XXX

XXX (2002)  124 min  Rated PG-13

xXx, pronounced “Triple X”, is a 2002 American action film directed by Rob Cohen and starring Vin Diesel as Xander Cage, a thrill seeking extreme sports enthusiast, stuntman and rebellious extreme sport athlete-turned-reluctant spy for theNational Security Agency who is sent on a dangerous mission to infiltrate a group of potential terrorists in Central Europe. xXx also stars Asia Argento, Samuel L. Jackson, and Marton Csokas.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0295701/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/XXX_(film)

Opener: What…this ain’t no fancy secret agent party like usual. It’s a German Rave with special guest band Rammenstien. Hmmm…no matinis and I may be over dressed. ahhh…I’ve been shot…oh great…now the crowdsurfing …I should never have deviated from set parameters. Damn you suit!! Why didn’t I listen to my wife and wear my gucci beaver pelt pimp suit.  

Twitter: XXX – James Bond goes all X-games in this spy thriller from the early 2000’s and not once did it Deviate from set parameters. expect that one part throughout the whole movie.

Stuff I Loved:

Death to Bond like heroes by the new bad ass’eries

“What…this is a fancy secret service ball…this is some kind of German Rave.

Two Face Jackson

“Deviated from set parameters.” – who talks like that.

Anarchy 99…they can smell the training on our agents…because they show up to Raves in a 3 piece suit.

Who goes to spy school…for reals.

Apparently, the old way doesn’t cut it. We need the new hotness…not the old and busted…dang…I wish we could have watched Bad Boys instead.

Hey, that dude has a tattoo like all the brand marketing for this movie.

Hodgekiss…Senator Hodgekiss.

Man..this movie looks old. Who uses cameras anymore…he would totes be using an iphone steaming it like to youtubes today.

The Zander Zone? Can I get you a zine to read?

This movie is full of rock. Let the bodies hit the floor….we just had that in the movie last week.

Moral is…Don’t be a Dick….Dick.

Who invited Tony Hawk and crew.

Superman Seat Grab Barrel Roll

Keeping it real…this whole movie.

I got an underground website.

I live for this shit? what… jerked out of the back of a plane.

I am going to throw you a beating.

Superman Seat Grab To The Face….

Somebody might want to calibrate the mini guns on the helicopter.

When Samuel L. Jackson ask you if you want to get on a plane. You say…are there snakes involved? Then you get on the plane no matter the answer.

Anarchy 99 Game.

Good Guy XXX – shows disenchanted teen Anarchy 99 and some parental attention he ain’t getting from his mom and new step dad…who’s a douche for snoring..

cranberry club soda…shaken….noooo!

My friends call me X….since triple X is too hard

“bitches come.”

Check out my old lady fur jacket. Pimp Jacket

x-ray glasses….clothes…oh….can see bra….ooo…wait….too far…i can see her colon/spleen

How hard is it to get european cars in Europe.

This is no time for being fun.

Oh she is making the money sign.

Vin Diesel likes the old cars

Worst cop ever.

Perv’s. You are looking for 1 hour 3 minutes in.

Addendum….1 hour and 7 minutes in….if you are into a pile of naked ladies.

Well what do you know…xXx is not good at taking orders….Go home Xander.

What are they building? A land speeder?

awww…solar powered death weapon. How green.

Blue and Green makes…Death.

I sure hope he don’t need those scientists.

Oh…now you run….

Yo…dudes…you got some diesel in your cave ceiling.

Junction box for alarm includes entire underground lair lights.

If you have a revolver…you have to spin it after you check the chambers…even if the chambers are contains bullets that range from paint to explosives.

All I want is Samuel L. Jackson’s Approval.

I think I should start walking into to room and asking stuff like “Does anybody know how to fly a plane….” “Is anyone here a doctor?….” What other things do people ask a group of people out of desperation.

Would like to see this same philosophy in a kindergarten class.

Snowboarding. Yeah!!

