This week on Filmsack we roll our soup bowl back to the 1980s to have an archeo-logical, pre-world war 2 race with the Germans to reach a biblical treasure that everyone says doesn’t exist… all while avoiding being killed by the local inhabitants…oh…you’ve seen this one already? have you?…and everybody’s face melts at the end you say? Ha! You wish…nope…the only face melting happening here is when you try to boil your face-off in a pot of onion soup to escape that feeling you get when you ask your grandma to make you a movie starring Harrison Ford and she brings home Richard Chamberlain yelling “I’ve Got It!” Worst Catch Phrase for throwing explosives ever. I mean why not “It’s Dynooo-mite” as long as you are borrowing things why not borrow from the great Jimmy Walker. Ohhhh…that’s where you draw the line?…Ok Cannon Films. Buuut Brian…this movie is based on the 1885 novel and has a history that lasted up to the 1950s film that was much beloved by that generation … if anything that other movie stole from us… oh shutup …. you know what you did.
Anywho, I’m done having this imaginary argument that never happened. Now somebody fetch me Marian…I mean … Miss Huston and short round … aaaa … no…ummm … don’t tell me… UmmmBopopo … yeah that’s it…get that guy…and now we start our journey to the Mines of Moria … I mean the Boobs of Sheba! Rhys Davies? what are you doing here? Are you here to save me from Bad Dates? What? You’re the bad guy!
Aww screw it…Randy…Boil that pot of onions…I’m taking the easy way out.
1985 ‧ Adventure/Action ‧ 1h 40m
King Solomon’s Mines is a 1985 action adventure film, and a film adaptation of the 1885 novel of the same name by H. Rider Haggard. It stars Richard Chamberlain, Sharon Stone, Herbert Lom and John Rhys-Davies. It was produced by Cannon Films.
Rotten Tomatoes https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/1011639-king_solomons_mines
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King Solomon’s Mines (1985) – why are we going this way? The shortest distance between two points is a better movie series starring Harrison Ford. #boilmeinonions
- Who’s Mines! Oh…the King’s Mines.
- Cannon…that means quality.
- Close up of those nipples statue.
- Read the ladies lines.
- Bad Date…you will translate it now…and the map?
- Should have went out the other door… My door! Did the guy not know that the thing was going to crash the door?
- Big music!! Big sound.
- Rainbows and greens.
- Miss Huston…trust me…it’s a jungle out there…OMG…that was terrible…
- That way…which way we going…this way…but 2 points…straight line!!
- What does he mean shadow…what do you mean follow…but why… you tell me.
- Why do I always have to carry the sacks…these sacks are heavy…I want to be the white guy…
- UmBopo…I come.
- Tongola is not the most friendly place.
- Give me my horse whip…
- Turkish…you don’t like Wagner! Just smoke your hooka.
- German occupation of Africa…Eats braut and calls the Turkish man an imbecile.
- Mr. Stealth might need a new job.
- Quartermain! QUARTERMAIN!
- I hate that guy! He is a man of principle.
- Dogati!! For 100 bucks you can own one for life…you can always bargain.
- Meet the Mapaki…smack!! Don’t touch the groceries. Cannibals.
- To the House of ISIS.
- Swarmed by the local kids…yelling and invading my personal space.
- Abducted in rolled up Turkish rug… Sorry…wrong color.
- You get the horse whip! you rolled the talk right out of our rug.
- This is your father’s Indiana Jones.
- Rare Male Mummy…made of cat.
- House of the Isis…I am Kassam
- Uh oh…she is the daughter of the guy they kidnapped.
- Can’t you people take no for an answer….
- My Door….My Table…the fingers…and the faces.
- You cheap-suited camel jockey.
- Nose pinched…now it is coming back to me…thin tall man. (nose pinched)
- Not for sale? That is just not you Kassam.
- Rupert…I’ve been swindled!
- You towel headed creep! nooo. I’ve been swindled.
- I have a sick child…practically blind.
- She is violent with that statue..oh that is bad luck for me.
- The breasts of Sheba
- Bassam is unpredictable. Now he is dual wielding.
- Guns you shoot…knives you throw…what about dynamite. Run like hell or climb over there and put it out to talk.
- Kassam got it…now he is little bits.
- Umbopo! Will protect you…give you Umbopo hug.
- It is always the Germans.
- That is 3 words…gets the horse whipper.
- Sorry Pal, Gun I understand…mind if I smoke..
- It’s a dummy…they come in handy sometimes.
- Free the slaves on the way out of town…poor Umbopo…hide your eyes !!
- I love how the German shoots…and now…we pray…
- Someone clean the vaseline off the camera lens.
- You know what I was dreaming about? Nevermind. Finger Brush…pretty.
- Crank it up Umbopo
- The great White African Hunter
- Umbopo run now…
- She is an archeologist student.
- You think it’s going to stop? It’s not going to stop…damn…it’s not stopping….GO FASTER
- Umbopo is hiding his face again.
- Germans in shorts…
- Quartermain lost his hat under the train….will he have it later? Let’s watch and find out…the tension is unbearable.
- I have seen plenty of fights on top of trains…but I don’t recall a fight under a train…here…have some steam.
