Yes? yes, this is Sarge…What am I doing? right now? Oh Nothing much, Just sitting here shirtless in front of my computer shopping for shirts that I will most likely outgrow in a month. What’s that? Semper Fi, Shop or Die? oh yes…very clever sir.
So, what can we do for you today? Are my guys up for a quick trip to Mars by way of the bowels of the Nevada desert? Yeah, we can do that. Hey, has anyone told Elon Musk we found that portal? No, so he’s still shooting his cars into space? Man, he’s gonna be so bummed when he finds out. Sorry rocket man, maybe smoking pot can be your new hobby..
Anywho, Hey, while I have you on the line sir….can you look into getting me access to one of those BFGs for the barracks. The other guys here never invite me to indoor batting practice anymore and I feel like a Big Friendly Gun would really go a long way towards making things right.
Hey! Wait a minute…Reaper! As in Grimm Reaper…because his last name is Grimm….ohhhh…I just got that. Now my handle seems kind of lazy….Sarge… Doot Doot
Doom (2005) – Like an extra chromosome of bad movie making. Doot Doot
Year 2026 Portal to Mars (The Ark) In Nevada…who made it? Musk?
Mars has gotten a lot of bad movies about it.
How did that portal work the first time? You go in…you are on mars…and dead.
Lab coats run!
Doctor Carmack…hehe…he is out of here…just like ID software
LVL 5 Break! Quarantine.
Just computing shirtless.
That is some weak game system or 2026
Pretty sure you should not be taking batting practice in the barracks.
You hesitate…people die.
Stairway to heaven. Elevator to hell. It’s always easier to go to hell.
standard quarantine…6 hours.
Wheels! He lost his ass to another universe.
What…they don’t have bras on Mars?
Reaper Grimm…I GET IT!
Got to mark the way.
This movie is dark.
dummy…don’t touch stuff when an asshole tells you to touch it…electrified!
Who had the BFG schematics pulled up.
Lucy…found on Mars!
Who was Daddy Grimm? Why did he teach them to look at how many chromosomes?
“You don’t shield a baby from time” -Grimm Speak
Just gonna Van Gogh myself real quick. Rip my ear off.
Carmack. Logic before emotion. I wonder what Carmack thought about his namesake character?
Little green pills! Doot Doot. Let’s get jacked. Doot Doot. Adrenaline. Doot Doot.
ow…arm gore. I took him name in vain…so going to poke my vein
Nah Nah… I don’t do Nano Walls.
“A Monkey…Some kind of monkey!”
Look at the size of that needle they are taking his blood out with. LOOK AT IT!
Everybody is always talking about bagging and tagging…but I never see the bagging or the tagging.
Portman is weird…did they dub all of his dialogue?
Grimm lost his parents.
Pinky no legs. pinky wheels.
Dr. Willittits!! NOOOOO
Great melee move Reaper
is she going to scream every time Goat bangs his head on the glass?
BFG Big Friendly Gun
Portman has nervous bowel
haha…Destroyer cage match with what used to be lab assistant Johnson.
Destroyer got destroyed.
Why do they have test animals if it is archaeological research.
Carmack is a rocket scientist
Chromosome will either make you an angel or a devil
Pinky must have been extra evil
Everything after Grimm’s C-24 injection was a dream?
The whole movie should have been like the last 20 minutes
This week on F for Filmsack we tackle The Wa-chow-skis’ 2005 foreign film B for Bollocks.
Fine… it was V for Vendetta. A film, to the best of my understanding, about the letter V.
I mean not since that infamous episode of Sesame Street where Cookie Monster smoked a J and confused Ernie for a life sized Milano have I seen such overbaked ideas expressed on screen.
“Oh Sweet hairy topped cookie…nom nom nom” – Cookie Monster
“Hey Bert. A little help…*snicker*” – Ernie
Yep just a Big Ole Bag of Bollocks.
I now yield my remaining time to Randy.
YeeeHaw and all that stuff y’all…and now it is time for some Theme Song Fact Checking,
I’ll try to read these lines with my fact checking voice…but I may break into song…no promises.
Alright, here we go….
“Just the good ol’ boys…”
Unproven….what we DO HAVE IS: a “Smartass” and a “Jackass” in an orange Dodge Charger
“Never meanin’ no harm…”
Hmmm…Let’s see…more attempted cop killings than an Ice-T ditty. However, since you qualified it with a “never meanin…” I guess it’s NOT technically NOT true. sooo…
“Beats all you never saw…”
What?! No..What?! NEXT
“Been in trouble with the law…”
“Since the day they was born…”
I got to tell you, this whole story seems improbable…I don’t think we need to inspect the 2nd verse..
Hey, Somebody get me the lyrics to the A-Team…I got some work to do.
Æon Flux (2005)
PG-13 | | Action, Sci-Fi | 2 December 2005 (USA)
[These are the show notes I use while recording the Filmsack podcast with Scott Johnson, Randy Jordan and Brian Ibbott.]
