This week on Filmsack we dig deep into Disney’s Darkest Hole. I mean we really get in there and dig around for nuggets of..oh….hold on guys…I’m getting an “ESP.” Uh huh..right…yeah..I’ll tell them…ok guys I just got a brain call from everyone’s favorite 1970 era sci-fi robot… old “one ball” B.O.B. …It appears he survived after all. However, he assimilated with Ernest Borgnine and now identifies as No Balls / Borg B.O.B….I’ll just let that one burn into your soul for a minute while you struggle to imagine a sweaty robot with a mustache. Does anybody have a 2 minute overture they want to play? Might help pass the time. No…
Alright! Oh wait! I’m getting another “ESP!” It’s V.I.N.Cent uh huh…right…yeah….I’ll tell ’em. V.I.N.Cent says he’s sorry. He’s sorry he asked all you lovely Filmsackers to endure this movie and he promises to never do it again. Nah I’m kidding…he started quoting some long dead philosopher and I remembered that this is ESP and I could just severe the connection. Click!
Well, I hope you enjoyed the view from the sidecar of my imagination…. and now here is that 2 minute overture I promised. No? Do you prefer commercials and 20 trailers before your movie? Fine. Then that is what you will get. …and now on with the show this is shit…this is PG! I can say that…it’s PG! we can talk about hell and everything!
The Black Hole (1979) – WTF! How is that an ending! Oh wait! I’m getting an “ESP!” Extra Spicy Poop
Switchblade open. Switchblade closed. Switchblade open…switchblade…shhh…shh..be quiet evil. Do you just want the pretty lady with the hair beads and white leisure suit to know I am hiding behind this shower curtain just inches away. The answer is… Not Yet! So, Switchblade open. Switchblade closed. Switchblade open…switchblade …oh it’s time! I just need a little redirection…a little cold water drip shower drip should do it. Oh…here comes the hand…the hand is here! oh wow…would you just look at that manicure…that’s nice…I really don’t take near good enough care of my nails. ah crap. Hand is gone. Focus Evil Focus
Switchblade open. Switchblade closed. Switchblade open…switchblade…oh I think she left the bathroom…let’s try this again. Cold water activated.. oh too much too much…stupid hotel shower handles and their mysteries. oh… She’s coming back! and now here comes the hand! focus… Happy New Years lady! Reek Reek Reek and Booby stab!
Great. Now I have blood all over me. But no worries…I’m already in the shower so just turn on a little water and too much! too much! Oh how I hate you hotel shower and how you have castrated me and that is not nice.
New Year’s Evil (1980) – Like a punk rocker with a switchblade comb standing toe to toe with a police officer…Tickets…Let’s Have your Tickets….Oh that is Evil.
Call me evil
For Christ Sake…do you know what time it is? Take my ludes!? bup that.
That is one mighty risky outfit Ron is wearing.
this music…bud duh dum.
Richard is in Palm Springs loaded and coked up.
Somebody fix that leak!! Reek Reek Reek
It happens. The drippy faucet mangler strikes again. He know you can’t resist the dripping water.
Since he attacked after the main door creeping open I can assume nothing.
What is this song…it is so late 70s
Do you reckon that is his grandma’s Lincoln? What would Matthew say.
So these are punks? too early for Goths?
That cop does not like the look of this punk scene. Tickets…Let’s Have your Tickets…
Switchblade comb….hilarious with your friends…good way to get ass stomped with the police
Spaceship America…Totally hot show…got to be on it moms. My part…series…mom…mom
Blaze is the first lady of Rock…The first VJ?
We call our’s New Year’s Evil…
Hollywood Hotline. This is Claire…my vote is “We don’t need no education”
You sound like the phantom. You bad honey? No! just Evil…Set the stage
Seattle Band Shadow
Always some angry kid dumping food working in the kitchen
Sanatoriums be just like this. Spot on.
Jeff Winters is going to charm himself right in the front door.
Jeff Winters always comes prepared…Wine…Music and Game.
Did we step into a porn?
