Tales From The Darkside: The Movie (1990)

Intro:

Mmmm….me here today cause Cookie Monster trapped by suburban Witch? Notice cookies on floor of cage look more ‘crushed’ than ”e’ate’…look like furry blue Muppet with no functioning esophagus went to tooowwn. Me like Mick Jagger, can’t get no… can’t get no satisfaction.

Back off! Cookie Monster no taste good. How about me read you story instead. Once upon time. 4 guys sacked movie…NO! NO EAT COOKIE MONSTER! COOKIE MONSTER EAT YOU….nom nom nom…tastes like dirty heroin.

 

Links:

IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0100740/

Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tales_from_the_Darkside%3A_The_Movie

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9lVoUKk-8Y

Clips: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLZbXA4lyCtqpWLnwZdmk8LZpSsDxS3Xo7

 

Twitter:

Tales From The Darkside (1990) – Like a mouthful of Buscemi Teeth. Hard to look at even harder to look away. Open your eyes.

Show Notes:

In order of appearance: Really? Blondie looks like a boy on a bike. ohhh…that kid get’s no credit!

What’cha got in the bag Blondie? Flowers!

Something is in the cupboard!

No Blondie…I throw the best parties!

ooooh. It’s the book of the same name of the movie we are watching!

Mmmm…cookie crumbs….Do you trap Cookie Monster? cause them cookies look more ‘crushed’ than ‘ate’…like a furry blue Muppet

Eeek! It’s a Joey Lawrence? No…Matthew

Ahh…so Debbie is a modern day witch…good show old boy. Classic Fairy Tale with a twist. Witch in the Suburbs

Settle down Debbie…let me tell you a story.

 

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talesfromthedarkside_1

 

 

Firefox (1982)

INTRO:

Oh Hi, This week’s film may hit a little too close to home. What with us on the verge of Cold War II but I’ll try to get through this with little to no seizures or joy…

Speaking of getting hit. What does it take to get punched in this movie?

Take Eastwood’s cigar. Death by face beating.

Play pocket pool while fondling Eastwood’s papers….Face punching to the death.

Russian pilot flipping on a light switch. That’s a face beating with a side of “hold the death.”

“Your papers are not in order.”

LINKS:

IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083943

WIKI: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Firefox_(film)

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0S7uE7l_oA

Video Game: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Firefox_(video_game)

TWITTER:

Firefox (1982) – Like acting & directing your own 21 Million dollar project & blowing the entire budget on “not so special” effects & bad borscht

SHOW NOTES:

Simple title card. Firefox…left…serif

all the material that was ever made for gray sweatpants was made in 1975 or should I say it was discovered in some cave in South America.

Sweatpant Suit…only accessory…white towel…shoved into collar

Suddenly a Hairy (Harry) Eastwood appears

Trope: The ole reclusive military/special/govt agent who has removed himself from battle is located by army helicopter.

Alaska

Them running shoes is loud. Like somebody on a sound stage

Run forrest! Run! Through the Forrest.

Blow up the bridge!

Are those refuel rods in the front of those copters? They always make me think of some kind of insect sucker.

Time for some Napalm flashbacks!

Fire…fire..

His memories are grainy at best.

He was pretty old for a pilot in Nam right?

So his entire flashback was the time he got shot down and almost carried away and almost killed that poor kid…or did they napalm their rescue?

His POW Files. He was carried across a river in a bamboo cage.

Know what is a bad idea? Surprising a dude who is having flashbacks.

What a couple of pilot jerks…let up your shades

Firefox-pilots

Now we will have a British guy explain what is going on.

A Mach (mack) 5

at 0400 hours on Thursday…

wait…it’s an invisible jet with weapons driven by the mind.

We need you major…to come back

POW…Mother is Russia(n)…and fits the suit and has seizures (freezes up)

We got 3 months to train you.

Fly a plane like the devil himself.

“You are stupid Buckles.”

You will be flying the most advanced war-craft in existence…as soon as you steal it.

“Look at that face. He has 5 pounds of heroin in it?”

Desperate times call for desperate plans.

London baby!

Your Suite Will Be Bugged. You are transporting heroin.

KGB is slow to awaken…but if you wake it up…bam!

Fake mustache grooming is the only grooming i do.

Here you go American Bond…this is your radio…don’t lose it…You afraid of being captured? Here…let me tell you a story of despair and desperation.

Gee…I wonder if the black box will come into play…since we just blew it off…then made it super important.

Nice glasses…did you beat up an old lady for those?

That was tense! They even took his radio apart! Wonder if he has a face full of Heroin.

