The Faculty

The Faculty (1998) – Sure, there are a lot easier ways to beat up on someone’s nuts, but hardly any more entertaining than hairy hobbit skroat right into the ye ole flagpole. guaranteed to make ‘em run to the boys room crying, just like when they attempted to leave Samwise on the river bank. It’s Hobbits and Harnett on this weeks film sack

Skatting in the boys room.

Twitter:

The Faculty – We don’t need no education. We got these old juiced up Apple II gs’es that the Cryptkeeper upgraded for us.  and juice boxes!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Faculty

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0133751/

 

Stuff I Loved:

Offspring for the start.

Angry coach.

No new computers…get the old ones juiced. No field trips to NY City…you are not getting out of Ohio. No Musical this year.

You will always been a cold bitch to me. Sleep it off coach.

Pencil through the hand. That has to smart.

Never realized there was so much pointy shit in a school.

Mrs. Olsen…run.

When they tell you to use your keys as a defensive weapon. They should remind you to hang onto the keys.

Alice iN Chains. We don’t need no education cover!

Hobbits and Hartnett

Angriest school ever.

There are easier ways to beat up someone’s nuts but hardly more entertaining.

Don’t talk about snorting Skat in the boys room.

John Stewart cameo.

Ain’t it Cool teacher.

Aliens are always thirsty.

Why am I getting beat up? Oh wait…is it because I am in High School and still drinking Juice Boxes. Oh yeah.

Usher says…wooo hoooo hoooo.

Hard to buy Usher as a bully.

Holy crap. Old Lady in the boys shower room. Classic horror movie device. My favorite is The Shining.

Coach is a meatball. He is out there standing in the sprinklers.

Neve Campbell and Jennifer Love Hewitt in the car trunk. VHS.

Best “fall in the hall” goes to the hobbit

No more Flogging the Bishop

I have a cool mac…wait..what year is this?

What an original place to hide your porn.

Loving Famke Janssen in Hemlock Grove

This movie makes me thristy.

Love the back chatter. Comments on characters in a group.

Tit Bags….that could be our sister podcast…gross.

ID4 reference

Who knew…the parasite aliens can’t take scat to the eye.

“Me so Hornet”

Muff Diving

The aliens took down the radio stations.

Wait…doing the high school sex probability math. 3 dudes and 3 girls.

Bad Boy, Jock, Nerd, Popular Chic, Tough Chic & Southern Bell

Stupid Jock who doesn’t want to be a jock.

Bad boy who is really the street smart nerd.

Nerd…wussy…isn’t even that smart.

Popular girl who is head of the school paper

Tough Chic/SciFi Movie Chic

Southern sweet chic

How do you sell drugs…why you package them in a clear pens.

He’s tweaking! let him tweak.

Hey, I got a great idea….we are being chased by aliens. Let’s all do drugs.

So far…everyone has said no to drugs…but peer pressure wins out.

oh fook. MY LAB!

I would go to more High School Football games if it had fireworks and alien infestations….oh…and clotheslines.

That’s was your whole plan? Sniff this?

Was the Football team wearing tap shoes?

Brutal face plant at the pool by stokely.

Never compete with a wuss when it comes to running.

Wonder how everybody else passes the leech creatures from their body.

Always seems to be a creepy Student/Teacher relationship.

Wuss gets the girl. Whatev!

Even John Stewart gets a happy ending. DONUT

Road House

Roadhouse (1989)  114 min  Rated R

Road House is a 1989 action film directed by Rowdy Herrington and starring Patrick Swayze as a bouncer at a newly refurbished roadside bar who protects a small town in Missouri from a corrupt businessman.[3] Sam Elliott also plays a bouncer, the mentor, friend and foil of Swayze’s character. The cast also includes Kelly Lynch as Swayze’s love interest, and Ben Gazzara as the main antagonist.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Road_House_(1989_film)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098206/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Opener: Hi. I’m 80s Swayze…the best Swayze…and you may not know this about me. But I can communicate with horses. True true…I talk to Uncle Jessies horses at the place I am renting from…we have crumpettes and tea and talk about the rich man next door.at least Until he flies in with his helicopter and then we run like crazy…wheee he he he

Twitter: Road House – like the sign over the toilet that says “don’t eat the big white mint”  It may not be neccessary but it makes you giggle. Double duece

Stuff I Loved:

Road Horse: Not the movie you were expecting.