He counts every second shuffle dance
Derrick Little Lord Fauntleroy can’t get no attention from his mommy…let’s turn to drugs
meanwhile back at the Jeff Winters room. bow chicha bow wow.
I guess every movie gets at least good idea….this one is killing during the new years hooting and hollering.
This group of fans are doing something between moshing and parquor.
This is Evil…remember me…Exterminate!
somewhere in the Sanatorium…have fun
Does everybody in the movie carry a switch of some sort. Either a blade or a comb.
Son…that is not how you wear mommy’s stockings ahh hoes no.
You ever see a real mustache that looked fake.
This cop needs to learn the term “personal space.”
The plan. Kill locals for every timezone passing through New Years
Erica Estrada Parta!
Oh goody…2 for 1 deal
Do you know what you need TM to Zen…Nervous Diarrhea
Riding the dumb blond in his Mercedes.
When A girls doesn’t have a date for new years…she is in shit city.
The biggest bottle of Champagne they got…as long as it is under $100 bucks.
Hey…smell my weed I keep in this baggie…closer…closer…that’s it..bam…suffocation!
He’s not real good at hiding bodies.
Well I must admit…I didn’t see that Oscar The Grouch scene coming. A real Swinger
blood…more blood…we better get some help…that’s too much blood for 2 guys
oh no…he stabbed her boob!
This guy has a weird manifesto
Distracted driving! Nun of your business.
This plan went sideways when you plowed down a biker gang.
Blood Feast! down at the drive-in
We don’t pay for tickets!
Hey…they ain’t watching movies! They are doing dirty things ! Blowing pot and touching private areas
I am a man of God…not a man of violence…Stab Stab!
Where are the Fing keys? “In the ignition man!”
Listen Mister….I only got 3 dollars.
and my body!
haha…how this blonde runs. Brillant
A sequential part
Mutilated Breasts…that’s a mother’s fixation.
Hey Officer can you give me a hand over here…I think I found a drunk…nope…it was just a brick
Orderly, Swinger, Priest now Cop…He’s living out a pornstar dream.
Like Father Like Son
Did her screaming knock the police offer out?
Instant Replay. Miracle of modern technology!
“Ladies are not very nice people.’ – Very Very Selfish.
You castrated me and that is not nice.
me and the kid are going to the RoseBowl and you can sleep in.
and now the final thoughts of a deer crossing a snowy road on Christmas Eve.
You know what…I think I could totally be a reindeer. Those guys have it made. Oh Man…I wish…I mean working only one day a year and then just hanging out with short pointy eared humans the rest of the time and eating cookies and…. hey…what’s that! It’s so bright…is that the sun? I thought it was like almost midnight. Well you know what? I think I will just stop right here in the middle of the road and enjoy this unexpected miracle sunrise….oh shit! What’s happening! I’m in the air! Did my Christmas Wish come true! Am I reindeer!? Look at me momma deer! I’m flying! Odd…why does flying hurt so much!? Perhaps if I flail and kick about really hard I can gain some altitude…nope…here comes the ground. ouch. Life is pain.
Well this is unfortunate. Perhaps the dream of being a reindeer was oversold by the deer media. Merry Freaking Christmas to me. Oh deer, I am pretty sure I broke every bone in my body. Hey, a human angel with flashing earlobes approaches. Perhaps she will heal me with her magical heal-y powers…nope…neck broken. Merry Christmas to all and to all a long kiss my ass goodnight.
No animals were harmed in the making of this intro. However, Earl dead.
The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996) – Like an intense episode of Who’s the Father on Maury. Timothy…you …are…TOTALLY THE FATHER….look at them eyes…you’ll die screaming.
Mystery opening montage with flashing clues…girl name? Locations
Elvis! Christmas time parade
Mrs Clause is hot! and Santa is drunk
Samantha King (kane or king)
A key on her charm bracelet
8 years ago…2 months pregnant
Focal Retrograde Amnesia
We named the teddy bear Mr. Perkins
She’s got amnesia..too weird.
Genna Davis has a great smile.
Ugly Sweater Contest
May the best of your past be the worst of your future.
