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The Beastmaster (1982) – Filmsack Show Notes

INTRO

Oh hi,

What’s up my Witches! Oh I am sorry did I startle you horrible hags. It’s just me the high priest Ma-Axe and now perhaps you understand how I feel when I run into one of you in the middle of the night while on urgent poo business. I haven’t poo’d in a decade! The Truth cannot be changed!

Anywho, What are we working on today my coven of ugly? A passion potion? Tell me more! A brew that turns you from horrible to hot! I …am …listening! Oh…but you ran out of “cow placenta” and you only have enough to either make you hot up top or hot down below. Hmmm…that is a tough one. Better make it hot bottoms. Oh! are we doing the squirmy dance…You know I love the squirmy dance. Yeah…this is going to be so much better after the potion. I can’t wait.

Alright, I’m heading out. Oh yeah…if you are heading to the lower levels today, we left the ankle grabber flaps open. So, be high stepping or lose a foot to the death guards. Toodles. The Truth cannot be changed!

LINKS

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083630/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Beastmaster

TWITTER

The Beastmaster (1982) – I have my eyes, I have my cunning and now I have my strength….Now if I just had a sandwich What… Nooo..not the village baker! and his baker’s paddle…burnt up! nooo…I have nothing

SHOW NOTES

  • The BeefyMaster
  • Eek! Big cat! Bird! another bird! yet another bird! Black Tiger? angry eagle. Who’s nature slideshow did we get suckered into watching.
  • Meanwhile in ancient something or another…
  • Door go up!
  • Oh look…a tiny pyramid.
  • 1 black and 2 red robes.
  • Oh goody…I was hoping there would be ladies squirming around a pot.
  • RIP TORN! is he a vulcan?
  • Oh no!
  • You will die at the hands of Zed’s unborn son.
  • Those witches should work on their faces.
  • “I hear you are working on a child sacrifice…” now..go away…go hang out with the barbarians.
  • OMG…that nose on Rip Torn.
  • I don’t believe Rip Torn believes you.
  • Hey…you seen my 2 suicide monks? I’m pretty sure they are hanging around here somewhere…oh there they are.
  • Why is JJ’s dad hanging out with the fanatics
  • Everybody is either ugly in this movie or …no they are all ugly.
  • Just gonna sneak into your room at night and bring my brahma cow…oh…and I brought my radioactive goop as well.
  • That baby wants out of your belly…no your unborn child is ours now…and it’s in my cow belly.
  • Poor cow…why didn’t the witch just cut it out of the mommies belly…seems like an unnecessary step.
  • Man…that witch can build a fire…I mean that thing is huge.
  • Krull to the back! Kappa?
  • She ain’t there.!
  • Slow pan up…yeah…look at them legs…ahhh yeah…and those thighs …and breasts and OMG!
  • I guess that baby had one last trick
  • Free babies!
  • Hey village! Look what I got! New Life! Smell it!
  • 10 years later…time to f with the other villagers…Johnny Appleseed style
  • This bear is angry! No worries dad…I go the dead eye…look at me bear.
  • Hey boy…never tell anyone about talking with the animals thing.
  • The gods put a mark on your hand…so suck it up beloved.
  • Tell the village…Fortis…he dead.
  • “Yar…it is fixed…hiyaa!” Father is kind of a dick…always challenging the young bucks…stabbing witches in the back…stealing babies…rubbing the fact he has a new baby in the face of the other villagers.
  • Uh oh…a dust cloud…it can only mean one thing…
  • A line in the sand…We have been waiting a long time for this…come on old man…and that was pretty anticlimactic…all that posturing…and insta-death
  • “What should I do during the pillage? run through the village with my booby hanging out…sure thing.”
  • “Hey that guy…he looks like my scar..I must kill him!”
  • Noooo! they shot the dog! not the dog!
  • I love how Rip Torn shows up and looks amused.
  • Pillage the village!
  • I get clubbed and now I am the 3 eyed raven.
  • Well why didn’t you see your dead dog talker of animals?
  • I suppose in hindsight…perhaps we should have kept all the explosives in the village.
  • Nooo..not the baker! and his baker’s paddle…who will make the bread pudding!?
  • Ok…that’s it…I’m taking my dead dog and getting the hell out of here.
  • It’s the hero’s journey…They killed everything I loved!
  • Alright…time to burn these bodies that didn’t burn during the village fire…these dead villagers are really flammable!
  • I am the Hawk…following me and find your destiny! now quickly…you must run to the top of this hill and yell and swing around this small tree…You are a self taught warrior…now talk to the birds!
  • Dad’s sword! hey this is way better for swinging around than that small tree I cut down.
  • Run and Sword…squat…run and sword…squat
  • Now what are those weasles/ferrets gonna do with that gear?
  • Oh no! Quicksand! It’s the deadliest of sands.
  • Listen to my mind powers you little beasts
  • Saved ya! Now you owe me a life debt. Kodo and Podo my pocket friends…now get in there.