Moscow Hotel…the only hotel in Moscow. Mockba Hotel…You don’t stay at Moscow Hotel. Moscow Hotel stays at you.

Loudest watch in all of Russia

There is always a Dmitri and Victor in Russia.

This guy has a big forehead

Russians do like their street cleaning machines….at least according to movies from the 80s based on the subject.

Back alley cat in Russia is back alley cat in Russia

Trope: Silly couple walking in the dark. They are always interrupting my Cloak and Daggers.

I didn’t realize vaping was so popular during the 80s

“Never smoke another man’s cigar….get beat with a stick.

A quick sprint and wardrobe change later…and you are staying at the Waldorf

No…No…I got the squirts. No…

“Your Papers are not in order.”

Also, don’t touch Eastwood’s Papers….or get beat with a stick.

Nocturnal Sight Seeing Of Our City

They got KGB for everyone!

“Do you know how to use this? Good…don ‘t use it.”

The KGB is mighty polite

Moscow is curious.

Don’t insult me with your words! Now get out!

Apparently, you can’t beat it out of him. Unless you mean the life. “I didn’t kill him…you pressed me!” Maybe he is dead

That computer was pretty quick on the photo comparison.

We are going to use fire to destroy the Firefox.

Things have gone wrong. So our plan has changed from steal the Firefox to steal the backup Firefox.

“Big ears” are listening

ha! You must think in Russian!

Walk like an American! Talk like an American! Think like a Russian.

Don’t touch Eastwood’s light switch….that’s a beating and slapping….ahhh helll..just a beating

Where did I see him?

Trope: Search parameters. Search every obscure location.

I completed the work 2 hours ago…I’ve just been stalling (Stalin)

Who me? In the pilot suit? nothing.

He’s not going to make it…he made it

Perfect timing…not only did you lose the top secret jet. Your have a high level audience.

Dying in a hanger next to your dead wife…gets to see the American save the day

Dying on a hillside….gets to see the American save the day.

Supposed to be saving fuel…decides to “open it up”

Glad they established the “Black Box” to explain why he is explaining everything while flying…cause he can’t talk to ground control.

Contact Mother 1.

This is his second time seeing “what this baby can do.”

He tired them rockets out. They were like…nope…quiting.

CCCP orange is the new Russian

He’s coming in an awful hurry. He must really know what he is doing…OR HE’S A MORON!

Commence operation “Harmless”

The Russian’s are falling apart. Press Secretary PR nightmare is interfering

Orange balloons! Who’s having the party?

Cliffy…can you steam me a runway?

What you doing? I can’t talk to them. I’m out taking temperature readings or something.

Wave Stewart…Duh…Waaaave

You must think in Russian. Use the force Clint.

FireFox Russian Prime sooked.

A Russian Screaming aaaand roll credits.

Let’s see what these credits can do.

Music was weird

 

 

 

 

 

 

Around The World In 80 Days (2004) : Filmsack – Notes

Around The World In 80 Days (2004)

Intro:

As you guys know…I have a wife for everyday of the week.  But good news! I’ve decided to divorce Tuesday wife for more sacking! Viva La Filmsack. Now if you will excuse me. I have to go urinate in public and re-attach this mans nipples. Don’t worry. I’m going to wash my hands before and after each…because otherwise that would be gross. Lord Salisbury stop pointing at my thinker!

Links:

IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0327437

WIKIPEDIA: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Around_the_World_in_80_Days_(2004_film)

YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlsgwJUNFNU

JUSTWATCH: https://www.justwatch.com/us/movie/around-the-world-in-80-days

Twitter:

Around The World In 80 Days (2004) – Like taking a “Steamer” to London captained by a man with no nipples. Wear the rubber underpants!

Notes:

That China-Man is robbing the bank of England.

The Steam Punk Conehead

Wear the rubber pants

Trope: Agree to a dangerous job to avoid apprehension / Oh you must be the Servant from Servant Co that I was expecting.

Crazy backyard scientist….

Flubber and movies of this like use Steam powered science that is more akin to bubbly soda

Nothing funnier than the ole face punch through a painting where the painting face should be.

I don’t think they know what a Valet is. or perhaps I do not

Ramsey invented the slinky in the late 1800s and was put in the lunatic asylum.

Impregnable vs impenetrable.

As adjectives the difference between impenetrable and impregnable is that impenetrable is not penetrable while impregnable is too strong to be penetrated or impregnable can be capable of being impregnated.

Lord Salisbury

A woman in the Royal Academy!

