Categories
Filmsack Notes

The One

The One (2001)  87 min  Rated PG-13

A sheriff’s deputy fights an alternate universe version of himself who grows stronger with each alternate self he kills.

Director:

 James Wong

Writers:

 Glen Morgan, James Wong

Stars:

 Jet Li, Carla Gugino, Delroy Lindo |

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_One_(2001_film)

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0267804/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Opener: Wait wait wait. First, kudos on the automatic chair straps…I’m in here tight… ..zip zip zip…very cool….second…did he say penal colony? or penile colony. I just need to know how much I need to struggle here. 

He’s doing 50!

Twitter: The One- A Kind of Multiverse Ground Hog Day meets Highlander without the charm of Bill Murray or Sean Connery. But we did have Jet Li going 50. so…yeah.

Stuff I Loved:

Highlander of the multiverse

Do we need voice over and subtitles

Police bullet proof helmet. Less than bullet proof

Let the bodies hit the floor.

He’s doing 50…as long as he doesn’t slow down he shouldn’t blow up wildcat

Our muscle car has a turbo sound.

I can’t hear you…

My gun goes pew pew pew

The only person who can kick Jet Lee’s but. Is Jet Lee!!

I know it was a lot of setup…but I found the keys to this truck in the garage in the hopes you would still be standing in the carport after a long bit of banter with Jason Statham.

Multiverse travel is painful.

Victim 119 Jude Law. Promethius Universe. Doh!

Lawless…uh huh

Is that some sort of body scanner? Nope…it’s a glowing vibrator

Movie Auto Straps…Cause in the future…people don’t got time for strapping

Penal colony in the hades universe

rational murder

is that a paper clip hanging out of that’s rat’s anus. look at the size of that skroat!

Bush’s universal healthcare?

Only in Prime universe is Jet Li a good guy.

Not only are there multiple universes…but apparently all of them are just a little bit timeshifted.

This is like a Multiverse Ground Hog day.

Prime Universe. The only Universe that matters.

How come he ain’t going 50

sorry…no bad news today…maybe later.

Why is alternate universe Jet Li not have a goatee.

Already getting a feeling that this movie is going to end with a “No..It’s me!! I’m the real Jet Li…shoot him…” moment

ha! not unless he had one put in this morning in reference to penile implant.

A wedding ring and a necklace

Ha! He looks like a robot in that MRI head gear

Most aspirated x-ray tech ever. “WHAT! HOLD STILL!! I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO DO THIS TWICE”

No! He got out…now we have to start the x-ray all over again.

Jet Li crawls funny.

My gun makes laser sounds.

shoot M.R.I. machine…it’s full of smoke

Worst security camera operator ever.

Who cocks a shotgun and then uses it to restrain someone.

One thing wrong with this theory. What if the converse happens. All of the you’s die in every universe…but one of you happens to survive. Wouldn’t that make you The One.

If you get into “The Shit”

that girl girl stuff

Answers come without thinking. Hey…am I the one? of just a no thinking smartass.

an energy…string…wave….don’t be mixing theories

can punch through a van…can’t beat up old partner

Why yes…I am going to beat you up with a couple of motorcycles.

hehe…hey….what are you guys doing…stop kicking my signs down. I know gas prices are high but c’mon!! Yeah yeah…falling prices…fuck you.

Why is it a martial arts movie wet dream to fight yourself? Equal matching for a good fight? something more metaphorical?

With all the sparks it is like “The Greatest Man Alive”

Lots of modern rock….well modern in 2001

The slow mo works in this movie.

Jet Li has the shirt wipe thinkg for his bruce lee…bring it on nose bleed.

haha…”That order is bullshit!”

He sent him to the pleasure planet. Was there not already a law there?

Fresh meat boys

Most awesome ending to a movie

They didn’t lock me in here with you…they locked you in here with me.

Penile Implant Colony! NOOOOO…

 

Categories
Filmsack Notes

The Adventures Of Ford Fairlane

The Adventures Of Ford Fairlane (1990) – Come out and Andrew Dice Claaay Ayy

And not a single woman was exploited that day. oh wait. wrong movie

Twitter:

The Adventures Of Ford Fairlane – I didn’t understand half of your racial slurs but I did love your rock and roll heart. Can’t believe no one mentioned the dead koala.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098987/?ref_=sr_1

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Adventures_of_Ford_Fairlane

 

Stuff I Loved:

Scooby Doo

Must really put my hate for the schtich

555 callout. Good job.

