The Monster Squad

TicketThe Monster Squad

PG-13  |   |  Action, Comedy, Fantasy  |  14 August 1987 (USA)


[usr 5.0]


One Hundred Years Before This Story Begins…

It Was A Time Of Darkness In Transylvania…


A Time When Dr. Abraham Van Helsing…

And A Small Band Of Freedom Fighters…

Conspired To Rid The World Of Vampires And

Monsters…And To Save Mankind From the

Forces Of Eternal Evil… 



They Blew It.

Can I Stream It?

The Monster Squad Widget on


Oh hi! I understand you guys would like to join The Movie Squad. What is the movie squad you didn’t ask? It’s a club formed to fight the evils of the Ruiners of our Childhoods. Aka jerks like George Lucas and Stephen Spielberg. Alright, to join Movie Squad you just have to tell me the two ways to kill George Lucas and Stephen Speilberg. Let’s start with Lucas. How would you slay him?

  1. Shrink his turtlenecks in the dryer and watch it slowly strangle him until his head falls off.
  2. Shove a Jar Jar Binks up his anus hole….until his head falls off.

Now Speilberg?

  1. Shoot him in the face with your flashlight or keys…nah I’m just kidding… that didn’t work in E.T. and it ain’t going to work here. Just use a gun.
  2. Use chapter select to infinite repeat one of the 12 endings in A.I. until his head explodes…. like a great white with an oxygen tank in his mouth. 

Happy Halloween! Also, WolfmansGotNards is my pornhub username. Don’t look that up kids.


Twitter: The Monster Squad (1986) – Like watching The Halloween Special Of The Goonies with a friend who has a sister who is an attention whore or Fine Like The Song Of The South for gay people.



Creepy abandoned Graveyard…check

Stormy Night…Check

Creepy old castle…Check

Creepy Bat…Check…It’s Dracula!

Stan Winston Monsters!

Angry mob with torches…check

Dynamite! Didn’t see that coming.

Vampire Bride killed by Van Helsing…cheeeck.

Flashy Medallion?

This music and scene is very Indiana Jones/Ghost Busters.

Did they bring a virgin to read some stuff?

She just got sucked into an Ash Hole…like in the Evil Dead.

You know…I think it would be pretty easy to beat a skeleton. They got

no muscles.

File Folders are a kid’s worst nightmare.

Cool…they cataloged my Spider with a human head.

We have a monster club!!

Meow Mix…Cat Head…How rude

“I think science is cool. I dig it man.” – principle

What do they tell you about Homo’s and people with cat heads? Damn…this is like the song of the south for gay people.

haha…what makes fat kid fat!

Faggot word alert. Geez.

Trope. Bully beats us the wimpy/fat kid…bodyguard show up to dispense justice.

I got to say…I’ve eat a lot worse things than a ground and pound snickers bar.

Wolf Dork?! It’s so hairy!

That skateboard is rad.

Phoebe the Pheeb. These kids are great at name calling.

Talk about a jump. We are running with kids and now we are in a pimp plane with it’s red light on. Are they delivering cargo or developing film?

A flying bat in a plane…I’ve just been incepted.

Vampire bats sound like dog toys.

That is one sweet ass tree house…dangerous as hell…but sweet.

Proposition the 2nd way to kill a werewolf.

TV in the kitchen. How progressive.

This movie makes great use of lighting flare effects. Damn you JJ Abrams get out of my 80s movie

Vampire lore that I did not know. They light up light skeletons when lightening strikes.

Groundhog Day is not the one I am thinking of.

Werewolves are always trying to get locked up. Like that has ever worked.

Police Brutality!

Which transforming monster is the nastiest when transforming?

80s BK Bag! I can smell the fry grease.

Damn you Stan Winston…that is a great Mummy.

For a second there I thought we were on Degaba and Dracula was Yoda’ing that coffin out of the swamp.

That rod does it all.

I will say it again. Damn you Stan Winston that is a great Frankenstein Monster.

Van Halen Diary on the board…hehe…

I miss house phones…you always knew where they were.

Alvcard is Dracula backwards!! Nilbog bitches.

Sarcastic dad is sarcastic.

Robotech shirt on that kid and My Monster! Geez…that was my room.

Sometimes parents just don’t understand. Monster in my closet.

Fat kid farted! Fat kid always farts.

I always felt like this was a Goonies ripoff. Now I wish more movies were Goonie ripoffs.

C’mon Drac…you know Frankenstein monster don’t like no fire.

So Drac is sending his best minion to retrieve the diary.

Gotcha Shark Surf Shirt and Wayfarer glasses.

What the hell is Fat kid wearing? Are those comics on his shirt?

That is not a standard slice of pie man…that is like 2 slices. Why are you making fat kid fat.

What part does the interpreter play? Explains the book to the kids.

Old people are scary to kids. Especially when they are foreign.

Fat kid got on some two tone Jams. ahhh yeah.

Is that a casio or iron man watch that the kid has on?

Frankenstein and the little girl.

Got to love it when an 6 year old girl says Chicken Shit.

Geez…does all that neighbor girl do is stand in front of a window getting naked…

Very touching moment when Frank realizes he is scary but then the kids accept him. awww…the feels!

Why is wolf man staying wolfed out? Is Drac doing that?

That is the flashiest medallion ever.

Damn you Stan Winston…that is a great wolfman costume.

I spotted a swatch with bands on the face! That was hot back in the day.

Sort of kid montage…Homework…and monster work.

That dog did not lick the right side of the envelope

Dear lawd…that is big ass copier.

What you doing over here Rudy? Just making bullets.

1 hour photo baby! Take a whole roll of selfies and you can see them in an hour…guaranteed…order some Pizza and it will be delivered in 30 minutes or less. Man…what happened to time guarantees or it is freeeee bitches.

666 Shadowbrook Road…who would even let there be a 666 any place street.

that gas station the WolfMan was at was old school even for the 80s.

Walkie Talkies are better than cell phones.

Butt Love…hehe…

Nature Squad

Where is all this dynamite coming from! There was a lot more dynamite accessibility during the 80s

Wolf Man’s Got Nards would be a T-shirt if this movie came out today.

Drac always has some vampire honeys.

Who knew a mummy would be so easy to unravel.

Dracula drives down the center lane cause he drives a ghost car. Never play chicken with Dracula.

You know shit is real when Dracula dynamite bombs your tree house.

They killed his partner! This just got real real.

You made your quiver too tight and now you got a vampire lady on your neck.

Door crashing used to have a very specific sound during the 80s.

Why would the wolfman ever need to sneak up on someone….He’s the wolfman.

During the 80s if you called somebody a name and they looked…that meant that they were that thing.

Wolfman got Logan like powers.

What did she do to Steve that made her not a virgin?

Damn you Stan Winston…that is a great Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Poor ole Horace.

Drac be like back handing bitches.

Pretty sure getting picked up by the face would suck.

Frank is going all “Vader on the Emperor” style.

I wonder if that is Satan’s Anus they just opened up. Like is that a Lucifer goatse? Giving us a Satan Goatse.

Van Helsing was there!

Frank has got to go.

Who brought the damn tanks to a monster fight? There ain’t no Godzilla here.

And now for some white man psuedo rap from the 80s. It was hard times for white rappers before Eminem.

All dem credits and no after dinner mint.

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