Damnation Alley

Damnation Alley (1977) –  Things you never heard after this movie in 1977. Thank the gods this movie has good special effects to make up for the bad accents. Just watch my style son

Twitter:

Damnation Alley – Perry is dead. It don’t mean this movie is good or bad. It just means Perry is dead.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075909/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Damnation_Alley_(film)

 

Stuff I Loved:

Is that mustache for real?

Just watch my style son

Those scorpions look real good

Stop drop and roll was not a thing during the 70s apparently

Who doesn’t want a triangle of wheels on their vehicles. All Terrain!

What accent is it that Peppard is using? He only uses it part of the time. Is it the mustache?

You have 2. Trucks. and everybody else is dead. Do you really need codenames for the trucks to announce who you are when you are talking to each other. LandMaster 1 to LandMaster 2.

Just like your family car…cept…well…nothing like your family car.

“Just call me when you want me to drive this mother”

XERE

Good thing this movie has good special effects to make up for the bad accents.

Great, We spent 2 days on naming these stupid vehicles and practice calling each other and 30 minutes into our trip we kill Perry and only have 1 truck.

I can just imagine them coming home from the grocery store. Stalker!

Bad Point Of View Actor. Actor who can not see the 6000 killer cockroaches surrounding them until they see 1 random roach.

This girl is a scream queen.

Roaches hate fire extinguishers.

I’m sure Scott has never seen the Big Salt Lake Gas Station.

That kid has deadly aim. Poor StringFellow Hawke didn’t have a chance.

The “Tour Director” joke is getting old. We get it. We don’t have anything anymore.

XXX

XXX (2002)  124 min  Rated PG-13

xXx, pronounced “Triple X”, is a 2002 American action film directed by Rob Cohen and starring Vin Diesel as Xander Cage, a thrill seeking extreme sports enthusiast, stuntman and rebellious extreme sport athlete-turned-reluctant spy for theNational Security Agency who is sent on a dangerous mission to infiltrate a group of potential terrorists in Central Europe. xXx also stars Asia Argento, Samuel L. Jackson, and Marton Csokas.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0295701/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/XXX_(film)

Opener: What…this ain’t no fancy secret agent party like usual. It’s a German Rave with special guest band Rammenstien. Hmmm…no matinis and I may be over dressed. ahhh…I’ve been shot…oh great…now the crowdsurfing …I should never have deviated from set parameters. Damn you suit!! Why didn’t I listen to my wife and wear my gucci beaver pelt pimp suit.  

Twitter: XXX – James Bond goes all X-games in this spy thriller from the early 2000’s and not once did it Deviate from set parameters. expect that one part throughout the whole movie.

Stuff I Loved:

Death to Bond like heroes by the new bad ass’eries

“What…this is a fancy secret service ball…this is some kind of German Rave.

Two Face Jackson

“Deviated from set parameters.” – who talks like that.

Anarchy 99…they can smell the training on our agents…because they show up to Raves in a 3 piece suit.

Who goes to spy school…for reals.

Apparently, the old way doesn’t cut it. We need the new hotness…not the old and busted…dang…I wish we could have watched Bad Boys instead.

Hey, that dude has a tattoo like all the brand marketing for this movie.

Hodgekiss…Senator Hodgekiss.

Man..this movie looks old. Who uses cameras anymore…he would totes be using an iphone steaming it like to youtubes today.

The Zander Zone? Can I get you a zine to read?

This movie is full of rock. Let the bodies hit the floor….we just had that in the movie last week.

Moral is…Don’t be a Dick….Dick.

Who invited Tony Hawk and crew.

Superman Seat Grab Barrel Roll

Keeping it real…this whole movie.

I got an underground website.

I live for this shit? what… jerked out of the back of a plane.

I am going to throw you a beating.

Superman Seat Grab To The Face….

Somebody might want to calibrate the mini guns on the helicopter.

When Samuel L. Jackson ask you if you want to get on a plane. You say…are there snakes involved? Then you get on the plane no matter the answer.

Anarchy 99 Game.

Good Guy XXX – shows disenchanted teen Anarchy 99 and some parental attention he ain’t getting from his mom and new step dad…who’s a douche for snoring..

cranberry club soda…shaken….noooo!

My friends call me X….since triple X is too hard

“bitches come.”

Check out my old lady fur jacket. Pimp Jacket

x-ray glasses….clothes…oh….can see bra….ooo…wait….too far…i can see her colon/spleen

How hard is it to get european cars in Europe.

This is no time for being fun.

Oh she is making the money sign.

Vin Diesel likes the old cars

Worst cop ever.

