The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982) – Filmsack Show Notes

INTRO

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Oh hi,

This week on Filmsack, we cock our triple-bladed SWORD AND THE SORCERER ranged melee weapon and take aim at this butt cheeky fantasy action film from 1982 now running around topless in the bathhouse of streaming services… Amazon Prime… like some kind of Manimal (old TV reference for flavor) who is incest vibing his sister… right after she pays her bedroom debts to the stranger. but then. Man, this movie is as horny as it is sorcery.  It needs a good nut kneeing.

Anywho, speaking of horny, I’ve got a thousand year woody from the witch who woke me from my slumber with a screaming wall of the heads of my victims followed up by suckling the sleep jelly from my gnarly half demon / half sorcerer E.T. hands and there is only one cure I know of…  her still beating heart in my grasp. Get over here. Gross.

Randy, Get to the point. I am weary.

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BRIEF

Talon (Lee Horsley), a swashbuckling mercenary with a mysterious past, returns to the land of his birth to dethrone the evil King Cromwell (Richard Lynch), who murdered his family. But Cromwell’s pact with a resurrected sorcerer complicates things, as Talon fights to reclaim his homeland, save a kidnapped princess, and unleash the power of his absurdly awesome three-bladed sword.

Rated: R | 1982 | Fantasy/Action | 1h 40m

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The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982) – This movie goes harder than a pair of Richard Moll demon nuts. #bonk those haven’t functioned in over a millennia.