Rock and Roll Detective

The Guy from the Warriors….Come out and Claaay Ayy

The Run Of Shame

Every movie is better with a Tone Loc Cameo

“Sucking my Dick.” What is that.

The right amount of Gilbert Godfrey in a movie

Very Scooby Doo.

Scooby Doo with Fuck.

Moustache number 3. Ed O Neal.

Booty Time…Ed O’Neal

What is up with the animated Koala Bear?

Laughing Bad Guy. Kicks your ass while laughing…dying…generally a happy guy (Robert Englund)

I don’t understand half of the racial slurs this movie throws out.

Dice Clay was ok when the chic was dead and in his crotch. He freaked out a little when she was alive.

Dead Koala

So much bad teeth in this movie

My Favorite licence plate “UNPOOR”

And not a single woman was exploited that day.

Who uses a corvette as a weapon. c’mon.

Categories
Filmsack Notes

Angry Red Planet

Angry Red Planet (1959)  83 min  Unrated

The Angry Red Planet (aka Invasion of Mars and Journey to Planet Four) is a 1959 science fiction film starring Gerald Mohr and directed by Ib Melchior. Melchior was only given 10 days and a budget of $200,000 to make the film.[1]

This necessitated the use of a CineMagic technique, which involved using hand drawn animations together with live action footage, and was used for all scenes on the surface of Mars. Although this process was largely unsuccessful, producer Norman Maurer would attempt the same technique again in The Three Stooges in Orbit.[2]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Angry_Red_Planet

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0052564/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Opener:

Tandem Telescope. It takes a couple of nerds to operate that.

The rad men. Who volunteers to go scan for radiation? is that a safe job?

No…stop it sam…stop! you are winding too  fast. slow down…like this…around one rotation per second…stop! stop!  you know what sam…screw you….I hate you talked me into Tandem Telescope as a job. Screw the radiation! It’s a girl.

 NOW THROUGH THE NEXT AUDIO MICARCLE – SACK-O-MAGIC….which is not being broadcasting to you now.

Now through the next audio miracle – Sack-O-Magic…

Sack-O-Magic is not being broadcasted to you now.

Feel the fire hot breath of a 40 foot monster.

Twitter: Angry Red Planet – Like an888888888888888888888888000000000000000000000000000000000000 3 eye’d peeper behind a space rock. You’ll crap when you see it. or scream and pass out.

Stuff I Loved:

I will just point at this map until the other actors get here

MR1 appears to be a dead ship

This table is too high!

That’s a tall order George!

Professor Whiner…can you please complain about how hard this will be to retrieve the ship?

This is a room about space…see the posters we have on the wall.

Are you seriously drawing on the radar screen with that permanent marker?

You have to talk like this in the control room.

Newspaper cut scenes

The only way a lady can make it in the field of man is if her dad was already in it.

Tandem Telescope. It takes a couple of nerds to operate that.

The rad men. Who volunteers to go scan for radiation? is that a safe job?

The girl. The hell with radiation. It’s a girl!!

The girl is our only hope.

For a second I was thinking we were going to do the Fantastic Four Origin Story

Do you mind. I am trying to look at this space port…i do not need you to stand half a foot behind me.

I think that dude just made up a song about 2 moons.

Who takes a red head to space…with a popped collar.

All these dudes are meatballs.

Easy Fox Baker

When is Chow…now I know why they brought the lady. Somebody had to cook.

Really…they made the lady do all the secretary work.

Surprised they didn’t have her patching the spacesuits.

Just have to put my perfume on in between

47 days with this crowd.

Should we go out and claim the planet in the name of brooklyn.

Turn up the outside microphones.

You do not want Oxygen Consumption to go to Extreme

Well I got my exploring pipe ready.

That port hole should be called the “uncomfortable area.” Everybody gets in real tight and looks dreamy out the port hole.

What beings could possibly know how to be quiet.

Takes a brave man to admit he is scared. It also takes a big loser. loser.

Old fashioned woman hater.

oooh…amnesia…and a quality of un-reality

I could really use some Morgan Freeman to dumb down the science.

