Categories
Filmsack Notes

Prince Of Darkness

Prince Of Darkness (1987) – Alright, the end of times is over. All you hobos can go home now. Oh wait. Carry on. Has anyone seen Susan? The Radiologist. With  Glasses. Homosexual Panic

Twitter:

Prince Of Darkness –  Like a Test tube antichrist spitting up evil mouth squirts this movie will make you puke. Panic.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093777/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prince_of_Darkness_(film)

 

Stuff I Loved:

Latin!

Did The Prince Of Darkness give you that moustache?

Homosexual Panic

The father of Satan!

Crazy Christ

Susan is very forgettable. (The radiologist…with glasses)

Ok. The anti christ has been banished. All the hobos can go home now. oh wait. they don’t have a home.

Got an anti-god complex

apparently in the future…aka 1999 we can send messages back through time. at least as far back as the 80’s. Also, We took to calling the year’s by one-9-9-9…hey…the mark of the beast..upside down plus 1!

The middle child of John Carpenter’s apolyptic triology

Categories
Filmsack Notes

Damnation Alley

Damnation Alley (1977) –  Things you never heard after this movie in 1977. Thank the gods this movie has good special effects to make up for the bad accents. Just watch my style son

Twitter:

Damnation Alley – Perry is dead. It don’t mean this movie is good or bad. It just means Perry is dead.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075909/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Damnation_Alley_(film)

 

Stuff I Loved:

Is that mustache for real?

Just watch my style son

Those scorpions look real good

Stop drop and roll was not a thing during the 70s apparently

Who doesn’t want a triangle of wheels on their vehicles. All Terrain!

What accent is it that Peppard is using? He only uses it part of the time. Is it the mustache?

You have 2. Trucks. and everybody else is dead. Do you really need codenames for the trucks to announce who you are when you are talking to each other. LandMaster 1 to LandMaster 2.

Just like your family car…cept…well…nothing like your family car.

“Just call me when you want me to drive this mother”

XERE

Good thing this movie has good special effects to make up for the bad accents.

Great, We spent 2 days on naming these stupid vehicles and practice calling each other and 30 minutes into our trip we kill Perry and only have 1 truck.

I can just imagine them coming home from the grocery store. Stalker!

Bad Point Of View Actor. Actor who can not see the 6000 killer cockroaches surrounding them until they see 1 random roach.

This girl is a scream queen.

Roaches hate fire extinguishers.

I’m sure Scott has never seen the Big Salt Lake Gas Station.

That kid has deadly aim. Poor StringFellow Hawke didn’t have a chance.

The “Tour Director” joke is getting old. We get it. We don’t have anything anymore.

Categories
Filmsack Notes

XXX

XXX (2002)  124 min  Rated PG-13

xXx, pronounced “Triple X”, is a 2002 American action film directed by Rob Cohen and starring Vin Diesel as Xander Cage, a thrill seeking extreme sports enthusiast, stuntman and rebellious extreme sport athlete-turned-reluctant spy for theNational Security Agency who is sent on a dangerous mission to infiltrate a group of potential terrorists in Central Europe. xXx also stars Asia Argento, Samuel L. Jackson, and Marton Csokas.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0295701/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/XXX_(film)

Opener: What…this ain’t no fancy secret agent party like usual. It’s a German Rave with special guest band Rammenstien. Hmmm…no matinis and I may be over dressed. ahhh…I’ve been shot…oh great…now the crowdsurfing …I should never have deviated from set parameters. Damn you suit!! Why didn’t I listen to my wife and wear my gucci beaver pelt pimp suit.  

Twitter: XXX – James Bond goes all X-games in this spy thriller from the early 2000’s and not once did it Deviate from set parameters. expect that one part throughout the whole movie.

Stuff I Loved:

Death to Bond like heroes by the new bad ass’eries

“What…this is a fancy secret service ball…this is some kind of German Rave.

Two Face Jackson

“Deviated from set parameters.” – who talks like that.

Anarchy 99…they can smell the training on our agents…because they show up to Raves in a 3 piece suit.

Who goes to spy school…for reals.

Apparently, the old way doesn’t cut it. We need the new hotness…not the old and busted…dang…I wish we could have watched Bad Boys instead.

Hey, that dude has a tattoo like all the brand marketing for this movie.

Hodgekiss…Senator Hodgekiss.

