INTRO
[ppp_patron_only level=”1″ silent=”no”]You are seeing this hidden section because you are a Patreon Supporter. Thank you!
Oh hi,
This week on FilmSack, we grab a goblet full of “the special effects budget must have been huge” Martian wedding water “ohh sparkly” and telegraph our essence to the closest off world Disney Princess getting married for the second time today after the first one was broken up by Mr. JOHN CARTER of Earth who busts up in the place with this 2012 Action Adventure/Sci Fi Western, Gladiator, Tarzan, Star Wars, Pocahontas, Dune, Avatar, Ferngully thingy now darting around Disney Plus like a Desert Toad-Dog with a bad case of the zoomies… Who’s a good Desert Toad-Dog… Woola is… Woola’s a good Desert Toad-Dog…
Anywho, speaking of Desert Dogs… I wonder if these 4 armed tusked aliens have any moist white powder for my John Carter of “Wind Burned Nips.” My Carter knobs are about to secede from the Union. Forget Nine Rays, I’ve got a pair of nuclear cherries that could destroy this planet.
Randy, Stand behind me, this might get dangerous… ohhh… sexy and lethal… apologies, after you ma’am
[/ppp_patron_only]
BRIEF
Based on Edgar Rice Burroughs’ pulp novels, John Carter follows a disillusioned Civil War veteran (Taylor Kitsch) who is mysteriously transported to Mars, or Barsoom, where he becomes embroiled in an epic conflict between warring tribes. With newfound superpowers thanks to Mars’ weaker gravity, Carter must unite the planet’s inhabitants to save Princess Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins) and stop a sinister plot. Disney hoped it would launch a franchise—what they got instead was one of the most infamous box office bombs of all time.
2012 | Rated PG-13 | Action/Adventure/Sci-Fi | 2h 12m
LINKS
IMDB: John Carter (2012)
Wikipedia: John Carter Wiki
Rotten Tomatoes: RT Page
TVTropes: TV Tropes
WHERE TO WATCH
Streaming: [Check availability on JustWatch]
TRAILER/CLIPS
Social Media Post
[ppp_patron_only level=”1″ silent=”no”]You are seeing this hidden section because you are a Patreon Supporter. Thank you!
John Carter (2012) – Like leaving your body to watch this movie in a dusty cave on Earth while your facsimile parties with a princess on Mars. We’d all rather be somewhere else. #JumpMan
[/ppp_patron_only]
SHOW NOTES
[ppp_patron_only level=”1″ silent=”no”]You are seeing this hidden section because you are a Patreon Supporter. Thank you!
- I heard this is Tarzan on Mars… let’s find out.
- Rad Disney.
- “Mars. So you name it and think that you know it. The red planet, no air, no life. But you do not know Mars, for its true name is Barsoom. And it is not airless, nor is it dead, but it is dying. The city of Zodanga saw to that.”
- Air pirates! 2 Cities remain on the dying planet. One is a walking city.
- Durn that new weapon Snapped those folks.
- We bring you the Witchblade… and I instantly use it on you.
- Tuccci?
- We server the Goddess… So say the 3 bald gods. You are the chosen one…
- Meanwhile in New York City 1881… back on earth.
- People in hats and Umbrellas and suits…as you do.
- Ten words a min … special delivery it is.
- Hey Ned!! Come see me.
- They named Ned … Mr. Burroughs… as in the creator of Tarzan and John Carter? Dope.
- Captain Carter has a butler?
- No sooner had he stopped digging one hole before he started digging another… always looking for something.
- Jack Carter… ?
- You won’t find a keyhole…. good luck… my tomb is a mystery… open it.
- Ok… I am confused. Is the nephew’s name Edgar Rice Burrows or Ned?
- 25 year trust.
- My Dear Randy, I used to take you on my knee.
- 13 years ago…. 1868 … between something and the back side of hell.
- The neighbor from that 70s show.
- Randy, not one more word about your cave of gold.
- Beans… The first item is Beans.
- Holy smokes…
- He likes to fight… a born fighter…
- I have paid in full sir.
- hey hey hey… I gave you a bucket… why you pissing on my floor.
- The Apache ain’t interested in your spider hidey hole.
- There is gold in them there spider hills.
- Barsoom.
- The red planet appears to be yellow on the surface.
- stupid gravity… uh oh… I lost my travel token.
- it is just one native after another… no matter what panet.
- Hands up.
- If Helium falls… so does Barsooooom
- They discovered the 9th ray.
- She is making her own thingy… too bad they have a saboteur in their midst.
- Wait… is she a Disney Princess? She has to marry the bad guy.. so Disney.