Bumble Bee dress

There are only a handful of classic 80s movies that I didn’t see during the 80s. This one was one of them. Top Gun and Footloose were the other two. This one has been the only one that I thought I might have actually regretted not see sooner.

I think it is time you gentlemen leave.

Did you just stab me? For reals.

The double deuce?

The kind of place they sweep up the eyeballs afterwards? what the hell?

Pecker Head….one of my favorite phrases after Scroat Bag

For A Great Buick? Is that the car salesman guy later?

Drain The Main Vein

Hey Uncle Jessie. I’m home

3 rules

1. Never underestimate your opponent

2. Take it outside

3. Be nice

It’s a sears credit card….It’s ok… We have tools here. “There….I just made your movie better

What! I can’t do it doggy style on my break? That’s crap!

You the boy from the double deuce?

Hey boy? What you doing out there with no shirt on? You trying to beat up the wind?

If you are going to send your dream team to beat up Dalton. Might could do better than Jake and the Fatman and a quarter of Simon & Simon

Degree in philosophy. Man’s Search for faith. NYU

Pretty sure no one has ever picked up a doctor lady with….”Meet me at the double duece.”

BIG FOOT!

Not real sure when I am supposed to be laughing during this movie.

He Hates These Cans!!

Terribly Observant Hero. Trope.

No…No a hobby horse does not have any dick. Wooden or otherwise.

Man that Sam guy sure is sexy.

“Don’t eat the big white mint.” Potty humor

Urban Legend. Fat Guys can fight.

Town of flip floppers. Yay good guys….yay bad guys…everybody loves a winner!!

Getting a little Doctor Side Thigh

she is making duck faces

You got a woman up there?

Footloose

Footloose (1984)

Footloose is a 1984 American musicaldrama film directed by Herbert Ross. It tells the story of Ren McCormack (Kevin Bacon), an upbeat Chicago teen who moves to a small town in which, as a result of the efforts of a local minister (John Lithgow), dancing and rock music have been banned.

The film is loosely based on events that took place in the small, rural, and religious community of Elmore City, Oklahoma.[1]

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087277/?ref_=fn_al_tt_2

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Footloose_(1984_film)

Opener: No No No! Satan is not in these books…oh wait. This is the necronomicon…the devil actually is in this book. oh…and Catcher in the Rye. BURN IT! alright, I’m going home to take a long shower and “judge myself”…I suggest you do the same…aaaah…The Great Gatsby…last one I promise…burny burn burn

Twitter:  Footloose – Like having frosted cakes and a big ole thankgiving turkey at a prom. It may be overkill but bacon makes it better. Now, go home and sit in judgement of yourselves.

 

Stuff I Loved:

Smelliest open credits ever.

Fancy Bacon.

Picking up ladies at 55 mph

Pink Floyd and Grateful dead redneck?

No Radio. No problem. I got a jam box and a bench seat.

Sniffing starch?

Smuggled tape

Pac Man!! That is one loud boombox. Quality!

Papa Preacher does not approve of your Jive Street music.

Bang your head. Yeah….everybody’s sound system is really loud

Bacon is so dreamy

totally high schoolers in this high school

Doing God’s work on the typewriter

Balls size of coconuts

Meet Chuck at 5:30…for a dance off..

I think she’s been kissed a lot

Preacher’s Daughter

Chuck’s attached to that boom box.

A game of Chicken in tractors. Who cares. This ain’t my tractor

She is wearing them pants real high.