- Those German gunners are easily… Herrbockler.
- Yankee Doodle
- Give me my bigger whipping stick
- I will do this until you are a stub.
- Sure…let’s stop for the elephants…but what if they are rebel elephants!
- Does anybody know how to shoot guns in this movie.
- Ok…is this a comedy?
- Shack…go bring me his head is the big guy.
- It’s funny when little guys have to fight big guys. Apparently.
- Barefoot skiing behind a train?
- Told you…Elephant rebels.
- I find you most attractive…I WASN’T TALKING TO YOU!
- Is he about to have them do the sexy thing … Come Struddle Adolf Dorfman. died from a Shot in the dick.
- How much Dynamite does Quartermain have… I’VE GOT IT! What a weird catch phrase.
- I have been looking for my entire life…if they get there first…my life would be pointless…what a moron. That inspired his daughter.
- I don’t believe in the mines…but I’m beginning to believe in you.
- She is a German Honeypot.
- I spin the propeller you push the shiny red button.
- haha…My father always wanted a boy…he’d know how to fly this thing…that sums it up…yep.
- It’s like driving a car…vrooom.
- Stampede! Elephants!
- And there is some brown goop leaking out the side.
- 1…2…3… follow me.
- It’s the tits of Sheba!
- Next time we steal a plane I will let you crash it.
- These cannibals are going to boil and eat us.
- I think I’m going to run out of bullets before they run out of spheres.
- That is a big pot…and apparently they prefer white meat.
- At least we are the main course. I don’t need to die with dignity.
- I hope they choke on us…pewey.
- How long will it take to boil that pot?
- She’s a nose pincher
- If this pot is rocking don’t come knocking ya bunch of cannibals!!
- This pot rocking back and forth is totally normal…keep playing you blue man group of the Africa.
- It seemed like a good idea at the time.
- Hey…did you guys order your food to go…because it is getting away!! noooo
- I think I got a onion up my hooha.
- Out of the cannibal’s mouth and into the lion’s den.
- Let’s make the sexy time in front of the lion and in our own soup water.
- The Germans killed the cannibals!! Those bastards.
- She is from IOWA
- The tree people have come for…they are much nicer than the cannibal people…they just want to steal your gravity…everything is upside down for these folks. including the laundry.
- Obugwa! unhappy with the world they live upside down.
- She is their princess.
- They are dropping like ripe plums.
- From theme tribe to theme tribe.
- Gagoola…the crazy lady tribe.
- Screamy and clingy lady.
- They weren’t coming for her…they were coming for HIM!
- Happy Skeleton Face Tribe led by the laughing prune lady.
- Feed him to the gators! Did you remember to feed the gators…no? then momma tribe leader says….give them Qaurtermain!
- Everything wants to shoot or eat you.
- She loves him?!
- I’m going to punch the whole tribe out….This tribe has gym muscles.
- Saved by Twala…The rightful ruler of the KukuWanas…look at my belly thing!
- Meanwhile, the Germans are hot on the trail of the Jones Boys…
- Long live Twala the rightful ruler of the…blown up tribe.
- I have been carrying this Wagner Phonograph through the entirety of Africa
- The Breasts of Sheba…they are on fire!
- Turks are afraid of fire…Germans too.
- Save my Gramophone…Stop sinking..that is an order
- I’m happy…no more Wagner.
- Fine..destroy the village and kill my crocs…I’ll take this lady to the lava pits.
- Wait…what…he killed Rhys!!
- Holy smokes…she going to crown her with the burning
- Man…them gym muscles really went up in flames.
- Frozen people in the caves?
- Sheba…She knew you must be sacrificed.
- Gagoola and her laughing insanity.
- You never will leave here with the diamonds!
- a giant spider!! nooo my fez!!
- giant diamonds…
- and then there were two.
- Hey…don’t step on the blood stone. Hamid… Coward.
- Gagoola is a real pain in the ass..dipping in and out in the secret caverns of the cave.
- Dynamite…everybody has pocket fulls of dynamite.
- Water…it looks like they thought of everything.
- Its just a snake…
- If this is the end…I just want you to know…I swallowed a bug…I love you Quartermain
- For me…..and what for me!! Old Turkish Invention!
- Never call a Turk an imbecile unless you are sure he is dead.
- Now fill your hat…and your pockets…and your mouth!!
- Eat the stones….I can barley swallow anything larger than a flintstone vitamin…I would be screwed.
- Who is eating my diamonds!
- She was explosive! She had her Darth Maul moment.
- German Laxatives will work wonders as I sit down to count my blessings.
- Maybe he is the leader of the tribe…he even knows where the things are…so why he no tell them sooner.
- Diamonds are no good to the dead.
- Diamond head!
- Hungry Hungry Hippos ate the German!
- The Diamonds belong to the mountain…duh.
- Umbopo… Save my woman..thanks.
- Rhys Davis is still alive.
- This must be the laughing cave…everybody laughing.
- Double fist punch…eye gouging…hook pulling.
- Quartermain! We go together! Nope.
- Ejected from the cave!
- You are the last to see the diamond secrets…you will have your memories… but can you buy food with your memories?
- Never trust the white folks..I kept a diamond…me too! We are so bad…kiss me you fool.