- Randy, lets prepare ourselves for a wedding.
- I discovered your 4 arm baby farm…
- The Tuskmen of mars.
- You are as blind as a white ape.
- It is called Virginia…. let’s keep up the Virginia joke.
- Drink this universal translator juice.
- Nice Monster Dog.
- He is a fast Monster dog.
- I will backhand you with all 4 of my arms.
- You will jump Virginia.
- Let Red Men Kill Red Men until only Thark remains.
- They are red skin… blue bloods.
- Tharks!
- Randy, I surrender… you may take me captive.
- You are ugly… but you are beautiful.
- Virginia fights for us.
- Everybody is always wanting me to fight for them.
- Dotar Sojat… I am Dotar Sojat. save my lady.
- You ship cannot sail on light… rave about the time of water.
- Jump for me.
- Earth is Jasoom… you are on Basoom…
- You are a Thern…
- Go on… shake it… it is a sign of trust.
- Randy, I told you it is forbidden.
- They must all die in the Arena…
- I got no more room for a mark.
- My right arms offend me. I shall cut them off.
- I ride the fast dog. Go Go.
- Still playing the Mad Man… or the liar.
- I like this plan better.
- oooh… A princess of Mars.
- Look at my cave of gold!
- I love their little light ships.
- The Iss…
- He riding with 2 princesses… one 4 armed ugly and one pretty one? and a fast dog.
- John Carter of chapped nipples.
- Spider Tech… Nine Rays…
- You are John Carter of Earth… Now I believer you.
- I was telegraphed here… like a fax… I was faxed here.
- From the moment you caught me in the sky… I knew you.
- I keep seeing flashes of my dead wife and kids… I’m broken.
- Those are some angry Tharks.
- I got 1 superpower… jumpies.
- I was too late once… I won’t be again.
- Woola go… you big headed dog.
- I am going to bury these aliens like I buried my wife and child…
- Randy, all you have to do is marry me.
- He knocks out easy.
- It’s a little vulgar in my opinion.
- I do not exist…
- Immortal ain’t bulletproof. I shot one of you back on earth.
- yay. Podracing
- Woola will follow you anywhere.
- nooo.. Thanks do not fly.
- Randy, your spirit annoys me.
- We are strong…
- No that is a white ape.
- Ripped in half Thark… that ain’t Disney like.
- I claim the right to challenge.
- and a decapitation… now he is bathed in the blood of his enemy… it is blue.
- Tharks do not fly.
- This movie has everything…. including a last second wedding interruption. Wait… don’t drink that wedding water!
- This lady don’t need saving.
- Stupid eternals… always screwing up stuff.
- Let’s get married Virginia…
- got that sudden feeling that you left a light burning.
- Don’t just toss crap off a tower that could kill everyone.
- So his body was just back on earth… rotting in a cave.
- Like a fool who threw away his Medallion.
- The dern therns
- I feel unwell… call the doctor… and my attorney.
- If my body on earth dies on earth… then so does my copy on mars.
- In the time it took you to read this…
- Ned is just bait.
- 25 years until his body dies here?
- Take up a cause. Fall in Love. Write a book.
- Confederate soldier with a heart of gold, or just a guy who keeps yelling “I don’t fight for anyone” while literally fighting for everyone?
- The Civil War flashbacks that nobody asked for.
- Arizona gold mines are apparently portals to Mars. Sure, why not.
- Barsoom! Sounds like a discount vodka brand.
- The Tharks are cool, but also… kinda look like green Jar Jars with tusks.
- Dejah Thoris deserves better than all this exposition.
- The super-jump powers are fun until you realize he’s basically Space Mario.
- Woola the alien doggo steals the whole movie. MVP. Protect at all costs.
- Mark Strong shows up looking like Voldemort with a tan.
- “Dotar Sojat” is just Martian for “John Who?”
- The wedding plotline: because nothing says sci-fi epic like royal matrimony paperwork.
- Flying ships powered by blue energy: steampunk meets Hot Topic.
- The arena fight with giant white apes is peak pulp, peak silly.
- Why is there so much desert? Oh right, it’s Mars. And also Utah.
- Somewhere Edgar Rice Burroughs is laughing and cashing ghost checks.
- John Carter: the man, the myth, the flop that made Disney buy Star Wars instead.
- Alternate title: “Confederates on Mars.”
- That ending cliffhanger screamed “sequel bait,” but the audience said “nah.”
- At least Willem Dafoe as Tars Tarkas made it weirdly classy.
- They cut the “of Mars” from the title, then cut $200 million from the budget returns.
- This movie is the reason Taylor Kitsch went into Hollywood witness protection.
[/ppp_patron_only]