Perv’s. You are looking for 1 hour 3 minutes in.

Addendum….1 hour and 7 minutes in….if you are into a pile of naked ladies.

Well what do you know…xXx is not good at taking orders….Go home Xander.

What are they building? A land speeder?

awww…solar powered death weapon. How green.

Blue and Green makes…Death.

I sure hope he don’t need those scientists.

Oh…now you run….

Yo…dudes…you got some diesel in your cave ceiling.

Junction box for alarm includes entire underground lair lights.

If you have a revolver…you have to spin it after you check the chambers…even if the chambers are contains bullets that range from paint to explosives.

All I want is Samuel L. Jackson’s Approval.

I think I should start walking into to room and asking stuff like “Does anybody know how to fly a plane….” “Is anyone here a doctor?….” What other things do people ask a group of people out of desperation.

Would like to see this same philosophy in a kindergarten class.

Snowboarding. Yeah!!

Avalanche!! If you see a mountain of ice in a movie…you know there is going to be an avalanche…or some kinky sex…occasionally you will get an amputation…it’s never a happy story…well….maybe the kinky sex. But as a rule…if they lug the camera equipment to the snowy peaks…something big is going to happen.

You have a bazooka

Yeah…how accurate is that heat seeking missile…but at least they did follow their own rules…they set up the smoking thing pretty early on.

Love the music.

Ahab..

That dude has a remote for everything…how does he keep up with all of them.

isn’t every hard top convertable pretty much have the ejectable roof when you unlatch it at 60 mph

What’cha talking about Vin Diesel. – When he says he wants a video camera

Save us Vin Deisel

Aww…all those poor people are about to be like white lab mice. UNLESS!!

Wait…was this all a test?

What can you do under the water for 3 minutes…I mean…besides die.

.

The One

The One (2001)  87 min  Rated PG-13

A sheriff’s deputy fights an alternate universe version of himself who grows stronger with each alternate self he kills.

Director:

 James Wong

Writers:

 Glen Morgan, James Wong

Stars:

 Jet Li, Carla Gugino, Delroy Lindo |

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_One_(2001_film)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0267804/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Opener: Wait wait wait. First, kudos on the automatic chair straps…I’m in here tight… ..zip zip zip…very cool….second…did he say penal colony? or penile colony. I just need to know how much I need to struggle here. 

He’s doing 50!

Twitter: The One- A Kind of Multiverse Ground Hog Day meets Highlander without the charm of Bill Murray or Sean Connery. But we did have Jet Li going 50. so…yeah.

Stuff I Loved:

Highlander of the multiverse

Do we need voice over and subtitles

Police bullet proof helmet. Less than bullet proof

Let the bodies hit the floor.

He’s doing 50…as long as he doesn’t slow down he shouldn’t blow up wildcat

Our muscle car has a turbo sound.

I can’t hear you…

My gun goes pew pew pew

The only person who can kick Jet Lee’s but. Is Jet Lee!!

I know it was a lot of setup…but I found the keys to this truck in the garage in the hopes you would still be standing in the carport after a long bit of banter with Jason Statham.

Multiverse travel is painful.

Victim 119 Jude Law. Promethius Universe. Doh!

Lawless…uh huh

Is that some sort of body scanner? Nope…it’s a glowing vibrator

Movie Auto Straps…Cause in the future…people don’t got time for strapping

Penal colony in the hades universe

rational murder

is that a paper clip hanging out of that’s rat’s anus. look at the size of that skroat!

Bush’s universal healthcare?

Only in Prime universe is Jet Li a good guy.

Not only are there multiple universes…but apparently all of them are just a little bit timeshifted.

This is like a Multiverse Ground Hog day.

Prime Universe. The only Universe that matters.

How come he ain’t going 50

sorry…no bad news today…maybe later.

Why is alternate universe Jet Li not have a goatee.

Already getting a feeling that this movie is going to end with a “No..It’s me!! I’m the real Jet Li…shoot him…” moment

ha! not unless he had one put in this morning in reference to penile implant.

A wedding ring and a necklace

Ha! He looks like a robot in that MRI head gear

Most aspirated x-ray tech ever. “WHAT! HOLD STILL!! I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO DO THIS TWICE”

No! He got out…now we have to start the x-ray all over again.

Jet Li crawls funny.

My gun makes laser sounds.

shoot M.R.I. machine…it’s full of smoke

Worst security camera operator ever.

Who cocks a shotgun and then uses it to restrain someone.

One thing wrong with this theory. What if the converse happens. All of the you’s die in every universe…but one of you happens to survive. Wouldn’t that make you The One.

