This week on Filmsack we dig deep into Disney’s Darkest Hole. I mean we really get in there and dig around for nuggets of..oh….hold on guys…I’m getting an “ESP.” Uh huh..right…yeah..I’ll tell them…ok guys I just got a brain call from everyone’s favorite 1970 era sci-fi robot… old “one ball” B.O.B. …It appears he survived after all. However, he assimilated with Ernest Borgnine and now identifies as No Balls / Borg B.O.B….I’ll just let that one burn into your soul for a minute while you struggle to imagine a sweaty robot with a mustache. Does anybody have a 2 minute overture they want to play? Might help pass the time. No…
Alright! Oh wait! I’m getting another “ESP!” It’s V.I.N.Cent uh huh…right…yeah….I’ll tell ’em. V.I.N.Cent says he’s sorry. He’s sorry he asked all you lovely Filmsackers to endure this movie and he promises to never do it again. Nah I’m kidding…he started quoting some long dead philosopher and I remembered that this is ESP and I could just severe the connection. Click!
Well, I hope you enjoyed the view from the sidecar of my imagination…. and now here is that 2 minute overture I promised. No? Do you prefer commercials and 20 trailers before your movie? Fine. Then that is what you will get. …and now on with the show this is shit…this is PG! I can say that…it’s PG! we can talk about hell and everything!
The Black Hole (1979) – WTF! How is that an ending! Oh wait! I’m getting an “ESP!” Extra Spicy Poop
- Space overture.
- “What is your type and model?” “Buzz saw!”
- and I thought storm troopers were bad shots
- The Reinhardt Maximilian love scene was the best.
- Welcome to hell
- Welcome to heaven?
- WTF! How is that an ending!
Welcome to hell Carrie, we’ve been expecting you. Hopefully, you took notice of all the graffiti signs we have been leaving around town for the last couple of weeks to prepare you. Now come on in and burn a while. haha…I’m kidding. This is hell…you burn forever.
Ok…so let’s see…here is your first “turd in hell” ration. Just go ahead and eat that one up and get a taste of what to expect…oh don’t worry…we call it a ration…but really there is just an endless supply of shit down here.
Up next is the sign up sheet for the Devil’s Dance…you may know it back on earth as “The Prom.” This year’s theme is “Bring your Mom to Prom.” and speak of the devil, there’s your mom now trying to save Tommy from eternal damnation. You’re too late Margret! Now get back in your Prayer Pantry and Pray to Scary Jesus until the Devil’s Dance.
Oh hell…I see Billy is over at the lake of fire smashing hogs with a sledge hammer. Well, Carrie we will just have to finish up your orientation later. Hey Billy! Stop it! Stop enjoying yourself! This is hell for Pete’s sake. At least act like your are miserable!
You can’t hide from me Billy I can see your stupid Silhouette!
Carrie (1976) – I can see your dirty pillows and really way too much more than I care for. De Palma was weak…De Palma was weak…say it.
- 1976! What…that’s pre-Star Wars!
- Eat Shit Carrie
- A little friendly game of Volleyball and then a wild sexy romp in the ladies locker room.
- Can’t get enough of naked ladies rubbing themselves??…how about some slow mo for that Body Washing.
- Plug it up…plug it up…plug it up…that’s shit only King would write.
- This Gym teacher is kind of aggressive.
- Carrie White…not no more.
- The principal is not comfortable with all this women stuff.
- We can call you a cab
- Dismissed from gym for a week!
- “Crazy Carrie… Crazy Carrie..” Bike crash.
- These are godless times…I’ll drink to that.
- Here lady…here is a book of the lord for your heathen daughter.
- The first sin was intercourse! The first sin was intercourse.
- Momma…why didn’t you tell me.
- Eve was weak…Eve was weak…say it!
- You didn’t tell me momma! The curse of blood.
- Here Carrie…get into the praying pantry.
- That praying pantry Jesus is a little too real for me.
- “Thank you momma for my prayer time with scary Jesus in the prayer pantry.”
- Carrie White says it’s beautiful.
- It is bad enough to write Eat Shit…it’s worse to draw it.
- Stretch Norma Stretch
- The coach is just making them girls all super strong…they gonna beat up Carrie
- and now…run in a herd. Shut up Chris.
- This is over…this isn’t over by a long shot.
- Carrie knows she has the mind powers
- Come on Travolta…Drinking and Driving!
- Is Travolta in the slow lane…
- She is always getting slapped…the coach…her boyfriend.
