and Good Morning Southwestern Sheriff’s Office Staff. As you ma have heard. Last night Sheriff Peck was killed by a large black sedan. Yes, the same dark car that has been terrorizing our small desert town in recent days. As you may know, I will be stepping into the role of acting Sheriff. My name is Wade Parent and I am the son of Sheriff Parent, Any questions? Yes…yes Sheriff Parent was my Dad which makes him my Parent Parent…look…let’s not get caught up in a whole thing here…we got a killer out there and we have to find a way to stop them and quick.
What’s that Officer Token-Southwestern-Native-American Type…you have something to say? No? Odd…I would have thought for sure you would have had something to suggest this was a car possessed by an evil spirit or something. Well good for you. It’s 1977 and it is a weird time for Native Americans in America.
Say what? You do have one working theory though? ok…I’m all mustache and ears..go…uh huh…right…ok….so you think maybe This car could possibly be possessed by my dad’s spirit? Hmmm….well he did hate Sheriff Peckerhead, Hitchhikers and “Bikers Not Biking in the Bike Lane.” But our movie is only an hour and a half long so let’s put a “pin” in that and just spring the wife beater from his cell and blow up the car with some dangerous explosives…Honk Honk…Boom…Mushroom Satan Cloud! We all go home and kiss our kids. The end…or is it? Yeah…it’s the end.
The Car (1977) – Liking this movie is like trying not to wiggle your ass while brushing your teeth..it’s impossible. oh deep cut. “Send an ambulance…tell them there is no rush.”
- Beep Beep
- So far…music good….atmosphere good….is this Shining music? Nice establishing shot…fat from blue (cool) to brown (warm)
- You are a little slow this morning Peter…you are getting old!
- Race you through the tunnel!!
- Uh oh…this sepia tone car interior can’t be good.
- Road Runner Tunnel…flat black on the inside..
- A little bike ride in the mountains….no problem.
- Jaws type music…
- It is 35..Speed limit
- Who puts a train horn on a car…
- Look at that blood trail that car left behind.
- C’mon…we have dismiss the idea that these bikers won’t just stop biking and get off the road.
- I’m watching you sleep…and eating your face….Dragon Breath.
- “Did you know it is impossible brush your teeth without wiggling your ass.”
- Lauren wants his 2 kids to like her…
- 2 kids listening to their dad and his lady friend.
- She grabbed him by the balls…literally.
- She has to go to school.
- Cop jokes…cause he is the cop.
- These kids have native american portraits of themselves over their beds.
- Santa Ynez
- Some guy with a french horn.
- Even my little friend in my treestump is singing.
- Farting music for a year.
- I’m moving as fast as my thumb will take it.
- 34 year old nympho and head to amazon basin and water ski. – Johnny Norris
- Johnny Norris said “up yours” and shot the car a bird…bye bird….honk hooooooonk…
- Mrs. Humphers. (Lauren)
- Mom is separated/divorced.
- As long as I don’t have to eat Brussels sprouts.
- A lot of impressions and a lot joking around.
- 4 times….all together…
- No Plate…Domestic?…lowered.
- They must be deep in the reservation.
- The Obligatory School Marching band that is slightly out of tune.
- Tommy Ness 13 imagine his teacher naked.
- This small town has a lot of cops.
- Beat up Bertha
- Uh oh…Deputy Drunk Duke is back on the sauce. He is next….
- I went to high school with Bertha…she was the first…now she is hooked up with Drunk Punch Husband.
- Putting pins in my topiary.
- Don’t be a bully…I hate bullys…
- Uh oh…who is hating the sinners in this town
- Don’t covenant your neighbor’s wife.
- Are you the car?
- Big and Black.
- Bad Things are coming with the wind. Says the little old native American Lady.
- Your the Chief now buddy.
- This while movie plays like an episode of Twilight Zone meets Perry Mason?
- “She said…there was no driver in the car….! Why you lying other guy!”
- Luke….small town sheriff…should we cancel our event? YES! too late.
- Time to get my sun on! Take a nap on the hood of my police car.
- “Send an ambulance…tell them there is no rush.”
- Marching Band…that is The Car Fodder.
- This car hates horns….I am the horn blower. Did the Chief have a horn?
- Jenny you are too Slow…and Bobby you are too…bunch of slow marchers.
- The wind is blowing
- Those horses are out!
- Get to the walls…fuck the horses.
- Terror is The Cars greatest strength.
- Why is that old lady slowing down her kid…oh…my arm…I fell…my arm…
- Into Hallowed Ground they go….where the hell are they practicing that they can run to a graveyard…an old graveyard?
