INTROOh hi, Look, I'm just going to vamp out loud for a minute...vamp out loud...vamp'ing... alright, let's see If I can understand this film..warning. I'm gonna use some air quotes. "Eternal Vampire Teen;" LeStat is awakened from his "Sad Nap" when the suburban kids next door start a nu-metal band to piss off their parents. LeStat "tries out" for the band and lands "lead vocals." Ow. Finger cramps. LeStat finds some success as a rocker and "Taylor Swifts" (ow) his Vampire Family. (Now that's a shaming!) Meanwhile, "Grown ass" teenager, Jesse rebels against her strict orthodox parents by pursuing Bad Boy LeStat after she reads LeStat's personal diary outlining his failures in love including a cringe worthy moment with his Egyptian Grandma and his subsequent loneliness. Jesse is all like... "I'm lonely too! You get me LeStat! Let's run away together and live happily ever after!" At this point I took my own "Sad Nap" and when I woke up Great Great Grandma Vampire was turning to dust which is what happens when you sleep with your Grandkids. So I thought the movie was over...but apparently, LeStat still had to confront his girlfriend's father figure to confess he gave Jesse VD. "Vampire Disease." But even that wasn't the end because Lestat still wanted to make up for his misdeeds by delivering Jesse's dad a Vampire "Life Partner"... who David had apparently been stalking through "Instagram" like painting which weren't even a thing in 2002 so this whole theory is kind of falling apart at this point. Randy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_bIQzFH8II (more…)
INTROOh hi, First Name Speed...Last Name Racer. ...and now it's time for "What you talkin' about Theme Song?" Where I will do my best to present talking points and avoid singing along the way.
Here he comes, Here comes Speed Racer.Hey, thanks for the heads up song writer. That's not ominous at all.
He's a demon on wheels, He's a demon and he's gonna be chasin' after someone.Let's break that down. A "Demon on wheels;" Well, that is a thing we say about people who are driven. However, the second mention of demon is not qualified with any sort of type. Which leads me to believe that this song is implying that Speed Racer is an actual demon. Well that changes things. Oh what did you do Papa Racer!?
He's gainin' on you so you better look alive.Holy crap. The "chasin' someone" is now no longer in question. It's "you" who the demon racer is chasing! Oh man! Also, there are rumors circulating that Speed Racer lures little kids and monkey's with Candy into the trunk of his car! You nothing but evil Speed Racer!
He's busy revvin' up a powerful Mach 5. And when the odds are against him And there's dangerous work to do You bet your life Speed Racer, Will see it through.A Life wager! Nope! Nuh uh! Nope!
Go Speed Racer! Go Speed Racer! Go Speed Racer, Go!Straight back to hell ya doe eye'd demon! Randy, what movie did you watch? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdLTl14He4o (more…)
INTROOh hi, Man, all the ladies in this week's filmsack movie are "smoking!" am i right? High five guys! Seriously though, why are all the ladies in this movie smoking tobacco products? I have concerns. Oh....and Amanda Peet...more like Amanda's Teets! Yeah, Ibbott knows what I'm talking about. You paused that so many times that even Blockbuster couldn't rewind it. Up top brother! What...c'mon! Don't leave me hanging! Well, can I at least get a shout out to inappropriate mentor/student relations? Bruce Willis...40s hooks up with Amanda Peet in her 20s using his influence as a hitman hero. Wow, That whole story line just touched me....inappropriately...and deserves to go to jail. Overall, I give this movie two teets up. My eyes are up here Randy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nNXq0ygF4Q (more…)
INTROOh hi, YeeeHaw and all that stuff y'all...and now it is time for some Theme Song Fact Checking, I'll try to read these lines with my fact checking voice...but I may break into song...no promises. Alright, here we go.... "Just the good ol' boys..." Unproven....what we DO HAVE IS: a "Smartass" and a "Jackass" in an orange Dodge Charger Next "Never meanin' no harm..." Hmmm...Let's see...more attempted cop killings than an Ice-T ditty. However, since you qualified it with a "never meanin..." I guess it's NOT technically NOT true. sooo... Next! "Beats all you never saw..." What?! No..What?! NEXT "Been in trouble with the law..." True "Since the day they was born..." I got to tell you, this whole story seems improbable...I don't think we need to inspect the 2nd verse.. NEXT Hey, Somebody get me the lyrics to the A-Team...I got some work to do. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukVrpMnQQw4 (more…)