Avalanche!! If you see a mountain of ice in a movie…you know there is going to be an avalanche…or some kinky sex…occasionally you will get an amputation…it’s never a happy story…well….maybe the kinky sex. But as a rule…if they lug the camera equipment to the snowy peaks…something big is going to happen.

You have a bazooka

Yeah…how accurate is that heat seeking missile…but at least they did follow their own rules…they set up the smoking thing pretty early on.

Love the music.

Ahab..

That dude has a remote for everything…how does he keep up with all of them.

isn’t every hard top convertable pretty much have the ejectable roof when you unlatch it at 60 mph

What’cha talking about Vin Diesel. – When he says he wants a video camera

Save us Vin Deisel

Aww…all those poor people are about to be like white lab mice. UNLESS!!

Wait…was this all a test?

What can you do under the water for 3 minutes…I mean…besides die.

.

The One

The One (2001)  87 min  Rated PG-13

A sheriff’s deputy fights an alternate universe version of himself who grows stronger with each alternate self he kills.

Director:

 James Wong

Writers:

 Glen Morgan, James Wong

Stars:

 Jet Li, Carla Gugino, Delroy Lindo |

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_One_(2001_film)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0267804/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Opener: Wait wait wait. First, kudos on the automatic chair straps…I’m in here tight… ..zip zip zip…very cool….second…did he say penal colony? or penile colony. I just need to know how much I need to struggle here. 

He’s doing 50!

Twitter: The One- A Kind of Multiverse Ground Hog Day meets Highlander without the charm of Bill Murray or Sean Connery. But we did have Jet Li going 50. so…yeah.

Stuff I Loved:

Highlander of the multiverse

Do we need voice over and subtitles

Police bullet proof helmet. Less than bullet proof

Let the bodies hit the floor.

He’s doing 50…as long as he doesn’t slow down he shouldn’t blow up wildcat

Our muscle car has a turbo sound.

I can’t hear you…

My gun goes pew pew pew

The only person who can kick Jet Lee’s but. Is Jet Lee!!

I know it was a lot of setup…but I found the keys to this truck in the garage in the hopes you would still be standing in the carport after a long bit of banter with Jason Statham.

Multiverse travel is painful.

Victim 119 Jude Law. Promethius Universe. Doh!

Lawless…uh huh

Is that some sort of body scanner? Nope…it’s a glowing vibrator

Movie Auto Straps…Cause in the future…people don’t got time for strapping

Penal colony in the hades universe

rational murder

is that a paper clip hanging out of that’s rat’s anus. look at the size of that skroat!

Bush’s universal healthcare?

Only in Prime universe is Jet Li a good guy.

Not only are there multiple universes…but apparently all of them are just a little bit timeshifted.

This is like a Multiverse Ground Hog day.

Prime Universe. The only Universe that matters.

How come he ain’t going 50

sorry…no bad news today…maybe later.

Why is alternate universe Jet Li not have a goatee.

Already getting a feeling that this movie is going to end with a “No..It’s me!! I’m the real Jet Li…shoot him…” moment

ha! not unless he had one put in this morning in reference to penile implant.

A wedding ring and a necklace

Ha! He looks like a robot in that MRI head gear

Most aspirated x-ray tech ever. “WHAT! HOLD STILL!! I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO DO THIS TWICE”

No! He got out…now we have to start the x-ray all over again.

Jet Li crawls funny.

My gun makes laser sounds.

shoot M.R.I. machine…it’s full of smoke

Worst security camera operator ever.

Who cocks a shotgun and then uses it to restrain someone.

One thing wrong with this theory. What if the converse happens. All of the you’s die in every universe…but one of you happens to survive. Wouldn’t that make you The One.

If you get into “The Shit”

that girl girl stuff

Answers come without thinking. Hey…am I the one? of just a no thinking smartass.

an energy…string…wave….don’t be mixing theories

can punch through a van…can’t beat up old partner

Why yes…I am going to beat you up with a couple of motorcycles.

hehe…hey….what are you guys doing…stop kicking my signs down. I know gas prices are high but c’mon!! Yeah yeah…falling prices…fuck you.