- Hey You, Why don’t you get out of your big ugly car…I’d like to see what a creep like you looks like. Let us all see what a big lunatic. I got your story…in your car you are big and bad…Are you back again…what can we do for you sweet thing.
- This is Margie Johnson…The Car is locked in on the police frequency.
- What is Tadpole? as an insult?
- Now the teacher is in tight with the girls.
- He can’t take on both of us…Do a Barrel roll
- This is the most sensitive police force I have seen. Especially motorcycle cop too big for his bike.
- The wind just blew your paper into the road…get the hell out of the road fool.
- I love the painting that she has been working on for Wade…and now she is gone and so is Wade’s portrait with the cocked eyebrow. You failed me Wolf…oh…the painting survived!
- She cursed him…he crushed her.
- Get the other guys…we are creating a posse
- Everybody in this town is a cop.
- Copland…100 cops…3 citizens and some kids. Nobody else.
- Here is your box of Dangerous…easy now.
- I hope I make you proud daddy.
- 4 foot off the ground the car can bust through a house…is that the max height.
- Maggie now owns some kids.
- The Wife Beater and his Explosives…we need you.
- Oh shit…The Car is in his garage….
- Dude…care….why you in my garage? Are you my daddy?
- If this car is this guys Daddy…there is going to be a Not Luke…I am your Carther.
- This car does not want you to open the garage door…
- Gonna Carbon Monoxide you to death.
- Weakest point of the film is the speed up scenes.
- Going north across Jelly’s field.
- This thing can ram a cliff and you think you can bury him?
- Oh Damnation!
- Fatboy Slim running up a hill is humorous.
- Thelma and Louise this shit…honk honk!
- A pile of white men and one native american watching a demon emerge in the night sky after blowing up a canyon. Roar
- Well whoever he was…he ain’t no more. But in the fire….it’s over Luke…but the first…over! It ain’t over.
This week on Filmsack we dig deep into Disney’s Darkest Hole. I mean we really get in there and dig around for nuggets of..oh….hold on guys…I’m getting an “ESP.” Uh huh..right…yeah..I’ll tell them…ok guys I just got a brain call from everyone’s favorite 1970 era sci-fi robot… old “one ball” B.O.B. …It appears he survived after all. However, he assimilated with Ernest Borgnine and now identifies as No Balls / Borg B.O.B….I’ll just let that one burn into your soul for a minute while you struggle to imagine a sweaty robot with a mustache. Does anybody have a 2 minute overture they want to play? Might help pass the time. No…
Alright! Oh wait! I’m getting another “ESP!” It’s V.I.N.Cent uh huh…right…yeah….I’ll tell ’em. V.I.N.Cent says he’s sorry. He’s sorry he asked all you lovely Filmsackers to endure this movie and he promises to never do it again. Nah I’m kidding…he started quoting some long dead philosopher and I remembered that this is ESP and I could just severe the connection. Click!
Well, I hope you enjoyed the view from the sidecar of my imagination…. and now here is that 2 minute overture I promised. No? Do you prefer commercials and 20 trailers before your movie? Fine. Then that is what you will get. …and now on with the show this is shit…this is PG! I can say that…it’s PG! we can talk about hell and everything!
The Black Hole (1979) – WTF! How is that an ending! Oh wait! I’m getting an “ESP!” Extra Spicy Poop
- Space overture.
- “What is your type and model?” “Buzz saw!”
- and I thought storm troopers were bad shots
- The Reinhardt Maximilian love scene was the best.
- Welcome to hell
- Welcome to heaven?
- WTF! How is that an ending!
Welcome to hell Carrie, we’ve been expecting you. Hopefully, you took notice of all the graffiti signs we have been leaving around town for the last couple of weeks to prepare you. Now come on in and burn a while. haha…I’m kidding. This is hell…you burn forever.
Ok…so let’s see…here is your first “turd in hell” ration. Just go ahead and eat that one up and get a taste of what to expect…oh don’t worry…we call it a ration…but really there is just an endless supply of shit down here.
Up next is the sign up sheet for the Devil’s Dance…you may know it back on earth as “The Prom.” This year’s theme is “Bring your Mom to Prom.” and speak of the devil, there’s your mom now trying to save Tommy from eternal damnation. You’re too late Margret! Now get back in your Prayer Pantry and Pray to Scary Jesus until the Devil’s Dance.
