Categories
Film Sack Filmsack Notes Podcasts

Jupiter Ascending (2015) – Filmsack Show Notes

INTRO

oh hi,

and oh yeah it’s true…the great splicer spliced me with bad movies so I could find joy in even the crappiest of films..films where people with more sense might just toss their popcorn and leave. I know, I know time is the most precious commodity in the universe but here I am every week sucking on rotten tomatoes for hours at a time and proclaiming them to be the best the universe has to offer. Maybe it’s in my genes.

Take this week’s movie for instance…it has a flying jet-booted test-tube dog-man from space skyjacking spindly occasionally-visible always-naked roswell grays from the skies over Chicago for close to 10 minutes straight…well you may think…nah…I’d rather be cleaning the toilet…well I thought…woah! who’s got time to clean the toilet…pass me the popcorn…but hey wash your hands first ya

Also, who in their right mind would ever splice an elephant to make a starship pilot…he would be trumpeting all over the place…I don’t need that kind of drama on my bridge or in the non-existent starship toilet room… Phhhhttlll … Congratulations and my deepest condolences on your bowel movement Mr. Elephant Man.

LINKS

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1617661/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jupiter_Ascending

TWITTER

Jupiter Ascending (2015) – Please make Sean Bean a Bee so he can fly far far away from this movie. Sean Bee! Dangit Scott…You know what…I am just going to give it to Gleb’s crew.

SHOW NOTES

  • Is this that alien movie
  • Part Nudity…oh no..Magic Mikes
  • Technically Speaking…I’m an alien
  • That is a lot of baby belly…Vasoline!
  • Over my dead body…name her Jupiter…she dead
  • Jupiter is THE planet
  • That was a pretty fast home invasion
  • Born in the House of Leo
  • gross she pushed me out too…on a container…in the ocean.
  • Born in the house of Leo
  • Stalin’s Frozen Balls!
  • The problem with Astrology…total bullshit
  • She cleaning for a living. and it’s always toilets.
  • Have you ever seen a harvest? Quite humane..
  • Planetary Marbles…earth worth the most..trade ya
  • U-Pah-Tur
  • Uh oh..she hates her life…that means the Planet gods are going to come and make it better by Harvesting her.
  • Lyncancant…Skyjacker…the boots.
  • Bounty Hunters…with cloaking tech
  • Let me sniff this legal paper…yep…I can see the past.
  • Jet boots….time to fire ’em up.
  • Hover board boots…speeder bikes…all the cool future tech
  • “Do you trust me?” no
  • Jupiter’s Storm is a city.
  • Valem likes to fly naked.
  • It’s the rat people.
  • We have a name…the universe works just like investigation on earth
  • Them some scary aliens
  • I will give it to Gleb’s crew
  • Harvesting Eggs..People on planets…queen eating eggs
  • She is pretending to be someone else
  • Spider monkey Aliens
  • Only good news in here where I float around with the laughing ladies
  • Wolf and Human made
  • Keepers are scary
  • Terrsies
  • Flying jet booted test tube wolf man from space skyjacking naked spider monkey gray aliens
  • His name is Caine Wise…like Canine…uh hu hu hu
  • That is the biggest pad I have ever seen
  • She is someone special..Jupiter
  • Sean …he is already dead
  • Is he spliced with bees
  • I need some heal spray
  • ha…Bees can detect royalty
  • Trying to get Sean Bean his Wings
  • She is a recurrence
  • Vladie – Cousin bought a ton of electronics with his egg money
  • He was born a runt and he has no pack…he is a lone wolf
  • The splicer (creator) loved bees…that is why he is part bee
  • Ouch Concussion gun
  • Mr. Knight…the rat splice
  • Abraxis is people
  • Entering into the Genetic Age
  • are you a vampire race?
  • 14 thousand years old.
  • Just a roller bladding shirtless spaceman.
  • Time is the most precious community in the universe
  • “In case I am reincarnated…I leave all my shit to me.”
  • All you have to do is close your eyes to all the horror and you can have everything royal girl.
  • Please call me Jupe…oh hi Stinger…what the hell am I talking about!
  • Portaling can be rough on the royal bowels
  • Headed to the hall of titles
  • genomegineering
  • Maybe it’s my genes.
  • They already said Mom had terrible luck in love…still in the recurrence
  • Clownfish ship
  • Intergalactic Advocate Bob here to assist you to the ascension process.
  • This is Revenue Request…not Revenue Review
  • A hodgepodge of all the SciFi you can imagine
  • Congratulations and my deepest condolences
  • Nectar…they are like bees…space bees pollinating the galaxy and then harvesting
  • 100 human beings per container
  • OMG…that is a vile of 100 people you dropped!
  • What! Will you marry me! But you are my child!
  • Weird ass short armed T-Rex Soldiers with their weird arms.
  • You better chase down those compressed space suits
  • You don’t treat your cousin like chicken.
  • A fairy tale in space!
  • The classic…does anyone have anything to say before we wed these chumps.
  • Jupiter Jones keeps making poor choices
  • Having an elephant splice as a pilot is probably a bad idea if flying requires great effort…BLAAT
  • Human Society is a pyramid scheme
  • This guy is the Crispin Glover of space
  • 2 royals falling…falling…royals don’t plummet to their death
  • You told me you hated your life. I am not your mother!!
  • U-Pit-Tur…get up and make the coffee
  • Half Wolf-Half Man-Half Winged Beast