SHOW NOTES

• • • • Swords and Saucery
      • Lower away… 
      • We must be in the boat…
      • Lo you now, of days long past.
      • Forever in the offering…. Veiled in the mist of legendary!
      • mmm… Rocky Crag.
      • Is that the same corner they filmed One eyed Willie from the goonies ship setting sail.
      • Somebody turn up the brightness. I bet this was awesome to see at the theater.  35mm?
      • Got that dreamy look.
      • Hey… footmen… just me and the core crew up here… wait for us back at the boats.
      • Oh this does not bode well… bunch of stone cold faces in the wall.
      • RANDY, GET ON WITH THIS WITCH!
      • uh… them faces are alive… good thing you brought the witch with you.
      • Nope… screaming faces in the wall… Stan Winston?  I need a screaming wall of faces. That is so the Horror comics come to life I used to read during the 70s.
      • Burble Burble Look… It Lives! The bubbly melted body of the devil?
      • Rise… he said Rise… the closed caption guy is like… mumble?
      • Who are thou? Come forth… lick the jelly from my bubbly flesh.
      • Stupid King Richard…
      • Prove to me your power… ok… Toss the witch then, take her heart…
      • As thou can see my art is powerful.
      • Xusia of Delos.. Thou shalt have their kingdom. 
      • Deal with the debil.
      • Ehdan was enjoying the peace… that only blowing wind with flower blooms can bring… and this Richard Beard.
      • Too much of this Kingly Life.
      • Richard don’t know what is coming. He is all about sitting in the flowery wind.
      • I am weak from my conjuring.
      • Randy, Get to the point. I am weary.
      • You shall sleep forever… you… you dare betray me… 
      • Tavis! My Son… 
      • Bring me a leech! No time for leeches!
      • Well the favorite son is dead…so I guess we must fall back on the dorkiest son.
      • Rise Sir Nerd Bowl Cut. It is your time. 
      • If I die son… Avenge me! Now take my triple blade action.
      • The Black Hordes.
      • Perhaps father should have taken his 3 bladed sword to battle.
      • Don’t worry about the king… save the queen!
      • Avenge your father another day.
      • Run young robbed Talon… fight another day. Henry Ded. Da baby ded. I’ll spare your daughter if you proclaim me king…
      • Damn stabby bitch. Talon got to watch each of his parents death.
      • This sword has shooty action. pew pew. Toy may be choking hazard.
      • Wait… your sword can shoot… well.. that is not fair.
      • For years the boy was to be hunted.
      • Meanwhile, years passed… you made a warrior.
      • A slave, a rogue, a cool dude.
      • But sir…
      • Why is Ray Romano hiding in the shadows behind his cloke.
      • Questions concerning the final conflict.
      • For 8 years I have submerged in the black sea… slept… now I conjured… and now I shall conquer.
      • 2 days time… the rise of the 7th moon.
      • Cromwell’s flesh shall be mine!
      • Meanwhile, Cromwell’s flesh….
      • Plans for the final conflict.. Meh.. you handle it.
      • Count Machelli Belly.
      • City Of Ehdan.
      • No animals allowed in here!
      • The Tavern is the place…
      • What kind of an animal are you.
      • Lord Mikah… the last legitimate heir. vs Cromwell.
      • Justice is its own reward… traitor… Machelli Belly.. Working both sides.
      • Cromwell’s whore got me the maps.
      • The rebellion begins tomorrow!
      • She is a hot for brother.
      • The Crown belongs to the people.
      • Alana is the real badass here… she keeps escaping.
      • Your Rebellion is over!
      • Now I poke you with my dagger… He’s talking about his penis. Nut shot. This guy took a shot to the nuts and he still wants some.
      • That is a small threat. A very small threat.
      • Just a leg or should I bring the whole cow.
      • Randy, I didn’t bring you here to get drunk… I brought you here to eat the whole cow.
      • I would pay anything for your sword.
      • 200 talons for Talon.. they names the money after the kid… seems sus.. Alright, anything you want… but for only 1 night.
      • 1 night with you… for dungeon delving for your brother? 
      • Randy, I expect my bounty perfumed and pretty.
      • I’m a sell sword.
      • Quiet Crackers.
      • Gonna need a sample.
      • Brash Hulk.
      • That guy that got pulled out of the room in the ladies tent… hilarious.
      • Come out and live… or stay and die… The choice is yours. – General Sparkle Shirt.
      • Stand by for torching.
      • Farmer rebellion. This is so DnD.
      • Cromwell Castle location Establishment shot.
      • haha… swords are penises in this movie.
      • oh Titus… take me… 
      • Randy, I will make love you to you like no one can.
      • Prison Food Wench! Now this is the dungeon I want to be tortured in. Oh.. it is for the king… never mind. Is this part of the torture… watching you put the moves on your woman.
      • Xusia died over 1000 years ago.
      • Xusia mocks me.
      • My God, man, there is a demon amongst our mists.
      • There would be traces of a serpent in his face… mad? perhaps.
      • There is only one way in… the dungeon sewer! Full of deadly sewer rats.
      • haha… the Quiet… do you want to get us caught… there are guards everywhere guy… that attitude kills me. Gulp
      • They intend to crucify us during  tomorrow’s feast.
      • Esta Deverous… the architect. They threw me in here 5 years ago… I was only 20. look at me now.
      • Secrets and more… Esta Devereux gonna give it to ya.
      • Elizabeth got the hots for Micha and the king knows it.
      • No one likes you Cromwell.
      • This adventuring music is good adventuring.
      • I swing my mace at you.
      • Sorry topless ladies sitting by the pool in the hothouse….I am guessing this is your job..
      • Welcome to the hot oil rubdown room… looks like they are treating her pretty good…. oh no… save me from the hot oil rubdown.
      • Who dies first… Cromwell the king… sure..
      • You think I am Xusia… you paranoid old turd.
      • I’m no sorcerer…but I will gladly test your steal.
      • mmm… your steel appears to be tastier than mine.
      • 2 finger knife fight!
      • I choose dagger fight in the dungeon sewers..
      • This assistant sucks.
      • What have you done to my Red Dragons.
      • The Warrior is to be crucified.
      • Cleanse my wounds!
      • Darius is always annoyed.
      • Roust the men.
      • Damn you Philip.
      • haha… Captain Morgan… and old cohort. 
      • that was the shortest adventure…
      • What’s on your mind potato head
      • oh no… Elizabeth has no tongue
      • Elizabeth is the real hero
      • it is a classic betrayal… have a red wedding. Cromwell is a genius… I am the genius! IT IS ME!
      • Welcome to the Katy Perry Party. We have food and a sacrifice. 
      • Is that Chief Talon… We owe this man… they all owe this guy.
      • it will be war… very well… let it be war.
      • Join hands… or don’t LATIN!
      • Then unlock this door wench!!
      • Don’t worry little girl… it don’t hurt until I hit the bone.
      • Head on the grinding wheel.
      • Talon gonna free himself. 
      • I … Do… not..
      • Talon slowly built up a loyal fanbase… now he is cashing in.
      • The end fight choreography with Talon is epic.
      • no… not my 3 bladed sword…
      • They always calling him the dog.
      • You go after Alana… gooo.
      • You can be a part of it… or a victim of it… he is about to get a knee to the groin… that is her go to move.
      • You are the strength you are the power…. you are the NUT CRUNCH!!  You Obey this.
      • See me Alana… Growl face.
      • Demon Nuts!
      • I have no quarrel with you.
      • Cromwell is mine… now we have a quarrel.
      • My melee is a range! Suck my sword damage.
      • I still got 2 blades left.
      • Sly Sword.
      • haha… you haven’t even seen my swords final form.
      • Does anybody else feel like they have a snake on them… I feel like a snake is on me.
      • Cromwell’s sword is really sharp… must be a Ginsu .
      • Who are you. Talon… Son of Richard…

      • Lee Horsley: The most confident shirtless man in fantasy cinema.

      • Surprise Demon!
      • Why the long faces. Good God you have snatched a kingdom!
      • and all that goes with it.
      • Nothing better than sex fighting to the death.

      • The three-bladed sword: Cool, impractical, perfect.

      • Kingdoms to save!
      •  

      • Richard Lynch as the villain: The hair, the stare, the flair.

      • The sorcerer Xusia: Undead, gross, possibly oozing.

      • Medieval politics: Not so much complex as very stabby.

      • Princess Alana: Rescued, rebellious, and… really patient.

      • Side characters with sideburns.

      • The fog machine budget: more than the armor budget.

      • Gratuitous dungeon slime.

      • That ending… sequel tease or fever dream?

      • Legacy: Cult classic status and its spiritual impact on Beastmaster and Conan rip-offs.

      • Would we use a triple-bladed sword in battle? No. Would we hang it on the wall? Yes

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