INTRO

Oh hi,

Hey! Young, Dumb and Full of Gum, who told you that you could park on my shooting range…where’s my whistle!

Oh…well hello there…you must be Kathryn Bigelow’s wet dream….I mean…I’m just saying it’s raining out here and you are fulfilling her artist dreams..

Anywho, it’s your turn to take aim at hilariously illustrated bad guys & gals here at the “Sunday Funnies Shooting Range” where it’s funny to shoot stuff in the head… or foot. Because everybody knows… foot trauma is the best form of humorous karma.

Ok, Sammy Idaho or Billy Arkansas or whatever your deal is…If at any point you are “looking California and feeling Minnesota” then just stop. Because at that point “break”…I have probably foreshadowed too far into the future.

C’mon…these are the 90s jokes Brah! Smile already, oh wow…4 out of 5 Dentists agree…that’s creepy…Ok…smiling…it ain’t your thing.

Now where’s my whistle! 100% sure you are going to take your shirt off in about 5 minutes if I don’t get out of here.

Constantine (2005)

R | 2h 1min | Drama, Fantasy, Horror | 18 February 2005 (USA)

[usr 10.0]

Intro: Ok…Yeah…Hello, I’m a bad Keanu Reeves Impression…Woah…and I just crawled back from hell to drop some knowledge about my goody two-shoes doppleganger, the real Keanu Reeves… Excellent…Listen…The man is obsessed with chairs. Like the Red Chair in the Matrix with Morpheus and the pills and the talks. The Jack-In Chair in the Matrix. The Jack-in Chair in Johnny Mnemonic…You are welcome Ibbott…The “Al Pacino is the devil… and a Chair” on the promotional poster of Devil’s Advocate….and That one time on the subway when he gave away his chair. IN REAL LIFE!

If Keanu had a spirit animal it would be a chair. Woah…Excellent

Alright, got to go. Peter Stormare is making chicken and waffles tonight. Hell ya later!

IMDB

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0360486/

Wikipedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Constantine_(film)

YouTube Trailer

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEa508Xmmio

Twitter: Constantine (2005) –

Like a throat punch from Keanu Reeves to get rid of your neck demons. Woah…Excellent…

Notes:

Where you going DC!

Durn all the distributor companies just burned in hell

Spear of Destiny

Stuff goes missing during WWII…cause Hitler was always stealing stuff and hiding it…can he was a jerk face.

Dog is scavenger …like man…man dog scavenger.

Just gonna bury this hear Nazi flag with Jesus’ death spear

this flag matches…which kind of matches my track suit.

Breathing man…is breathing….and dirty…

Uh…your hombre done got smashed up. bad.

That tea pot has seen better days. Put it to the flame!!

Honey….I brought you tea…oh nevermind…I see you done had enough stimulation today.

Trope…demons

Bottom shot…top shot. long top shot. (worm, bird, higher bird)

So much amazing imagery

Hey, did somebody call a smoking priest?

Time for some exorcism

Ahhh…that’s the key….what..you don’t like that?

Who stands on a bed asshole.

Constantine…asshole.

My feet do that sometimes…when the cat attacks them.

Constantine throat punch! and I need a mirror…3 feet high…we got a hobbit demon!

Chad Crammer asshole…Shia Labouf ain’t so bad…right…

The best exorcisms happen on the 2nd floor…everybody knows that.

Don’t look asshole!

Maybe I should have been more specific…a mirror 3 feet high and only 2 feet wide.

It’s Two-Face!

Bowl Bowl Bowl…Cocktail Snacks! Bowl

I need me a single chain pull blind system…

Chain-Smoker-sTine

It’s been like a long time since confession.

I killed a man today…

Room 427

A lot of crosses in this movie

Isabelle has bad dreams.

Pretty sure you shouldn’t be coughing up blood.

love these shots.

Ha! Constantine thought he was being clever by not holding the door and saying something smart ass…not if I can help it.

Dead Cows! Cows be dropping like flies

I need you to get me a moo cup…

Screech Beetle…let’s shake his box up.

Don’t waste the Dragon’s Breath!

Skinny fellow with the fat friend

I got wangs!

What you think about my surfer hair! Dude looks like a lady!

You can’t earn your way into heaven….

You are going to hell for the lives that you took? who he take?

Murders!

I got the power to rub newspapers…look at my black hands. Does that work with internet sites now?

Quicktime player…who uses that.

That is one convenient security camera…with audio…

The supernatural love using the phone…they don’t know how they work…but they love using them…Hello? who is this….asshole….

Damn billboards and their double meanings.

Swarm demon got wasted…

Papa Midnight is a legend.

Kid…if you say Jon on one more time…I am gonna kill ya.

These angels are androgynous

No no…things are balanced!

Dude…that is gross…finger licking good indeed.

Taking it out on the spider. A little smoke in a glass.

Legion or cult…

Nobody believes nobody! in this movie

Constantine is kind of a bitter dick. So..suck it…I’m releasing our spider smoke.

“What if I told you….” speech.

I got my feet pot…gonna stick my shoes in it…

Do you ever get that burning feeling when you look deep into a cat’s eyes.

Demon soldiers gots no skull tops.

Hell looks a lot like a Megadeth Album Cover.

Priest with a flasher overcoat is the best priest

Dodson…we got Dodson here.

Do you know how many dead people are in that morgue. All of them.

2 minutes in hell is a lifetime.

Dodson here…

That dead guy was my friend. He left a symbol in his hand.

The Bible in Hell.

The devil had a son too…cause he is the devil…and he likes to do it.

Fly eye! Brundlefly in my eye.

Meanwhile in Mehico…A white guy is carjacked by a demon

A lot of shots of no head tops.

are those Cthulhu tats?

It’s like a baptism that goes horribly wrong.

Wait wait wait…you didn’t say nothing about no drowning!!

She be coming out of the tub…..

Balthazar!

What’s in those jars? Was he collecting his own body fluids?

Increase in paranormal activity.

Trope…stay in the car…wear this…nope!

Fire!…I was born of this.

Grandstanding in the demon’s office…

Come on Neo…fly after her.

Reeves is always looking for a chair…Johnny Mnemonic had the brain chair…Matrix had the Matrix chair…Constantine has the Midnight electric chair.

I see you stalking me in your astral body…I choke you!

I need me a big ole Van Helsing Style Monster fighting gun.

I sure hope they don’t kill my apprentice.

Men In Black/ Ghostbusters moment. Get back to your appropriate locations. You are not suppose to be here.

Squeeel like a demon pig.

They always trying to drown her.

You do not want to be the lady who hatches the son of the devil from her giggly belly.

Something to fight for! You done killed my Apprentice.

Time for me to use my Neo powers!

Gabriel is wearing medical bracelets like a fashion statement. Along with white chaps.

Got to be a better way than slitting your wrists

He is the Devil!! Not a Russian Cosmonaut

What do ya want….exteeeeension…

How did the devil forget about the sacrifice…

Suck it devil.

Noooo….looks like there is more work to do here on earth…plus…cancer free.

What did I learn? nothing.

Hide it…like in a Nazi Flag in Mexico…no wait….somewhere better.