Who ya gonna call….GHOSTBUSTERS! look at those uniforms

3 eyes…what a crazy peeping Tom!

My first experience with Cinemagic….was underwhelming.

Well…aren’t we just pleased with ourselves. Mr. Freeze and the fantastic gun slap man.

You guys couldn’t hear that whipperwhil?

Really…had to come all the way to mars to find a damsel in distress

Did you just kiss your freeze ray gun? That’s sounds unsafe.

Neuro Vege Muscular Creature

Cleopatra the freeze gun and engineer

Shake it like a polaroid picture

Breakfast. Hot coffee and vitamins

Oh wait…that aint’ a Tree…I just chopped off your crab feeler….

Other than this annoying noise….how can I tell if this stupid freeze gun is working?

Insta Blind!! Great jorb.

Wait a minute irish…before we have another tree chopping incident on our hands. Let me scan that lake before you touch it.

At least not life as we know it.

Rat-Bat-Spider Nightmare.

Are we flying yet?

The control

Grab the lifeboat out of the spaceship….we did bring a lifeboat right?

Paddle faster!

The 3 eyed peeper!

Geez…your answer is always freeze gun.

Rotating eyeball. that makes sense.

Just one last freeze…goodbye.

Oh look…you can see him being digested.

Stop rubbing my helmet…I’m a big girl.

Tom sure is proud of his hairy chest.

“Check me out.”

Why is tom going righty tighty on that panel.

It’s alright…It’s just a little chest pain.

DId you catch that last message Iris? You didn’t? cause you passed out? Typical 50s woman.

Tom’s lick lipping makes me uncomfortable.

Only kind of woman in this movie….redhead. The first professional woman.

Categories
Filmsack Notes

Prince Of Darkness

Prince Of Darkness (1987) – Alright, the end of times is over. All you hobos can go home now. Oh wait. Carry on. Has anyone seen Susan? The Radiologist. With  Glasses. Homosexual Panic

Twitter:

Prince Of Darkness –  Like a Test tube antichrist spitting up evil mouth squirts this movie will make you puke. Panic.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093777/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prince_of_Darkness_(film)

 

Stuff I Loved:

Latin!

Did The Prince Of Darkness give you that moustache?

Homosexual Panic

The father of Satan!

Crazy Christ

Susan is very forgettable. (The radiologist…with glasses)

Ok. The anti christ has been banished. All the hobos can go home now. oh wait. they don’t have a home.

Got an anti-god complex

apparently in the future…aka 1999 we can send messages back through time. at least as far back as the 80’s. Also, We took to calling the year’s by one-9-9-9…hey…the mark of the beast..upside down plus 1!

The middle child of John Carpenter’s apolyptic triology

Categories
Filmsack Notes

Damnation Alley

Damnation Alley (1977) –  Things you never heard after this movie in 1977. Thank the gods this movie has good special effects to make up for the bad accents. Just watch my style son

Twitter:

Damnation Alley – Perry is dead. It don’t mean this movie is good or bad. It just means Perry is dead.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075909/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Damnation_Alley_(film)

 

Stuff I Loved:

Is that mustache for real?

Just watch my style son

Those scorpions look real good

Stop drop and roll was not a thing during the 70s apparently

Who doesn’t want a triangle of wheels on their vehicles. All Terrain!

What accent is it that Peppard is using? He only uses it part of the time. Is it the mustache?

You have 2. Trucks. and everybody else is dead. Do you really need codenames for the trucks to announce who you are when you are talking to each other. LandMaster 1 to LandMaster 2.

Just like your family car…cept…well…nothing like your family car.

“Just call me when you want me to drive this mother”

XERE

Good thing this movie has good special effects to make up for the bad accents.

Great, We spent 2 days on naming these stupid vehicles and practice calling each other and 30 minutes into our trip we kill Perry and only have 1 truck.

I can just imagine them coming home from the grocery store. Stalker!

Bad Point Of View Actor. Actor who can not see the 6000 killer cockroaches surrounding them until they see 1 random roach.

This girl is a scream queen.

Roaches hate fire extinguishers.

I’m sure Scott has never seen the Big Salt Lake Gas Station.

That kid has deadly aim. Poor StringFellow Hawke didn’t have a chance.