If you get into “The Shit”

that girl girl stuff

Answers come without thinking. Hey…am I the one? of just a no thinking smartass.

an energy…string…wave….don’t be mixing theories

can punch through a van…can’t beat up old partner

Why yes…I am going to beat you up with a couple of motorcycles.

hehe…hey….what are you guys doing…stop kicking my signs down. I know gas prices are high but c’mon!! Yeah yeah…falling prices…fuck you.

Why is it a martial arts movie wet dream to fight yourself? Equal matching for a good fight? something more metaphorical?

With all the sparks it is like “The Greatest Man Alive”

Lots of modern rock….well modern in 2001

The slow mo works in this movie.

Jet Li has the shirt wipe thinkg for his bruce lee…bring it on nose bleed.

haha…”That order is bullshit!”

He sent him to the pleasure planet. Was there not already a law there?

Fresh meat boys

Most awesome ending to a movie

They didn’t lock me in here with you…they locked you in here with me.

Penile Implant Colony! NOOOOO…

 

Trick ‘r Treat

Trick ‘r Treat (2007)  82 min  Rated R

Trick ‘r Treat is a 2007 American anthology horror film written and directed by Michael Dougherty, based on his short film Season’s Greetings.

The film is an anthology of four Halloween-related scary stories. One common element that ties the stories together is the presence of Sam, a mysterious pint-sized trick-or-treater wearing shabby orange pajamas with a burlap sack over his head, that makes an appearance in all the stories whenever someone breaks Halloween traditions.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trick_r_treat

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0862856/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Opener: Boop Beep Boo. I am sexy sarcastic orbot shaped like a box.  I hate halloween. Have sex with me…turn on porn. Do not watch it…just listen.  While I get chopped up. Best Halloween ever. Boop Beep Boo….My dad is on the phone. He wants to have a word with you. Cause he is Liam Neeson. Shutup.

Twitter: Trick ‘r Treat – Like the surprise you feel when you pop in a video labeled ‘nature’ at a friends house and suddenly find yourself watching porn. It’s good. if you are into that sort of thing.

 

Stuff I Loved:

During The Spookiest Time Of The Year.

What are you “Sarcastic Robot?”

Rules in a horror movie!!

That dude who is stalking Liam Neeson’s daughter must be wearing one of them cheap ass halloween masks…cause I always hear myself breathing like that in those cheap plastic masks.

Ha! Nature Special! My friend used to call his porn that too.

Wow they have a lot of white sheets. Wonder if those are 200 thread count? Egyptian?

That is one dangerous street with the traffic

You watching porn…well…more like listening to porn…while your chick is outside getting murdered.

What the crap is that in her mouth? That a sucker?

Hobbit language.

another Anthology!

Caught a little bit of ring around the rosie in that intro music

Hey kid! You dragging your sack. It’s getting all gross.

Earlier!

Hey…this ain’t Charlie Brown!

My tits keep popping out.

These girls have horrible memories

Sexy slut costumes…or Fairy Tale chicks

Oh wait! That is your bra size!! not the total price

He hates these pumpkins! It’s Chunk from the Goonies.

It says one piece fat ass.

Does a hot chick really have to show another hot chick how to talk guys into sex. I think she knows how to get the sex.

Stapled to your forehead? is that foreshadowing?

Smashing Pumpkins! Bashing Jack O’ Lanterns

Dude…that is not how you carve a pumpkin!

This 2nd one seems to be dealing with sins. Sex before marriage…gluttony…

We know you are in there!! We can see you!! Nice blood puke on the steps.

HAHA…cat in that bag that kid was carrying/dragging

“Charlie Brown is an asshole.”

I got an NRA card in my pocket and a shotgun over the fireplace.

No…you can not go to the parade with me.

This whole town is full of great parents and teachers.

Sweet…the R word. Nope she is a Savante!

Vampires! Where is the glitter!!

Great music. This totally reminds me of Tales From The Crypt.

Box-o-candy

The bus sank soo deep. It put your ass to sleep.

Yeah…the candles will protect you…ok…unless you knock them over…or leave them burning when you go to sleep. THEN THEY BURN YOU WITH FIRE!

Hey..that kid was trick ’r treating earlier.

Tater Sack Pumpkin Head is my fave.

The old Sacrifice the Virgin. Virgin’s have it tough in horror movies

Warning…there are no treats in this movie. Only tricks. Carve your eyes out fun.

Don’t listen to the advice of sluts.

Gur Gur. Stephen Wilkins. Or…bone out the leg man.

Sweet Greams are made of these. Nothing says sex like Marilyn Manson.

