INTRO
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Oh hi,
This week on FilmSack, we Yo G.I. JOE: RETALIATION by swapping out our favorite HAZ-BRUH Duke Tatum action figure with a DWAYNE “THE ROADBLOCK” JOHNSON after the former meets an untimely end due to a lack of interest and not a firecracker and the latter is SAVED BY THE WELL while attempting to carry the whole Joe franchise on his huge swole back pecks… at least until the Mountain Ninjas with Zipguns B-Story Line shows up and steals the show. SNAKE EYES!
Anywho, welcome to the “Room Full Of Nuclear Briefcases” symposium. We in the US call ours a football… because it is brown and football shaped? That ain’t right… but we obviously all shop at the same doomsday online tech shop. Oh look at that. Made in China… who would have thunk. Now who wants to be the first to launch all their nukes into the stratosphere and then blow them up and of course create no global consequences at all. Nobody… alright… me first then.. ya bunch of Chuck-A-Lucks
Randy, You betrayed the Hard Master… and that makes me feel… weird? Also, could you please stop saying Hard Master.
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BRIEF
The Joes are framed, betrayed, and mostly wiped out by Cobra’s political infiltration. The survivors — led by Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson) — regroup with Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow, Lady Jaye, and even General Joe Colton (Bruce Willis) to stop Cobra Commander’s plan for global nuclear chaos. Expect sword fights on cliffs, tanks in the desert, gadgets that only work once, and dialogue that sounds like it was written in Hasbro’s boardroom.
2013 | Rated PG-13 | Action/Adventure/Sci-Fi | 1h 50m
LINKS
IMDB: G.I. Joe: Retaliation
Wikipedia: Wiki Page
Rotten Tomatoes: RT Page
TVTropes: TV Tropes
WHERE TO WATCH
Streaming: [Check availability on JustWatch]
TRAILER/CLIPS
Social Media Post
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G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013) – like a game of nuclear briefcase BattleShip. You sunk my… hopes for a good Joe Movie. #HAZ-BRUH #DukesDead
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SHOW NOTES
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- Why this sound like Transformers.
- Who has a bro… you do!
- DMZ North Korea…
- Hot Hands!
- You ready with that 18 year old aim?
- Anyone ever tell you that you fight ugly?
- Since the end of the Nanomite wars, Captain Duke now heads Joe Tactical Operations. Under his command are Roadblock, Lady Jaye, Flint, and Snake Eyes. Cobra Commander and Destro are in Joe’s captivity and secure at a maximum-security prison in Germany. Cobra Operatives Storm Shadow and Zartan are not yet apprehended. Cobra Commander’s final vow was retaliation
- Damnit Flint.
- Destro… man with the shiny head and fancy pin suit.
- I need you… I need you now.
- Can you use the care package thingy.
- Sure are a lot of fast cuts in this movie… fast cuts and motion shots… never holding still.
- Get me the GI Joes.
- Duke is the guy…
- Put a live round in your mouth.
- Adrian Padalekkkeekky. Lady J
- Randy, girls with guns.
- Brother Block…In the immortal words of Jay Z… Hell yeah.
- that line drop from the plane is pretty cool… more line work.
- Stunts are pretty sweet so far… this movie sucks at dialogue and over the top cockiness…. however, these stunts are tight and shot in a tasty way.
- The music is of its time
- Wii Combat Shooter paying off.
- Home in time for Top Chef.
- Action is routine… everything is going to plan.
- You pull a trigger, I pull a trigger.
- Randy, you didn’t tell me about the karaoke machine.
- The president is not the president.
- I’m the quicker blower upper, baby.
- Did they just kill Duke? I haven’t been this upset since they killed Optimus Prime.
- Saved by the Well. JUMP IN!
- The 6 legged beast known as The Rock, Padelecki and that other guy.
- Snake eyes betrayed us!
- Let’s take Snake Eyes on a evil lair tour.
- Snake eyes speak! What is this bullshit.
- Ha… that ain’t Snake Eyes. That is Storm Shadow.
- Everything is a Rumor of a Rumor now… we don’t exist.
- … and i voted for him
- Nerve inhibitors…
- Tiny little firefly drones.
