Dear Family, just an update on my job search so far. As you know it is difficult to find a job for us Aboriginals in British occupied Australia during the 1800s so you can imagine I had high hopes when I came across Mr. Marston’s newspaper ad for a manservant on his ranch. However, since taking the job, I have had to adjust my expectations to match the reality of manservant.
Anywho, A Yank showed up today to shoot dingoes with his sharp-shooting gun and he has the biggest mustache you have ever seen. You wouldn’t believe this thing! You could hide a couple of Baby Eating Dingoes and a Wallaby up in there….. and if that wasn’t enough facial hair for your Cheeto-Shaped-Grub Acid Trip Nightmares, then the fact that he has 2 more mustaches on his face surely will, one above each eye. It’s enough to make you want to go cliff diving with no water! Oh, that reminds me. How’s the baby? Too soon?
Well I have to go. It is time to serve Mr. Marston and the Yank their dinner. I hope they choke. Mr. Marston beats me and the Yank is giving me eyes that are saying “Before you make love to me. You have to say two words” How about No. There I only needed one.
Ok, Love you, and as always Didgeridoo and Kangaroo Poo.
No animals were harmed in the making of this intro. I mean…why would I even say that! We totally harmed the animals. Randy.
Quigley Down Under (1990) – Before you make love to me. You have to say two words. “You mean Kangaroo Shit?” or Like a Gun Butt to the scroat… I can wait.
- Down Undah
- Newman Music…got to be.
- Putting metal in leather. The Leather and metal show.
- Drag your finger on a map down to Australia!
- Taking the Miss Liberty across the ocean from California
- Fremantle, Western Australia…the wild west of Australia.
- Gun Butt to the testicles! That’ll fix your hurry up.
- from Wyoming
- That is 2 testicles blows in under 5 minutes.
- Look out Roy! She ain’t no Damsel in distress. She is just a Damsel in a Mess.
- Marston sent for you.
- Crazy Cora
- This music brings me joy. There is a lot of it.
- Some beautiful shots.
- The British. My old rival!
- British bring in the cattle thieves and 2 deserters.
- Irish can’t do the job?
- Deep cut British jokes.
- God made Australia last.
- Pthlll…that is alot of dust…
- Took him 3 months on a boat getting there.
- Legendary Sharp. Lever-Action Breach Loader. Usual barrel length’s 30 inches. This one has an extra four. It’s converted to us a special .45-calibre, 110-grain metal cartridge. with a 540-grain-paper-patched bullet. It’s fitted with double set triggers and a vernier sight. It is marked up to 1200 yards. This one shoots a mite further.
- Whitey in a bucket.
- Whitey…keep on riding.
- Dirt blow and a weather vane! Why it’s almost cheatin!
- Everybody is dirty…soooo dirty
- Trespassing. Get shot. Steal the cattle. Get shot. be a woman. Get shot
- A ranch full of lookie-loos
- Hired to shoot dingos
- really hired him to kill the natives.
- nobody knocks me out of my own house.
- “You forgot the gold.”
- Leave some water and you can have the gold or the knife to the belly.
- Don’t flee in a straight line from a sharp shooter. I’m a shart shooter.
- “I wish people would quit hitting me in the head.”
- Sleep during the day. Walk in the night.
- I can’t tell you the number of times I have almost died in the outback, only to be nursed back to health by the local natives. Didgeridoo!
- “You mean Kangaroo Shit?”
- Eat the grubs! Cheetos!
- They they teaching and learning.
- Comanches were just Drunk Indians. But she smothered Roy Jr. Too late.
- “you mean if you practiced a lot. No.”
- Brutal. Pushing people off the cliffs.
- Marston’s Men are everywhere.
- Oh great…the Dingos are going to eat her baby!
- Dingoes love babies….nom nom nom.
- Uh oh…she has a history of hushing babies to death. Better let the Dingo have him.
- Dingoes gotta eat.
- You forgot about the window in the roof! The hole in the rooof
- Oh man…when all else fails…drop some shit on the guys head like home alone.
- Like shooting Quigley’s in a turned upside down boat.
- I give up! Hey Quigley
- Who shot Klaus’ Mom! Those son of britches!
- Everywhere Quigley goes…misery follows.
- Ride with me to the Gap
- He got her the dress!
- She had to give up the baby! But Roy and her and the baby!
- Crazy Crazy Run Quigley.
- 200 Pounds in Gold. Reward. For killing Quigley
- He turned Scottie into a note!
- Nobody sleeps! He is the Quigley in the night.
- I think Tom Selleck is doing his own stunt horse riding.
