’t even a thing in 2002 so this whole theory is kind of falling apart at this point. Randy!