INTRO

Oh hi, Yes Sir Mr. President, per your orders, we dropped that bomb on those filthy cold war Russians.  But I’m saddened to report sir… that we had some pretty unexpected results… Instead of dirty burnt radiated Ruskies it appears all we did was make their hair fuller and shinier. They couldn’t be happier when we flew back by. Where did you say we got that plutonium from? Ithaca?

or

Yes, Hello…is this Kremlin? This is top secret KGB agent reporting in. I have just returned from American nuclear facility in Ithaca. I have brought with me samples of American plutonium. I must say the mission was easier than we had imagined. Ronald Regan American’s are so over confident of their security that they left full sample on a table unguarded. However, if this sample represents the full force of the American’s might then we can sleep well comrade. Early tests have shown that their plutonium is not a very effective explosive. I feel so safe with this container that I slept with it under my pillow last night.  I was surprised to discover this morning that it had sprung a leak during my slumber. When I woke up I was sure that I would have radiation sickness. But instead my hair has never been fuller or shinier. and smell it….oh…this is a phone joke.

Yeah I know that’s not how that works. But this movie could be called “That’s not how any of this works…now get out of my glove box KidGyver.