The Jade Buddha

Little Red Rule Book

I got to admit…I laughed at Passport Two…passepartout

Turns on with a whistle.

Was 50 miles per hour ever really a barrier?

The whisper game

Elderly Norwegians with very tiny feet

Fortnight (2 weeks)

These British have the best teeth of any British I have seen in the late 1800s

Challenge extended. Challenge accepted.

Everyone has a price…or do they.

The wager…no more science…or all the science. Royal Academy of Science head…sounds like a lot of work.

Sitting in my copper tub….thinking about my poor choices.

Keep getting this movie confused with Shanghai Knights

Nothing funnier than seeing an authoritarian figure being drug down the road by a horse/car

Me Brain’s Leaking!

Trope: Asian lady who is good with knives

Ahh…the early years of 3d animation. Nice twist on the map travel interstitials or transitions though

Wait a moment! This is not science…it is art.

Grass is not charcoal.

Man is not a chicken….The Van Gogh loop was very popular in France during the late 1800s

You dream of flying and naked men?

Women are getting pushed out everywhere.

Old French ladies are always trying to take a bite out of Jackie Chan

Old French lady taking a face plant made me laugh.

Brothel humor makes me laugh. No it does not.

Ahh…Jackie Chan…saving sleeping ladies from their own incompetence

The statue is grabbing his trousers! It also has dreams of flying and naked men.

Jackie Chan getting pants is always good humor.

Jackie Chan is the bumbling fool that has skills…the police man is just bumbling

Fogg is smitten with fancy hoes.

A wild Arnold appears.

What a weird choice for Istanbul prince?

I never think when I am naked…

Arnold does not like you pointing at his thinker.

Bathing suits are weird.

A wife for each day of the week. But what if I want to be single on Tuesdays!

They are taking the idea of Fat Cats to the highest degree.

Lord Kelvin is cold.

Cross Dressing is always funny …especially when trying to escape in a crowd. except that it is not and always ends with the hunter being smitten with the prey until they realize…and the pursuit continues

Man of many chains…you do not want to go against…the man of many chains

Sake and Dominos

Perhaps one of the most violent Disney movies since Flubber

Drunk China-man..

kanpai! is that also a Chinese cheer? or just Japanese.

Chinese: Nien Nien nu e. Kong Chien
Chinese: Yung sing (“drink and win”)
Chinese Cantonese: Gom bui (“dry the cup”)
Chinese Mandarin: Gan bei (“dry the cup”)

I went back…she is saying Gom Bui…possibly Gan bei.

Chan, surveying the pre-show chaos, periodically contributed comments in a mishmash of English, Mandarin, and Cantonese, the language of his native Hong Kong. “I’ve forgotten how to speak Cantonese!” he said. In Beijing, where he lives now, Mandarin is spoken. He leaned over to a young Chinese-American visitor nearby.

That is one convenient story-telling dresser..it has pictures and letters and everything to easily explain everything for Fogg…who is an idiot.

Fogg…the last to know.

Screaming China-Man….”Please let me go. I am bored!”

Ding Ding Ding….no no…Ding Dang Dong…Passpourtout

Mr. Grumpy and the leatherettes

Your silly bracelet.

French ladies like to spit.

This is some good fighting.

Jackie Chan has his ass stuck in a cart. Go home to momma.

10 Tigers!

Chair and Ladder assists are always in Jackie Chan fighting.

I really admire the Chinese people. They always seem to put a lot of work in…that’s why I hate to see someone get thrown into a pile of collected work…like when I a Chinese citizen sorts all those skittles by color just to have a bad guy get tossed into it. ugh.

Public Urinater got to do what a public urinater got to do. I think I got some pee pee on me.

an hour and 20 minutes in and act 2 is over…time for act 3

Does this wall ever end? It’s like some kind of great wall. Perhaps you will run into Matt Damon. I wish a I had a valet

I’m such a Rutabaga.

Drug broker.

Alms…for the poor?

A wild Rob Schneider appears…and smells like a dead horse.

I’ll cut you with my wooden spoon! You devil worshipping drawer.

Got to be a record for Cameos in a Filmsack movie.

Where are the Flying Men! The bird men are coming.

A man who lives what he dreams

So did Disney just have a few actors on payroll they needed to use?

haha….was sad when I realized this was not Shanghi Knights…then happy again when Cowboy Owen Wilson showed up…then sad again when Luke Wilson appeared.

Crazy English Wanna Be Cowboy Man….get out the way.

America loves a good wager

Taking a “Steamer” to London.

That was one epic battle.

