Nothing But Trouble

Nothing But Trouble (1991)  94 min Rated PG-13

Nothing But Trouble is a 1991 American horror comedy, directed by and co-starring Dan Aykroyd, who also co-wrote the screenplay with his brother Peter. The cast featured Chevy Chase, John Candy, and Demi Moore, with Taylor Negron, Raymond J. Barry, and Brian Doyle-Murray, in supporting roles.

Opener: Just like Chevy Chase I knew I was in trouble when Demi Moore stepped out of the elevator in her white high waisted jumper with hair designed by Edward Scissorhands. Hubba Hubba. Hoola Hoola you got front seat to the mexican hat dance.  Thanks for the sack of shit listener who sent in the 4:3 Aspect ratio DVD.

What? this isn’t a prosthetic nose? It’s a penis?

No one tell Dan…but he put the dildo on his face.

Who would win! Shock G vs Dan Aykroyd

Did you see how happy Tu Pac was when Aykroyd was playing the organ. He was all like…cover laughing mouth with hand and point with the other.

Happy Tu Pac

Twitter: Nothing but trouble – This movie got it’s taint on me so now I have to marry it.  also, if noses were penises…1 eyed Russian

Stuff I Loved:

Classy opening. The Simple Life. Juxtaposed over high society living.

4:3 aspect ratio

1 eyed Russian

Sour Lemonade

read my newsletter

The best place to run into a chic when you live in a fancy building. The dog walk.

Thanks for the Espresso maker and bag of shit.

Nobody says shit like Chevy Chase.

Brazillionaires…ha ha. Pun-y

We are painting Chevy Chase as a douche

Give me the keys Mike

Hubba Hubba Edward Scissor hands hair and high waisted jumper shorts

GPS in 1991? GPS Cartridge?

He should have obeyed the law!

Sell pork bellies buy gold.

Evel Knievel and Mr. Clean

Bedazzled stop sign.

Antonio the butler forgot the butter.

Running from the cops. Never a good idea. Was it in 1991?

Chevy Chase is a sarcastic liar

Were the Brazilian brother and sister needed?

Flipper is dead?

Shire Reeve?

The actors must read every sign. Aloud.

A bunch of spiders in a cake

Put out that Dog Rocket!

all good bad guys have a trap door

comedy horror is Aykroyd’s thing.

Is that a Baldwin?

Bloodless slaughter

Akroyd is the most entertaining part of the movie

Warm Glass of Hawaiian Punch

John Candy as a woman. Me…disturbed.

Tongue Winkled

Lots of slang talk with the Reeve

That is some seriously wicked looking weiners.

Hillbilly story.

Stephen King couldn’t have written it better.

Watching old man Aykroyd eat that dog was highly entertaining

You peeled the correct banana there.

Who is the nothing but trouble part?

Do we see eyes in paintings anymore? Even in comedies?

Silent Scream Chevy is hilairous

Do you guys remember the amazing stories about the guy who was too stubborn to die?

Car phones!

The baby brothers.

I know the Ball Ping Hammer is round.

Greasy giant babies


Mr. Bonestripper

Extremly Draculated

She’s got your taint on her now.

Shock G….. Know what I’m saying.

If Humpty Hump showed up earlier and more often…this movie would have been awesome.

I could have watched a Scooby Doo episode of Digital Underground. Nothing But Trouble.

I had to drink Crystal Head Vodka to understand this movie.

A lot of people blame the horribleness of this movie on Dan Aykroyd, since he wrote directed and starred in the movie. I only blame Aykroyd for being polite. He should have brought the smack down on his friend Chevy Chase for not bringing his A-game and John Candy…where was he!

NapMare. This whole movie was a napmare

Didn’t notice the reeve had a penis nose until the final scene

A few years after Christmas Vacation. Chase never recovered after this movie.

This DVD is a direct rip of the Video Tape

Revenge Of The Ninja

Revenge of the Ninja (1983) (90 minutes – Rated: R)

After his family is killed in Japan by ninjas, Cho and his son Kane come to America to start a new life. He opens a doll shop but is unwittingly importing heroin in the dolls. When he finds out that his friend has betrayed him, Cho must prepare for the ultimate battle he has ever been involved in.