- This rock is covering me just fine.
- Brophy! Run! Too late. Brophy got wood.
- How many lives does he have in that mustache?
- Marston likes to make a show of things.
- Are you stupid? Don’t give Popeye the spinach…don’t give hulk the gamma…don’t
- Some men are born in the wrong century. I was born on the wrong continent.
- This ain’t Dodge City…and you ain’t Bill Hickock.
- You know he ain’t dead…he gonna shoot you in the back dummy.
- By god. I am going to get naked right here….
- Time to fight the British again?
- That is a bit of a dust up.
- I told my friends what you did. We came as Quigley as we could.
- Aboriginal Jeeves manservant left as Quigley as he came.
- What’s in a name. Roy Cobb or Matthew Quigley
- Before you make love to me. You have to say two words. Matthew Quigley.
Oh hi guy,
This week on Filmsack we are mining the very depths of Canadian Horror Entertainment … (exasperated breath) …. SAH-ree guys. I don’t know if I can do an intro this week. I’ve just been pretty bummed ever since I found out they canceled the Valentine’s Day Dance. I was really looking forward to you guys finally meeting my Canadian girlfriend.
Anywho, said “totally real Canadian girlfriend” left me a heart shaped box of what I can only assume is chocolates and a note that I am now going to read for the first time right here on the show:
“To whom it may concern, (always a good start)
You are invited to a Saturday night at you-know-who’s house where we will be celebrating the holy holiday of the horny… aka Valentines Day.”
“All Filmsack miners are welcome.” (that is miners with an ‘er’…not ‘or’…just to be clear.)
“The party will commence at sun down and will include all the Moosehead you can stomach and all the miners you can kiss.” (once again; that is miners with an ‘er’)
It continues, “We will be playing all of your beloved Canadian party games like Twister…. Pin the Axe in the miner…SAH-Ree the board game, Pranks that End in Death, Uno and everyone’s favorite Canadian game Bobbing for Weiners.” That’s Jokes!
“Looking forward to seeing you there. Yours truly. The one armed man.”
ok, turns out that was not from my actual Canadian Girlfriend… but this guy seems nice. So hey, would anybody like a piece of chocolate from my totally not a human heart in a heart shaped box that I am not going to even look at before offering you some. No? ok. and now for someone who has been to Canada and lived to sing a ballad about it..Randy.
My Bloody Valentine (1981) – Like getting one of them nasty conversation candy hearts but this one says Be Mined and now your dead. That’s Jokes!
- Bloody L.
- Meanwhile, down in the mines
- View askew
- That miner is a lady!
- No way does her hair and makeup stay like that…
- Stop stroking my breathing tube
- Oh no…he hates heart tattoos! Impaling we will go.
- Stop grab-assing you bunch of
- A hot time on Saturday Night!?
- I’ll give her my valentine! Well yeah…I mean it is Valentines…that is what you do.
- ohhh…the town is The Little Town with the big heart…cause of all the red meat.
- These miners are trouble….
- A love triangle!
- “Suck it in and zip it up!”
- First Valentine Dance in 20 years.
- “Hi Guy” – Ketchup head.
- TJ couldn’t make it on the west coast. He is the mayors son.
- Comes from the heart …what does that card say? Poetry.
- Where are they speeding off to after finding the heart?
- Stabbed his birdie finger.
- The Harbinger of Dooooom
- Down at the Union Hall flashback…tradition for over a 100 years.
- 7 Miners…5 below…2 supervisors above…1 man alive…but he was crazy!
- A warning from Harry…never hold the Valentines dance again.
- Sea Shanty…Harriett…Valentine Virgin name Harriet.
- What are you guys doing with a loose heart? Lady in her 30s
- oh…you said Be Mine…I thought you said Be Mined.
- Everybody: A box of candy! Nobody: Heart.
- Madame Mabell is dead!
- A little protein patrol.
- These guys all sound Canadian
- Everybody is a harmonica player.
- Take a look at my Hairy Warden…by court order.
- TJ vs Axle…the
- Cut down to here…slit up to there…I may not get out alive.
- Upside down heart…what does it mean!
- Something smells funny…nope…not my pipe…maybe it’s these hearts.
- Yelling at the screen…it’s right there! the big bloody dryer ya moron!
- Manniger Mines.
- Harry’s Back
- It will happen thrice…that is the worst lyric yet.
- His name is Jesse…
- Technically…it was heart failure.
- Durn Bartender and his meddling and warnings.
- Moosehead Beer
- Damn kids….Bartender…
- The Bartender just couldn’t get enough of his own joke and now he is mined.
