The Quest

The Quest (1996) – Hey. oh hi, Mr Van Damme. Huge fan. Totally stoked about showing you my Drunken Monkey moves during our fight scenes. Buuuut, you might not want to be doing crotch stretches in the directors chair. I don’t know who is directing this thing…but I’m pretty sure that is not allowed. Oh. You are “the director”…alright, kinda regretting telling my entire village I was going to be in a big hollywood  movie now. ahhh…schlitz. Muey Tai


The Quest – Stop me if you have heard this one before. An old man walks into a bar…oh…not stopping me eh.Too bad. How about…Bloodsport. Had enough?


Stuff I Loved:

Movie starts with Old Van Damme in Bar. Any movie that starts with a bar that has a big neon Schlitz sign is a-ok by me.

A little taste of whiskey in your coffee? What are you…and enabler. You irish cliche of a bartender.

Street thugs. I got a biker…a pimp and Indian?

Pretty good old man makeup for Van Damme.

What is this goofy ass sappy music they are playing?

Hey…it’s Tib’et

Roger Moore!! Janet that your real name?

The faceless fencer.

The music is all over the place.

Phew…sumo man….neck up onl….eeeek! Man boobs!

I love suspenders and no shirt. Sweaty! Fighter!

It’s like Mortal Kombat prequel.

Wait…Directed by Jon Claude!!

Laugh clown laugh

Man on stilts should not be a smart ass and bop people on the head with pins…or you may get knocked down

Trying to out Jackie Chan…Jackie Chan. Fight on stilts

Van Damme and his little thugs. Billy…here is a Fiv’ Go get something nice. What is this crap!! a loaf of bread?

best way to murder kids…car and a few tommy guns

“Hey…nobody steals from me…nobody.”

If you can beat up the people you want to steal from. Why would you get a bunch of orphans mixed up in your crap.

I think his name is Dubeux…since they have said it like 500 times.

Some of these shots are fantastic. beautiful. great color…great costumes. Then bam. Let’s throw in a slo mo shot…ruined.

French Filmmaking

Hey…I thought they were going to put him in chains…..oh..just on his hands…

Hey…these pirates are gun runners…WTH!

Cannon ball blasts sure make you jump funny.

How to class up your frenchy film. Roger  Moore..and a James bond joke. Dobbs…Harry Dobbs. Harry Knobs

Your sores look nasty Ban Damne.

Moi Tai fighter!!

First part of training is…carry bamboo across the beach. Good for upper body strength…plus it is a shit job that no one else wants to do. Nah…just kidding…we live in paradise.

Always with the kicking of sand. Stupid bullies.

Well Well Well…Mrs. Prissy.

Isn’t that Van Dammes Wife’?

Who smokes a cigarette of that size?

We have gathered the greatest fighters in the world. Including Hank Azaria

Also, This really fat dude with a little bitty bum in his head…and some Jamacan fighter…who is totally not stoned.

Every fighter has a theme.

Fighter Move bingo…this lady is on it.

He’s moving like an animal…no kidding…more like a snake!

When will they have the big 4 arms guys come out.

Does home team get to play their own music?

Kilt fighter takes it to the nuts…apparently that is legal. Why didn’t everybody do that.

Japan vs Africa…who has no martial arts skills…but sure can shake it.

Just like America to send in a french man to fight for them.

Some really nicely choreographed fighting scenes.

The first guy Van Damme fights looks way too similiar…couldn’t tell who I was suppose to pull for.

HAHA…New York City…that’s your battle cry…NEW YORK CITY

Woo Woooo Woooo…did he just break that guys arm…pretty sure that was an illegal move.

Mongolia is scary…mustache.

Love monkey style…love it.

Mongolia looks like a really buff Montel Williams

Mongolia….”here’s your fighter back…sorry I broke him.”

Oh man…when Van Damme went down when the Spanish dude kicked him…that face was all kinds of flapping.

All you have to do to beat Van Damme is push on that knot on his forehead. Easy Pleasy.

Sumo Charge is all you got?

I will punch your fat until you are dead!

No one will suspect a blimp. Plus it’s super quiet…unless you are talking about this super load diesel engine…then it’s all kinds of loud.

Pretty sure china is fighting with bags on his feet.

Send out the crimson guard

No one takes a punch quite like Van Damme

Come on Van Damme…Leg Split! Leg Split!!


I didn’t get a Muay Tie Hand book…what does that gesture mean?

Wait…we are already fighting.l..why are we taking it outside?

Is this legal?

OOOhh…we are on the street…Street rules! Wait…we already have been killing people and kicking people in the nuts…what rules were we honoring inside? No Fish hooking? Rim  Hooking?

Come on Van Damme…just give up already.

Are you wearing your dead boyfriend’s bandana.