Hey…are these vamps.

Let me pull this skin off like a cheap sweater.

Trick ‘R Treat. Where you are the decorations.

This must be a predominantly white neighborhood.

Asthmatic killer.

My 2 button remote control. Is that Rip Torn?

I don’t think we chain the mentally challenged up in school buses anymore.

The principle and the old man do not have the same relationship as Wilson and Tim Allen did in Home Improvement backyard fence exchanges.

You gonna show that NRA card?

Hey..who put these stairs here?

Like razor blades and candy.

It was the bus driver!!

pretty darn smart

Don’t break the Halloween rules!! Sam will kill you with a sickle shaped pumpkin sucker.

The Frightners

The Frightners (1996) (110 min – Rated: R)

The Frighteners is a 1996 comedy horror film directed by Peter Jackson and co-written with his wife, Fran Walsh. The film stars Michael J. Fox, Trini Alvarado, Peter Dobson, John Astin, Dee Wallace Stone, Jeffrey Combs, R. Lee Ermey, Jim Fyfe, and Jake Busey. The Frighteners tells the story of Frank Bannister (Fox), an architect who develops psychic abilities allowing him to see, hear, and communicate with ghosts after his wife’s murder. He initially uses his new abilities to work with various spirits to cheat money out of customers for his “ghosthunting” business. However, the spirit of a mass murderer comes back from Hell, able to attack the living and the dead, as the ghost of the Grim Reaper, prompting Frank to investigate the supernatural presence.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Frighteners

Opener:

Wait Frank!…don’t kill yourself…… Let me do it… I think I have Kevin Bacon and Keifer Southerland on speeddial. Get it…Where they kill themselves. Flatliners….no? screw you.

Twitter:  The Frightners – Somewhere between ghostbusters and Doc Hollywood you will find a creepy necro-phelia scene. Just like Doc Hollywood. nice shooting Tex.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116365/

 

Stuff I Loved:

Who better to bring you a monster movie than Universal

  • That is one creepy house

What is up with the lady bowl cuts?

  • Music by Danny Elfman…yeah.  Peter Jackson

What kind of car is that? is it New Zealand like Peter Jackson

The most direct way down a mountain. A straight line apparently

  • Didn’t he do this at the start of Doc Hollywood?
  • What a young Busey. Jake Busey that is.

The family home is a Sanatorium? No wonder.

  • Raggedy Ann doll pillow beatdown
  • If a poltergeist can lift a bed. Why don’t they just go ahead and smoosh you.
  • I used to never could relate to the Suburban Husband and his obsession with his fence. I’m older now. I can totally relate. Get off my lawn you shyster!

Bathroom conversation about the food? No thanks.

  • The bulging wall effect. I loved this back in the day. Still very effective.
  • Michael J Foxes tearing through the backroom looking for Death was awesome.

The Death Corridor is kind of like a worm hole.

  • Hitler Hair.

Love the idea of puking because you can’t handle being yelled at by a woman.

  • You are violating my territorial bubble
  • Is this the first movie after Teen Wolf? Bannister making the basetball court in the back yard with his long hair looks like a teenwolf followup. Remember TeenWolf 2?
  • Want to pull my heart strings? Kill the Judge.
  • I was a little disturbed by the necrophilia with the Judge and the mummy
  • Man. These cops have a little bit of reckless regard for public safety.
  • Good on ya. A Ghost Busters reference…hooo hooo hooo…nice shooting Tex.
  • Vovlos are safe cars. Thank goodness Bannister drives them. Cause he is kind of wreckless.
  • How come all my accidents involve stitches and not super powers?
  • Trope: Kick the dog to protect it. Punch the Big Foot so he will return to the woods. Say mean things to the girl so she will be safe.
  • Piss on my hushpuppies
  • Gary Buseys dad used to say “OMG. look at those teeth. This is your fault woman.”
  • This is one of those. “Nobody is safe movies.” Even if you are dead you can still be killed.
  • The cops are the “stupid parents” in this movie. If you involve the cops as your primary unbelieving foil then you have no one to turn to. Usually Parents, Adults, Cops or the Military. Occasionally a spouse. Why is it never your kids. I would totally watch a movie where your teenage kids turn you over to the authorities and eventually die at the end of the movie because they think you are lame when you tell them there is a talking possum that is trying to take over the city.
  • Wait…don’t kill yourself…… Let me do it… I think I have Kevin Bacon and Keifer Southerland on speeddial. Get it…Where they kill themselves. Flatliners….no? screw you.
  • Watching MJ Fox getting run over while out of body was painful.
  • Your shotgun has unlimited ammo. Nice upgrade…ohh…and a flashlight.
  • Yeah…let’s not find a regular church…no…let’s go to the abandoned hospital and find the chapel where all those people died. Why can’t you hear me! I am screaming at the TV.