- yay!. It’s just chocolates. ahhh…it’s Mabel
- While it would certainly hurt to bob for wieners.
- The favorite Canadian Mining Town game of bobbing for wieners was short lived.
- It’s yours…Keep it clean
- Howard makes me gag!
- Nothing creepy here…just a bunch of clothes on hooks.
- Like a bad game of Marco Polo…John….Sylvia…John…Sylvia…death!
- We work in the mines everyday…lets head down there during the party.
- Hoss…big boy Hoss.
- You know the rule…no women in the mine.
- This is the worst Tunnel of Love ever (ride down to the coalmine)
- Everybody hates Howard the beer snorting bafoon.
- These horny Canadians.
- Hey you guys!
- Cars: It is hard to get traction in this movie.
- Howard says that Harry Morgan is dead. Nobody knows that.
- He really screwed Harriet and Mike.
- Well there goes my Howard theory…like a sack of taters down a mine shaft.
- Axel or TJ Axel or TJ
- A shovel to an pick axe fight.
- How progressive…she ain’t no damsel in distress.
- Axel…why? Well here is a flashback to daddy being killed by Harry. His dad was the supervisor.
- Harry Ward…Gone Away…but he’ll be back.
- Ok…they got their own Ballad.
Ok Mr. Cole I’m going to ask you to relax while I attach these alligator clips to your “face fat” and then we’re just going to shove your “3-times-naked Bruce Willis Ass…ok…Will-Ass….” yep going to show you right into our Woody Woodpecker, cartoon inspired, “time tube.” Woo hoo.
Like a big ole naked wiener…covered in a condom… to insure your travels are safe. What’s that? You say you are good at remembering things…best not to remember this Mr. Cole. But don’t worry, it’s safe….like an MRI machine but it’s not an MRI machine in a basement and all of this is not just in your head in some sort of divergent reality on planet Ogo.
Alright, one more alligator clip. I think this one goes to your right nipple…nope nope… already got one there….this is your classic left nipple alligator clip situation…nom nom nom…and there..ok enough Monkey Business. Alright, hold onto your butts I’m firing up the time tube. Clear!
is he gone? ok, let’s go shopping! Randy, Colonics For Everyone!
Twelve Monkeys (1995) – asking the tough questions. What did you do with you time? Did you waste it on drugs? Women? This movie? Are you also divergent, friend?
- how many monkees?
- “…5 Billion People Will Die From A Deadly Virus in 1997…
…The Survivors Will Abandon The Surface of the Planet…
…Once Again the Animals Will Rule The World…”
- Excerpts from interview with clinically diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, April 12, 1990 – Baltimore County Hospital.
- Break out the accordion.
- Witness, the death of the man…into the eyes of old man Bruce Willis.
- Volunteers come back to the 7th Floor…or they get pardoned.
- Volunteer Duty!
- Let me put on my body condom.
- oh no. Christopher Plummer!
- We need a volunteer to head to the surface….don’t let the suit become compromised or you are not coming back.
- Hissing roach collection…and now there is a bear.
- That bear don’t seem hungry.
- So the end came during Christmas….
- …also collected…spider.
- Doves are good and it sounds like other birds as well. Owls.
- and lions…oh my.
- “We did it” – Red Monkey!
- I could do with 100% less Bruce Will-Ass
- 87645 (astrophysicists)
- 25 to life…you are going to hurt us…are you mister cole.
- Why don’t you sit down in the metal chair that is wired.
- TV Ball…can you see us?
- Yet among the myriad microwaves / the infrared messages / the gigabytes of ones and zeros / we find words, byte-sized now / tinier even than science / lurking in some vague electricity. / But if we but listen / we hear the solitary voice of that poet telling us / Yesterday this day’s madness did prepare / tomorrow’s silent; triumph or despair / Drink, for you know not whence you came, nor why. / Drink, for you know not why you go, nor where.
- Meanwhile, 1990
- See through lady’s raincoats
- He put 2 police officers in the hospital.
- Cole does not like to be asked about his ID. He gets agitated
- He was volunteered because he was a good observer. Got a tough mind.
- Need to go. Drooling.
- He thought it was Oct. It is April. He thought it was 1996. It is 1990. Oops
- South of France? I can’t go to South of France. I just need to make a telephone call.
- More scrubbing…everyone is always scrubbing Bruce Will-Ass
- They are always playing loud TV in the Asylum.
- Jones is doing the turtle…
- 5 thousand dollars….
- Don’t play the games…you are volunteering.
- plague of madness. Can’t let them call. Doctors discretion
- Anti-capitalist Pitt.
