Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (Tom Braider) (2001)

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider is a 2001 adventure and fantasy film[2] adapted from the Tomb Raider video game series. It was directed by Simon West and starred Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft, with Jon Voight, Chris Barrie, Iain Glen, Noah Taylor, and Daniel Craig in supporting roles. It was released in U.S. theaters on June 15, 2001. The film was a commercial success. The film held the title of highest grossing video game to film adaptation worldwide, until on June 16, 2010, the record was taken by Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, which grossed $335 million worldwide as of October 10, 2010 (although it is still #1 with adjustments for inflation). Reviews were largely negative, with critics criticizing the sloppy direction and video-game-esque action-sequences, but praising Jolie’s performance.

Opener: Hello, this is Brian from the prop department. Could you please let Mrs. Jolie know we have completed her prosthetic balls…complete with skroat bag. We made them plenty tough. So she can do as much crotch grabbing as she needs in this movie.  

The illuminati are known for their procrastination. Hence the meeting the day before the big solar alignment dealie. “Mr. Powell. What the status of the project. Oh…you are going to need a few more days on that.”

Twitter:  Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – Two movie quotes sum up this movie for me. First, “My ignorance amuses me” and 2nd “Into the belly of the beast…and out of the demons ass.”


Stuff I Loved:

What makes a good video game movie

What makes a good action star

What makes a good woman action star

Dual Wielding guns

Robot fight

Apparently, Angelina Jolie thinks…being a badass is walking like a dude.

Side boob

15h of may.

Starts out with a Danger room scene. Then turns into Batman mansion. Then right into the illuminati. With Little Boy blue and the council of old white business owners.

1 day…here is my fat finger in case you can’t hear me.

Her dad is HER DAD!

Pluto! That ain’t no planet Lara.

Oh goody. Finally a character building moment. What do they do? Put it in slow motion during a dream and hire the most annoying kid ever.

Do they really stuff old crates with Hay? is that what that is?

You hammer like a freak Laura.

It’s hard to feel anything for Laura when the character plays like some annoying badass that loves to make people feel uncomfortable with her aggressiveness.

Why did you even bring this thing to the old man. You know everything about it.

I wear all black. Surely I must be a bad guy.

“My ignorance amuses me.”

One more up pan and I may puke.

Hmmm…I am amused by your appearance into my home. Time to act arrogant.

“Siren Alarm Music!!” Now I am kicking ass!!

I want to shoot her…I really do…but I can’t see to adjust to shooting at her instead of shooting behind her feet. Oh well. I’m dead.

That UPS driver must have had that package already in his hand when he pulled up. He was out of that truck lickity splity.

45 minutes into Tomb Raider….Finally…maybe some raiding of tombs will take place.

The artifact was split in 2 pieces and taken to the opposite ends of the world…which was thought to be flat at the time. Which makes them in the same Tomb. Which you will apparently never raid. At least not in this movie.

Everyone knows if you want to be comfortable in the jungle while the local natives do all the work…well you need a posh couch with a few pillows on it.

Into the belly of the beast…and out of the demons ass.

Monkey Gollums.

Laura rammed her big phallic symbol into the belly of the monkey.

Maybe if we walk away slowly it won’t kill us with it’s 6 arms.

What the hell? So they all ran outside and hung out at the jungle couch when they saw that 6 armed lady come to life?

We must find the eye!!

The climax is like an episode of WipeOut

Who would betray the Illuminatti!!

Goodbye Mr. Bond

Changing time is real hard to do.

Hechmen 101. When the boss gets stabbed. Take off.

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