Nothing says badass like ‘I need a hero’ tractor chicken.

Shoestring hero.

Noooo…taking the arcade games out. You have to be kidding me.

Time to crank it. Time to dance it out.

Big gear!

Busted!!

Do you want to kiss me?

less than 45 minutes in and already 3 games of chicken. Should have called this movie Chicken Shit.

This story is going to take so long it’s gonna start on the porch, go through to somebody’s library and then onto the old folks home. Is this the same people that ends with someone really old is listening to the preachers story.

If we go over the state line the we will see how people really party.

“I can’t dance at all… “ how did I get cast for this movie.

Highway tag? is that like Highway chicken?

Warren Beady?

The least hairiest town of all.

I would not suggest learning to dance with Kevin Bacon on the football field, basketball field…or essentially any jock place in high school.

2 slaps in 1 movie. Maybe someone should reconsider some things.

Worst breakup ever. “I was about through with you anyway.?

Town council meeting! This just in!! Extra Extra!

The council of seven

Wow…that was super dangerous. Brick through the window of some kids

Aunt LuLu.

We aren’t Catholic. Get up!

Book burning! sweeeet

Satan is not in these books…oh wait. This is the necronomicon…yeah we can burn this one. IT’S THE DEVIL!

Go home and sit in judgement of yourselves

Prom! This was all about a Prom! somebody is probably going to get pregnant. Also, I thought this movie was about a guy who cut his foot off.

What kind of prom has frosted cake and turkey…a big whole turkey.

No dancing baby. No dancing on the dance floor.

You get that booger dude? gonna pick some brain if you ain’t careful

In what world can a few high schooler dancers kick some roughneck asses?  

Who is going to clean up all that glitter. Cause Glitter is the devil.

Uh oh…here comes the pop and locker.

XXX

XXX (2002)  124 min  Rated PG-13

xXx, pronounced “Triple X”, is a 2002 American action film directed by Rob Cohen and starring Vin Diesel as Xander Cage, a thrill seeking extreme sports enthusiast, stuntman and rebellious extreme sport athlete-turned-reluctant spy for theNational Security Agency who is sent on a dangerous mission to infiltrate a group of potential terrorists in Central Europe. xXx also stars Asia Argento, Samuel L. Jackson, and Marton Csokas.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0295701/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/XXX_(film)

Opener: What…this ain’t no fancy secret agent party like usual. It’s a German Rave with special guest band Rammenstien. Hmmm…no matinis and I may be over dressed. ahhh…I’ve been shot…oh great…now the crowdsurfing …I should never have deviated from set parameters. Damn you suit!! Why didn’t I listen to my wife and wear my gucci beaver pelt pimp suit.  

Twitter: XXX – James Bond goes all X-games in this spy thriller from the early 2000’s and not once did it Deviate from set parameters. expect that one part throughout the whole movie.

Stuff I Loved:

Death to Bond like heroes by the new bad ass’eries

“What…this is a fancy secret service ball…this is some kind of German Rave.

Two Face Jackson

“Deviated from set parameters.” – who talks like that.

Anarchy 99…they can smell the training on our agents…because they show up to Raves in a 3 piece suit.

Who goes to spy school…for reals.

Apparently, the old way doesn’t cut it. We need the new hotness…not the old and busted…dang…I wish we could have watched Bad Boys instead.

Hey, that dude has a tattoo like all the brand marketing for this movie.

Hodgekiss…Senator Hodgekiss.

Man..this movie looks old. Who uses cameras anymore…he would totes be using an iphone steaming it like to youtubes today.

The Zander Zone? Can I get you a zine to read?

This movie is full of rock. Let the bodies hit the floor….we just had that in the movie last week.

Moral is…Don’t be a Dick….Dick.

Who invited Tony Hawk and crew.

Superman Seat Grab Barrel Roll

Keeping it real…this whole movie.

I got an underground website.

I live for this shit? what… jerked out of the back of a plane.

I am going to throw you a beating.