- James Garner in the Gun Something
- Don’t call Travolta a Dumb Shit…or you will get the slap down.
- The library can teach you hot to use your telekinesis…aka witch powers
- If you ask Carrie to the prom she will run away.
- Having a moment with the gym teacher in the courtyard.
- This was the original Mean Girls
- You can’t go to Prom without a date!! What!
- “We don’t care how we look…do we William Katt?” Well…hair toss…maybe.
- Look at all these pigs! It’s a good joke right…kill a pig and take it’s blood.
- Travolta is the nightmare pigs have. Hammer time…get’er done.
- “You’ve been invited to the prom? You mean the Devil’s Dance? Now get in the Prayer Pantry and pray to scary Jesus.”
- After the blood comes the boys.
- Tell that boy you ain’t going to prom or we are moving away from here.
- Psycho music
- The devil took your daddy out of here…kicking and screaming.
- How did those loser get all that pig blood in that gas can.
- Keep your tits on and I will let you pull the rope when the time comes.
- Does Freddy have mind powers? Is he going to be there to count the ballots for king and queen at 6…he will be there at 8.
- Bates high school. Like Norman Bates?
- Uh…Ma’am are you going to buy those lipsticks?
- $10 bucks to rent a tux?
- I don’t have a Tuxedo body.
- It’s Pink Momma…are you colorblind or something?
- I can see your dirty pillows….breasts..they are called breasts.
- He’s going to laugh at you…they are all going to laugh at you.
- Look what you did mamma…you messed up my dirty pillows!
- Well the prom is going well. I love the prom band.
- What is Mrs Collin’s deal with Carrie…she is really focused in.
- Tommy is a pretty good pretender.
- This movie does a good job at lulling your into a false sense of trust…even though you know something bad is going to happen.
- You liked my poem!
- Love in the stars (prom theme)…feeling like I’m on Mars.
- To the Devil with false modesty…to the Devil. Momma was right!!
- Time to chop vegetables. They are all going to laugh at you. Chop Chop Chop
- Norma is always wearing that hat…even at prom.
- Drop them ballots and just start kicking.
- Travolta under the prom stage is enough to give you nightmares.
- That bucket is supposed to be full of glitter and star dust not pig blood.
- Sissy Spacek was 25 or 26 here.
- That blood bucket is all giggly.
- Follow the rope to the silhouette hands under the stage.
- William Katt is like…My girlfriend so crazy…got me taking other chics to the prom…now she is getting thrown out of the prom.
- They’re all gonna laugh at you…Mom had powers of future sight. Trust me Carrie…you can Trust me. Sorry…
- You know what this prom needs…water and electricity and a lot of fire.
- Now we gotta move.
- Mom is at home having candle light church.
- Now your dress is red. I guess your mom saw that as well. Foreshadow…they are all going to laugh at you.
- Momma is creepy hiding behind the door like that.
- I should have killed myself the first time he put it in me. The sin never dies.
- Whiskey Sex and I liked it
- The Devil has come home…you are the devil in this scenario Carrie
- Gonna stab you in the back with my floor knife.
- and now I am the scary the Jesus.
- Head to the Prayer Pantry with Scary Jesus as the house falls down.
- For Sale…one pile of rubble…
- Jump Scare!
yes, this is Doctor Face Laser. Why, yes…they are here…the one called Logan 5 is on the table as we speak. In fact he is in the process of sexually harassing Nurse Farah 3. Yeah…these sandmen are all about getting naked. He’s all like….”Hey, is that soup? I better get naked so I don’t get any on my clothes…hey…you should get naked too and then we can eat soup with careless abandon. OH NO HOT SOUP ON MY GENITALS”
Anywho, Yeah I can zap his face. t’would be my pleasure. But, listen I got to go. I need to wrap this whole thing up before Carrousel tonight. What…you’ve never been to Carrousel…duuuude. It’s like a human bug zapper….BZZZT. Hey Human, you renewed!” haha…there’s no such thing…I’m a doctor damnit.
Question…what’s my name….noooo… my fancy doctor name. That’s right… Doctor Snooty Pattoty Kitty Dootty. Meow. Yeah, I’m naked right now.
Gotta run! Bye!
Logan’s Run (1976) – Question…do I get my 2 hours back? Hmmm….So, that’s a “no” then… ya giant Simon Sez!? and Protein from the Sea
Sandmen always renew.
Logan 7…says Logan 5
I have never even visited Nursery.
I go floaty in the carousel. No renew…Just dead.