“Get in there and finish him moment”…love those.


ha. ha…those guys that helped you the first time you almost fell and you freaked out at them…they didn’t catch you the second time. Douche.

oooooh…the golden dragon is a medallion…I thought I was going to win the big one in the courtyard…fuuuuu….

am I watching Benjamin Buttons? or is this a flashback.

We were reading a book? Not watching a movie?


LockOut (2012) – Now, the next part is very important. The French are going to take you. Emilie, stay focused, baby. This is key. You will have 60, maybe 90 minutes. Very important minutes. Leave your personal communication device on the floor. Concentrate. Shout out everything you see about them. Hair color, eye color, tall, short, irish. Anything you see. You understand?

also, Penal Area

Twitter: LockOut – made me wish for a  Rated R Rainman. Yeah…definitely F You…yeah…F… you yeah. 22 toothpicks. Also, Penal Area


Stuff I Loved:

You bent my cigarette.

I’m gonna make a lots of banging your wife jokes.

Hey it’s the crazy Russian from Armageddon.

What happened in that motel room?

Mace is calling

It’s a double cross.

His name was Fuck-u. He was Asian.

Guy beating him up is Rupert.

Take my Zippo.

Apparently in the future…if the ground forces fail. Then…we shoot the hell out of you with the helicopter.

Oh man…that building to window slam is awesome.

Music is pretty good. Very appropriate.

Oh man. The motorcycle (monocycle? no front wheels) chase scene is almost unwatchable. I can make better graphics on my Amiga.

We have secrets about a space program?

Hey. It’s the guy from Jericho

My dog’s name is Snow

mace has really bad luck. Drops his gun in a bump and blows away a cop.

Snow really hotboxed that cigarette. Also, cigarettes in movies…making a comeback?

Abraham Lincoln bust in the future white house.

I just need to see the First Daughter…yeah ya do.

Hey it’s the chick from Taken. “I want you to listen very carefully. You are going to land on a supermax space prison…and bad things are going to happen.”

Penal Area…hehe…MS1…get out of my Penal area

Your radiation suit will beep? It better scream.

Let’s put these prisoners to sleep. Minority Report. Judge Dredd?

We don’t allow weapons are the prisoner side..but sure…why not…let’s pull a ConAir and sneak one on anyways.

Spade? Is that when they take your nuts out?

30 year statis on MS1? What kind of punishment is Statis?

“Can’t she out of the eye anymore?” What is he saying. I need subtitles.

Irish are bad. Let’s put them in space prison.

People locked up always have really good sense of smell.

What was he? A pop cocker? I really need subtitles.


Hey lab boy…alarms are going off on the space prison. When someone runs through and tells you to hide. Hide!!!

Oh…Wilhelm Scream as prisoner walks out of stasis and off the bridge.

You know what I would do if I was in a prison and came out of stasis. Get into a huge fight! Cause I am in-sane-s

Shouldn’t the sleeping gas come on automatically when the alarms go off? nope…let’s depend on a guard to do it 15 minutes afterwards. So close.

If I can’t beat up the boss…I will shove a lab assistant

Love button pushing irish psychos

In the future. We get our own telemetries. Well..if you are the president’s daughter anyways.

Let’s send in 1 man. That’s the plan.

Castrate myself with blunt rocks.

Snow and his FBI/Gmen buddy are pretty good at passing notes in class.

Wait…this movie was made after we retired the shuttles. So we go back to the shuttles?

We have a place that is not on the schematics.

Space Madness!!

Far from me to tell you how to suck eggs.

Warden always get’s the shit end in these movies. Wardens are always corrupt.

haha…seen something like that….ahhhhh…love crazy irish guy

mmm…hate when the alternate camera is capturing someone saying something facing away from the camera and is obviously not saying what was filmed. Like when the negotiator is begging for them not to kill him. Lamers

Luc Besson is awesome! better than Van Damme

What is a Sherman tank? It’s 70 years in the future.

What would an action film about breaking in some place be without environmental or cooling ducts. GIANT BLADE FANS!

Aright, floating tube fight is pretty cool. I squinched my butthole.

hehe…I love the prisoner who asks…”what is that?”..when they were watching the tube tortion fight over the closed circuit security system. Shutup.

Worst secret service agent ever.

NOOOO…why can’t they ever find a way to inject stuff that ain’t painful.

ahh…the classic movie face to crotch fall. FELATIO!

President’s daughter is kind of a douche. Pretty little spoiler princess

She asks him “Do you always….” a lot.

Do not MacGyver my makeup and hair

Bowling is still a thing 70 years from now?

Think this movie would have been better as an alternate universe instead of in the future.

Hey…we finally escaped stasis…let’s all stand around and form clicks like in a regular prison.

Have you ever headbutted someone in the nose….have a feeling it would still hurt like hell…especially if you missed and hit their teeth.