Categories
Film Sack Filmsack Notes Podcasts

Spooks: The Greater Good aka MI-5 (2015) – Show Notes

INTRO

oh hi,

Dmitri! Answer the phone. ok….I’ll get it then..ya lazy Russian bum. Uh oh. It’s an out of area call…but I should still probably answer it…it could be our manly leader on vacation and he may lost another shirt. But just to be safe…I am going to use phone answering protocol number 2.

(clears throat)

Hello, Taco Bell of Moscow…how may we perforate your colon today? (pause) Oh hi Harry, oh yes this is FSB…my accent? I dropped it…I’m working the spy game now…gotta sound American. So what can I do for you Harry?

Qasim’s wife? yeah she is here. Can we return her to you? You mean like…today? Because today is no good..and I’m pretty busy next week…in fact my whole month is booked up. (Right…uh huh uh huh) So today then? OK. Say, just a hypothetical question…does she need to be alive? Right…Right…no…I totally understand…no…she is fine…just like when you dropped her off…totally fine. Not a scratch on her.

Listen…I got to go…Dmitri is choking on a chicken bone. Alright, See you then Harry. Say hi to Hagrid for me…alright bye.

Dmitri!…get a shovel…we got some digging to do. Hmm…that’s odd…I don’t remember writing Pull on my hand.

LINKS

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3321300/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spooks:_The_Greater_Good

TWITTER

Spooks: The Greater Good aka MI-5 (2015) – but what about Vass’ cat in room 58….I watched all the way through the credits…nothing…. but what about the cat.