We got a runner….
This movie’s sound design is all about making you feel as disconnected as possible.
Logan is not a great shot…RUN RUNNER!!
Crazy Eyes Laugh.
the gem goes from clear to green to red to black
Why did you put yourself on the circuit? Sandmen are not killers!
She is 6? What quadrant do you live in? K….can you be more specific?
Logan 5..you just said I am Logan 5 why would I need to identify.
Say my name one more time! LOGAN 5….
Question…do I get my 2 hours back? (do i get my 4 years back.) Does Ankh mean no computer box!?
That computer is a giant SImon Says. Logan says…run.
Color choices are limited in the future.
In the future we all live in a mall…and we ride the carousel to renew and then we hit the arcade and we are all under 30.
Some kind of mall/airport terminal.
Connect 4 door. You sank my battleship!
I’m Mary 2. Mary is the second of her kind.
How many of you want this to be last day…Billy?
haha…Logan wants to take his clothes off.But not for your face.
“Hello yes…yes they are…” – Doctor Watch Now.
Oh man…I have never seen Logan’s run on anything other than Network TV. I for sure have never seen the slow mo orgy room.
Logan Number 5. No Disassemble. RUN LOGAN.
These guns have questionable intent.
Run the maze runner.
This is like the 3rd time Logan has tried to get naked in front of the girl. He is Logan Weinstein.
He is like the Burl Ives of the Future. Box. Box. Box. Click Click. So his name is Box?
Protein from the sea.
That bot takes way too much joy in his work.
Back off Francis 7…I’m trying to run here.
“I hate outside…I hate it..” – Fragile Jessica. TAKE ME BACK TO CAROUSEL!
You keep talking about Sanctuary…Sanctuary…shut up already.
So Washington DC is Sanctuary. HA! not if Trump has anything to say about it. BUILD A WALL…FILL IT WITH BOX and Protein from the Sea.
Haha…throwing shade on Lincoln about his age. Also, they never seen a beard.
oh c’mon…you never seen an old man with a bunch of cats?
Who am i? I’m old man Cat Man
We came for the ice. We stayed for the Santuary.
These youths are curious.
Each Cat has 3 different names. Ordinary name…fancy name…and the name the cats won’t tell me…isn’t that right Henry.
Cat people are always trying to give you a cat.
Cavity McCavity. The mystery cat.
“This isn’t the truth! It’s a lie!” – Francis
The old man is staying out of this. Hes like…nope…
Bringing the justice to the side of Francis’ head.
Deep Sleep Sandman.
Nothing sadder than dead fish
This …This is not a good plan…swimming in some underwater maze you have no idea where it goes.
The computer couldn’t handle the truth.
and welcome to my very modern and chic 70s apartment of the future where things are totally not creepy and weird.
Over here is my darkroom where I develop pictures of dead and/or angry people in curious poses…depicted in various stages of undress…so…no ugos.
Speaking of no ugos. Don’t go into the bedroom unless your self esteem is at least a 9. It’s full of mirrors…have you ever seen your face and your own ass at the same time? It’s enough to give someone a psychotic break. Or if you already are crazy…who knows…maybe it will give you a moment of clarity.
Anywho, over here is my giant chicken….or maybe it’s a rooster….a cock if you will. Hey….is that why I bought this? Do I have some kind of repressed sexual frustration that is creeping to the surface and manifesting itself into my home decor? Nah…it’s probably just a giant chicken.
Eyes of Laura Mars (1978) – Raul Julia just eats up the screen…then makes love to it. Passionately. Then leaves. For 50…no…100 bucks! It smells like a Gorilla cage in here.
Very James Bond title sequence
Somebody get this man a Steady Cam!
Most boring magazine ever….I’m just hear to read the articles…where the hell are the articles and ads!
Those are way better scissors than the ones I have at my house. mmm…cutting magazines with scissors…that takes me back. Remember when you were in college and made all those ransom notes?
The Eyes of Mars – By Laura Mars
Hey! That is the lady from the magazine!
doh…right in the eye with an icepick! It was Laura Mars. In the Kitchen. With an Icepick.
Well that room sure has a lot of mirrors.
What a modern home. very modern indeed. very fashion. uptown. Also, GIANT CHICKEN! Nothing says Modern like Giant Chicken. It’s a rooster…WAKE UP LAURA MARS Cock-a-doodle-doo
Dem is some loud slippers she has on going into the slide study.
It was photobook. Not a magazine
It was all a dream
7 minutes in..time to roll them opening credits baby!