I used to hire the expensive detectives
ahhh “She Kissed her goodnight” the woman she was. A long kiss
you make an ass out of “u” and umption? ass out of u and me? what does that mean anyways?
I can see from your choice here you are not a wealthy man.
A detective scam artist on the side
Why is Santa Earl so drunk.
Man…she can’t catch a break…Amnesia and now runs into a dear and kills Earl
snap that deer neck and take a dead deer nap
Santa really got what he wanted.
That is one angry inmate
My name is Charlie and I smoke and I got slicked back blonde hair.
She is dangerous with that knife. Fire up the saxophone..and chop up some stuff. and…nope…Chef’s do that.
One Eye’d Jack is out.
Life is pain…now skate you little shit…get used to that fractured wrist
That is some terrible caroling…ahh…by gunpoint!
Ha! Home alone fall..
holy hell…what kind of gun is that. Blowing holes in the wall.
I want my eye back bitch?
so One-Eye Jack picked up his name after Genna poked it out…how the crap did he recognize her in that tv prison in a prison TV with one good eye?
What the hell was in that pie?
Chef’s do that?
Throw the kid out of the house.
Hubby didn’t stand a chance
Trained in counter assassination.
Can you say healthcare? You spent our funding on healthcare!!
ahh..tit talk with Geena and Samuel
The long kiss goodnight is about the dog licking his ass
I sing the things I do so I don’t forget them. Dun dun dun dun dun
Oh Phoey I burned the muffins…what up with that
Put that gun together gump
Take your money…I’m out…now give me my money
dun dun dun dun…put my keys in my left pocket….put my gun in the right.
a million one liners
Your father was Royal Ranger. It’s a lot of info.
haha…you thinking what I’m thinking…I hope not…I’m thinking my balls are hurting.
Your daughter Cat-Head?
That’s a duck not a dick.
Who are you William Shatner?
Take a deep breath…we are going to do the torture thing.
Davis plays both the damsel and hero
You can’t drown Charlie.
Gross…don’t depants dead dude for a crotch gun.
Poor naked Jackson in a hole.
Deflowering virgins…distract from the pain
Daniel pee’ing himself…gross?
The Kitty Cat – Bad Hair Day.
Do you have any idea how long it takes to put on ice skates.
He’s got the kid!
Time to use the phone company
Niagara Falls…Operation Honeymoon.
I am not a complete Ogre! Here is a stupid doll this kid is too old for.
Should have called it operation Elf Drop
This is the last time I will be pretty
Candle in the window…
What the crap was that for?
Budget Cuts…I had to recruit the bad guys.
Oh shit. They are my eyes!
We are going to take a nap together…a really cold nap.
You are going to die screamng…called it.
Geez…classic henchman mistake….leave someone to die in an elaborate way….we ain’t got time to watch you die.
Good thing Macgyver had a plan. Gas Baby Pee Pee Pants.
Gimmie that spark!
Mommy…do you need a match?
Genna be snapping necks.
Kids do the stupidest things
Not the best plan.
He has a gun. He has a knife. Gun…Knife
He has to die screaming.
He died…nope…he did scream though
Caitlin is running….
Life is pain…get used to it….get to moving. You ain’t dead.
This is the most walking dead heroes shit I have seen. All of these people should be dead…and they look dead too
Jack be nibble, jack be quick, jack jump over the…hold on…hold on…wait a second….are we just going to overlook the fact that the sheriff’s little maniac of a son Ryan who cooked up a sandwich baggie full of Anti-Freeze oats to feed his dad a week before Christmas is not at least as big of an issue as the killer snowman in our midst?! Deep Fried Jack Balls! That kid has the makings of the next mythical horror killer franchise.
So when Ryan “The Oat Bag” Tiler is not playing the role of Cop Killer by Antifreeze he is out front of his house pulling some Frosty the Slay-man shit by bringing a murderer to life with a magical strangling scarf and carrots to rape with. ..Happy Birthday… (like in that Frosty cartoon with the magic hat) Bam…Billy just lost his head by a sled and is totally dead. Let’s go make Oats!