Man..this movie looks old. Who uses cameras anymore…he would totes be using an iphone steaming it like to youtubes today.

The Zander Zone? Can I get you a zine to read?

This movie is full of rock. Let the bodies hit the floor….we just had that in the movie last week.

Moral is…Don’t be a Dick….Dick.

Who invited Tony Hawk and crew.

Superman Seat Grab Barrel Roll

Keeping it real…this whole movie.

I got an underground website.

I live for this shit? what… jerked out of the back of a plane.

I am going to throw you a beating.

Superman Seat Grab To The Face….

Somebody might want to calibrate the mini guns on the helicopter.

When Samuel L. Jackson ask you if you want to get on a plane. You say…are there snakes involved? Then you get on the plane no matter the answer.

Anarchy 99 Game.

Good Guy XXX – shows disenchanted teen Anarchy 99 and some parental attention he ain’t getting from his mom and new step dad…who’s a douche for snoring..

cranberry club soda…shaken….noooo!

My friends call me X….since triple X is too hard

“bitches come.”

Check out my old lady fur jacket. Pimp Jacket

x-ray glasses….clothes…oh….can see bra….ooo…wait….too far…i can see her colon/spleen

How hard is it to get european cars in Europe.

This is no time for being fun.

Oh she is making the money sign.

Vin Diesel likes the old cars

Worst cop ever.

Perv’s. You are looking for 1 hour 3 minutes in.

Addendum….1 hour and 7 minutes in….if you are into a pile of naked ladies.

Well what do you know…xXx is not good at taking orders….Go home Xander.

What are they building? A land speeder?

awww…solar powered death weapon. How green.

Blue and Green makes…Death.

I sure hope he don’t need those scientists.

Oh…now you run….

Yo…dudes…you got some diesel in your cave ceiling.

Junction box for alarm includes entire underground lair lights.

If you have a revolver…you have to spin it after you check the chambers…even if the chambers are contains bullets that range from paint to explosives.

All I want is Samuel L. Jackson’s Approval.

I think I should start walking into to room and asking stuff like “Does anybody know how to fly a plane….” “Is anyone here a doctor?….” What other things do people ask a group of people out of desperation.

Would like to see this same philosophy in a kindergarten class.

Snowboarding. Yeah!!

Avalanche!! If you see a mountain of ice in a movie…you know there is going to be an avalanche…or some kinky sex…occasionally you will get an amputation…it’s never a happy story…well….maybe the kinky sex. But as a rule…if they lug the camera equipment to the snowy peaks…something big is going to happen.

You have a bazooka

Yeah…how accurate is that heat seeking missile…but at least they did follow their own rules…they set up the smoking thing pretty early on.

Love the music.

Ahab..

That dude has a remote for everything…how does he keep up with all of them.

isn’t every hard top convertable pretty much have the ejectable roof when you unlatch it at 60 mph

What’cha talking about Vin Diesel. – When he says he wants a video camera

Save us Vin Deisel

Aww…all those poor people are about to be like white lab mice. UNLESS!!

Wait…was this all a test?

What can you do under the water for 3 minutes…I mean…besides die.

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Categories
Filmsack Notes

The One

The One (2001)  87 min  Rated PG-13

A sheriff’s deputy fights an alternate universe version of himself who grows stronger with each alternate self he kills.

Director:

 James Wong

Writers:

 Glen Morgan, James Wong

Stars:

 Jet Li, Carla Gugino, Delroy Lindo |

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_One_(2001_film)

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0267804/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Opener: Wait wait wait. First, kudos on the automatic chair straps…I’m in here tight… ..zip zip zip…very cool….second…did he say penal colony? or penile colony. I just need to know how much I need to struggle here. 

He’s doing 50!

Twitter: The One- A Kind of Multiverse Ground Hog Day meets Highlander without the charm of Bill Murray or Sean Connery. But we did have Jet Li going 50. so…yeah.

Stuff I Loved:

Highlander of the multiverse

Do we need voice over and subtitles

Police bullet proof helmet. Less than bullet proof

Let the bodies hit the floor.

He’s doing 50…as long as he doesn’t slow down he shouldn’t blow up wildcat

Our muscle car has a turbo sound.

I can’t hear you…

My gun goes pew pew pew

The only person who can kick Jet Lee’s but. Is Jet Lee!!