Superman Seat Grab To The Face….

Somebody might want to calibrate the mini guns on the helicopter.

When Samuel L. Jackson ask you if you want to get on a plane. You say…are there snakes involved? Then you get on the plane no matter the answer.

Anarchy 99 Game.

Good Guy XXX – shows disenchanted teen Anarchy 99 and some parental attention he ain’t getting from his mom and new step dad…who’s a douche for snoring..

cranberry club soda…shaken….noooo!

My friends call me X….since triple X is too hard

“bitches come.”

Check out my old lady fur jacket. Pimp Jacket

x-ray glasses….clothes…oh….can see bra….ooo…wait….too far…i can see her colon/spleen

How hard is it to get european cars in Europe.

This is no time for being fun.

Oh she is making the money sign.

Vin Diesel likes the old cars

Worst cop ever.

Perv’s. You are looking for 1 hour 3 minutes in.

Addendum….1 hour and 7 minutes in….if you are into a pile of naked ladies.

Well what do you know…xXx is not good at taking orders….Go home Xander.

What are they building? A land speeder?

awww…solar powered death weapon. How green.

Blue and Green makes…Death.

I sure hope he don’t need those scientists.

Oh…now you run….

Yo…dudes…you got some diesel in your cave ceiling.

Junction box for alarm includes entire underground lair lights.

If you have a revolver…you have to spin it after you check the chambers…even if the chambers are contains bullets that range from paint to explosives.

All I want is Samuel L. Jackson’s Approval.

I think I should start walking into to room and asking stuff like “Does anybody know how to fly a plane….” “Is anyone here a doctor?….” What other things do people ask a group of people out of desperation.

Would like to see this same philosophy in a kindergarten class.

Snowboarding. Yeah!!

Avalanche!! If you see a mountain of ice in a movie…you know there is going to be an avalanche…or some kinky sex…occasionally you will get an amputation…it’s never a happy story…well….maybe the kinky sex. But as a rule…if they lug the camera equipment to the snowy peaks…something big is going to happen.

You have a bazooka

Yeah…how accurate is that heat seeking missile…but at least they did follow their own rules…they set up the smoking thing pretty early on.

Love the music.

Ahab..

That dude has a remote for everything…how does he keep up with all of them.

isn’t every hard top convertable pretty much have the ejectable roof when you unlatch it at 60 mph

What’cha talking about Vin Diesel. – When he says he wants a video camera

Save us Vin Deisel

Aww…all those poor people are about to be like white lab mice. UNLESS!!

Wait…was this all a test?

What can you do under the water for 3 minutes…I mean…besides die.

.

The One

The One (2001)  87 min  Rated PG-13

A sheriff’s deputy fights an alternate universe version of himself who grows stronger with each alternate self he kills.

Director:

 James Wong

Writers:

 Glen Morgan, James Wong

Stars:

 Jet Li, Carla Gugino, Delroy Lindo |

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_One_(2001_film)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0267804/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Opener: Wait wait wait. First, kudos on the automatic chair straps…I’m in here tight… ..zip zip zip…very cool….second…did he say penal colony? or penile colony. I just need to know how much I need to struggle here. 

He’s doing 50!

Twitter: The One- A Kind of Multiverse Ground Hog Day meets Highlander without the charm of Bill Murray or Sean Connery. But we did have Jet Li going 50. so…yeah.

Stuff I Loved:

Highlander of the multiverse

Do we need voice over and subtitles

Police bullet proof helmet. Less than bullet proof

Let the bodies hit the floor.

He’s doing 50…as long as he doesn’t slow down he shouldn’t blow up wildcat

Our muscle car has a turbo sound.

I can’t hear you…

My gun goes pew pew pew

The only person who can kick Jet Lee’s but. Is Jet Lee!!

I know it was a lot of setup…but I found the keys to this truck in the garage in the hopes you would still be standing in the carport after a long bit of banter with Jason Statham.

Multiverse travel is painful.