Why is it a martial arts movie wet dream to fight yourself? Equal matching for a good fight? something more metaphorical?

With all the sparks it is like “The Greatest Man Alive”

Lots of modern rock….well modern in 2001

The slow mo works in this movie.

Jet Li has the shirt wipe thinkg for his bruce lee…bring it on nose bleed.

haha…”That order is bullshit!”

He sent him to the pleasure planet. Was there not already a law there?

Fresh meat boys

Most awesome ending to a movie

They didn’t lock me in here with you…they locked you in here with me.

Penile Implant Colony! NOOOOO…

 

Re-Animator

Re-Animator (1985)  96 min  Rated R

Re-Animator is a 1985 American science fiction horror film based on the H. P. Lovecraft story “Herbert West–Reanimator.” Directed by Stuart Gordon, it was the first film in the Re-Animatorseries. The film has since become a cult film, driven by fans of Jeffrey Combs (who stars as Herbert West) and H. P. Lovecraft, extreme gore, and the combination of horror and comedy.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Re-Animator

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089885/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Opener: Hey that was fun Herbert. But how about next time…next time… we bring someone back from the dead…how about we pick an old lady or the infirmed instead of Arnold Schwatzneggers body double!! Also, I saw your note on the fridge. What does “Cat Dead. Details later” mean.

Twitter: Re-Animator – I have a theory. Overdose! Ok. That is more of a last resort. But this movie dosage was too large

 

Stuff I Loved:

Dr. Gruber!

What…I didn’t do nothing!! I just got this needle here.

Dr. Gruber says… “I have this terrible sinus headache.”

The dosage was too large!!

Love the opening music. Psycho ripoff

Mad props to director choosing a heavy set lady with no shirt to perform chest compressions on.

Work joke! Locked doors. Very funny…now read your paper and smoke your cigarette

Oh dear lord it’s big foot from the 6 million dollar man getting an autopsy.

No sneaking up on me when in the morgue

Hans Gruber? as in Hans Gruber the terrorist in Die Hard?

666 Darkmore address – 555 number. Geez who would take that serious.

Roofus totally didn’t look like someone threw him from off screen. Looked natural as all hell.

The minute you get your MD I will marry you. I’M MARRYING A DOCTOR!!

Dan…stop it…I don’t like that…stop it. c’mon stop…Dan.

Ms. Hallsey. Mr. Hallsey.

Just had a basement gasm…yes…oh yes…yes…basement!

mmm…just like the injuns used to do. Just like peeling a large orange

6 to 12 minutes!!

What the hell. breaking pencils. What is the symbolism

How do you call a cat? psss psss pss pss. Cat’s don’t come to being called dumb ass.

We named the cat roofus.

West not only has a mini fridge in his room. He doesn’t close it after he puts dead cats in it.

“Cat dead. Details later.”

The sound effects in this movie is awesome! Some of it is stock and other parts are people making noises.

“Fighting dead cats in the basement” was my bands name in college.

Reanimation fluid looks like flubber. Neon Green.

Birth is always painful

Sometimes dead is better.

Smoking cigars in the morgue. has that ever been a thing?

Let’s see…what do we want to re-animate…hmmm…

Hehe…this would have freaked me out on October 10th

Is he putting a flashlight on that dude’s junk.

This first guy they reanimate is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s body double from Terminator

The dead guy failed. Not me!!

Next time we reanimate someone….we are going to pick an old lady…not a body builder

oh man…bonesaw through the back. That has to hurt.

I don’t want my potential future father in-law to be brought back to life.

One bad decision after the next.

Unbreakable plastic. Sweet

Bringing something back to life that has active bleeding wounds. Probably not a good idea until you patch up the wounds.

One heck of a security guard.

Go to fetal position.

John Kerry wants to perform exploratory surgery on Dean Hallsey.