I know it was a lot of setup…but I found the keys to this truck in the garage in the hopes you would still be standing in the carport after a long bit of banter with Jason Statham.

Multiverse travel is painful.

Victim 119 Jude Law. Promethius Universe. Doh!

Lawless…uh huh

Is that some sort of body scanner? Nope…it’s a glowing vibrator

Movie Auto Straps…Cause in the future…people don’t got time for strapping

Penal colony in the hades universe

rational murder

is that a paper clip hanging out of that’s rat’s anus. look at the size of that skroat!

Bush’s universal healthcare?

Only in Prime universe is Jet Li a good guy.

Not only are there multiple universes…but apparently all of them are just a little bit timeshifted.

This is like a Multiverse Ground Hog day.

Prime Universe. The only Universe that matters.

How come he ain’t going 50

sorry…no bad news today…maybe later.

Why is alternate universe Jet Li not have a goatee.

Already getting a feeling that this movie is going to end with a “No..It’s me!! I’m the real Jet Li…shoot him…” moment

ha! not unless he had one put in this morning in reference to penile implant.

A wedding ring and a necklace

Ha! He looks like a robot in that MRI head gear

Most aspirated x-ray tech ever. “WHAT! HOLD STILL!! I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO DO THIS TWICE”

No! He got out…now we have to start the x-ray all over again.

Jet Li crawls funny.

My gun makes laser sounds.

shoot M.R.I. machine…it’s full of smoke

Worst security camera operator ever.

Who cocks a shotgun and then uses it to restrain someone.

One thing wrong with this theory. What if the converse happens. All of the you’s die in every universe…but one of you happens to survive. Wouldn’t that make you The One.

If you get into “The Shit”

that girl girl stuff

Answers come without thinking. Hey…am I the one? of just a no thinking smartass.

an energy…string…wave….don’t be mixing theories

can punch through a van…can’t beat up old partner

Why yes…I am going to beat you up with a couple of motorcycles.

hehe…hey….what are you guys doing…stop kicking my signs down. I know gas prices are high but c’mon!! Yeah yeah…falling prices…fuck you.

Why is it a martial arts movie wet dream to fight yourself? Equal matching for a good fight? something more metaphorical?

With all the sparks it is like “The Greatest Man Alive”

Lots of modern rock….well modern in 2001

The slow mo works in this movie.

Jet Li has the shirt wipe thinkg for his bruce lee…bring it on nose bleed.

haha…”That order is bullshit!”

He sent him to the pleasure planet. Was there not already a law there?

Fresh meat boys

Most awesome ending to a movie

They didn’t lock me in here with you…they locked you in here with me.

Penile Implant Colony! NOOOOO…

 

Categories
Filmsack Notes

The Octagon

The Octagon (1980)  103 min Rated R

The Octagon is a 1980 action film starring Chuck Norris, Karen Carlson and Lee Van Cleef. It was directed by Eric Karson and written by Paul Aaron and Leigh Chapman. It was filmed in Los Angeles, California and released on August 14, 1980. It is notable for its inventive use of ‘voice over’ effects to portray the inner life of Chuck Norris’s character, Scott James. This was actor Richard Norton’s film debut.[2]

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081259/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Octagon_(film)

Opener: Alright….I know as Ninjas…we aren’t suppose to talk to each other…buuuuut…Van Cleef is down there shooting a ninja in the back as we repel down. we need a better ninja escape plan. NINJA SMARTER!

Twitter: The Octagon – Like a good childhood Hog story shared with chuck norris….at first it amuses you…then you feel sad ….cause you remembered you ate him..and he was delicious

Stuff I Loved:

Does anyone know? How can they, at the beginning. There is no perspective

Clever title logo – the O in Octagon is AN OCTAGON

Time for a little drummer boy…that means the soldiers!

Uh oh…Tree Ninjas. the Irish vs Ninjas?

There ain’t no French Ninjas…they are too snooty.

Hey man…this ninja is eyeballing me.

“These new round of recruits you brought me are not asian!”

Hey look…it’s one of them haunted baby strollers…nope…they got the mini guns…pew pew pew.

Cut to Norris enjoying a show. Bomp Bomp…Bu-da…Bomp Bomp…

Pretty but not too pretty…just like Ibbott

A.J. did you call me a space cadet?