The “Tour Director” joke is getting old. We get it. We don’t have anything anymore.

Categories
Filmsack Notes

Terminator 2

Terminator 2: Judgment Day  (1991)  137 min  Rated R

Terminator 2: Judgment Day is a 1991 American science fiction action film, the second installment of the Terminator franchise and the sequel to The Terminator (1984). Directed by James Cameron and written by Cameron and William Wisher, Jr., it stars Arnold Schwarzenegger, Linda Hamilton, Robert Patrick, and Edward Furlong. Terminator 2 follows Sarah Connor (Hamilton) and her ten-year-old son John (Furlong) as they are pursued by a new, more advanced Terminator, the liquid metal, shapeshifting T-1000 (Patrick), sent back in time to 1995 to kill John and prevent him from becoming the leader of the human Resistance against the machines. An older, less advanced Terminator (Schwarzenegger) is also sent back in time to protect John.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terminator_2:_Judgment_Day

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103064/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Opener: And that’s when that stupid kid and his muscle bound robot cuffed me face down on the floor in front of a urinal. Could have chained me to a sink. But nooo…..face down right into the pee pee. Washed my face for 3 hours straight. also, the kid kept calling some dude his mom.

Twitter: Terminator 2 – Unlike the Harry Housen’esq look of the original terminator this 2nd in the series has a sleek polished turd “on the floor next to the toilet” quality to it. ooooh I almost step in that.

about 2 hours in I wanted to self terminate but I can not! push the button. The more you Learn….

I can not self terminate…if you know what I mean…help a robot out.

Stuff I Loved:

1997

Machines have airplanes….drat!! How we suppose to win.

Machines got no ethics…they will try to kill ladies….and kids..whatever it takes!!

Time traveling naked. Probably not a good idea

With all that processing power…the best the future bots can do is…time travel. Program Error!!

It must really be noisy in a terminators head…all those computer computations sounds.

You look about like my size. No he isn’t!

Still don’t understand why clothes can’t time travel.

Man the foster parents were treated like crap.

Sara Conners kind of has a mental hospital fort built in her room.

A boy and his robot. John Connor is annoying.

Pepsi…played by coke.

Nah…a big guy on a bike…that is totally normal…did you give he a picture of your foster child as well? Also, foster care parents of the year.

is there a “bucks” button on ATMs from the early 90s.

Hey, why do you have movie still from Terminator 1 as the only pic of your mom.

Mullets and arcades…early 90s man. what an interesting time.

How did Arnold buy that box of roses to hide his gun in.

You got to remember when we first saw T2…we weren’t sure if Arnold was still the bad guy…

I can actually believe Robot Patrick could run 50 mph

I can drive a semi like a robot patrick

Something about flat faces semis that are super scary to be chased by.

vehicles of the 90s had great suspensions….kind of explody…but great suspensions.

The orderlies in insane asylums are always crazier than the patients. Mind if I taste your face…slurp.

The best parts about Terminator movies is the terminators just keep coming. Robots never tire…same for BSG….

A learning computer….

A boy and his brobot

All I caught was Tequilla. He’s alright by me.

That kid that Arnold picked up by the scruff was pretty good sport about being picked up by the scruff.

The best car I got is the suck.

Why do you cry? I mean…me and the other robots sit around trying to figure that shit out.

When a robot gives you a 5…better buck up.

The terminator was going to be a good dad.

Public Enemy Shirt!!

Dyson!…If we can can destroy the vacuum man then we can prevent the war.

OMG…this kid is annoying

Just about all the parents in this movie suck.

Poor old Gibbens facedown in the bathroom at a stall.

Yo. I got this…I have a programmable card….we can watch some free porn after this.

Who needs a plan when you can walk through walls.

Miles has a great death scene

The number of dumbfounded people in this movie is ridiculous.

If you are the hero. Just go ahead and let someone else drive from the start. Instead of the whole “Here….take the wheel crap.”

 Who are you yelling at? Get the hell out of here…you are up 3 stories in a crane operators booth.

Dangit….hot lava!! Do you know how many times I have lost at robot wars because of hot lava.

Slowly getting beat to death by an i-beam. gotta smart.

Nobody reloads a gun as it was intended in this movie.

All evil can be vanquished in the fires of mordor..

I can not self terminate…if you know what I mean…help a robot out.