“We are both scientists…let’s get to the point.”

That was just…screwed up. Shovel chopping off of head. and jamming it onto a meat thermometer.

I know…I know…you won’t be able to speak if you didn’t have any lungs…but…head in a basket calling you a bastard…that’s pretty creepy.

Your father is not only dead…he’s been lobotomized.

Let me get this straight. He didn’t kill me…but took my serum.

Sure Mr. West…sure you had to kill him. But did you have to bring him back to life.

Worst Nike shirt ever

Hill is a creep.

Why bother putting your head back on your body…when it’s much funnier to watch it fumble around your office.

Like some kind of head fish in a tray. It needs to remain moist

How can Hallsey see through the one way mirror.

Worst guard ever.

Yeah…whatever…the first body will do.

Daddy is a bastard

Dr. Neckskin.

OMG….making daddy watch.

Dead Head Monologging

How long does it take for a laser drill to work?

What a boot to the head

I have a theory. OVERDOSE!! that’s less of a theory and more of a last resort.

Really…more naked men than I am comfortable with.

Small Soldiers

Small Soldiers (1998) (108 minutes – Rated: PG-13)

Netflix: http://movies.netflix.com/WiMovie/Small_Soldiers/20129240?locale=en-US

The Commando Elite are toy action figures programmed to annihilate another toy group, the Gorgonites. But before the Elite have been tested, the son of a toy store owner opens them, causing the Elite to attack the children playing with them.

Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Small_Soldiers

Directed by        Joe Dante

Produced by        Michael Finnell

Colin Wilson

Written by        Gavin Scott

Adam Rifkin

Ted Elliott

Terry Rossio

Starring                Kirsten Dunst

Gregory Smith

Jay Mohr

Phil Hartman

Kevin Dunn

Denis Leary

Frank Langella

Tommy Lee Jones

Music by        Jerry Goldsmith

Release date(s)                July 10, 1998

Budget                $40 million

Box office        $54,682,547

IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0122718/?ref_=sr_1

Opener: I got 2 words for you Alan. Friend Zone! Pretty sure Joe the pervert truck driver prefers older boys. Like Brett. also, your dad is a real jerk.

Twitter:  Small Soldiers – Weird Science, Toy Story (1&2) , Gremlins and being puked on by an encarta full of popular culture terms….lies this movie.

 

Stuff I Loved:

Lasers

Was Tobias always bald.

Zoot Suit Riot on Moyer

The real world sucks…except for the boss lady who has a name that sounds like a lady parts exercise.

Are those 12” action figures?

It’s called multimedia Erwin.

Nick Nitro needs some dental work.

Hello Mr. Chips. X1000

Hey dude. 3d printers in 98…that was pretty forward thinking.

Goodbye microbrewerys

The military always screws up stuff.

Why are we obsessed with bringing toys to life.

Trucker Joe is not a very reliable employee

What kind of currency is….a lot

Friendzoned dude. No way is she picking your nerdy toy store over motocycle dude.

Is this the first time anyone saw a bagged salad in a movie?

All these toys are pretty ripped.

Trope: Say name followed by another term. Now your name is Alan Shutup

Keeper of Encarta. Sweeeet

Ergo Keyboards

This is going to be the friendzone movie. I can feel it.

Oh you were dusting…with a crochet mallet.

Your dad is a douche

How can you compete with Brett the atheletic motocycler

educational toys the Gorgonites 

Are you on drugs Crank, Crystal Meth,

Christy Fimple

ROLL CALL!!

EMP…that means Eletromagnetic Impluse

The Brain movie cameo…now that is a filmsack movie

This chic likes Led Zeplin and Rush.

 

build montage. Queen!!

Good ole Phil Hartman. Miss him

“It’s a Trap”

I could have done with some longer music montages. Just when the rock and roll was getting good they cut it.

Every word that the Commado Elite utters is a phrase from popular culture.Started to give me a headache.

