and thank you for breathing your hot breath on my pulsing ruby vessel and then rubbing it all over your breasts. A little over the shirt action is the absolute best way to wake a centuries old Djinn that was imprisoned by a very naughty sorcerer.
Oh…what’s a Djinn you ask? Well, I’m sort of like “a genie” but spelt like “a Django.” So you know what that means. Yep. You guessed it. You can keep that D in your mouth… because it is silent….but it also means 3 wishes!… followed by the total enslavement of all of humanity. Ya take the good. Ya take the bad and there you have… the facts of strife. the facts of ….
Ok, let’s move onto the wishing! first wish? Would you like to be rich? It’s our number one request. How does a million bucks sound? Yeah? …As you wish….bam! your mom is dead. WHAT!? That’s how wishes work! You ask for something and you get it! but at a price. This time your mom footed the bill. Thanks ma!
Alright, second wish…go. What do you mean you don’t want any more wishes…well that’s not how this works. Once you wake up the Djinn you don’t just get to change your mind about waking up the Djinn. Now rub my ruby red gem and make a wish. What’s that now? “Astonish you”… well out of all the vague bullshit wishes…fine…see that guy over there…how would you like to see his skeleton make a break for it? Yeah…As you wish. oooh…look at that skeleton go…holy shit it really wants to get out of that guy doesn’t it. Wow this doesn’t usually happen…but I think I just Astonished myself.
What’s that? You got a third wish…well do it lady…let’s bring this thing home. “You wish Peter Atkins had stuck to writing Hellraiser movies.” Shit. Randy, Fear the Djinn!!
Wishmaster (1997) – Like living in the late 90s wishing for a return to horror films from the 80s and then getting this. As you wish.
- I wish this movie were shorter
- Is this like Wonder Woman 1984?
- various medieval spices
- They done made a gem that is cut and everything from stuff.
- Oh…I guess we just gonna let Angus Scrimm read our intro?
- Once, in a time before time, God breathed life into the universe. And the light gave birth to Angels. And the earth gave birth to Man. And the fire gave birth to the Djinn, creatures condemned to dwell in the void between the worlds. One who wakes a Djinn will be given three wishes. Upon the granting of the third, the unholy legions of the Djinn will be freed to rule the earth. Fear one thing in all there is… FEAR THE DJINN.
- Don’t wake the DJINN!!
- Fear the DJINN
- Meanwhile in Perisa, 1127 AD
- Second Wish is “Astonish me.” That is piss poor wishing and apparently horrific.
- When your skeleton makes a break for it. Gahhh
- Skeletons have never really been scary to me. No muscle mass.
- Hold your tongue Wizard.
- This Djinn ain’t too smart…he is showing his hand…played right into the Wizard’s plan…to lock the Djinn into a ruby.
- Meanwhile, present day America.
- Freddy Krueger has waited 10 years for this piece.
- 8 foot tall god statue
- That dock worker is smoking cigars and saucing up his coffee with flask whiskey.
- The statue crushed that guy…he kind of had it coming
- Bob-Cat Goldthwait’s less funny brother took the stone!
- “I’ve got a pawnshop in the garment district. Fifth and Tooley. The armpit of the universe. Anyway, this came in this morning.”
- Nick…Shannon…Hello Betty.
- “What’s its provenance? History? Where did it come from fool?”
- Who is wearing a Member’s Only Jacket in 1997?
- Sike! A slang term (correctly, “psych”) that was big in the 1990s. It’s similar in usage to adding “not” to the end of a statement that’s meant to be either sarcastic, a joke
- This fire opal is magnificent.
- I love that word. Unique.
- Don’t breath heavily on the Fire Opal and then rub it on your breast! That is how you wake the Djinn!
- That is when you need Stillness…in your mind… she is totally going to use this technique to defeat the Djinn.
- The D is silent in Djinn. Not the way I do it.
- “You woke me…”
- So was he asleep? Did the wizard put his ass to sleep?
- Pay Phone! Pacific Bell…
- You know a guy…he works in a lab…you take him something weird to look at…then he dies horrifically. Cause…movies.
- “Is the pain terrible? I can help you with that. I can ease your suffering. All you have to do is ask. Tell me you want the pain to cease.”
- Djinn pupil phase looks like a grey alien.
- Computer Malfunction?
- Hey lady…hey lady…miss..
- You knew Josh? He was my best friend…oh…I’m sorry…so he died in the friend zone.
- Film Processing…Pay Phones…what the hell is this…the 1900s?
- Learned a thing…don’t piss off the bums…they will wish you should get cancer and die.
- Something loose in your city…something that feeds on wishes…but tell them quickly…while you still have a soul.
- She loosed him so she gets the bad vibes when he executes the wish orders?
- She has a history of imagining things. Her little sister said so…and the fire was years ago…got her sister out but not her parents…she has survivors guilt.
- Now she got no tennis partner
- “I can smell your fear…”
- I can smell that you fell asleep with candles burning at the foot of your bed even though your parents died in a fire.
- The Big Djinn on Campus.
- The Mr. Beaumont…Anything you wish.
- Every guy in this movie is Handsy
- My room of lost gods. Little g
- Ahura Mazda! What is it?
- His shadow was his only bad guy
- Justin and Kelly in the college morgue.
- “Is this something you do not wish to see?” fine…blind.
- I got a Josh mask!
- Prone to bouts of female hysteria and visions.
- First a Josh Suit and then a real suit
- You are a magical mannequin…congrats…beautiful forever.
- Look at my hockey mask ! oh sorry
- Djinn is a race…singular and plural.
- Can make people do what he wants….but can’t figure out where she lives without an address? What a crappy Djinn.
- The gem is a doorway.
- Single Wish souls into the gem…and then the 3 wish lady and then…bam..
- Turned the guard into a door.
- You want to be a millionaire…no problem..your mom is dead.
- People borrowed phones a lot during the late 90s. No…don’t touch my phone.
- That evil motherfucker moved the clock up like 7 minutes.
- “I claim that which is owed”
- Soul Collective Time.
- I needed her face!!
- 1 Free wish…
- I wish to know what you are….
- How many commas can you put in your wish.
- I wish Tony Todd was the Wish Master…oh wait…Valentine.
- The Gjinn sounds like a late night TV commerical. As you wish.
- So was that the kings first wish? A party that would be talked about forever?
- When casual conversation turns into mayhem. Wishmaster.
- I don’t need you dead…I just have to want you to wish you were.
- Like Krueger throwing up or eating a hell baby.
- If you can’t beat them…burn them baby.
- She time paradox’d him.
- Confirmed…Mickey was a competent worker if not for his drinking.