Oh no. Someone killed my in-laws. Bummer. Well that kind of suuuu….Oh no! My son took a throwing star to the head! Storm drain surprise ninja sword attack.

Twitter:  Revenge Of The Ninja – opening credits that totally made me want to order chinese food with it’s fanc


Stuff I Loved:

The opening credit font makes me want to order some Kung Pow chicken…which I believe is chinese and not japenese. I am so conflicted.

Worst ninjas ever. Of course if you are only sneaking up on old ladies and children. Maybe your skills are suffiecient.

Killing that old dude was a little bit of overkill.

Ninja Team! unite….oh oh….scatter…scatter!! Real men are coming!…uh oh…I think I was suppose to exit stage right..but I went stage left. damn it Ho…you screwed me up.

They killed my extended family! nooo…wait…is that my son with a throwing star in his head…dangit!

Storm drain surprise sword attack! crap. Fail!

Hey look cho…I shot me a ninja off the roof…oh yeah…I just caught an arrow with my teeth.

What kind of crappy ninjas are these? I’ve seen better ninjas on the A-Team.

Bird formation Ninja Team….

Ooops. I think I let that smoke bomb go off at the wrong time. I think I was suppose to do something when that happened…can we refilm that scene? Nope? Hiyaaaa

Your movie made Bruce Lee cry.

Where the crap was grandma?

That first baby cry when grandma was hovering over the dead boy…I thought she farted or something.

Who is this white dude that wants Cho to come to the US so bad.

Do you see this? Yeah…we see it…it’s a cheap bubble gum machine trinket. Is this what all this fighting is over? Here…have a quarter…get another one.

You can not escape your Karmas

Hey look…a kid at least 3 years younger than us wearing a pink croc shirt from JC Penney’s is walking home with his grandma…maybe we should start a fight….oh crap…he’s asian…bet he knows Ninja’ing

What have I told you about beating up stupid american kids.

Look grandma…if you show me that stupid pendant again and tell me about my heritage on more time…well…I’m going to ninja chop your head clean off.

Hot blonde. This movie just increased in sexiness by 200%

You forgot your pants! But you did wear panty hose. oooo….control top. Very nice.

Why don’t women wear this little twisty bands anymore.

You have excellent taste in dolls and Neon cho.

Even Ninja Doll with slice your arse.

Why is this doll full of fun dip. WooooooooooOOooOOo These dolls rock!

Braden (Raiden) is my super secret ninja name. Which I tell everyone. NINJA!

I will make the no-no hand sign. Cause you don’t even know me yet.

Nooo…not my good eye…why would you ninja my good eye!

What is this…hide the sex from the camera man. he is having to walk all over the apartment to locate the source of the sex noises. Is it in this porn mag? nope…on the tv? no huh. Bed. Hmmm…ahhhh…Hot tub.

Nothing says cool jive cat like a jacket thrown over your shoulder that you have no intention on wearing.

The fight scene choreography in this film looks like it was done by a group on 12 year olds. Which is why it is awesome!

Ninja weapon. The length of the blade is very precise. No one could figure this exact length out.

Look…it I need someone to catch my coffee I will give you a call.

Everybody knows Indians are the best ninjas

Everyone knows that when you are being chased by a street clothes Ninja in your 76 VW Van that there is no way in hell you just stop the van. Even if you are getting your trash kicked…screw it…keep the pedal to the metal.

Nothing more humiliating than getting kicked in the nuts and dropping the barrel you are holding over your head.

Oh wait…we have guns…why are we trying hand to hand combat with a ninja.

Either those are ninja pants or Cho has some really thick leg skin. No road rash after getting drug a few miles on the pavement.

Does a ninja really need a little rope ladder to enter in through a sky light? Shouldn’t he be able to flip or something.

Grandma ninja is on the level of full body motion yoda.

ahhhh…ancient ninja secret.

oh wait..they have steps. Why didn’t I just take the steps.

They are no dolls! They are action figures. Filled with Drugs!

The Playground Gang. Cowboy Pimp, Hawaain Biker, Kamazai Latino and well…really offensive portrayal of a black guy hiding behind a post and using a pistol.