Victim 119 Jude Law. Promethius Universe. Doh!

Lawless…uh huh

Is that some sort of body scanner? Nope…it’s a glowing vibrator

Movie Auto Straps…Cause in the future…people don’t got time for strapping

Penal colony in the hades universe

rational murder

is that a paper clip hanging out of that’s rat’s anus. look at the size of that skroat!

Bush’s universal healthcare?

Only in Prime universe is Jet Li a good guy.

Not only are there multiple universes…but apparently all of them are just a little bit timeshifted.

This is like a Multiverse Ground Hog day.

Prime Universe. The only Universe that matters.

How come he ain’t going 50

sorry…no bad news today…maybe later.

Why is alternate universe Jet Li not have a goatee.

Already getting a feeling that this movie is going to end with a “No..It’s me!! I’m the real Jet Li…shoot him…” moment

ha! not unless he had one put in this morning in reference to penile implant.

A wedding ring and a necklace

Ha! He looks like a robot in that MRI head gear

Most aspirated x-ray tech ever. “WHAT! HOLD STILL!! I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO DO THIS TWICE”

No! He got out…now we have to start the x-ray all over again.

Jet Li crawls funny.

My gun makes laser sounds.

shoot M.R.I. machine…it’s full of smoke

Worst security camera operator ever.

Who cocks a shotgun and then uses it to restrain someone.

One thing wrong with this theory. What if the converse happens. All of the you’s die in every universe…but one of you happens to survive. Wouldn’t that make you The One.

If you get into “The Shit”

that girl girl stuff

Answers come without thinking. Hey…am I the one? of just a no thinking smartass.

an energy…string…wave….don’t be mixing theories

can punch through a van…can’t beat up old partner

Why yes…I am going to beat you up with a couple of motorcycles.

hehe…hey….what are you guys doing…stop kicking my signs down. I know gas prices are high but c’mon!! Yeah yeah…falling prices…fuck you.

Why is it a martial arts movie wet dream to fight yourself? Equal matching for a good fight? something more metaphorical?

With all the sparks it is like “The Greatest Man Alive”

Lots of modern rock….well modern in 2001

The slow mo works in this movie.

Jet Li has the shirt wipe thinkg for his bruce lee…bring it on nose bleed.

haha…”That order is bullshit!”

He sent him to the pleasure planet. Was there not already a law there?

Fresh meat boys

Most awesome ending to a movie

They didn’t lock me in here with you…they locked you in here with me.

Penile Implant Colony! NOOOOO…

 

The Adventures Of Ford Fairlane

The Adventures Of Ford Fairlane (1990) – Come out and Andrew Dice Claaay Ayy

And not a single woman was exploited that day. oh wait. wrong movie

Twitter:

The Adventures Of Ford Fairlane – I didn’t understand half of your racial slurs but I did love your rock and roll heart. Can’t believe no one mentioned the dead koala.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098987/?ref_=sr_1

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Adventures_of_Ford_Fairlane

 

Stuff I Loved:

Scooby Doo

Must really put my hate for the schtich

555 callout. Good job.

Rock and Roll Detective

The Guy from the Warriors….Come out and Claaay Ayy

The Run Of Shame

Every movie is better with a Tone Loc Cameo

“Sucking my Dick.” What is that.

The right amount of Gilbert Godfrey in a movie

Very Scooby Doo.

Scooby Doo with Fuck.

Moustache number 3. Ed O Neal.

Booty Time…Ed O’Neal

What is up with the animated Koala Bear?

Laughing Bad Guy. Kicks your ass while laughing…dying…generally a happy guy (Robert Englund)

I don’t understand half of the racial slurs this movie throws out.

Dice Clay was ok when the chic was dead and in his crotch. He freaked out a little when she was alive.

Dead Koala

So much bad teeth in this movie

My Favorite licence plate “UNPOOR”

And not a single woman was exploited that day.

Who uses a corvette as a weapon. c’mon.