She is the 11th Tiger and Finally…a lady punches a lady out.

Formula…The Threesome. Man/Woman romance and Third Wheel who has a seperate agenda but is friends with both man and woman.

How many filmsack films have The Statue of Liberty in them?

Did we do Ghostbusters 2?

Captain no nips hasn’t gotten any since the shark attack

Most people would laugh at you. not us. We care about you

Birds is the idea…burn birds.

New nipples for a boat. You had me at the nipples

Those poor sailors…stuck at sea with a captain with no nipples.

As most American Technology of the late 1800s…powered by a china-man

It’s a slinky…fun for Lord Kelvin

Look out for darts in the back

Street people are afraid of bird people….

We didn’t go to New Zealand

I’m a battered Lord

Big fat royal bottom!

She’s behind me isn’t she.

In another timeline…the queen of England hobbles James Caan…and in another she takes a sit in a hot tub with Jack Nicholson.

I am not even going to try to figure out timezones.

 

Thinner (1996) : Filmsack – Notes

Thinner (1996)

Intro:

Oh hey!

When I heard we were doing another Stephen King movie for Filmsack I got pretty excited!

Needless to say I was in a hurry to get home Friday.

So  I stopped by 7-Eleven and picked up some Chicken tenders and grabbed a couple of scratchers.

Then on the way out the door I pulled out a quarter and started scratching!

That’s when I  accidentally bumped into an old Gypsy woman.

She said  for a quarter she could tell me my fortune and pull up her skirt.

I said “I’ll take the fortune grandma, but I’m not interested in seeing your man cave.”

So she snatched my quarter and grabbed me by my skroat & whispered

…”Winner Winner, Chicken Thinner.” …

I was all like! “Holy crap! How did you know that?”

She leaned in real close and whispered “I follow you on twitter white man from internet.”

Turns out she was just a bag lady with broadband.

Links:

IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117894/

WIKIPEDIA: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thinner_(film)

YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UC5RtQL6clc

JUSTWATCH: https://www.justwatch.com/us/movie/thinner

Twitter:

Thinner (1996) – Like Stephen King poking your mook eyes out & shoving a chicken down down your gullet. Hey is that Reddi-Whip?

Notes:

I feel fat

old cars and Stephen King

caravan of gypsy

I would take Maxx Doogenfield out

tappy tappy court reporter…

Now that she has gone through the change…everything is bea-au-tiful

Eating spaghetti on a boat! Then a bag of chips on the way back to the office..then a jog up the stairs.

Gypsy Fair!

Didn’t your prick ever escape the 6th grade…

A quarter to pull up Kari Whur skirt

The judge thinks Kari Whur is going to give the football team the clap.

Fat guy skinny wife

Digging my grave with a spoon and fork.

Stephen King looks like a pharmacist.

Every time a fat man gets a blow job a gypsy dies.

This Stephen King cameo is more than just a cameo…he’s starring in the damn movie.

The skid marks of Billy were analyzed…it would appear the poop stains were on point.

Sir…thinner…

Billy I don’t think Richard Simmons gives a shit about your call.

See your balls without looking at a mirror.

That old gyp.

What did the gypsy say when he touched the judge… “gross spot”

Every kid loves to hear their dad masticate.

Lynda turned into little orphan annie

Dr. Mikey is a moron.

lizard! evolution in reverse!

you and your family shouldn’t be driving.

What curse did the sheriff get?

Hey Biff…do you take Travelers Checks.

How hard is it to find traveling Gypsys

Those gypsies are all in…made dolls and everything.

What kind of gypsy slingshot is that anyways.

that scene was getting weird…makes sense it was a dream.

Drove his Lincoln into a gas truck. He always wanted to be cremated.

You ever lose weight quickly…that skin be hanging.

She called you “White man from town.” That the best you got?

Why wasn’t you watching…white man from town.

Are Gypsies not white man?

Gypsy Justice

ouch…that is some pretty bad body gore.

What kind of pills does that “almost” doctor have.

Ok..Frank Spurton…you seem like a smart man

The ole…pluck your eyes out and stuff a chicken in your mouth…

He was my mook

Gypsies be packing heat. But can’t drive for shit

The ole…tape up your mouth and pretend like you are the bad guy.

Special agent Stoner.

Gypsy Whurer is an easy mark.

“Acid Bitch”…j/k Soda pop and Baking soda.

How can you smell anything with that thing on your nose.

That is not a good pie…I do not want that pie.

I would instantly offer the curse pie to the old gyp.

Die Clean…White man from town.

