INTRO Oh hi, and welcome volunteer suckers….err…sackers. This week you may have made the bad life choice of agreeing to follow us into battle against Michael Bay’s 3 hour epic love story meets shoot ’em up meets I need another cup of coffee so I can stay awake until one Read more…
Yes this is 12 year old me calling from 1984 I just wanted to tell the older more experienced me in 2018….do not crap on my favorite things. You just keep your big mouth shut old man…and who are these people you are hanging out with in the future anyway…and where are my best friends Chuck and Amy…we said we would be friends forever and watch The Ice Pirates every day and play D&D every Friday night and drink Jolt Cola until we puked and then do it all over again!
Whatever, I don’t have time for this…The Ice Pirates is starting and we just got something called a “microwave” and I hear it is going to change how we make popcorn forever.
May all you haters end in thirst. Power to the people.
Psst…Ben…over here…it’s me…your pal Harry…Listen..dying here on the cellar floor has got me thinking about what’s important in life and our roles in society.
It’s like the universe is trying to tell us something man.
I mean, the dead are coming back to life and You, a black man, shooting me, a bald white man named Harry…irony… and my ghoul of a child eating my flesh…. and then there is my wife…she’s been on me all day like some kind dingle berry caught in my ass hair. Oh I’m “Harry” down there let me tell ya… in a very non ironic way…I wanna see Morissette sing about that, don’t ya think.
Anywho, what was I babbling on about? oh yeah…I just can’t die and come back to life and eat your flesh without telling you something first.
cough cough…I just want you to know…clear throat…I told ya so.
CELLAR FOR THE WIN. You’re in my house now bitch.
“Let’s stay upstairs…board up the windows and doors…blah blah blah…” How is that working out for ya Ben.
First Name Speed…Last Name Racer.
…and now it’s time for “What you talkin’ about Theme Song?”
Where I will do my best to present talking points and avoid singing along the way.
Here he comes, Here comes Speed Racer.
Hey, thanks for the heads up song writer. That’s not ominous at all.
He’s a demon on wheels, He’s a demon and he’s gonna be chasin’ after someone.
Let’s break that down. A “Demon on wheels;” Well, that is a thing we say about people who are driven.
However, the second mention of demon is not qualified with any sort of type. Which leads me to believe that this song is implying that Speed Racer is an actual demon. Well that changes things.
Oh what did you do Papa Racer!?
He’s gainin’ on you so you better look alive.
Holy crap. The “chasin’ someone” is now no longer in question. It’s “you” who the demon racer is chasing!
Also, there are rumors circulating that Speed Racer lures little kids and monkey’s with Candy into the trunk of his car!
You nothing but evil Speed Racer!
He’s busy revvin’ up a powerful Mach 5.
And when the odds are against him
And there’s dangerous work to do
You bet your life
Speed Racer, Will see it through.
A Life wager! Nope! Nuh uh! Nope!
Go Speed Racer! Go Speed Racer! Go Speed Racer, Go!
Straight back to hell ya doe eye’d demon!
Randy, what movie did you watch?
Man, all the ladies in this week’s filmsack movie are “smoking!” am i right? High five guys! Seriously though, why are all the ladies in this movie smoking tobacco products? I have concerns.
Oh….and Amanda Peet…more like Amanda’s Teets! Yeah, Ibbott knows what I’m talking about. You paused that so many times that even Blockbuster couldn’t rewind it. Up top brother! What…c’mon! Don’t leave me hanging!
Well, can I at least get a shout out to inappropriate mentor/student relations? Bruce Willis…40s hooks up with Amanda Peet in her 20s using his influence as a hitman hero. Wow, That whole story line just touched me….inappropriately…and deserves to go to jail.
Overall, I give this movie two teets up.
My eyes are up here Randy.