Intro: Hey Monkey Hand Feet (Casandra)…why don’t you be my Tripwire Canary and run through this organic minefield of crazy dystopian weaponry, so I don’t get hurt. spider walk! spider walk! spider walk!
Twitter: AEon Flux (2005) – Like male pattern baldness 400 years in the future. Sorry Daryl, still no cure! But we do have monkey hand feet! monkey hand feet! –@thebriandunaway
grody….flys puke when they land…puked right in the eye.
2011 is gonna suck!
That look when you pass someone on the street….and they are too close.
Goodchild is da boss.
Girl…you got a panty on your head.
Oh…remember slow mo walks down steps.
What are these…rainbow ninjas!!
Nature is pissssssed
I wonder who the rebels are…could they be the goth looking people
Grossest way to exchange data capsules ever.
and now I am playing Assasin’s Creed.
Eon! That is how you say it.
Walking and astral projecting! Sounds risky.
Oh…technology of the future proves that photos will one day be holograms encapsulated in amber.
Clothes of the future are stupid looking.
Ninja Gymnist Assassin
The pool of tears…that ring is crying
She is disrupting the monitoring!
Why is there a fruit pool?
This Kitchen seems very Asian.
Shot in the face!!
She wasn’t a Monican…she was a Dominican.
The one thing they get right…insensible sleep wear
Why would your ear phone implant glow…you wouldn’t be able to see it…
hehe…penetrate his security
Hey lady…you got some kind of pollen coming out your mouth
Monkey hand feet!
I should replace my feet with other body parts.
This garden is organically armed to the teeth.
Things that work in animation do not always work in movies. Like this whole movie
AEon was very thin and alien looking in the animated series. It made sense for her character to slither along like a scorpion. Here…not so much
Good thing AEon has her monkey hand feet friend to find all the booby traps first
The room of red chairs. I make all my decisions here.
A leader named Trevor…it has to be the future.
That has to be the worst arm scar map ever.
Just let me switch my eye ball into ….scary as f*ck mode…
Whistle controlled marbles to the rescue…We scrub so you don’t have to.
Seems like jumping over the portholes would be the most inefficient way of travel. I mean it looked cool..
Token black guy of the future. Was this 2005? C’mon!
Trevor tried to dope me…is dope still a word in 2500 whatever the hell it said.
Hey…it’s a chemical message…in a bottle…message in a bottle! BTDub
Aeon is always trying to take a man’s head off.
Nope…not interested. Would not go down the steps that opened up in the floor.
Geez Trevor…love yourself much? Look at all those paintings of yourself.
All this technology
This leather spider garter belt is very slimming…and now I’m somewhere else. So many dimensions…so little space
oww…gas pipes to the back…ouch. Earring gernade pin pull hurts like a mutha
I see there is still no cure for male pattern baldness in the future.
Water Tech has really come a long way.
Betrayed by monkey hand feet….that really hurts.
I think the casting director said…”looking for people with unique faces to play parts in movie about the future…”
The GoodChild Blimp.
The big jellyfish in the sky says I should be eating more fiber.
She is going to Cirque Du Soleil this GoodChild Blimp
Well this blimp is full of weirdness.
Milking this fruit
Why is the watcher in some kind cone of shame. Are they afraid he will like his butt and pull out the stiches.
All secrets are revealed…we are the Children of Men
This should be called the fingore movie
Hey..you are that guy who’s face is everywhere!
Everywhere you go there is some announcer lady telling you how things are going to go down.
Gross…ripped scab – band aid brand.
Garret. Trevor…it was all in the baby book for the 25th century.
The “Lost My Research” Trope.
Aeon Flux…breaking necks is what I do.
Oh my goodness Wilhelm Scream.
Something to fight for…Casandra.
What you doing? Are you gonna blow me up?
I’ve waited an hour and a half and I am tired.
You look like a pig in a blanket old man. Some kind of futuristic thermal foil pig in a blanket.
Death by blimp. It almost happened to me!
Thanks for the good times AEon Flux. Now go away.
R | 2h 1min | Drama, Fantasy, Horror | 18 February 2005 (USA)
Intro: Ok…Yeah…Hello, I’m a bad Keanu Reeves Impression…Woah…and I just crawled back from hell to drop some knowledge about my goody two-shoes doppleganger, the real Keanu Reeves… Excellent…Listen…The man is obsessed with chairs. Like the Red Chair in the Matrix with Morpheus and the pills and the talks. The Jack-In Chair in the Matrix. The Jack-in Chair in Johnny Mnemonic…You are welcome Ibbott…The “Al Pacino is the devil… and a Chair” on the promotional poster of Devil’s Advocate….and That one time on the subway when he gave away his chair. IN REAL LIFE!
If Keanu had a spirit animal it would be a chair. Woah…Excellent
Alright, got to go. Peter Stormare is making chicken and waffles tonight. Hell ya later!