Bubbly Blood Pie…Bubbly bubbly

grote…don’t kiss her…

Dumbass…you killed your daughter

Mmmm…deadberry pie

mmm…breakfast pie…White doctor from town…

Commital inabsentia

Like weighing yourself with a box of nilla wafers

Filmsack : The Wraith (1986) – Notes

 

Screenshot 2017-03-24 20.39.57

INTRO:

 

Oh hi! Listen, You lose the intro. You lose your car!

 

What you driving these days Randy?  A 1976 pacer? Whatever Garth..

 

Scott? What you drive a 78 ford pinto? Met any overly aggressive dogs lately?

 

Ibbott? Wanna race that 1970 Gremlin from high school? Does it still have Prick on the side of it?

 

Oh man…this intro turned out to be a lot like a Reconstituted Charlie Sheen made out of stars…it’s the closest I could get to an actually star for my intro…kind of like this movie.

 

This intro was assisted by imcdb.org

 

 

LINKS:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hC1DRl26Guo

 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092240/

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Wraith

 

 

 

TWITTER:

 

The Wraith (1986) – Like leaving the theater clean as if you came out of a hot tub. Which ain’t clean. Now get me to town and box him me up.

 

SHOW NOTES:

 

Reconstituted Star Sheen

 

Stars and cactus

 

That star has a mind of it’s own!

 

And the following star!

 

Burnt the sign…suck it.

 

Wait…there are 4 stars that make a car!

 

Did Chrysler sponsor this movie?

 

Music from 86

 

Who are those guys! Who come out of nowhere and take up both lanes!

 

My friend had one of those Dodges

 

Get back in the car…Did your grandma quilt you that jacket?

 

what are you tweaking on tweaker?

 

Ohh…we gonna race for pinks?

 

Punk rock has some tongue.

 

Clint Howard is a freak

 

You lose the race…you lose your car.

 

Worse race girl ever.

 

Ozzy music to race by!!

 

Hey! He brought a helmet! That aint’ fair.

 

Rubbings racing cole

 

oh…too much rubbing

 

I hate people who whistle and point like that.

 

She’s all ours…nice and legal…

 

That ain’t racing…that’s trying to kill someone.

 

Road pirates got to cheat to win…George says it ain’t fair! Now he ain’t got no Dakota to drive his girl home with.

 

That sure is a humpy road…Sheen up…sheen down…sheen up…sheen down.

 

Oh…nice rice burner…Honda XR?

 

I wear jean jackets and no shirt and necklace.

 

Some dude drives up on your street on a bike and you hop on…it’s cool yo.

 

Shell necklaces make you look cool.

 

You know you can get killed riding on the back of bikes Kerry,

 

From the house straight to the rocks.

 

Tanning on the rocks…bunch of lizards

 

Where you get them scars man?

 

You ever needs burger…just give me a call…what a loser

 

Freak of Nature…a genetic misfire.

 

Good thing I am wearing dark glasses.

 

Are you looking at me? Are you looking at me? no…you looking at my girl.

 

Eeek…tidy whiteys…beigies

 

You asshole..I got your blood on my face!

 

How many things have you killed with your car.

 

Dem girls aint’ got no clothes on.

 

Lot of Duck Butter out at the lake today.

 

Looks like a dork to me..

 

we do things my way Kank…

 

Did they just happen to have matching floats? Float rentals?

 

Big Kay’s Burgers

 

What were you doing down the creek? Nothing

 

Has anyone seen Big Kay? No? Cause she died from heart disease

 

Did we still roller skate food to cars in the 80s?

 

The way to beat the bad guys…drive such a shitty car that no one would want to race you.

 

“Hold your horses guy.” Billy you so stupid

 

Cut off shirt with London fog jacket…where did he steal that doo rag?

 

What’s this Tramp worth?

 

Why is Duck Butter’s friend always so dirty.

 

Faggot!! You don’t get that no more.

 

You lose the race…you lose your car… Revving engine means..I understand.

 

Oh snap…you didn’t see that coming…you dead

 

Man…those Dakota’s are made out of Jet Fuel

 

Local kid? Used to be?

 

Randy Quad!

 

Brain Eradicator.

 

Clean as if he came out of a hot tub. Now get him into town and box him up.

 

If you are planning on a vacation…forget it…cause…those kids look like they take vacations

 

One kid down…one token disappears from my armor

 

Oggie is no loss…hehe

 

All bad guys had switchblades back in the day.

 

I be you gonna feel that later…ya weirdo.

 

Who keeps a Wall Street Journal in his pants. And a bankers visor.