I have an uzi. and I’m crazy!

Re-Animator

Re-Animator (1985)  96 min  Rated R

Re-Animator is a 1985 American science fiction horror film based on the H. P. Lovecraft story “Herbert West–Reanimator.” Directed by Stuart Gordon, it was the first film in the Re-Animatorseries. The film has since become a cult film, driven by fans of Jeffrey Combs (who stars as Herbert West) and H. P. Lovecraft, extreme gore, and the combination of horror and comedy.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Re-Animator

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089885/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Opener: Hey that was fun Herbert. But how about next time…next time… we bring someone back from the dead…how about we pick an old lady or the infirmed instead of Arnold Schwatzneggers body double!! Also, I saw your note on the fridge. What does “Cat Dead. Details later” mean.

Twitter: Re-Animator – I have a theory. Overdose! Ok. That is more of a last resort. But this movie dosage was too large

 

Stuff I Loved:

Dr. Gruber!

What…I didn’t do nothing!! I just got this needle here.

Dr. Gruber says… “I have this terrible sinus headache.”

The dosage was too large!!

Love the opening music. Psycho ripoff

Mad props to director choosing a heavy set lady with no shirt to perform chest compressions on.

Work joke! Locked doors. Very funny…now read your paper and smoke your cigarette

Oh dear lord it’s big foot from the 6 million dollar man getting an autopsy.

No sneaking up on me when in the morgue

Hans Gruber? as in Hans Gruber the terrorist in Die Hard?

666 Darkmore address – 555 number. Geez who would take that serious.

Roofus totally didn’t look like someone threw him from off screen. Looked natural as all hell.

The minute you get your MD I will marry you. I’M MARRYING A DOCTOR!!

Dan…stop it…I don’t like that…stop it. c’mon stop…Dan.

Ms. Hallsey. Mr. Hallsey.

Just had a basement gasm…yes…oh yes…yes…basement!

mmm…just like the injuns used to do. Just like peeling a large orange

6 to 12 minutes!!

What the hell. breaking pencils. What is the symbolism

How do you call a cat? psss psss pss pss. Cat’s don’t come to being called dumb ass.

We named the cat roofus.

West not only has a mini fridge in his room. He doesn’t close it after he puts dead cats in it.

“Cat dead. Details later.”

The sound effects in this movie is awesome! Some of it is stock and other parts are people making noises.

“Fighting dead cats in the basement” was my bands name in college.

Reanimation fluid looks like flubber. Neon Green.

Birth is always painful

Sometimes dead is better.

Smoking cigars in the morgue. has that ever been a thing?

Let’s see…what do we want to re-animate…hmmm…

Hehe…this would have freaked me out on October 10th

Is he putting a flashlight on that dude’s junk.

This first guy they reanimate is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s body double from Terminator

The dead guy failed. Not me!!

Next time we reanimate someone….we are going to pick an old lady…not a body builder

oh man…bonesaw through the back. That has to hurt.

I don’t want my potential future father in-law to be brought back to life.

One bad decision after the next.

Unbreakable plastic. Sweet

Bringing something back to life that has active bleeding wounds. Probably not a good idea until you patch up the wounds.

One heck of a security guard.

Go to fetal position.

John Kerry wants to perform exploratory surgery on Dean Hallsey.

“We are both scientists…let’s get to the point.”

That was just…screwed up. Shovel chopping off of head. and jamming it onto a meat thermometer.

I know…I know…you won’t be able to speak if you didn’t have any lungs…but…head in a basket calling you a bastard…that’s pretty creepy.

Your father is not only dead…he’s been lobotomized.

Let me get this straight. He didn’t kill me…but took my serum.

Sure Mr. West…sure you had to kill him. But did you have to bring him back to life.

Worst Nike shirt ever

Hill is a creep.

Why bother putting your head back on your body…when it’s much funnier to watch it fumble around your office.

Like some kind of head fish in a tray. It needs to remain moist

How can Hallsey see through the one way mirror.

Worst guard ever.

Yeah…whatever…the first body will do.

Daddy is a bastard

Dr. Neckskin.

OMG….making daddy watch.

Dead Head Monologging

How long does it take for a laser drill to work?

What a boot to the head

I have a theory. OVERDOSE!! that’s less of a theory and more of a last resort.

Really…more naked men than I am comfortable with.