That is one mean motorscooter Kirsten Dunst has. It totally E.T.s it over that ditch.

Four Room

Four Rooms (1995)  98 min  Rated R

Four Rooms is a 1995 anthology comedy film directed by Allison Anders, Alexandre Rockwell, Robert Rodriguez, and Quentin Tarantino, each directing one segment of the film that in its entirety is loosely based on the adult short fiction writings of Roald Dahl, especially Man from the South which is the basis for the last segment, Penthouse – “The Man from Hollywood” directed by Tarantino. The story is set in the fictional Hotel Mon Signor in Los Angeles on New Year’s Eve. Tim Roth plays the hotel bellhop, the main character in the frame story, whose first night on the job consists of four very different encounters with various hotel guests.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113101/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Rooms

Opener: Hello? Oh hey mom, No no this is a good time. I just started watching a movie for this week’s Filmsack. Yeah..that’s the one with Scott, Brian & Randy. What’s that? The title of the movie? Something about Rooms….I don’t know… I added it to my instant queue last week…I think it might be either a pink panther movie or a sequel to Pee Wee’s Big Adventure…right right…PAGING MR. HERMAN…MR. HERMAN.  hehe…at any rate….How is da…. Holy jumped-up baldheaded  (Hay-Soos)  palomino mom. I think Paul Rubens is about to have sex is a porcelain tub full of bodily fluids. DANG YOU SCOTT BRIAN AND RANDY!!

Twitter: Four Rooms – Woody Allen lives on in this Softcore porn Anthology that drops more F bombs than a half-dozen tourettes suffers in a tub full of piranahs and body fluids. Doodie Smootie

 

Stuff I Loved:

Tits in the opening credits

Tim Roth is a goober

Witches… Rosemary…

Pussy shirt

What kind of Tub is that.

Madonna seems totally natural around boobies.

All the girls who took off their tops didn’t have much of a career after that.

Milk from a mother’s sweet tittie

That is one gross tub of fluids.

Breather of fire.

Bell Hop.

No sex with a Klingon.

Wow…cartoon graphics in 1995…

This is totally Love Boat

Am I watching softcore porn or what?

404 ice

Disco!

Room 404; The wrong man.

The Relic

The Relic (1997)  110 min Rated R

The Relic is a 1997 science fiction/horror film directed by Peter Hyams and based on the best-selling novel Relic by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child. The film stars Penelope Ann Miller, Tom Sizemore and Linda Hunt. The original music score was composed by John Debney. The film is rated R for monster violence, gore, and language.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Relic_(film)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120004/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Opener:

Holy crap Fred. I just passed by the hot scientist ladies’ office and she was in there with the   creepy german lady and professor wheelchair talking about  shit on a leaf and  topless ushers..what a bunch of freaks….Fred you in there? Fred?  hello

Topless Ushers For The Ballet. The Wheelchair scientist is down with that.

Twitter: The Relic – Red carpet roller! In a hurry! Coming through people! We got red carpet to lay here! It’s red. best part of the movie. cause it was the part I could see

Stuff I Loved:

Hey, here is a bit of advice. Don’t drink what the tribe man gives you.

You can’t park your boat here!

I have to get my Chip out of the harbor

I’m just going to Indiana Jones my way back onto the Chip.

Man…I’m really sweating.

Am I going blind? This movie is really dark.

I can’t stop screaming! what did they give me!

The pointy end is the bow. It’s a ship…not a boat.

His ex-wife got custody of the dog

Is this red stuff on the wall blood?

GHOST CHIP!

Cat! Always a cat. Scream!

What is that smell? It smells like Cat Anus.

We found the body…

Nice trucker cap.

Walk Children…Walk!! it’s the Walk lady.

No…I’m not “sc-a-r-ed”

The Inside “walk” man.

It’s the lady from the Incredibles.

She always plays the same German like lady.

So put on your party dress.

Revolution Biologist. Where our tails go?

“Margo!” Holy shite! Scared the crap out of me.