Democrats in 70 years…that’s a thing…and so are the jokes.

Oh…man..2 weeks of stasis really screwed Mace up. Now he is Rainman with tourettes.

Rated R Rainman. Yeah…definitely Fuck You…yeah…fuck you yeah.

Wow…not many redundant protocols if your whole plan to keep a space prison in orbit depends on 1 dude…who is on the prison!!

Man. You really can’t trust crazy skinny prison guy at all.

Snow Fall is my callsign? You get Home Fire and I get Snow Fall…eeesh. c’mon man…

Maybe one of the best bad guys in any filmsack movie

I’m too fat.

Would love a free fall suit

Our hero hates heights….but wait…he has to do height things!!

Emily sure runs out of oxygen a lot in this movie.

Would loved a Liam Neeson cameo.

Hospitals do not change much in 70 years.

Good thing that code was easy to remember.

Where did Snow get cigarettes?

Why would you take a very fragile piece of tech and put it into your pocket when it has been safe in your zippo lighter through hell and back..

The Adventures Of Ford Fairlane

The Adventures Of Ford Fairlane (1990) – Come out and Andrew Dice Claaay Ayy

And not a single woman was exploited that day. oh wait. wrong movie


The Adventures Of Ford Fairlane – I didn’t understand half of your racial slurs but I did love your rock and roll heart. Can’t believe no one mentioned the dead koala.


Stuff I Loved:

Scooby Doo

Must really put my hate for the schtich

555 callout. Good job.

Rock and Roll Detective

The Guy from the Warriors….Come out and Claaay Ayy

The Run Of Shame

Every movie is better with a Tone Loc Cameo

“Sucking my Dick.” What is that.

The right amount of Gilbert Godfrey in a movie

Very Scooby Doo.

Scooby Doo with Fuck.

Moustache number 3. Ed O Neal.

Booty Time…Ed O’Neal

What is up with the animated Koala Bear?

Laughing Bad Guy. Kicks your ass while laughing…dying…generally a happy guy (Robert Englund)

I don’t understand half of the racial slurs this movie throws out.

Dice Clay was ok when the chic was dead and in his crotch. He freaked out a little when she was alive.

Dead Koala

So much bad teeth in this movie

My Favorite licence plate “UNPOOR”

And not a single woman was exploited that day.

Who uses a corvette as a weapon. c’mon.

Angry Red Planet

Angry Red Planet (1959)  83 min  Unrated

The Angry Red Planet (aka Invasion of Mars and Journey to Planet Four) is a 1959 science fiction film starring Gerald Mohr and directed by Ib Melchior. Melchior was only given 10 days and a budget of $200,000 to make the film.[1]

This necessitated the use of a CineMagic technique, which involved using hand drawn animations together with live action footage, and was used for all scenes on the surface of Mars. Although this process was largely unsuccessful, producer Norman Maurer would attempt the same technique again in The Three Stooges in Orbit.[2]


Tandem Telescope. It takes a couple of nerds to operate that.

The rad men. Who volunteers to go scan for radiation? is that a safe job?

No…stop it sam…stop! you are winding too  fast. slow down…like this…around one rotation per second…stop! stop!  you know what sam…screw you….I hate you talked me into Tandem Telescope as a job. Screw the radiation! It’s a girl.

 NOW THROUGH THE NEXT AUDIO MICARCLE – SACK-O-MAGIC….which is not being broadcasting to you now.

Now through the next audio miracle – Sack-O-Magic…

Sack-O-Magic is not being broadcasted to you now.

Feel the fire hot breath of a 40 foot monster.

Twitter: Angry Red Planet – Like an888888888888888888888888000000000000000000000000000000000000 3 eye’d peeper behind a space rock. You’ll crap when you see it. or scream and pass out.

Stuff I Loved:

I will just point at this map until the other actors get here

MR1 appears to be a dead ship

This table is too high!

That’s a tall order George!

Professor Whiner…can you please complain about how hard this will be to retrieve the ship?

This is a room about space…see the posters we have on the wall.

Are you seriously drawing on the radar screen with that permanent marker?

You have to talk like this in the control room.

Newspaper cut scenes

The only way a lady can make it in the field of man is if her dad was already in it.

Tandem Telescope. It takes a couple of nerds to operate that.

The rad men. Who volunteers to go scan for radiation? is that a safe job?

The girl. The hell with radiation. It’s a girl!!

The girl is our only hope.

For a second I was thinking we were going to do the Fantastic Four Origin Story

Do you mind. I am trying to look at this space port…i do not need you to stand half a foot behind me.

I think that dude just made up a song about 2 moons.

Who takes a red head to space…with a popped collar.

All these dudes are meatballs.

Easy Fox Baker

When is Chow…now I know why they brought the lady. Somebody had to cook.