My pickup line. “I really enjoyed your performance.” Only Chuck norris could pick up a chic on that lame line.

If a girl tells you people tell her…shes a psychic…run…no…run faster

Margarita!

Salt keeps me from puking! Porcelain Worship…what a horrible first dinner date conversation.

There is someone here…haha…inner monologue…now tell me who is crazy.

This was back in the day…when you got stabbed…you died in a movie. Always. Today you have to do the gut move.

I guess that lady wasn’t too psychic. Did she see that knife to the gut?

OMG….NINJA! But they don’t exist anymore

For a minute I thought this movie was going to take a different turn. I thought Chuck had killed that ladies family because he had some kind of ninja flash back

Step forward…haha…sucka! Into the bitching pit.

Terrorists!

The coffee shop next to the gym.

2 hours in the sound booth with Chuck Norris whispering inner monologue

Have you hugged your rifle today?

Lee Van Cleef is wearing one of his wife’s earrings.

“So…I ran into some Ninjas last night.”

Look here Winston….go catch some ghosts.

Hey…popped collar…you are next.

Damsel in distress in a fur coat.

“Provided our bumpers match.” I was wrong…that was the worst pickup line.

Dumbass….let a lady take your car.

Wouldn’t it have been easier to just shoot him.

That bitch took my keys!

This is the Ninja weapons rundown montage.

Sai….Nunchucks…

Don’t you miss the days when Dobermans were the bad ass dogs

Would you like to come in….uh lady….I am already in.

LLoyd Liverpool was my Beetles Cover Band name

Dooble dee dooble dee…piano music for tense foot chases. add a moraca for flavor

If you got enough air to scream…you don’t enough air to breathe

mmm….pontiac firebird. Always wanted one.

Do you know what we do to dead people in our ninja drill. Kick your ass.

I’m a Ninja in a tree.Tree Ninja

“I have the most confident looking cheekbones.”

Neen-ja

“It makes me stupid…and you a whore.” What an ass.

They are using words that I don’t even know. Rock Heart?

French Ninja! Hey French ninja…say it in English…for the audience…cause I am Asian

Ninja throwing star to the neck!! This has all the best ninja weapons.

They turned my Dojo into a hoe down. wTH

Are you beedy…beedy beedy beedy.

Could Beedy be anymore creepy.

Yeah…give him a chance..let him sit…get your crotch display chair

Gold ole Frenchie.

What the hell does that mean…the constipated type?

I’m with Chuck’s brother…he was a cheater..he was all pushing and stuff.

Wow…it don’t take much to be rejected by your Ninja daddy.

See ya Ninjas….remember…we are watching.

Wow…I don’t feel like a ninja.

2nd week in a row we have seen a movie with a brown cargo van.

Did you just hiss at me?

Fur Mart Building…hehe..what the hell kind of name is that.

Don’t blow on the fur.

A lot of dead brothers.

Chuck Norris wanted to change the world

We have seen some bad ninjas in movies…are these the worst?

Ding Ding Ding…somebody knows how to heighten tension with a triangle.

Nnja Pillow fight!!

You attack Chuck Norris while he sleeps…cause you think he is at this weakest. You are wrong…he is never weak.

Ninja Escape Plan? Get shot in the back as you repel down the building. There is no Ninja Escape Plan.

heheh…forget it…I’ll loan you my shampoo…have you seen my hair

Hey..ole senior one arm is playing chess against the old man in UP

Hey….your truck aint’ got no windshield…or doors!

Everyone assumes Chuck Norris is sleeping with these ladies…but he is a virgin.

Your Hog story amuses me…now I am sad.

Sorry…I don’t have sex…it saps my Ninja Strength…oh what the hell. BOOBIES!

How you reckon you gonna sneak up on Ninja Camp. We are Ninja Camp!!

Awww….the classic…Just stay here in the car woman. Nope…

“Always feel like…Ninja’s watching me!.Invading my Privacy…hiyaa hiyaaa”

“They were Ninja fighting!! Those dudes were fast as…gah…throwing star in my neck! *collapse”

what advantage would it be to the ninjas attacking Norris in their camp to be ninja quite…see this is why the Ninja way is extinct.

What were those dudes doing in the dunkers that required zipping up.

“Don’t kill him!!” Like you could kill Chuck Norris

Chick in the bucket. An actually Octagon!