I just happen to carry a few japanese fans…in case things get hot. Yaaaahaaaa.

heeey…I never heard of no ninja slap. That is unfair woman.

The only thing this movie is missing is a ninja dog. or cat. I would settle for cat.

What the crap fell off the kid when the girl kidnapped him and carried little Cho off?

Ninja bag. I need one.

Death by spa jets. weird

ha…I need a box of ninja stuff…but it needs to be air tight…so I can put some kind of ninja smoke in it. That way when I open it up 6 years later the smoke will escape when I open it…making it very dramatic and crap.

Are we going to fight or play tennis?

Ninja Air Blade Fight!

Ninja Flame Thrower…can’t be easy to move with that.

Ninjas do not wear eye liner…dangit!


Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (Tom Braider) (2001)

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider is a 2001 adventure and fantasy film[2] adapted from the Tomb Raider video game series. It was directed by Simon West and starred Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft, with Jon Voight, Chris Barrie, Iain Glen, Noah Taylor, and Daniel Craig in supporting roles. It was released in U.S. theaters on June 15, 2001. The film was a commercial success. The film held the title of highest grossing video game to film adaptation worldwide, until on June 16, 2010, the record was taken by Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, which grossed $335 million worldwide as of October 10, 2010 (although it is still #1 with adjustments for inflation). Reviews were largely negative, with critics criticizing the sloppy direction and video-game-esque action-sequences, but praising Jolie’s performance.

Opener: Hello, this is Brian from the prop department. Could you please let Mrs. Jolie know we have completed her prosthetic balls…complete with skroat bag. We made them plenty tough. So she can do as much crotch grabbing as she needs in this movie.  

The illuminati are known for their procrastination. Hence the meeting the day before the big solar alignment dealie. “Mr. Powell. What the status of the project. Oh…you are going to need a few more days on that.”

Twitter:  Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – Two movie quotes sum up this movie for me. First, “My ignorance amuses me” and 2nd “Into the belly of the beast…and out of the demons ass.”


Stuff I Loved:

What makes a good video game movie

What makes a good action star

What makes a good woman action star

Dual Wielding guns

Robot fight

Apparently, Angelina Jolie thinks…being a badass is walking like a dude.

Side boob

15h of may.

Starts out with a Danger room scene. Then turns into Batman mansion. Then right into the illuminati. With Little Boy blue and the council of old white business owners.

1 day…here is my fat finger in case you can’t hear me.

Her dad is HER DAD!

Pluto! That ain’t no planet Lara.

Oh goody. Finally a character building moment. What do they do? Put it in slow motion during a dream and hire the most annoying kid ever.

Do they really stuff old crates with Hay? is that what that is?

You hammer like a freak Laura.

It’s hard to feel anything for Laura when the character plays like some annoying badass that loves to make people feel uncomfortable with her aggressiveness.

Why did you even bring this thing to the old man. You know everything about it.

I wear all black. Surely I must be a bad guy.

“My ignorance amuses me.”

One more up pan and I may puke.

Hmmm…I am amused by your appearance into my home. Time to act arrogant.

“Siren Alarm Music!!” Now I am kicking ass!!

I want to shoot her…I really do…but I can’t see to adjust to shooting at her instead of shooting behind her feet. Oh well. I’m dead.

That UPS driver must have had that package already in his hand when he pulled up. He was out of that truck lickity splity.

45 minutes into Tomb Raider….Finally…maybe some raiding of tombs will take place.

The artifact was split in 2 pieces and taken to the opposite ends of the world…which was thought to be flat at the time. Which makes them in the same Tomb. Which you will apparently never raid. At least not in this movie.

Everyone knows if you want to be comfortable in the jungle while the local natives do all the work…well you need a posh couch with a few pillows on it.

Into the belly of the beast…and out of the demons ass.

Monkey Gollums.

Laura rammed her big phallic symbol into the belly of the monkey.

Maybe if we walk away slowly it won’t kill us with it’s 6 arms.

What the hell? So they all ran outside and hung out at the jungle couch when they saw that 6 armed lady come to life?

We must find the eye!!

The climax is like an episode of WipeOut

Who would betray the Illuminatti!!

Goodbye Mr. Bond

Changing time is real hard to do.

Hechmen 101. When the boss gets stabbed. Take off.