Oh! Irvin Kershner! Of Empire fame? and Never Say Never Again!
Tommy the limo driver is a creep
Photography is just a hype!
Violent and Sexy Photos
haha…Oto is all like… “beat it scamp reporters…we got to mix with the real people now.”
You are just the right number of minutes late.
Why is that dog stepping on that naked lady in that photo next to the pool? Hey dog? That’s not where you perform CPR!
is that lady doing it with a bear?
What could gross out little miss sunshine of murder over there?
it’s a total hype
haha…who is the small person side-ler? I’ll just walk up this conveniently placed set of steps and creepily stand behind my friend and look at her bald spot.
Down at Soho
This movie has some interesting shots.
This photo shoot in the city is off the chain.
Burning cars…cherubs fountains…ladies in lace…dog and cats…living together.
Someone needs to get their German Shepard under control.
the off screen ambient convos in this movie are weird.
Don’t Punch Me!
“Hey Lady!” HEY LADY!
I saw it…I mean….I didn’t saw it…I mean I saw it…
Burt is always saying and doing shit to make people call out his name.
what do you use this for? “…cut rope and shit…” – Assistant
His Lloyd Bridges is not that good.
Does she see photographs or actual scenes or is the crime scene photographer have the same eye for framing.
I wish I had that power…to walk in front of a building where people are standing and casually walk by and suggest some action. “remove him please.”
Raul Julia eats up the screen…then makes love to it. Passionately. Then leaves. For 50…no…100 dollars!
So is she still seeing what the killer is seeing? How is she running and seeing.
So did Carpenter write… “…then…more boobs. and lace…”
Awww…the limo driver likes Lulul..here is a flower.
Never trust a limo driver who plays that much solatair
Your body…My body…everybody move their body.
Here is a totally prop gun…and not a real gun at all.
I guess a lot of people had not seen themselves on a monitor in 1978. Hence the explanation.
“get out of here Fienny”
Instant Messaging or Cell phones would have made this a quick movie. “SOMEBODY IS THERE! FACEBOOK IT!”
yep…this is how I imagine young attractive models spend their afternoons. In panties and massaging one another.
This is Lulu and Michele. We’re not home, so go to hell. But if you’re not a horny creep. Then leave a message at the beep….[5 minutes of laughing]….beeep.
Haha…got to love when the eulogist references the dictionary when talking about you.
Crisis of conscience. Let’s make out!…right in the middle of all this death…lust…love…passion. You gotta die to live.
I want you to have something…this gun…with no bullets.
“When he comes at you…squeeze that trigger and he will go away.”
Oto knows how to dress comfortable.
Hey Tommy…take your limo cap and get out of here.
Why is Tommy not more upset about Lulu.
Bert…you scamp…these are no blow candles.
It’s my birthday…I can be whoever I want.
Don’t Clairvoyant and Drive
“It smells like a Gorilla cage in here…” – Cops talking while sacking Tommy’s apartment.
…there is no telephone in the library!
Tommy Lee Jones…telling Tommy not to run.
Tommy Lee Jones running down the streets of NY full speed and screaming his own name.
Neville has a split.
How was that predictable? Some reviews say this was predictable.
Self Loathing. He deserves it…put him out of his misery.
You shot me? Why did you shoot me?
So Neville was the murderer and hero.
SAY YOUR NAME!! I’m Laura Mars.
We are here for the shark slayer. The one your people call….Dreyfuss. Ahh…there he is now…good good he received our mind mail…. there were concerns about compatibility. We discussed sending a DM via Social Media. But that is still decades or more away. Spoiler, it changes everything. With great power come great responsibility #excelsior
Anywho, The ladies up here have authorized me to offer you a trade for these 100 totally not shark slayers for your 1 Dreyfuss, Shark slayer 100 percent.
Excellent ah. It would appear the trade has pleased Dreyfuss. So suck it and thank you people of earth for your sacrifice…. the universe will love you long time. am I saying that correctly?
Ha Now….to SPACE! Where we will engage the great space shark in a battle we will call Jaws X – little title Dreyfus in Space.
Oh wait. I almost forgot. Dreyfuss, would you like to say goodbye to anyone? No? perhaps your wife and kids? No? You sure…damn you are one cold hearted shark slayer…what’s that Dreyfuss..Scheider slayed the shark? You just poked it with a stick?
Well we got what we got. Someone get this human a stick….to SPACE!
Pilot PLAY THAT FUNKY BEAT.