Listen sheriff you got a problem and it’s not the 12 quarts of coffee and bottle of antifreeze you drank today…Touch my finger…touch my knee…thank the lord my kids aren’t trying to kill me!. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-ha-ha-ha-ha not the one with Michael Keaton.
Jack Frosty (1997) – What’s the difference between Snowmen and Snowwomen? Poorly sculpted snow boobs? Go get Doc Peters.
Where is Michael Keaton
I had that tree topper angel.
Uncle Henry…tell me a story…no it’s late go to bed…santa will be here soon..no…I want a story…do you want a happy story or a scary story…I want a happy scary story…. JACK FROST nipping at your nose. Because that is what he did. You wanted a story… you got a story.
Pretty sure the movie can not hold up to this intro.
Tinsel Garland to wipe off the window
What an oddly conspicuous vehicle “State Executional Transfer Vehicle”
He’s being executed in 30 minutes…they are cutting it pretty close.
Deep Fried Jack Balls
Gimmie a smoke ya screw…shut up convict..sniiiiiff…filtered
“Snowmonton County” ok Snowman Capital of the Midwest
FBI across half a dozen states. Backwater Sherrif nailed it.
Harv? Everything ok back there Harv…nooo
What a driving snow storm
Good thing these trucks are clearly labeled for what they do. Genetics Research. Caution- Acidic Solution
What a festively decorated death truck
Deep Fried Jacks is off the menu.
Jack Frost…Stay of Execution…denied.
It sucked right into the snow….genetics
Sheriff has a nice casio digi watch
Jack Frost took that arrest personal.
Touch my finger…touch my knee…thank the lord it wasn’t me.
It wanted to run..but it didn’t have any legs!
Yum Ryan…your goo looks great. Just fill up my zip-loc-bag…also…is that AntiFreeze next to the stove Ryan?
Snow man building competition!
Shannon Elizabeth! Slumming it.
Jay hid his snowman….stop peeking at my snowman.
Uh oh…foreshadowing…Sally is going to end up with a Christmas tree up her ass.
Billy and Jilly and Sally and Daddy.
What is this snow made of?
Get it Mr. T…snowballs!
“I’ll find a waaaaay!”
Guilt talk…but daddy I made those oats special for you…now leave them in the car.
Mr. Harper is dead but still rocking. haha..it was the deputy…
Don’t steal old man Harper’s apples
So was it accidental or did the FBI do it? Genetic research?
Snowman chase cam.
pluck pluck pluck.
Dangit Ryan and his special oats and special cookies
Lies! Sam is telling the people it’s all good…but he is gonna go home and bolt his door.
Hey Paul…there is an unfinished snow man in the front yard that spontaneously formed…wanna go decorate it with this bag of kitchen supplies and a snowman snow mit.
Nooooo…stop stroking the mouth!
Are you deaf as well as butt ugly.
Ryan Tiler and his snow golem.
Too bad for billy…he is out…holy moly!
Nice use of Christmas music.
That snowman has the twig eyes
Jack Frost the man was sending newspaper/magazine letter cutout threats and the sheriff was saving them?
Paul like to give that 20% off
“The lord Forsook this home a long time ago.”
Finish my scarf!
A smoking snowman?
If your kid died and some said a snowman did it and you start hearing talking snowmen….it’s bad
I guess that is one way to use and axe to kill someone.
What does momma put in her tea?
That is one fast moving snowman.
Haha…he made her the angel on the tree. Not as good as I was hoping for.
Jack got big
Go get Doc Peters.
Agent Manners and Stone
Maybe…is he even FBI? or is this some Genetic Research Conspiracy
Tractor Pulls and House Raisins
A 24 hour curfew.
Sleep community style
Paul needed a punch the face
The bird noises in this movie are hilarious. Crows..Pigeons.
The only thing the sheriff has done so far is drink coffee
Deputy home repair tip giver
How to plot revenge…not having sex in the sheriff’s house in the dark
That’s a lot of stripping
Want to have the sex? Build me a fire and pour me some wine.