- Sexy like Stormshadow… welcome to hell.
- explosive disassembly motobike.
- Cobra Commander got no ears… like a snake.
- Destroy is out of the band.
- Firefly…
- Destro is dead?
- Take him to the mountains to heal…
- Joes are taking desert walk-about
- I got it up to 60 in the Dyno… the working title. HISS
- Soon the world will cower in the face of Zues.
- Always good to know we aren’t running low on crazy.
- Jinx… Cousin to Storm Shadow….. thanks for explaining.
- Is it even training if it is not some blind guy in powdered eye brows… Ancient secret.
- Just 3 joes dressed in all black.
- That’s what happens when you in trouble… you go home.
- I’ll cyber-blast every few hours.
- Lady Jaye
- you know and kind of.
- Chuckle Lucks… never heard of it.
- Shut your mouth Brenda
- I got a bag of dog tags.
- Imposter President.
- Storm Shadow is almost healed up.
- We got falling ninjas!
- Snake ain’t fooling around… he brought a gun to a throwing star fight.
- No doubt about it.. Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow are the best thing about these Joe movies.
- Ladies fight ladies… men fight men.
- I like how they mix in Western Fighting methods with Snake Eyes from time to time.
- Red Ninjas! … Lots of Red Ninjas!
- If those red ninjas keep spider ninja guns on themselves why didn’t those first ones save themselves…. oh… I see… they aren’t good at it.
- Mountain ninjas are cool.
- You got a blade… your opponent is on a rope… you just cut their rope. duh.
- How many Red Ninjas you guys got!?.. Finishing move? Avalanche!
- Lady Jaye just using her womanly wiles. Fox News… Fair and Balanced.
- Facial Recognition…..
- Zartan…
- She’s a Joe… such a popular trick of the day… Get out… get out… already out.
- Firefly vs Roadblock… fight!
- I really want to see that face… Dude is still making payments.
- GI Joe… Party of Three… your movie is ready.
- You shed the “Hard Master’s” Blood…
- Randy, did you kill the Hard Master?
- Retcon! Zartan did it.
- CRT Curvature sexy.
- Everybody got damage.
- Zartan is a real turd sprinkle.
- I think I’m faster than you Randy, Damn Ninjas.
- Open up that couch.
- Alright, lets kick that ass.
- Just call me Joe.
- A whole room full of Briefcases.
- The El Camino of Doom!
- Abort. Oh sure… we launched all our nukes and blew them up in the atmosphere… what could possibly go wrong.
- Shooting rods into the ground and blowing up stuff. No fallout. Just death.
- I want it all.
- Cobra Eyes. Auto drop sequence.
- Only for a price… total allegiance.
- Nothing matters but the briefcase.
- Drop Rod.
- Fast tank.
- Sorry Mr. President… had to shoot Potus in the arm.
- You betrayed the Hard Master.
- The Nano bots are like… gross… dead human.
- Cobra Commander out.
- BOAT CHASE!
- haha… Road block always has the bigger equipment. Still can’t kill firefly.
- Your space rods are just space trash now.
- Perimeter has not been secured…. maybe it has.
- Slow file in walk to.
- The world knows them as Joes… the world knows them as action movie stars.
- Whoa… he just gonna shoot a gun at a ceremony.
- Starts with the most awkward “previously on” catch-up in movie history.
- Duke (Channing Tatum) dies in the first act — thanks for coming back, Channing.
- Roadblock (The Rock) instantly becomes the franchise’s new dad.
- Lady Jaye’s big skill? Changing outfits and distracting men.
- Snake Eyes + Storm Shadow = the only part people remember.
- That mountain-side ninja zipline fight is still awesome though.
- Bruce Willis literally plays “Old Man Joe” with a garage full of weapons.
- Cobra replaces the President with Zartan — flawless latex mask logic.
- World leaders basically play nuclear chicken while London gets vaporized.
- Nanobot warheads = Hasbro science.
- Jonathan Pryce deserves an award for “having the most fun.”
- Firefly’s exploding firefly drones… subtle.
- Snake Eyes framed, Storm Shadow redeemed. Toy aisle drama!
- Ending: Cobra loses again, Joe wins, but somehow feels like setup for a toy commercial.
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