- He kept asking for shows that have already played….but the nurse change time.
- L.J. Washington. He doesn’t really come from outer space. Ogo. I am mentality divergent….when I stop going there…I will be well.
- “I don’t really come from outer space.” ….’Oh. L.J. Washington. He doesn’t really come from outer space.’….. “Don’t mock me my friend”
- “It’s a condition of mental divergence.” “I find myself on the planet Ogo.” “Part of an intellectual elite…preparing to subjugate the barbarian hordes on Pluto.” “But even though this is a totally convincing reality for me in every way, nevertheless, Ogo is actually a construct of my psyche.” “I am mentally divergent…in that I am escaping certain unnamed realities…that plague my life here.” “When I stop going there, I will be well. Are you also divergent, friend?”
- A board of intellects. Always a board of 6. With 2 enforcers.
- Dr. Cassandra (complex) Railly (french to mock/jest)
- Reoccurring nightmare of the death of who we assume are his parents when he was a child. His father is shot in an airport.
- oh!! I found a spider! He is my spider now!
- Crazy is Majority Rules.
- Why did he eat the spider?
- I’ve managed to contact certain underlings, evil spirits, secretaries of secretaries, and other assorted minions who will contact my father. And when my father finds out I’m in this kind of place, he’ll have them transfer me to one of those classy joints!
- Colonics For Everyone!
- My father is god. I worship my father. – Jeffery
- Monkey Business (Marx brothers)
- No more monkey business…let’s take it down.
- The real problem is polluting the timeline. We already destroyed everything else.
- haha…The My Pillow Guy wants him to go to the Keys. Foreshadowing of his final demise.
- You are the most bootiful woman I have ever seen….
- It is always a party of 5 against him. Party of 5.
- 4 year she has worked with the others.
- The guy who shot him in the airport is the guy from the asylum.
- Not a prob Bob.
- Haha…alligator clips are one way to make a connection to your face.
- Oculus symbol! Into the tube
- 6 Scientists.
- You failed again…this is not the 3rd quarter of 1996 dummies.
- Chicken little is sane and “Let’s go shopping is crazy.”
- Jose! They sent Jose back as well….More Bruce Will_ass.
- ok…so was there just a short hop into the 1st world war?
- So the scientist have failed a lot sending people back in time.
- Now the radio is telling him to go to the Florida Keys.
- He went underground when he was 8.
- Little 9 year old Ricky Nueman boy cried wolf.
- The time tunnel is a cartoon idea…Woody Woodpecker.
- I love this air. I love this music.
- The Army of the Twelve Monkeys
- She had a chance to run….
- No sir old bob…is he here…is he there…does he exist in time.
- It’s in the tooth…I fooled ’em…I got no teeth!
- He beats him up like a monkey. We all just a bunch of monkeys..
- haha…All I see are dead people! He said the thing!
- Do you recognize Pig Face. Pig Face!! FAA…
- Jeffery Goines is a Judas! You Judas!
- She is a doctor…of the head! not the leg.
- He loves seeing the sun.
- Maybe he is Jeffery Newman.
- They lowered a monkey down the hole. The monkey had a roast beef sandwich.
- You dropped your gun!
- Maybe she is the crazy one
- Goines thinks she knows everything he is going to do
- cracked up whore and crazy dentist
- she left the message
- She doesn’t know the future…but she thinks she does.
- Vertigo is always changing to the viewer.
- …and now he is confusing “The Birds” It was a Hitchcock double feature!
- Well it’s too late now. He released them all!
- She mentioned she had seen him before. Was it in the picture she was researching for her book?
- It is always the same movie. It always happens the same. But each time we see it different?
- Reincarnated. She can still save us all. She can tell him when he is a boy and fix it.
- Jones is my name….she is in insurance. She insures the future always ends.
- This film has a lot of nods to the french
- Numbers, 5 (goodness) number of deaths/amount Jeffery asks for, 6 (incomplete) 6 in the past/6 in the future, 7(complete) floor of the travelers (heaven?), 12(double incomplete!)
- Goines is introduces as just playing around. Games.
Oh hi Mom,
Sorry I haven’t called sooner. I have been very busy on the roads of America following the exploits of the Filmsack Podcasting Crew for an article I am writing for the cover of The Rolling Stone. Just kidding mom. Nobody reads magazines anymore. It’s a think piece for Buzzfeed….. No I’m not too old to write for Buzzfeed! What? I’m how old? What the hell mom? I was held back for 10 years in the 7th grade! Yeah, I guess that explains all the body hair I had as a 12 year old. uncomfortable shower scene!