Star Trek: the Motion Picture

Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)  132 min Rated PG

Star Trek: The Motion Picture is a 1979 American science fiction film released by Paramount Pictures. It is the first film based on Star Trek, and a sequel to the Star Trek television series. The film is set in the twenty-third century, when a mysterious and immensely powerful alien cloud called V’Ger approaches Earth, destroying everything in its path. Admiral James T. Kirk (William Shatner) assumes command of his previous starship—the recently refitted USS Enterprise—to lead it on a mission to save the planet and determine V’Ger’s origins.

Opener: Inner monologue…Captain William Deckard….stardate Thursday something something. “I just had the weirdest encounter with Rear Admiral James T. Kirk. He seemed quite agitated about a meeting has to attend before boarding the Enterprise. For the life of me I can’t think of what kind of meeting would only take 3 minutes….Man I gotta poop. End Transm….ooooooh…3 minute meeting…End Transmission.”

Twitter:  Star Trek: The Motion Picture like a big foreheaded alien. It just goes on forever…and is occasionally bumpy.

If you thought the TV series was awesome. You might want to hold off on this Space Jammie ride.

Like a space walk with no thrusters. You keep hoping you might hit something.

Like K

Space Jammies.

Wormhole effect!!

I’m tripping yo!

Stuff I Loved:

These Klingons do not look too smart

Is this some kind of slumber party? Why is everybody in their pajamas.

Music Beats to feel the moment.

Vulcan inappropriate face touching

A 3 minute meeting…that’s pretty fast kirk. Meeting in the future are super short

Random spacewalker…5 points Scotty! 5 points! Oh…he’s a Vulcan….10 points! (Star Trek: Deathrace Editions.)

Those shuttles are like the Pacer of the future.

This is nothing like the TV series so far.

5 minutes of Shanter making eye love to the Enterprise set to the philharmonic orchestra may be a bit much. For Pete’s sake…get a room already. Enterprise…I am in you.

Any number of aliens manifested by forehead modifications.

Does that computer ever shut up.

Open air personal elevators

I ain’t towing anything out with my bare hands.

Wait! Does this mean I get a pay cut? Admirable

Get out of my face Captain Hot Breath. I’m the captain. I’m the captain.

Star Fleet Boost your what now?

More than 2 people a century die from transporter accidents.

Can you see my junk in this onsie?

Sucks to be you Klingon ship

Did you spot the Andorian!

“I’m going to make it!! I’m not going to be dematerialized!! I’m…ahh shit.”

What kind of alien are you? Oh…you just have a really big forehead. How unfortunate.

She’s Delta. Aka…hot bald lady…who has sworn off the sex. Dick…Deckard? Your name is Dick Deckard?

McCoy looking hot with a beard. and angry

Lens flare!!

Subspace Communication.

Wormhole effect!!

I’m tripping yo!

I think you have dick envy captain

Everybody had to get a shave and a haircut for this movie…too bad that one lady misunderstood the memo.

“I will discuss fuel equations with the engineer.” NERD!

We have achieved rainbow warp

Full Mag Sir.

Let’s send it a friendship message….:) 🙂 🙂

12 power!

This movie should be called…let’s all guess what Kirk wants to do. Can he not share anything! Blind obedience

The security officer looks like he is going to do some sparring

She looks a little worried!

This is a movie of staring.

I think we duplicated the being exactly as she looked. what should we put on her…how about a slinky bath robe…perfect.

How stupid do you think this probe is if you think you have to keep referring to yourself as the carbon units. .


Swashbuckler (1976) (101 minutes – Rated: PG)

Pirate spotting 101. 2nd level pirates look like french mime Shirts.. 3rd level pirates are even easier to spot. They have to wear 2nd level pirate hand me downs. Which may include weekend tank top versions that may or may not cover up most of your manish hairy side boob. C’mon. I don’t need to see that.

Twitter:  Swashbuckler – Bringing back a genre that should have walked the plank a long ago. Yarr. You big black ape! Moonbeam!


Stuff I Loved:

Where is Johnny Depp?

Come on you crazy fool

Where does one get a matching red belt for your matching red pants, boots and pirate shirt.

