Jupiter Ascending (2015) – Filmsack Show Notes

Jupiter Ascending


oh hi,

and oh yeah it’s true…the great splicer spliced me with bad movies so I could find joy in even the crappiest of films..films where people with more sense might just toss their popcorn and leave. I know, I know time is the most precious commodity in the universe but here I am every week sucking on rotten tomatoes for hours at a time and proclaiming them to be the best the universe has to offer. Maybe it’s in my genes.

Take this week’s movie for instance…it has a flying jet-booted test-tube dog-man from space skyjacking spindly occasionally-visible always-naked roswell grays from the skies over Chicago for close to 10 minutes straight…well you may think…nah…I’d rather be cleaning the toilet…well I thought…woah! who’s got time to clean the toilet…pass me the popcorn…but hey wash your hands first ya

Also, who in their right mind would ever splice an elephant to make a starship pilot…he would be trumpeting all over the place…I don’t need that kind of drama on my bridge or in the non-existent starship toilet room… Phhhhttlll … Congratulations and my deepest condolences on your bowel movement Mr. Elephant Man.


YouTube player
YouTube player


Jupiter Ascending (2015) – Please make Sean Bean a Bee so he can fly far far away from this movie. Sean Bee! Dangit Scott…You know what…I am just going to give it to Gleb’s crew.


  • Is this that alien movie
  • Part Nudity…oh no..Magic Mikes
  • Technically Speaking…I’m an alien
  • That is a lot of baby belly…Vasoline!
  • Over my dead body…name her Jupiter…she dead
  • Jupiter is THE planet
  • That was a pretty fast home invasion
  • Born in the House of Leo
  • gross she pushed me out too…on a container…in the ocean.
  • Born in the house of Leo
  • Stalin’s Frozen Balls!
  • The problem with Astrology…total bullshit
  • She cleaning for a living. and it’s always toilets.
  • Have you ever seen a harvest? Quite humane..
  • Planetary Marbles…earth worth the most..trade ya
  • U-Pah-Tur
  • Uh oh..she hates her life…that means the Planet gods are going to come and make it better by Harvesting her.
  • Lyncancant…Skyjacker…the boots.
  • Bounty Hunters…with cloaking tech
  • Let me sniff this legal paper…yep…I can see the past.
  • Jet boots….time to fire ’em up.
  • Hover board boots…speeder bikes…all the cool future tech
  • “Do you trust me?” no
  • Jupiter’s Storm is a city.
  • Valem likes to fly naked.
  • It’s the rat people.
  • We have a name…the universe works just like investigation on earth
  • Them some scary aliens
  • I will give it to Gleb’s crew
  • Harvesting Eggs..People on planets…queen eating eggs
  • She is pretending to be someone else
  • Spider monkey Aliens
  • Only good news in here where I float around with the laughing ladies
  • Wolf and Human made
  • Keepers are scary
  • Terrsies
  • Flying jet booted test tube wolf man from space skyjacking naked spider monkey gray aliens
  • His name is Caine Wise…like Canine…uh hu hu hu
  • That is the biggest pad I have ever seen
  • She is someone special..Jupiter
  • Sean …he is already dead
  • Is he spliced with bees
  • I need some heal spray
  • ha…Bees can detect royalty
  • Trying to get Sean Bean his Wings
  • She is a recurrence
  • Vladie – Cousin bought a ton of electronics with his egg money
  • He was born a runt and he has no pack…he is a lone wolf
  • The splicer (creator) loved bees…that is why he is part bee
  • Ouch Concussion gun
  • Mr. Knight…the rat splice
  • Abraxis is people
  • Entering into the Genetic Age
  • are you a vampire race?
  • 14 thousand years old.
  • Just a roller bladding shirtless spaceman.
  • Time is the most precious community in the universe
  • “In case I am reincarnated…I leave all my shit to me.”
  • All you have to do is close your eyes to all the horror and you can have everything royal girl.
  • Please call me Jupe…oh hi Stinger…what the hell am I talking about!
  • Portaling can be rough on the royal bowels
  • Headed to the hall of titles
  • genomegineering
  • Maybe it’s my genes.
  • They already said Mom had terrible luck in love…still in the recurrence
  • Clownfish ship
  • Intergalactic Advocate Bob here to assist you to the ascension process.
  • This is Revenue Request…not Revenue Review
  • A hodgepodge of all the SciFi you can imagine
  • Congratulations and my deepest condolences
  • Nectar…they are like bees…space bees pollinating the galaxy and then harvesting
  • 100 human beings per container
  • OMG…that is a vile of 100 people you dropped!
  • What! Will you marry me! But you are my child!
  • Weird ass short armed T-Rex Soldiers with their weird arms.
  • You better chase down those compressed space suits
  • You don’t treat your cousin like chicken.
  • A fairy tale in space!
  • The classic…does anyone have anything to say before we wed these chumps.
  • Jupiter Jones keeps making poor choices
  • Having an elephant splice as a pilot is probably a bad idea if flying requires great effort…BLAAT
  • Human Society is a pyramid scheme
  • This guy is the Crispin Glover of space
  • 2 royals falling…falling…royals don’t plummet to their death
  • You told me you hated your life. I am not your mother!!
  • U-Pit-Tur…get up and make the coffee
  • Half Wolf-Half Man-Half Winged Beast

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