SHOW NOTES

  • Is this Mission Impossible knock off? Nope…TV series…MI-5 is the American Marketing machine
  • What we hoped it would be….Knockoff of Mission Impossible w/ Tom Cruise but with Kit Harington….what we got…a TV series sized movie based on Spooks.
  • Saban Films as in…PowerRangers? Why you bring this international trash to our shores!
  • Meanwhile, London.
  • This very much reminds me of X-Files movie…TV gone big
  • I spy with my little eye…something wet…rain?
  • Meanwhile down London Control…Traffic Control is not doing their jorb!
  • I feel like I should know what is going on…but I am not
  • The local cops pulled our chopper!!
  • Harry…it’s hard for me to not hear Harry Potter when a Londoner says Harry
  • Beginning with…Motor bikes
  • I am not talking to you …I am talking to the CCTV
  • Ohhh…the American’s are going to be so mad
  • You do not negotiate with Terrorist…but we do!
  • Crazy Eyes!…I’m looking at your CCTV!
  • He will not let June (Jude) use her gun…no June
  • I can run as fast as you can motorbike
  • Ed should have waited…CIA is shot…
  • Finally…she got to shoot…2 shots…and she’s out
  • Hey…the American’s like Kit Harington..let’s put him in this film adaptation of the TV series
  • MiFive
  • Harry is pulling out flowers and she is putting down flowers
  • uh oh…haha…c’mon Harry…that bridge is not high enough to kill you. Maybe high enough to make you sorry you jumped.
  • Oh…Harry will be back
  • Running from the Russians.
  • Bland movie is bland
  • Liver and Onions
  • Meat Pie
  • Ruth Evershed…that sounds like a reference to someone in the TV show that I have no clue about
  • The bird gave it away
  • 3 encrypted phone calls
  • You and Harry ever talk about Berlin…when your father died…I bet that was in the TV show as well
  • Mace is a dick head
  • Find Harry….and you can ask him about Berlin yourself
  • ohhh…Southern England
  • Harry is promising more than he can deliver..
  • She doesn’t need a hospital…she needs mercy.
  • No Harry…don’t shoot her there!
  • Hey Erin is a major character from the TV Series…they just going to kill her
  • This postcard has 2 levels! nope…just messed up my postcard
  • Hannah always go with a gun. You go with gun too
  • Wear this white hoodie and carry this envelope….1.2.3.4
  • It’s 12:34!
  • Run…Run…Sprint…Drama Drama…Sprint…Glasgow…
  • Can you run like Tom Cruise? no? you run like a man…ok ok…you are hired
  • Holloway…do not go dark
  • The drunk, the mad and the dead…off the table? no way man
  • There is a mole!
  • What happened in Berlin?
  • If he went dark…why does he have a phone?
  • Harry used to stop by twice a year for a lecture and a diddling
  • Pop my collar…no one will find me now
  • Everyone gets mad about “You let him get away!!”
  • That van is an uncomfortable pink
  • I’m just going to walk this way a bit and…RUN AS FAST AS I CAN AND PARKOUR OVER MY CAR and into this house…GUN!
  • June thinks Rob Vass (partner) may be dirty.
  • Room 58 has a kitty…Rob likes his fuzzy kitty…he also has a lot of files and neat trash.
  • W78 Account prefix…that is Panama City!!
  • Souvenir…a loaded gun
  • Thames house…who is Thame? I kid…I kid.
  • Stupid June…why you get sucker punched.
  • Duuude…Rob has a big punch…put Kit through the plaster
  • He’s Dead…we can check his pulse.
  • June was all hot to shoot someone…till she shot Rob…and then she is all like…maybe he is ok.
  • oh man…Francis met a bad end
  • See my pin of my explosive vest…
  • bladder punch Harry?
  • Kit and his Man Bun
  • Harry has to protect the MI-5
  • Hey…a low security PC at a high security Facility. Let’s hack it!
  • Meanwhile, down at the Internet Cafe…look at the neon!! Harry has a old guy in a hat.
  • This machine is pre-millennial. in 2015!
  • You can do good…or you can do well.
  • Sorry Will…yeah…that’s an angle…you going to have to punch Harry real hard in the penis
  • Will’s mom has not done well since Will’s dad’s death.
  • Finally, can I drink the water? uh oh…it’s spiked!
  • Poor ole Will…Harry is a jerk face
  • Let’s make phone bombs! Let’s have a whole warehouse of phone bombs!
  • Will is a prisoner…
  • “Hey, why did I write pull on my hand? I don’t remember doing that…ooooh”
  • Will not good enough…but good enough to escape custody. Thanks June! He kept quiet about Vass…so June helped him out
  • Meanwhile in Russia…uh oh…
  • There ain’t nothing on that drive…Harry is playing you for a chump…chump
  • Harry is better than all of them…playing them against each other
  • June is a traitor? Nooo…Dangit Vass…
  • They didn’t promise anything…she just killed Rob cause they told her…even though she knew he wasn’t dirty
  • haha…Harry is convincing
  • Harry set all of this up to spend some quality training time with Will…he promised Will’s dad/mom he would keep him safe.
  • haha…Hasim’s wife is dead…for how long? They dig her up and brought here in the trunk.
  • When someone asks you to return their stuff…but you done broke it weeks earlier…you don’t bring that broke ass shit and show it to them and go…sorry. and then you put someone elses clothes on it…take some pictures and say it’s fine…it’s fine.
  • I’ll tell your whore you said goodbye
  • was it quick? 2 to the heart One for each of you…your mom and you
  • “anything?” “not a sausage.” is that a saying?
  • What a crappy sniper…you don’t shoot her in the chest…the head…always the head…also, don’t get me started on the velocity of the bullet
  • Qasim…My wife is dead…and so is my brother.
  • Nice…somebody left Harry a suicide pill?
  • Oh Harry…what would Ruth think of what you have done.
  • Man these people are master manipulators
  • Good thing Harry set a mind bomb in Will’s head…set to go off exactly when it was needed…oooh…Southwest Corner!
  • How did you make a choice like that? It’s my job
  • one week later…posioned
  • Who can tell the best lie…longest
  • So his plan is to leave her there with her niece while she bleeds out her arse!
  • Is that what got his dad killed? Wearing his wedding ring…because of Will
  • Will was not even born yet when his father died.

Categories
Film Sack Filmsack Notes Podcasts

Tremors 5: Bloodlines (2015) – Filmsack Show Notes

INTRO

Oh hi,

“Local South African dance choreographer and ass blaster impersonator Chance Naidoo here.

Please step back white people. I am about to blow your collective minds as I light my ass on fire and rocket skyward as if….well… as if my ass were on fire. Be envious as I do those really sweet vertical leaps using only my crazy strong calf muscles…yes…just like in National Geographic.

Uh oh. Things have gone horribly wrong! It appears instead of lighting the fuse to my home made phosphorus device… which I have stuck in my bum… I have mistakenly lit my penis on fire. Which I sometimes refer to as my “Graboid.” Damn these authentic South African Tribal Dance Attire and their crotchless fashion sense.”

Said no South African ever. Always be running.