  • Hey guy…yeah guy..let’s tie this black tiger of the desert up and f with him…well that sounds like a good use of our time. Hey…I’m surprised we have lived that long.
  • Caw! Caw!
  • Ahh yes…this pleases The Beastmaster…I nod my head in satisfaction.
  • I have my eyes, I have my cunning and now I have my strength…your name is woo? Now let’s us until we see some naked ladies bathing and then we shall woo them with our cunning.
  • “Let’s swim with our tops off! How about bottoms off…no! Just tops and we only go in waist deep! OK!”
  • You owe me your life…but I will take this molestation as my payment. I am Dar…I am no threat to you.
  • Jin Horde?
  • Let’s get frisky! Slave to the priestess.
  • I see why as a 12 year old boy I liked this movie.
  • What is this place? This soup is people!
  • Are these ancient vampires? Cause I think that dude in the cave was safer in his cage.
  • Oh these bat people worship the bird…back off!
  • So the beastmaster popped into the bat peoples tree and got a guy killed but collected his loot all the same.
  • That miniature city sure is close to the camera
  • This music sounds like BSG
  • There is still meat on that skeleton’s goot…gross.
  • The Beastmaster is always falling into viscous materials
  • Don’t touch the pony!
  • Hey high priest…that kid is kind of old for a sacrifice.
  • Why would you bring your kid of a kid sacrificing party?
  • No no..let’s see where this is going. Maybe he won’t throw the kid in this time.
  • Strong Hawk…so strong he can carry kids
  • Confused Rip Torn is the best Rip Torn.
  • I returned your kid…now you owe me a life debt
  • Here…take this eye ring! it will lead you to him.
  • Kill him now…but he has a black tiger!!
  • So is he controlling the tiger or is he just watching.
  • Nooo! not my kitty.
  • Hahaha…
  • Face an animal on it’s on terms
  • Ohh…now he owes a debt!
  • Look I am The Beastmaster…I ain’t the LogMaster…want to give me a hand here.
  • Know what’s easier…movie a log while not eye locked with a stranger
  • Life is a circle…I am sure we will see each other again.
  • Seth thinks stuff is funny…until it is not…he has the best turn.
  • Let’s have a conversation and negotiation of travel
  • I can see through the eyes of the beast and know their thoughts and they can see through my eyes and know my thoughts.
  • These are my thieves…now by all means…go to sleep with your trinkets left unattended. Yoink
  • This ring has eyes!
  • Oh…has my vision squatting awoken you? Apologies, sometimes I must express my colon during meditation.
  • Priests in Red and Ladies in white means sacrifice!
  • She’s no slave…she is my cousin.
  • These priests do not talk…but they do have balls.
  • Quickly…we must flee! Pull the rope faster!
  • This greatly amusing Seth…Seth is amused.
  • The reluctant cohort hero…this kid is always napping…
  • This movie has a lot of ass cheek
  • First you must ride in the hay ride of deadly allergies…then you must pass the leg grabbers…and boy do they love to grab legs. then over the death guard making hole and use your ferrets to fish out the keys…but be careful…then past the secret Trill changing room….and onto the totally not suspicious unlocked room
  • So Zed had a kid after
  • Man that witch is tall and can climb a wall.
  • Suck it witch…I have the eye of the tiger!
  • “Can you walk? Yeash”.
  • I am so angry! I am a Death Guard! I hate everything! Especially legs…
  • …and finally to escape…just head out the hole under the giant skull…easy pleasy.
  • haha….the cave skull lever wheel is stuck
  • I am not totally convinced The Beastmaster has any strength. He seems to have trouble with a lot of strength challenges.
  • Death Guard in the Hole!
  • Why does The Beastmaster have the ability to communicate with the Bird but occasionally he will need to do the bird scream.
  • There they are…my little nut biters. Let’s go!
  • Does that door have a counterweight?
  • Blind Dad. I need no coward by my side!
  • Just goes to show you…it takes more than sperm to be a dad.
  • “Go crawl down a hole with your animals.” Owee…words hurt sperm donor dad.
  • This eye ring can also hear?! or does he also have an ear necklace?
  • oh chit…Set done saw you.
  • Beastmaster you are our only hope.
  • There is always a lot of talk of Sacrifice at sunrise…sunset…just get on with it. Are you worried about attendance? It’s too hot at noon?
  • Down the dirt path littered with bodies on pikes.
  • Ropes are no match for these rodents.
  • Rip Torn and his Skull Hair clips
  • Witches be like that…they turn their back to you and then flee.
  • Nooo…the sacrifice was too great! Kodo is dead! or is it Podo
  • Now I must rub my face on my ferret
  • Hurry…make the moat look like…
  • Hey…why is the beastmaster just chillin on the pyramid.
  • “In my village”…yadad
  • Your explosive mote idea was half baked.
  • Man…every time she puts on clothes something is always trying to take them back off again.
  • You have activated Seth Frenzy…back the F up.
  • The Yar king is not the best swinger
  • I fell on my own weapon! Eeek it’s in my back!

By Brian Dunaway

Hey everybody! It's me. Brian-O! I hope you are enjoying the website. SNARF!