Anywho, I met a girl…Are we dating? No, she likes Randy. Yeah the creep with the facial hair. Does he know I’m talking about him? Well I’m looking right at him…yeah, he’s taking notes with his eyes. No, It’s ok mom. I un-grounded the mic on his headset. He’s about to get a real shock.
Alright mom. I’m a golden god…..and you can tell Buzzfeed…my last words…were…I’m on drugs. Oh…Don’t do those. Oh ok…
Randy… don’t do drugs.
Almost Famous (2000) – Like Vinyl…it will blow your mind..oh…don’t forget to light a candle… it will blow your mind…oh…and don’t do drugs…it will blow your mind.
- Am I famous yet?
- Time to write the credits.
- A drawer full of old concert merchandise and tickets. Groupee? The Plaza!
- Christmas Movie!
- Circa…old time ago..
- Santa in a speedo.
- Adicas Finch…Take your kid to see To Kill A Mocking Bird.
- More Zoe
- You have been kissing…I can tell.
- Simon and Garfunkel…on the pot
- Mom! First, it was butter. Then it was sugar and white flour… bacon, eggs, bologna, rock ‘n’ roll, motorcycles—then it was celebrating Christmas on a day in September when you knew it wouldn’t be commercialized. What else are you going to ban?
- Mom is a college professor.
- Feck you…this is a house of lies!
- Vinyl…it will blow your mind…oh..forgot to light the candle.
- Meanwhile, 1973…
- Iggy Pop…Amen!!
- Everybody wants this kid to be a lawyer.
- 1000 words on Black Sabbath for $35 bucks.
- Use the family whistle…Don’t take drugs…yes mother.
- Groupies..we are not groupies…we are band aids.
- Hey the enemy.
- Stop writing notes and watch. I’ll show you how to live. Penny Lane
- Tell her like last summer…no…not like last summer…It ain’t California without you.
- You know about the Riot House right.
- Have you seen the Bridge? Mr. Plant signed my shirt.
- Act One: in which she pretends she doesn’t care about him.
- Act Two: in which he pretends he doesn’t care about her, but goes right for her.
- Act Three: in which it all plays out the way she planned it. She’ll eat him alive.
- Put on my telephone man voice.
- 3 thousand words $700 dollars…alright a grand.
- Detroit Sucks Shirt.
- Don’t let them rewrite you.
- “Don’t take drugs!”
- Come by later. I’m in too truthful of a mood.
- Is this Mary Ann with the Pot?
- “Just make us look cool….” I will quote you warmly and accurately.
- haha! Can we skip the vibe…
- T-shirt …Dick is the manager.
- Russel hanging out with real Topeka People. Come on man…to our Topeka party.
- Want to see me feed a rat to my snake….yes!!!
- Now I get to be the mom.
- I am a golden god…..and you can tell Rolling Stone Magazine…my last words…were…I’m on drugs.
- Last words. I dig music. meh. I’m on drugs…cheer!
- “Look at him…he’s taking notes with his eyes….”
- “I have to go home….” … “You are home”
- Rockstars have kidnapped my son.
- Falling in love with Penny Lane.
- I have never written anything longer than a Filmsack Intro in my entire life.
- I have a particular set of skills. They are all mom skills.
- Why don’t you get on my back for a piggyback ride.
- Your mom kind of freaked me out.
- Like grabbing an un-grounded mic on tour.
- I think you know Reddog.
- Did they just gamble away the girls.
- You are too sweet for Rock & Roll.
- 50 bucks and a case of beer to Humble Pie.
- What kind of beer?
- Long looks.
- Winter Rugburn
- A Mojo…Wire…18 minutes a page.
- See my smiling face on the cover of the Rolling Stone
- “Yeah…she’s with me.” – Chorus
- Painful to watch…looks that tell.
- All she left were her Quaalude. All my friends
- While my friends graduate I am taking care of Penny Lane in a hotel room.
- “Why doesn’t he love me?”
- Class of 1973.
- Penny wake up!
- Boldy go where many men have gone before.
- oh man…do not pump my stomach!
- haha…sexy stomach pumping.
- Lady Goodman is Penny Lane’s real name.
- What have I done!? Too late! I’m on this plane Penny Lane.
- Jimmy Fallon hit a guy in Deerborne.
- The manager has been taking money.
- I slept with Marma Dick.
- Coming out as fay always fixes the plane
- Write what you want.
- We are uncool. I’m always home. I’m uncool.
- I’m in a room full of people. I’m alone.
- Let’s say all the things we never said.
- haha..Penny Lane fucked Russel over.
- What do you love about Podcasting…Everything.