Jack Frost is hiding in your freezer
Well it ain’t f’ing frosty
“Worlds most pissed off snow cone.”
Thank you Tommy!
So in addition to turning to snow and back to liquid Jack Frosty can make himself hot?
Are we implying that Jack is humping Jill?
Who is the bullseye guy outside waving?
Chris’ Cop car returns home on it’s own like a faithful steed
Jack Frost is pissing himself under the door.
Stone slapping those aerosol cans like a punk
The keys left in the door cam pull is a total Sam Raimi thing.
Marla got all the great one-liners…Woman and Cowards first
Burnt up snowman.
Look mom…I’m a Picaso
Trust these people….we might be your only hope.
The Sheriff can’t shoot for shit
The soul is a chemical. Don’t you get it!
That priest sure likes to crank up the heat to remind his flock.
Jack Frost Vision
He’s wearing and Edgar Suit…this came out the same year as MIB
Holy shit…it was antifreeze in the kitchen
The son is the real killer.
Poor Paul doesn’t know that his son is dead.
What’s the difference between Snowmen and Snowwomen? No Balls.
The church is full of people doing…and even one with goats…just like in the Omen
owww…that hurts…ice dagger
oh man..open chest wound and splish splashing in a redneck truck jacuzzi
hey dad..you forgot this arm..aaaaaaaaaaa
Baptism by antifreeze.
“What do we tell the FBI?”
Silent Night by Jack Frost…scary.
I’ts page 60 and there’s not a single morph credits
Shit in the credits : “Ohhhh nooo, I feel like a caboose.” “Mongo like movie” “Don’t eat yellow snow” “Roundy Round” “Maybe it will snow tomorrow” “Say, who was behind Door #3” “Where’s the carrot in the bath scene?” “The things about snowmen is that they really don’t have arms.” “How many times did you spot Idiot?” “Does anybody have a 20 on Yolanda?” “Is the soup ready yet?” “You want a B-12?” “Can I have fries with that?” – Title House – “Special Thanks to Idiot, Acts of Nature: Flash Flood, No Snow, High Winds.”
Did we ever get to see the secret snowman?
Campbell’s Soup “Let it snow.” 1994 commercial had a bigger buget
International Double Crossing, Murder and Mayhem hotline, how may we help you heap cold dishes of revenge upon your enemies sometime in the distant future after some elaborate possibly unnecessary scheming that involves plastic surgery, betrayal and ninjas….today? oh man…we really need to shorter our corporate phone greeting. Hello, are you there?
Right. Uh huh. Sure, we just happen to have a guy that specializes in heisting horse dolls made of gold. Oh sorry, horsey action figures. How much? Well, in addition to the base cost of your eternal soul and happiness we will be needing payment in the form of briefcases full of cash with whatever weird ass twist of a tip of your choosing.
What do I suggest as a good tip? Well, tell me what you have in mind and I’ll give you some feedback. Right…uh huh…sure…sure…I see what you are going for there. But in addition to having it delivered by a lady in a black dress…how about she says “Here’s your money honey” drops the briefcase and then strips down to her itty bitty bottoms, turns and walks away never to be seen or heard from again. Oh yeah..I like that…it sounds totally unnecessary and we love that shit around here. Ok, I think I have everything we need here. Talk to you in 3 years. Bye
Oh man…what an exciting phone call. phew…time to address my oral fixation..Smoke ’em if you got ’em!
War (2007) – Like
That was fast…Does Jenny know? Cigarettes!
It is your oral fixation…
shot gun credits
462 days of no lost time?
Oh..they are in a serious situation…not just a couple of guys at a bus stop.
Quick cuts are us.
I am Jason Stathom…and I see things.
FBI…nooo…back up is on the way Tom
Geez is this a Woo film? woooo
Man in the shadows is ninja gunman.
Even in the light he is in the shadows
Took one to the face…I got him.
Triads…Yakuza…and so forth…bullshit story…Rogue is a phantom…
Foreshadowing…you never know who is working for whom…
Drinking and driving?