Boat full of lonely sailors don’t even notice the only lady on the ship  jump naked into the ocean. Cept for ole red pants. He grabbed his dingy…and well…he rowed real hard. Innuendo intended.

I wonder if Ray’s dad told Marie he was going off to be a Lord?

2nd level pirates are easy to spot. They look like French Mimes. 3rd level pirates have to wear 2nd level pirate hand me downs. Which may include a tank top version that is even less attractive than second hand pirates. If you can believe that is possible.

You big black ape!

Moooonbeam! Good ole Lou Albano.

Love the winch who is eating the banana.

We don’t have to fight. We got the big laugh. Screw you…nothing can defeat the big laugh.

Knives, Tumblers…they had tumblers back then?

Hey Jamaca…you got enough knives?


The Blarney Cock

What the crap is edward spoon hands doing to Beau Bridges on the couch?

Peter Boyle’s feign death was awesome.


Moonraker (1979) (126 min – Rated: PG)

Moonraker (1979) is the eleventh spy film in the James Bond series, and the fourth to star Roger Moore as the fictional MI6 agent James Bond. The third and final film in the series to be directed by Lewis Gilbert, it co-stars Lois Chiles, Michael Lonsdale, Corinne Cléry, and Richard Kiel. Bond investigates the theft of a space shuttle, leading him to Hugo Drax, the owner of the shuttle’s manufacturing firm. Along with space scientist Dr. Holly Goodhead, Bond follows the trail from California to Venice, Rio de Janeiro, and the Amazon rainforest, and finally into outer space to prevent a plot to wipe out the world population and to re-create humanity with a master race.

Opener: Welcome to my castle James, as you can see I am insanely rich…and I like to play the piano for hot lady models in the morning and feed my doberman’s red meat which I keep in this silver serving tray…also, this is my asian servant. He will surely be performing some kind of karate on you shortly.

Twitter:  Moonraker – Like jumping from a plane with a parachute then having it ripped away from you about halfway down. up until then it was a lot of fun. now…a lot of arm waving and screaming.


Stuff I Loved:

Gah…you got me…you well dressed man…guess that is what I get for looking down the barrel of my gun…from the inside.

We named the space shuttle Moonraker…crap…wrong bond.

Sweet. Look at these convenient human sized cargo holds.

Andy Samberg’s dad is one of the shuttle thieves

OOOOHH..Red Phone! Batman….where is the cake cover?

Ha…this movie is puny.  Last leg.

Who wears a parachute helmet like that…

Punches and kicks used to sound weird in movies.

Must keep hands in frame as I chase down guy for parachute.

Alright…I don’t care what you say….the skydive fight scene is one of the best in bond.

What’s the difference between skydiving and falling to your death. A parachute and a lot of screaming and arm waving.

Ha!! Loved the look Jaws when he realized his rip cord was useless.


Hey…these bond chics aren’t even nekk’d in the opening scenes.

Can we just say how iconic the bond intros are. Wait…that was a booby. Apparently, if a booby shot is over 30 years old it is PG. Cause that lady is probably a grandma by now…and grandma boobs are PG..what teenager would get excited at 30 year old booby.

Look at’s a mirror.

A “fine tooth” comb

Standard issue minigun watch.

So this is top secret location then…I mean with the big “Moonraker” stenciling on the

As part of worker conformity week…everybody has to wear tight white polyester workout uniforms…and we are going to be doing a lot of toe touches.

I am insanely rich…and I like to play the piano for hotties in the morning and feed my doberman’s red meat I keep in this silver serving tray…also, this is my asian servant. He will surely be performing some kind of karate on your shortly.

Cucumber Sandwich? No? Then how about

Dr. GoodHead…I don’t get it. Is that some kind of sexual reference?

Nerdy Sexy ladies. “Holly Goodhead” Who turns that into something naughty. Because really…there is nothing very sexual about the name Goodhead…I mean…it probably is just a family name that means her forefathers were probably smart as well…but nooooo…Bond has nothing but sex on the mind.

I have a “chicken switch”

Hey…while you are here…I think we should randomly put you into a g-force machine…that probably takes about 8 hours to calibrate before anyone gets in…but we got it all warmed up for you.

Push the Chicken Switch ya durn fool!