 

Put that Kidney buster down.

 

So that’s what them scoot arounds are for…scotting when someone shoots your shit up

 

noooo…don’t shoot my engine!! not my engine!!

 

“Skank you pussy….”

 

Whoever he was he was weird and pissed off.

 

Gutter Boy

 

I smell french fries skank..

 

I can’t remember dog sqeeze.

 

Unless you like Maurice better….

 

Skank will drink anything…including hydrolic fluid

 

the report….we stopped to get some goobers.

 

He’s got a ghost engine

 

Another one bites the dust.

 

Cop cars are no match!

 

Get the dork!

 

Is that why they call it riding shotgun…cause you got to load the shot gun?

 

Guns have a special power over cars in this movie.

 

You can shoot the steering out

 

Too bad about your cuda

 

WD-40 up the nose

 

is he crying…Pack is weird

 

Packard has a tombstone with his name on it…and it took him like 10 minutes to see it

 

I’m not going anywhere Guy… Packard likes to call people Guy.

 

I dreamed the man in the moon was laughing at me.

 

I’m a 4 day virgin

 

Clint got a real bad feeling

 

Drifters..maybe smugglers.

 

Somewhere no one will never find us…West..

 

Everytime…Wraith takes off and cops locate the race.

 

Cowboy boot to the metal

 

Theme gangs combined into single characters

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 Fast 2 Furious (2003) Show Notes

 

2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

PG-13 | | Action, Crime, Thriller | 6 June 2003 (USA)

 

4 Stars (4 / 5)

 

 

 

 

[These are the show notes I use while recording the Filmsack podcast with Scott Johnson, Randy Jordan and Brian Ibbott.]

Listen here: filmsack.com | Discuss here : reddit.com/r/filmsack

"Alright then, I guess you guys are just going to make out like a couple of horny Replicants right in front of my lonely single existence. Soooo I'm just going to go make some breakfast with Mini Kaiser and Napoleon Bear. Say, how do you guys like your eggs? Over crazy? How about boiled in a beaker?  Mmmm...sciency....NAPOLEON BEAR..NO..STOP  TOUCHING YOURSELF THERE...BAD BEAR...Coo Coo....Cooo Coo"

IMDB

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083658

 

Wikipedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blade_Runner

 

YouTube Clips

Twitter: Blade Runner (1982) - You were made as well as we could make you.

 

Review

 

Two Versions/One Thought: Theatrical Release & Final Cut.

 

Blade Runner (Theatrical Release/Netflix)

 

An 80s homage to the Film Noir Detective stories from the 40s and starring, one of my favorite action stars from any era, Harrison Ford. A slow, sometimes uncomfortable, SciFi "thrill" ride from Ridley Scott loosely based on the Phillip K Dick story "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep."

 

My first experience with Blade Runner was as bite sized chunks that I would catch while channel flipping TV on Saturday afternoons. My memories of this movie were mostly of the part with the half naked lady in the transparent rain coat getting blasted. Cause, half naked lady was half naked.

 

When I was in college I revisited Blade Runner on video tape and consumed the whole thing in one sitting. I remember the movie being a 3 hour epic with confusing themes and weird dialogue.

 

Fast forward 20 something years, I'm a lot older and a lot more sophisticated; I drink coffee and have adult conversations. I watch Blade Runner on Netflix and/or Blu-ray and can choose from 3 versions of the film. So I picked 2.

 

To my surprise the movie was just under 2 hours in length for all versions; Not the epic I had remembered. In the theatrical version I discovered the confusing themes were due to some poorly added voice over dialogue that muddled any vision Ridley Scott may have envisioned. In all versions, the weird dialogue was still weird but it was mostly contained to just the Replicants. Which could be explained away by saying the Replicants weren't quite human and to boot they are off worlders who have seen a lot of crap and could have a skewed perspective due those experiences. After all, these Replicants are seeking to question their makers.

 

Overall, this is a visually beautiful film in all of it's versions. It has managed to hold up to visual scrutiny 30+ years after it's creation. That is an amazing feat!

 

My final call, Blade Runner is and always has been a slow ride with beautiful visuals, some weird dialogue and keeps you wonder "what's your point Ridley Scott?"

 

Blade Runner (Final Cut/Blu-Ray)

 

Mostly the same with 100% less voice over narration by Harrison Ford and 30% more eye squashing by Rutger Hauer. You wouldn't think those 2 elements could make or break a movie. But it does.