Game day…don’t forget the steaks. He forgot the steaks…it happened that one time again. He forgot the stakes of working for the FBI as well
Oh man…the Rogue really took that face shooting personal. Shot him in the face..and then made him watch him kill his wife and kids first and then burnt the house down. Geez Rogue Phantom
The rogue is roguish except for the titanium bullet shells…that he just leaves like a calling card.
3 years later…San Fran..
Black Light Boobies and Butt…hey hey hey hey…uh huh huh.
Killed them guards with his creadit card…platinum
Sure are a lot of skinny butt ladies in this movie
send in the dobermans. ohno!!
Tattoos for shirts.
Rogue is merciless…killed that poor doge with a bomb
Do you know what Shiro does to traitors…that’s right…bang to the head.
Yakuza…rings are kills.
The old thumb in the bullet hole wound.
Cop is my day job…doctor is my other job.
Rogue cost him his marriage…that is a good thing.
The Rogue cuts his face every 6 months…that is a lot of plastic surgery. What is the average recovery time for that…geez.
Shiro (Yakuza) killed Chang’s Family (Triads) and sold all of his shit except 2 statuettes that he is trying to sell currently. The Rogue was working for the Yakuza…maybe no so much now.
He doesn’t care about ancient feuds…
Closet full of black
That’s my wife Maria…she is not a horse
These two are the Ti brothers…
Careful…don’t leave your ear unguarded
So did he get his ear reattached? or will that guy be our chick in the bucket
Don’t fail me daughter
Meanwhile, in Chinatown
No Benny’s here…wrong answer.
Interpol is down in ChinaTown.
Plastic surgeons dropping like loose skin off an old person
The horses are not real horses…they are cars? ohhh…that is all a ruse
This music is pretty generic…sound machine.
Never pay your extortion money up front.
Oh…they are horses…DON’T TOUCH THE HORSES Ti!
Ok…I want your to take the guy his money…and then take off your tiny black dress and walk away. You did great!
Sniper gun down the ventilation shaft…out of sight out of mind.
Agent Wick says “Hold on Motherf’er”…this mofo is out
Which way down is faster…this way!
Your stupidity insults my father
14 hour flight…need me a salad…chef salad…no blue cheese punk
Pain, Rage Loneliness.
Warehouse 16…you know the one
The eyes…the one thing the surgeons can’t change…but a pair of color contacts and some make up could.
“You will find only pain living in the past.”
What a 2007 looking hone.
I am still having trouble trying to figure out if the horses are an alliteration or not and if so…for what.
“Chasing Ghosts” that would have been a better movie title.
I don’t think you should be angry shooting at paper targets
Rogue has a thing for Maria?
Now you see my gun…now you don’t
What! I just realized that is Catalina from My Name is Earl
Triads hanging out at the local pizza and beer joint being angry.
Sure…I could hit you with a stick…but a burning stick!! Yeah!
Rogue just stirring up shit…so he can chase down the younger Joey Ti brother.
Tube fight! Tubes!
Uh oh…the Rookie is so dead.
Chang can not be shook. That is how he survives
Some strong smoking message here?
“Now that is some spicy tuna…” hahaha jokes!
Stathom muscle car. All beef. Rogue is all class
oh no…not the muscle car!
Goi is right there! He ain’t the shooter!
This take down is going bad
Things I learned…don’t kill Stathom’s partners…he don’t like it.
“In Japan…you would be dead”
Jet Li’s “Eat Shit While Driving” is a lot of fun.
Stathom is all beef and anger
his name is Wu Ti – WOOOOTEEE
Rogue is still working for Shiro
That’s the order…there is no why
“I have no master”
He just ghost knifed ya…his other job is street magician.
he used to work for the CIA commissions to do surgery
If Rogue is in here…then who is the ninja outside!
Wu Ti doesn’t know about the gun under the desk.
Haha…poor Wu Ti…he took a lot of bullets
Never a good sign when a ninja is running away
You never leave the children to live after you kill their dad! That is classic for a revenge story 20 years later.
Rogue is a myth…a rumor.
Rogue does all the smooth things but forgets about FBI surveillance?