Really…they made the lady do all the secretary work.

Surprised they didn’t have her patching the spacesuits.

Just have to put my perfume on in between

47 days with this crowd.

Should we go out and claim the planet in the name of brooklyn.

Turn up the outside microphones.

You do not want Oxygen Consumption to go to Extreme

Well I got my exploring pipe ready.

That port hole should be called the “uncomfortable area.” Everybody gets in real tight and looks dreamy out the port hole.

What beings could possibly know how to be quiet.

Takes a brave man to admit he is scared. It also takes a big loser. loser.

Old fashioned woman hater.

oooh…amnesia…and a quality of un-reality

I could really use some Morgan Freeman to dumb down the science.

Who ya gonna call….GHOSTBUSTERS! look at those uniforms

3 eyes…what a crazy peeping Tom!

My first experience with Cinemagic….was underwhelming.

Well…aren’t we just pleased with ourselves. Mr. Freeze and the fantastic gun slap man.

You guys couldn’t hear that whipperwhil?

Really…had to come all the way to mars to find a damsel in distress

Did you just kiss your freeze ray gun? That’s sounds unsafe.

Neuro Vege Muscular Creature

Cleopatra the freeze gun and engineer

Shake it like a polaroid picture

Breakfast. Hot coffee and vitamins

Oh wait…that aint’ a Tree…I just chopped off your crab feeler….

Other than this annoying noise….how can I tell if this stupid freeze gun is working?

Insta Blind!! Great jorb.

Wait a minute irish…before we have another tree chopping incident on our hands. Let me scan that lake before you touch it.

At least not life as we know it.

Rat-Bat-Spider Nightmare.

Are we flying yet?

The control

Grab the lifeboat out of the spaceship….we did bring a lifeboat right?

Paddle faster!

The 3 eyed peeper!

Geez…your answer is always freeze gun.

Rotating eyeball. that makes sense.

Just one last freeze…goodbye.

Oh look…you can see him being digested.

Stop rubbing my helmet…I’m a big girl.

Tom sure is proud of his hairy chest.

“Check me out.”

Why is tom going righty tighty on that panel.

It’s alright…It’s just a little chest pain.

DId you catch that last message Iris? You didn’t? cause you passed out? Typical 50s woman.

Tom’s lick lipping makes me uncomfortable.

Only kind of woman in this movie….redhead. The first professional woman.

Prince Of Darkness

Prince Of Darkness (1987) – Alright, the end of times is over. All you hobos can go home now. Oh wait. Carry on. Has anyone seen Susan? The Radiologist. With  Glasses. Homosexual Panic


Prince Of Darkness –  Like a Test tube antichrist spitting up evil mouth squirts this movie will make you puke. Panic.


Stuff I Loved:


Did The Prince Of Darkness give you that moustache?

Homosexual Panic

The father of Satan!

Crazy Christ

Susan is very forgettable. (The radiologist…with glasses)

Ok. The anti christ has been banished. All the hobos can go home now. oh wait. they don’t have a home.

Got an anti-god complex

apparently in the future…aka 1999 we can send messages back through time. at least as far back as the 80’s. Also, We took to calling the year’s by one-9-9-9…hey…the mark of the beast..upside down plus 1!

The middle child of John Carpenter’s apolyptic triology

Damnation Alley

Damnation Alley (1977) –  Things you never heard after this movie in 1977. Thank the gods this movie has good special effects to make up for the bad accents. Just watch my style son


Damnation Alley – Perry is dead. It don’t mean this movie is good or bad. It just means Perry is dead.


Stuff I Loved:

Is that mustache for real?

Just watch my style son

Those scorpions look real good

Stop drop and roll was not a thing during the 70s apparently

Who doesn’t want a triangle of wheels on their vehicles. All Terrain!

What accent is it that Peppard is using? He only uses it part of the time. Is it the mustache?

You have 2. Trucks. and everybody else is dead. Do you really need codenames for the trucks to announce who you are when you are talking to each other. LandMaster 1 to LandMaster 2.

Just like your family car…cept…well…nothing like your family car.

“Just call me when you want me to drive this mother”


Good thing this movie has good special effects to make up for the bad accents.

Great, We spent 2 days on naming these stupid vehicles and practice calling each other and 30 minutes into our trip we kill Perry and only have 1 truck.

I can just imagine them coming home from the grocery store. Stalker!

Bad Point Of View Actor. Actor who can not see the 6000 killer cockroaches surrounding them until they see 1 random roach.

This girl is a scream queen.

Roaches hate fire extinguishers.

I’m sure Scott has never seen the Big Salt Lake Gas Station.

That kid has deadly aim. Poor StringFellow Hawke didn’t have a chance.

The “Tour Director” joke is getting old. We get it. We don’t have anything anymore.