 

The Final Cut version did not include the "Then she walked into my life ..." narration, which was a common theme found in some of the most memorable films from 40s detective noir era. In this case, the theme only serves to remove all the mystery from the characters and in the end makes for a much different and less interesting film.

 

This is the version you should watch!

 

 

Show Notes:

 

One moment please while I render this company's tree logo on my green monochrome screen from 1982. Blzzz...Blzzz...Blzzz...would you also like me to print you out a hard copy on my Okidata Dot Matrix printer? Sir Run Run indeed.

 

Loving the music thus far.

 

Vangelis!

 

Time to read the movie!

 

Not execution but called retirement. Remember that word. Retirement...it seems important. also, the word Replicant is in red. As in the blood letting. As in sacrifice. As in Lamb....as in I'm just implying Christ.

 

LA, November 2019

 

This place be burning some fossil fuels.

 

The Eye.

 

The Pyramid building

 

Ceiling fans, smoking, intense lighting...Yep...we got some Noir

 

I already had an IQ test this year...

 

SciFi face your creation across from a table.

 

Leon is a jerk...why would he flip a tortoise over onto it's back in the desert.

 

Hey...Leon shot first.

 

Off World

 

Koss Headphones...They still exist in 2019

 

So are we in China Town? or is LA now China Town? Or is this Japanese Town? Did we know the difference in 1982?

 

News papers in 2019

 

Voice Over! This is not only SciFi Film Noir..it's SciFi Detective Voice Over Noir!

 

You BraydRunna

 

Police 995

 

I love gritty scifi tech.

 

Giant Japanese Lady Face selling me shit on the side of a building.

 

Flying cars...this movie is 72 percent flying cars.

 

It's always hot in Film Noir...so much sweating, smoking and fans.

 

Skin-jobs...

 

In case you didn't understand the discrimination against Replicants...the word skin-job is offensive as the N word...cause Replicants are slaves.

 

I was quit when I came in here...and I'm twice as quit now.

 

Edward J. Almos just made an origami chicken...what is he saying...Deckard is a chicken?

 

The screening room.

 

Son. You got a panty on your head.

 

Roy Batty! He's cray cray...

 

Zhora...Off world kick-murder squad...what the hell is that!

 

A Pleasure model

 

Setup...emotional response is coming.

 

A 4 year lifespan. Nature will fine a way.

 

Why is Almos wearing a world war 2 flying ace helmet..always.

 

Hey!! you can see the sun from up here in my pyramid.

 

There is your 40s looking dame.

 

Deckard has a very black and white view on Replicants at this point.

 

What kind of glasses are those? Quad-Focals? If you were looking for a fashion statement you failed.

 

This movie is very much about the eyes...So far no one has glasses except for Tyrell...and he has some crazy ass glasses.

 

Cat-Skin wallet!! Don't mind if I do

 

She's a stone cold Replicant.

 

So...boiled dog....that's the last question...that's the deal breaker?

 

"How can it not know what it is..." There is a hint.

 

More human than to human.

 

That tub is nasty!

 

Almos is always creating little totems.

 

Atari! in 2019...sure...why not

 

Rutger!!

 

So sweaty

 

Men...Police....Men.

 

Hey..where are you kids heading to on your bikes? Are you in a gang?

 

Hey!! It's our favorite...James Hong! Huh!

 

Don't pull on my durn tubes!!

 

You not come here...Illegal.

 

William Blake sorta quote.

 

I do eyes...just eyes.

 

Look at those cat whiskers James Hong

 

Why is Brion James putting eyes all over me...literally.

 

Did they kill Hong? Is that implied?

 

I'll tell you about my mother...she was gun...pew pew pew.

 

Future cars are all Pacers. Well the non flying kind anyway.

 

Deckard 97!

 

Voice controlled stuff is common in 2019

 

I notice there are no cell phones in the future..from 82

 

Memories and photos are important. They are what make us human?

 

...and a 100 baby spiders came out...and ate her..

 

Art - requires Intention and Interpretation.

 

Misdirection is important in creating a compelling story.

 

Just gonna cover myself up with some trash.

 

She's like every cat I have surprised.

 

Where are your brothers Daryl and Daryl?

 

Daryl Hannah's haircut is the scariest thing in this movie

 

"Plenty of room for everybody..."

 

I was wrong...JF's Kaiser and Napoleon Bear are way more scary.

 

You sure got a lot of photos for someone who is not a Replicant.

 

Enhancing Leon's photo is like seeing a dude's penis in the reflection of an item you are buying on Ebay.

 

Not fish! Snake Scale...head on over to Alibaba Town.

 

Taffey Lewis...All the time pal...