Twitter: Constantine (2005) –
Like a throat punch from Keanu Reeves to get rid of your neck demons. Woah…Excellent…
Where you going DC!
Durn all the distributor companies just burned in hell
Spear of Destiny
Stuff goes missing during WWII…cause Hitler was always stealing stuff and hiding it…can he was a jerk face.
Dog is scavenger …like man…man dog scavenger.
Just gonna bury this hear Nazi flag with Jesus’ death spear
this flag matches…which kind of matches my track suit.
Breathing man…is breathing….and dirty…
Uh…your hombre done got smashed up. bad.
That tea pot has seen better days. Put it to the flame!!
Honey….I brought you tea…oh nevermind…I see you done had enough stimulation today.
Bottom shot…top shot. long top shot. (worm, bird, higher bird)
So much amazing imagery
Hey, did somebody call a smoking priest?
Time for some exorcism
Ahhh…that’s the key….what..you don’t like that?
Who stands on a bed asshole.
My feet do that sometimes…when the cat attacks them.
Constantine throat punch! and I need a mirror…3 feet high…we got a hobbit demon!
Chad Crammer asshole…Shia Labouf ain’t so bad…right…
The best exorcisms happen on the 2nd floor…everybody knows that.
Don’t look asshole!
Maybe I should have been more specific…a mirror 3 feet high and only 2 feet wide.
Bowl Bowl Bowl…Cocktail Snacks! Bowl
I need me a single chain pull blind system…
It’s been like a long time since confession.
I killed a man today…
A lot of crosses in this movie
Isabelle has bad dreams.
Pretty sure you shouldn’t be coughing up blood.
love these shots.
Ha! Constantine thought he was being clever by not holding the door and saying something smart ass…not if I can help it.
Dead Cows! Cows be dropping like flies
I need you to get me a moo cup…
Screech Beetle…let’s shake his box up.
Don’t waste the Dragon’s Breath!
Skinny fellow with the fat friend
I got wangs!
What you think about my surfer hair! Dude looks like a lady!
You can’t earn your way into heaven….
You are going to hell for the lives that you took? who he take?
I got the power to rub newspapers…look at my black hands. Does that work with internet sites now?
Quicktime player…who uses that.
That is one convenient security camera…with audio…
The supernatural love using the phone…they don’t know how they work…but they love using them…Hello? who is this….asshole….
Damn billboards and their double meanings.
Swarm demon got wasted…
Papa Midnight is a legend.
Kid…if you say Jon on one more time…I am gonna kill ya.
These angels are androgynous
No no…things are balanced!
Dude…that is gross…finger licking good indeed.
Taking it out on the spider. A little smoke in a glass.
Legion or cult…
Nobody believes nobody! in this movie
Constantine is kind of a bitter dick. So..suck it…I’m releasing our spider smoke.
“What if I told you….” speech.
I got my feet pot…gonna stick my shoes in it…
Do you ever get that burning feeling when you look deep into a cat’s eyes.
Demon soldiers gots no skull tops.
Hell looks a lot like a Megadeth Album Cover.
Priest with a flasher overcoat is the best priest
Dodson…we got Dodson here.
Do you know how many dead people are in that morgue. All of them.
2 minutes in hell is a lifetime.
That dead guy was my friend. He left a symbol in his hand.
The Bible in Hell.
The devil had a son too…cause he is the devil…and he likes to do it.
Fly eye! Brundlefly in my eye.
Meanwhile in Mehico…A white guy is carjacked by a demon
A lot of shots of no head tops.
are those Cthulhu tats?
It’s like a baptism that goes horribly wrong.
Wait wait wait…you didn’t say nothing about no drowning!!
She be coming out of the tub…..
What’s in those jars? Was he collecting his own body fluids?
Increase in paranormal activity.
Trope…stay in the car…wear this…nope!
Fire!…I was born of this.
Grandstanding in the demon’s office…
Come on Neo…fly after her.
Reeves is always looking for a chair…Johnny Mnemonic had the brain chair…Matrix had the Matrix chair…Constantine has the Midnight electric chair.
I see you stalking me in your astral body…I choke you!
I need me a big ole Van Helsing Style Monster fighting gun.
I sure hope they don’t kill my apprentice.
Men In Black/ Ghostbusters moment. Get back to your appropriate locations. You are not suppose to be here.
Squeeel like a demon pig.
They always trying to drown her.
You do not want to be the lady who hatches the son of the devil from her giggly belly.
Something to fight for! You done killed my Apprentice.
Time for me to use my Neo powers!
Gabriel is wearing medical bracelets like a fashion statement. Along with white chaps.
Got to be a better way than slitting your wrists
He is the Devil!! Not a Russian Cosmonaut
What do ya want….exteeeeension…
How did the devil forget about the sacrifice…
Suck it devil.
Noooo….looks like there is more work to do here on earth…plus…cancer free.
What did I learn? nothing.
Hide it…like in a Nazi Flag in Mexico…no wait….somewhere better.