Topless Ushers For The Ballet. The Wheelchair scientist is down with that.

Are these eggs? No…fungus.

Do they look like eggs to you? Moron.

This fridge is for creepy fungus eggs…not food.

This is like Night At The Museum…

What they going to do…put us in Museum jail?

Man…I wish I had a public restroom with a window. You see them in the movies all the time…but I can’t think of a single public restroom with a window. Movie magic?

Was he smoking pot? or was it a filterless cigarette.

“No Margo…they aren’t eggs…they’re fungus…shut up professor wheelchair…I know that.”

Worked myself to the bone…that was pretty good.

Guy in a wheelchair…is that a horror trope?

What are you…scared? That is a classic movie line. I have never said that in real life.

I remember those flying bird banners outside the museum.

“Hang onto your fucking hat”….I’m not wearing a hat! Have you ever seen me wear a hat.

 

Don’t step over the body….it’s bad luck.

This is like the original CSI

oh…Jeffrey Dahmer reference….how fresh was that when this movie was made?

Beetles in Bug Beetles?

Don’t touch a penny face down…it’s bad luck.

Don’t look a good place to light a match.

Empty….that is the definition of empty

No drugs…just minor relics

Black stone!

Don’t you hate someone who just takes head and never gives it.

Read something on the internet? This is realy internet.

What a sarcastic and hilarious morgue lady.

The brain fell out.

Brought to you by Evian.

No food…unless it is my sandwhich.

Nothing sounds like more fun than touring the relics wing of the museum at night…by yourself after a murder!!

Wait…murders and monsters don’t use the sink. oh..it’s the cleaning lady. phew.

Red carpet roller! In a hurry! Coming through fellas! We got red carpet to lay!

Espesso vs Latte cop talk

These cops are real good at spotting blood.

They are missing their hypo thalomos

Sounds like the Tardis is coming in. Or is that the creature breathing?

Headaches were caused by sorcery. I agree. Kill the sorcery!

It’s the same stink!! I would recognize that stink anywhere.

This whole movie is so freaking dark.

Pretty sure you just shot a bum.

Have you ever seen my wife’s clevage?

As much as I deem GD neccessary

I need a team of dogs. Get better dogs.

Bugs check in…but they make an evolutionary jump when they come out!

big beetle…big beetle chase me

Human Hypothalamus

Fred Ford is a great name.

Who packs crates with leaves….THESE AREN’T LEAVES…THEY ARE TOILET PAPER!! HUMAN HORMONES! THOSE WEREN’T EGGS…THEY WERE POOP!

“Down the stairs?” That’s right professor wheelchair.

It’s how chicago stays warm? Farts?

We got your better dogs. See ya better dogs!

Kothoga

Thank you for coming out tonight….have you seen my wife’s tits.

Where do you get a giant pair of novelty scissors

Coffee affinados

The over laugher at the Mayor.

are descending cages really a thing in museums? With vault doors.

I feel the same way after an hour at the museum. LET ME OUT!! Fuck the doors…just bust through the glass.

It’s only for the lab area (chicago accent,.)

Da-Gus-Tuh

Do you have plenty of ammo? I’m loaded…no…really I’m drunk. Gimmie some bullets.

Are you Spiderman Dagusta?

Nom Nom Nomm…hypothalumus!

I think the monster has asthma

That was effective….pulling the “help me” guy up…suddenly he is lighter. Oops…no lower torso.

Match…Homo Sapien.

Scientist make fighting monsters easier.

I don’t think they are going to make it.

Breaking off into groups. Never a good idea…unless you are in the happening. Then you want to be in Walhbergs group.

Oh no! It’s mostly made of science boy!!

Run! Throw bottles at him! Run!!

She is not carefully measuring those compounds…if you have ever been in chemistry class…you know that means explosion!!

Monsters are always leaky…drip drip drip

mmm….monster kisses are the best.

I’m a firestarter…IT BURNS!!

You go to hell…you protein plant eating beast!!