 

Public VidPhon's are grody

 

You ain't gonna get no proper lady down in your

 

Miss Salome! Worst stripper name ever...wait...did they just imply that people don't have sex anymore and Miss Salome was using the snake in an immoral way?

 

I love Harrison Fords nerdy government man impression. Little dirty holes!

 

Most animals are not real. We done really screwed up the environment.

 

Kick Murder Squad implies that these lady Replicants use kicking followed by the murdering.

 

Eyes are always watching.

 

Good to see the Hari Krishnas as still around

 

Cross Now...Cross Now...Cross Now...Don't Walk...Don't Walk...

 

That is one serious pistol

 

Noooo....not my window display!

 

I remember this was the first scene I ever saw from Blade Runner. I was flipping channels and Harrison Ford was shooting some lady running through glass windows...

 

Move on. Move on. Move on.

 

Painful to live in fear.

 

Nothing is more painful than having an itch you can never scratch. I've stubbed my pinky toe on the edge of a coffee table before...that is much worse.

 

Deckard is often comparing himself to Replicants. Misdirection to keep you wonder if he is a replicant...but really it's to make you ask...how similar are we really without beating you over the head with it.

 

Deckard...you ever take that test yourself?

 

Nope...passed out drunk.

 

Ahhh yeah...take down that hair you up tight Replicant!

 

Deckard dreams music...and unicorns.

 

That reach back when she walks away from Deckard..that is an awesome shot.

 

So passionate...do they show passion like this in movies anymore...or is it too close to abuse now? Is he going to punch her...or kiss her.

 

Japanese Richola Commericial

 

You look like an inverted skunk...and now the implied cray cray coo-coo clock.

 

What type of mouth gear does JF have on his Napoleon? Why does it have the shakes. JF...your Napoleon is begging you to kill it with it's eyes. Gurgle Gurlge...kill me please.

 

Daryl is 25! It's glandular

 

JF lives in a house of crazy

 

I like to boil eggs in a beaker...hope you like your eggs scienced!

 

Wow...that was offensive Rutger..."we so glad you found us"

 

I am in a serious state of decrepitude myself

 

Time to meet the creator.

 

Setting up the rules for why Replicants only live 4 years.

 

You were made as well as we could make you.

 

Rutger Howard will make out with anything! Kiss of death.

 

Excuse me while I crush your skull. Ohh...there was much more eye gauging in the Final Cut version.

 

Come back here JF...I got something to show you!

 

Ok...so Roy is killing the creators.

 

"Have a better one..." I need that on a shirt.

 

Pretty sure that is what's Tony Cox stripping Deckard's car.  I wonder how many Ewoks were in this movie

 

Another flying blimp movie. The future is full of 'em

 

I want a laughing doll...that just laughs all day...

 

I thought Pris was the love doll...not part of the kick murder squad.

 

I genuinely felt afraid of Daryl Hannah in this movie...the flopping scene was just creepy as creep can be.

 

Replicants can jump through the walls!

 

Little man. That is the second time he has been referred to as the little man.

 

Ouch...breaking some durn fingers.

 

The hunter has become the hunted

 

He has on the war paint.

 

Now he is tapping into his primal rage...he is the wolf....

 

Flys...flys...everywhere. You are in a chicken coup Deckard...and the wolf is coming. That is what Gaff predicted you would be.

 

Roy is shutting down...no problem...a little tetanus will fix that.

 

You better get it up!! Run...

 

Why is Roy doing the counting poem? Six, Seven go to hell or heaven.

 

Roy wants Deckard to fight for his life. To live in fear...to understand what's it like for a Replicant?

 

That's what Roy and Leon both ask him.

 

Why did Roy get naked during the chase?

 

Fans and lights...it's the Noir way.

 

Rutger is so tan here...his white hair makes it even more so. In a world with no sun...he really looks other worldly.

 

The bells are tolling. Must be near the end..

 

....where the hell did you get that dove from Roy?

 

A slave lives in fear...so we are slaves to our creator because we fear death? only getting rid of fear are we no longer slaves? Probably reading too much into that.

 

...like tears in the rain...those moments will be lost...unless you take a photo! We Replicants love photos!

 

Let the dove go.

 

So..the nail was a sign that he was going to become a martyr

 

You've done a man's job sir!

 

Gaff left the Unicorn in the hall! How does he know what Deckard dreams? Is he a mutant. Can he see beyond...is Deckard full of Gaff's memories and Deckard is a Replicant?

 

We have lost our humanity and it has taken the Replicants sacrifice to show us how to have empathy again.