Calculating…calculating. You are screwed.

Everybody knows you keep the primary motivator for a g-force machine in the dashboard.

If you shoot the speedometer in a machine it will stop…dur.

I can’t walk after I get off a tire swing. No way could I take that many g’s and walk away.

I don’t think she wants to kiss you bond. No wait…I was wrong. Bow-chic-a-bow-wow

That chic just told you she didn’t know how to read. But you just kept right on shagging her didn’t you. She needs your help to get out of an abusive relationship not your penis Mr. Bond. Not your penis.

beep beep boop….beep beep boop.

Oh you impressed the illiterate house slave with your fancy electronic safe opening tools.

Ha…007 spy camera. Bet I want one of those.

Dude…that cook is one bad apple. When does he have time to cook anything stalking bond.

Part of our Astronaut training is shooting pheasant

2001 space odyssey?

I am rich…..see…I even have a little broom in my hat…I use it to sweep up little messes when my servants are not looking.  

Come on randy…you can’t tell me he shot a man out of a tree with a shotgun.

Run lady…run! She never even got to learn how to read.

Climb a tree stupid. You can’t outrun dogs. You can outclimb them. Bam…that’s why dogs hate cats.

Dang the glass lady is hot.

Go anywhere you wish….wait! not there stupid. Why you take me so literal…that is staff only.

Hey lady…they have better security on a phone at walmart. beeeep…yeah…that is going to stop me from stealing a 1 million dollar glass thingy.

I would love to ride on one of those Italian mime boats…as long as it doesn’t go up against one of the knife throwing casket boats.

If your whole schtick is knives….maybe you should be a little better than that. Imagine all the hours of prep work to just take one to the chest by an amatuer.

Wait…whose boat is that? Was that mime pilot in co-hoots? cause bond just totally sold that dude out.

Red ribbon straw hats are not for everyone.

What the crap…is that the tone from Close Encounters of the Third Kind? It was!


For the scene involving the opening of the musical electronic laboratory door lock in Venice, producer Albert R. Broccoli requested special permission from director Steven Spielberg to use the five-note melody from his film Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977). In 1985, Broccoli would return the favour by fulfilling Spielberg’s request to use the James Bond theme music for a scene in his film, The Goonies (1985)

Eeek…somebody took the raptor dna

Way to go bond…you just killed us all.

The accidental murderer…sorry Lab techs…I left this where it would fall and kill you all.

Bond has on clonky shoes…should be easy to find.

Like a bamboo fencer in a glass shop.

“You!!….You put mayonnaise on my cucumber sandwich and now this…oh you are so going down…also…you scream like you have a deviated septum.”

Bond is way OP

Standard CIA equipment? You mean like a purse phone?

Does CW mean anything to you? Yes…Supernatural. The Hugleys

Dang…I don’t remember scary clown suit…that was awesome!!

Secret agents have secret fights…fight club? Never let the public know.

alright…alright…you have steel teeth…but does that give you superhuman jaw strength?

Apparently he already had plenty of strength…nevermind…can climb

“His name is jaws…he kills people” – I just wrote your wiki

Dolly. I think that pushup bra may be pushing up too much.

Look at that grill

Nothing suspicious about a bunch of dudes rushing to your aid with some

Worst ambulance driver ever

7Up had a vested interest in this movie

You would really think there would be better rear doors with some kind of safety thing to keep people from flying out of the rear of them and rolling down the street. Same with Herts.

Wait…when did this become a western? and Karate Monks. What the crap…Laser guns! SOLD

Don’t see too many River speed boats.

These boat henchmen really conform to the henchmen uniform code.

There is a lot of action in this movie.

I would have thought there would have been a lot more moon in MoonRaker

Bond seems to be all about timing. I can’t remember the last time I was parasailing and saw a beautiful woman lead me on a foot chase.

Man…Roger Moore has a cleft in his chin to make someone with a clefty chin jealous.

These women take a weird pleasure in watching a dude die

Jaws loves grabbing people by the head.

Holy cow. 6 MoonRakers!

I’m starting to think some of these dude just joined the moonraker initiative to make out with models.


Jaws turns out to be a good guy

All the lasers are blue…how are you suppose to know who the bad guy is?

Drax should just shut up.