Oh hell…I see Billy is over at the lake of fire smashing hogs with a sledge hammer. Well, Carrie we will just have to finish up your orientation later. Hey Billy! Stop it! Stop enjoying yourself! This is hell for Pete’s sake. At least act like your are miserable!
You can’t hide from me Billy I can see your stupid Silhouette!
Carrie (1976) – I can see your dirty pillows and really way too much more than I care for. De Palma was weak…De Palma was weak…say it.
- 1976! What…that’s pre-Star Wars!
- Eat Shit Carrie
- A little friendly game of Volleyball and then a wild sexy romp in the ladies locker room.
- Can’t get enough of naked ladies rubbing themselves??…how about some slow mo for that Body Washing.
- Plug it up…plug it up…plug it up…that’s shit only King would write.
- This Gym teacher is kind of aggressive.
- Carrie White…not no more.
- The principal is not comfortable with all this women stuff.
- We can call you a cab
- Dismissed from gym for a week!
- “Crazy Carrie… Crazy Carrie..” Bike crash.
- These are godless times…I’ll drink to that.
- Here lady…here is a book of the lord for your heathen daughter.
- The first sin was intercourse! The first sin was intercourse.
- Momma…why didn’t you tell me.
- Eve was weak…Eve was weak…say it!
- You didn’t tell me momma! The curse of blood.
- Here Carrie…get into the praying pantry.
- That praying pantry Jesus is a little too real for me.
- “Thank you momma for my prayer time with scary Jesus in the prayer pantry.”
- Carrie White says it’s beautiful.
- It is bad enough to write Eat Shit…it’s worse to draw it.
- Stretch Norma Stretch
- The coach is just making them girls all super strong…they gonna beat up Carrie
- and now…run in a herd. Shut up Chris.
- This is over…this isn’t over by a long shot.
- Carrie knows she has the mind powers
- Come on Travolta…Drinking and Driving!
- Is Travolta in the slow lane…
- She is always getting slapped…the coach…her boyfriend.
- James Garner in the Gun Something
- Don’t call Travolta a Dumb Shit…or you will get the slap down.
- The library can teach you hot to use your telekinesis…aka witch powers
- If you ask Carrie to the prom she will run away.
- Having a moment with the gym teacher in the courtyard.
- This was the original Mean Girls
- You can’t go to Prom without a date!! What!
- “We don’t care how we look…do we William Katt?” Well…hair toss…maybe.
- Look at all these pigs! It’s a good joke right…kill a pig and take it’s blood.
- Travolta is the nightmare pigs have. Hammer time…get’er done.
- “You’ve been invited to the prom? You mean the Devil’s Dance? Now get in the Prayer Pantry and pray to scary Jesus.”
- After the blood comes the boys.
- Tell that boy you ain’t going to prom or we are moving away from here.
- Psycho music
- The devil took your daddy out of here…kicking and screaming.
- How did those loser get all that pig blood in that gas can.
- Keep your tits on and I will let you pull the rope when the time comes.
- Does Freddy have mind powers? Is he going to be there to count the ballots for king and queen at 6…he will be there at 8.
- Bates high school. Like Norman Bates?
- Uh…Ma’am are you going to buy those lipsticks?
- $10 bucks to rent a tux?
- I don’t have a Tuxedo body.
- It’s Pink Momma…are you colorblind or something?
- I can see your dirty pillows….breasts..they are called breasts.
- He’s going to laugh at you…they are all going to laugh at you.
- Look what you did mamma…you messed up my dirty pillows!
- Well the prom is going well. I love the prom band.
- What is Mrs Collin’s deal with Carrie…she is really focused in.
- Tommy is a pretty good pretender.
- This movie does a good job at lulling your into a false sense of trust…even though you know something bad is going to happen.
- You liked my poem!
- Love in the stars (prom theme)…feeling like I’m on Mars.
- To the Devil with false modesty…to the Devil. Momma was right!!
- Time to chop vegetables. They are all going to laugh at you. Chop Chop Chop
- Norma is always wearing that hat…even at prom.
- Drop them ballots and just start kicking.
- Travolta under the prom stage is enough to give you nightmares.
- That bucket is supposed to be full of glitter and star dust not pig blood.
- Sissy Spacek was 25 or 26 here.
- That blood bucket is all giggly.
- Follow the rope to the silhouette hands under the stage.
- William Katt is like…My girlfriend so crazy…got me taking other chics to the prom…now she is getting thrown out of the prom.
- They’re all gonna laugh at you…Mom had powers of future sight. Trust me Carrie…you can Trust me. Sorry…
- You know what this prom needs…water and electricity and a lot of fire.