Expected him to demask the one hissing ninja and him to be a gila monster

You just knew that ninja was going to come back out on fire..

Finally, I didn’t think anyone was ever going to kill A.J.

I see your monkey claw style fighting….I give you…foot to the balls.

Is that Rudy! OMG I’m pretty sure that is Samwise

Wow…that was kind of anticlimactic.

Categories
Filmsack Notes

The Amityville Horror

The Amityville Horror (1979)  117 min Rated R

The Amityville Horror is a 1979 American supernatural horror film, directed by Stuart Rosenberg, based on the bestselling 1977 novel of the same name by Jay Anson. It is the first movie in the Amityville Horror franchise. A remake was produced in 2005.

The story is based on the alleged real life experiences of the Lutz family who buy a new home on 112 Ocean Avenue, in Amityville, New York, a house where a mass murder had been committed the year before. After the family move into the house, they experience a series of frightening paranormal events.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Amityville_Horror_(1979_film)

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0052564/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Opener: Little Red Room…improv….good luck

Honey, You are not going to believe what I found in the basement! and by found…I mean located with my sledgehammer….Red Room! Red Rooooom. Oh! we could put a pet bed down here…or we could keep the kids toys down here..sooo many options. Oh…what’s this…looks like a witches teet. Wait…there’s a little sign…”Doorbell To Hell.” Well hot damn!! Hello satan eww…ew… Stupid flies.

Twitter: The Amityville Horror – About an hour into this movie I suggest abandoning your popcorn & soda. Jump into your station wagon and & haul ass.

Stuff I Loved:

The Doorbell to Hell.

3:15

The “Sure” Lady.

The “Play It Cool” trope. When buying a big ticket item.

This is an extra room…aka…the kill room!

Oh man…if they see those cut scenes then the property value is going to drop!

If you see any shitty furniture you want to include…just let us know…we will include it in the price.

nothing creepy here….just sneaking around your new house blessing things. I blessed your toilet 3 times…but it still wouldn’t flush.

I hung up a few fly strips.

Hey….what’s this? it looks like….a doorbell….a doorbell to hell…..bing bong satan….hello?

Hey…you got a priest puking on your lawn

awww….dad and son matching flannel

Tits…Superman is going to be mad.

Cats are stupid

What a nice 70s Brown Cargo Van

Stupid Paper Bags

“Don’t ever grab a man’s ass when he has an axe in his hands”

A weeks worth of groceries in 2 bags. What the hell did you buy woman.

Stupid ass sneaking kids

Who the hell is Jody….and why the hell don’t she like sugar cookies…that’s unAmerican.

Father Boner.

One of those Flu things.

The Laughing nun. No one not getting sex should be laughing that much.

Priests and Nuns have superpowers that are defeated by devil house.

Can Nuns drive cars? is that allowed? I have never seen a nun drive a car…except in Sister Act

What the hell. Projectile vomiting nun

I see why they have so many kids now…bow chick a bow wow

This dog is not stealth

In a time of perms, brown vans and face braces somebody rings the doorbell to hell

I blame detroit before I blame the devil

Pink Jeep Seminary

What kind of Secular education did you have?

Sweaty priest!

We think you need to take a vacation. Wait…priests get vacations! The devil don’t take vacations!

That must be the dirtiest road ever. Those cars are filthy.

Look here carol…why don’t you take your hammock off your shoulder and go set up by some trees if the house gives you the creeps.

Thursday? I’ve been sharpening this axe since Monday

Ya Axe Wielding maniac

Mother fuc…..my hand!

Don’t sneak up on me when I am axing my way into the kid’s bathroom.

Harry…knock it off.

Do you feel that breeze.

Oh thank you for your cosmic views…now shutup!

Man he is so Christian Bale

Won’t go into the house during the day. Does go into the basement after dark. Weirdo.

It’s the passage to hell. Oh stop being so dramatic. It’s a red room.

Who turned my cross upside down!!

Prayed so hard he went blind. Of course…doubting thomas over there will say he just busted a capillary in his eyes.

Will you stop nagging at me! Teeth marks.

Oh no you didn’t….You wanted a house…you got hell house…now shutup….SLAP!

In yo face…Nun just hit 3 points.

Why do you need microfiche when you can see the future with those glasses.

I want Harry…shut the hell up…

You have a major sewage problem

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