- Now we gotta move.
- Mom is at home having candle light church.
- Now your dress is red. I guess your mom saw that as well. Foreshadow…they are all going to laugh at you.
- Momma is creepy hiding behind the door like that.
- I should have killed myself the first time he put it in me. The sin never dies.
- Whiskey Sex and I liked it
- The Devil has come home…you are the devil in this scenario Carrie
- Gonna stab you in the back with my floor knife.
- and now I am the scary the Jesus.
- Head to the Prayer Pantry with Scary Jesus as the house falls down.
- For Sale…one pile of rubble…
- Jump Scare!
yes, this is Doctor Face Laser. Why, yes…they are here…the one called Logan 5 is on the table as we speak. In fact he is in the process of sexually harassing Nurse Farah 3. Yeah…these sandmen are all about getting naked. He’s all like….”Hey, is that soup? I better get naked so I don’t get any on my clothes…hey…you should get naked too and then we can eat soup with careless abandon. OH NO HOT SOUP ON MY GENITALS”
Anywho, Yeah I can zap his face. t’would be my pleasure. But, listen I got to go. I need to wrap this whole thing up before Carrousel tonight. What…you’ve never been to Carrousel…duuuude. It’s like a human bug zapper….BZZZT. Hey Human, you renewed!” haha…there’s no such thing…I’m a doctor damnit.
Question…what’s my name….noooo… my fancy doctor name. That’s right… Doctor Snooty Pattoty Kitty Dootty. Meow. Yeah, I’m naked right now.
Gotta run! Bye!
Logan’s Run (1976) – Question…do I get my 2 hours back? Hmmm….So, that’s a “no” then… ya giant Simon Sez!? and Protein from the Sea
Sandmen always renew.
Logan 7…says Logan 5
I have never even visited Nursery.
I go floaty in the carousel. No renew…Just dead.
We got a runner….
This movie’s sound design is all about making you feel as disconnected as possible.
Logan is not a great shot…RUN RUNNER!!
Crazy Eyes Laugh.
the gem goes from clear to green to red to black
Why did you put yourself on the circuit? Sandmen are not killers!
She is 6? What quadrant do you live in? K….can you be more specific?
Logan 5..you just said I am Logan 5 why would I need to identify.
Say my name one more time! LOGAN 5….
Question…do I get my 2 hours back? (do i get my 4 years back.) Does Ankh mean no computer box!?
That computer is a giant SImon Says. Logan says…run.
Color choices are limited in the future.
In the future we all live in a mall…and we ride the carousel to renew and then we hit the arcade and we are all under 30.
Some kind of mall/airport terminal.
Connect 4 door. You sank my battleship!
I’m Mary 2. Mary is the second of her kind.
How many of you want this to be last day…Billy?
haha…Logan wants to take his clothes off.But not for your face.
“Hello yes…yes they are…” – Doctor Watch Now.
Oh man…I have never seen Logan’s run on anything other than Network TV. I for sure have never seen the slow mo orgy room.
Logan Number 5. No Disassemble. RUN LOGAN.
These guns have questionable intent.
Run the maze runner.
This is like the 3rd time Logan has tried to get naked in front of the girl. He is Logan Weinstein.
He is like the Burl Ives of the Future. Box. Box. Box. Click Click. So his name is Box?
Protein from the sea.
That bot takes way too much joy in his work.
Back off Francis 7…I’m trying to run here.
“I hate outside…I hate it..” – Fragile Jessica. TAKE ME BACK TO CAROUSEL!
You keep talking about Sanctuary…Sanctuary…shut up already.
So Washington DC is Sanctuary. HA! not if Trump has anything to say about it. BUILD A WALL…FILL IT WITH BOX and Protein from the Sea.
Haha…throwing shade on Lincoln about his age. Also, they never seen a beard.
oh c’mon…you never seen an old man with a bunch of cats?
Who am i? I’m old man Cat Man
We came for the ice. We stayed for the Santuary.
These youths are curious.
Each Cat has 3 different names. Ordinary name…fancy name…and the name the cats won’t tell me…isn’t that right Henry.
Cat people are always trying to give you a cat.
Cavity McCavity. The mystery cat.
“This isn’t the truth! It’s a lie!” – Francis
The old man is staying out of this. Hes like…nope…
Bringing the justice to the side of Francis’ head.
Deep Sleep Sandman.
Nothing sadder than dead fish
This …This is not a good plan…swimming in some underwater maze you have no idea where it goes.
The computer couldn’t handle the truth.